You've Got to Be Kidding?

In a recent fiery sermon, Global Vision Bible Church Pastor Greg Locke warned viewers and parishioners that there are secret, child sex trafficking tunnels underneath the White House, which are full of young children - some living, and some dead.   Pastor Locke then claimed that “Joe Biden is a sex trafficking, demon-possessed mongrel, who's no better than the Pope, Oprah Winfrey, or Tom Hanks,” adding that God will also “expose Kamala Harris for the Jezebel demon she is - when he finally brings this whole house down.” Gee whiz, so Joe Biden’s only been in office less than 6 months, and he’s already built a massive underground network of child sex trafficking tunnels under the White House?  Wow, that was indeed some really fast work.  Say what you want about all this, but you have to admit those Democrats really know how to get those infrastructure projects built fast. Anyway, is it just me, or do an inordinate amount of these Trump-loving televangelist’s paranoid fant...

Televangelist Jim Bakker appears to be back to his old, familiar hustle again, this time asking followers to “save his PTL Ministry from the grip of the devil,” by purchasing an “Official PTL Blanket and Mug Combo” - all for the low, low price, of just $500.   Bakker assured viewers that with this simple purchase, “we will be able to beat the devil back into Hell, where he belongs.” Wow, and what a bargain that is!  I mean, it isn’t everyday that for only $500, you can demonstrate to everyone that you’re actually dumb enough to fall for any scam some shyster tries to pull on you.  And, as one might expect, shipping and handling are not included.  Gee, wonder if you can purchase an extended warranty with that?  Now, the irony is, these blankets and mugs are probably infinitely more edible than all those buckets of survivalist “food” he’s been selling for the upcoming “apocalypse” for the past few years. And, while we’re on the subject, let’s not forget the po...

Creationist Pastor Claims Evolution is Racist Because African-Americans Still Exist:   Controversial Christian creationist Pastor Matt Powell, insisted in a recent video that evolution is not only a lie, but also a “racist religion,” because it “promotes survival of the fittest.”   Powell claims that evolution says “we evolved from African-Americans,” and then wonders how can that be, when there are “other Americans” and how can we still have “African Americans” if “we” evolved from them?   Well, these are all excellent questions, assuming you’re suffering from a very severe head injury.  Now, first of all, its important to point out that no anthropologist has ever said that “we” evolved from “African-Americans.”  I hate to break it to Pastor Powell and his flock, but a simple Google search ought to quickly inform them that actually - “America” and “African-Americans” weren’t even really a “thing” several million years ago.  And, while evolution is an o...

Pastor Cries And Begs God To Make Trump President Again:   During a livestream broadcast earlier this week, Trump-loving televangelist Pastor Robert Henderson, who earlier this year had claimed his prayers had caused the death of Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg - this time cried and begged God that he was “petitioning the courts of heaven” to overturn the 2020 election, so that Donald Trump “shall be reseated as President of the United States of America.” So, Pastor Henderson’s been claiming his prayers were responsible for Justice Ginsburg’s death?  Well then, Pastor Henderson - you’re under arrest, for the murder of Ruth Bader Ginsburg.  You have the right to remain silent - but of course, as we all know, there’s a fat chance that’ll ever happen. And now, to top things off, you’ve been petitioning God to overturn the entire 2020 US election results?  Now, I’m certainly no lawyer or legal scholar, but isn’t that called soliciting a non-citizen to interf...

Michigan Pastor Tells Parishioners to Deliberately Get Covid-19:  Michigan pastor Bart Spencer of the Lighthouse Baptist Church, is facing a major backlash following a sermon he recently gave, in which he told his congregation to deliberately contract COVID-19 to “get it over with.”  He then added that "Some of you may die, but that's a risk I'm willing to take." Oh yeah, right!  In fact, this reminds me of the time when Jesus saw the leper lying helplessly by the side of the road and, instead of healing him - told everyone in the crowd that they should try and get leprosy also - just to “get it over with.”   You know, it’s kind of funny too because - I always assumed that Christians were supposed to help those in need, not kill them.  But - like it or not, it’s apparently all right there in the Bible.  No, not the King James version, but the “Trump Bible.”   And, if you act quickly, you can pick up a special edition of the new “Trump Bible,” which ...

Pastor Wiles Warns Florida Liberals We’re Coming After You:   In a recent telecast to his many followers, Florida anti-Semite Pastor Rick Wiles, who had recently blamed Michigan Gov. Gretchen Whitmer for making right-wing militias want to kidnap and murder both her and her family, is now warning those whom he refers to as “liberals invading Florida” to “pack your bags and get out - because we’re coming for you.” Now, at first, I was wondering - why in the hell would anyone ever want to invade Florida?  Then, it occurred to me - folks who desperately wanna get the hell out of Alabama - that’s who!  I assume anyone who still has any gray matter or even most of their front teeth, would certainly wanna flee Alabama - even if that does mean Florida.   Anyway, all kidding aside - if Pastor Wiles really wants to know who’s invading Florida, perhaps he’d do better to ask all the pythons, the feral hogs, the iguanas, the cane toads, and African the giant land snails “wha...

Televangelist Claims Sex with Cows Will Be Legal If Biden Wins:   Televangelist Frank Amedia, is warning followers that they’d better vote for Donald Trump and the Republicans in the upcoming election, or Joe Biden’s liberal agenda will take hold and the next thing you know, everyone will be having “perverse sex with cows. Now, some of you may laugh, but I get his point.  As a bona fide “ Donald Trump Christian ,” Pastor Amedia feels we need to take the country back to its moral foundations.  You know, back to the days when we had respect for the i nstitution of marriage, and men only cheated on their wives - not on their livestock!   Come to think of it, guess that pretty much explains why conservatives are always advocating for “herd immunity.”  I mean, let us not forget that Mary had a little lamb.  The last thing Mary needs now, is for some liberal like Joe Biden to steer her toward other barnyard animals. Now, what I don’t get is, why evangelical...

Televangelist Claims Veggie Burgers are a Satanic Plot to Alter Our DNA: Christian televangelist Rick Wiles is warning his audience that the popularity of plant-based alternatives to meat and dairy products are part of a satanic plot to alter human DNA and create a race of soulless creatures, who will no longer be willing or able to accept Jesus Christ as their personal savior. Wow, and who knew?  Now, while I’m sure some of you are laughing, Pastor Wiles does bring up a valid point.  I mean, when’s the last time you’ve seen someone accepting Jesus Christ as their personal savior - while they were busy gobbling down a veggie burger? Now, some may ask, if Lucifer is nefariously altering the DNA of unsuspecting diners eating veggie burgers - then why doesn’t God just issue some sort of a “software update,” which would repair the poor schmuck’s DNA?  After all, wasn’t God the one who designed these folks in the first place?   Perhaps, but if I’m understanding Past...