You've Got to Be Kidding?

North Korea Executed Four Officials After Failed US Summit:   A new report is claiming that North Korean leader Kim Jong-un ordered the execution by firing squad of four foreign ministry officials after the failure of his Hanoi summit with Donald Trump.   Good grief, when they fire someone in North Korea, they don’t kid around - do they?  Obviously, the phrase “taking an early retirement” has quite a different connotation in North Korea than it does here.  Sounds like North Korea’s developed a very unique take on the old “draining the swamp” idea.  Now, I’m no foreign policy expert, but it just occurred to me that if we could only hold enough failed summits with these guys, North Korea won’t even have enough people left to be a threat anymore.  Not to mention, Trump could make a little extra cash writing a followup to his  signature book - calling it “The Art of the No Deal.” Anyway, on a positive note, these executions have just created ...

Trump Arrives in Vietnam for Meeting With N. Korea:   Hopes for peace are running high as US President Donald J Trump is conducting his second summit with North Korean leader Kim Jong-un in Vietnam.  Now, while I have no idea whether or not this summit will bring lasting peace between the two nations, I do know one thing - old bone spurs is now gonna be claiming to be a Vietnam vet. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com    Dutch Seize 90K Bottles of Russian Vodka Intended for Kim Jong-un:  The Dutch port of Rotterdam has seized 90,000 bottles of Russian vodka believed destined for North Korean leader Kim Jong-un and his top generals.  Wow, 90 thousand bottles of Russian vodka?  Sounds like the Dutch are trying to send a message to Kim about the importance of drinking responsibly. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Models Are Eating Cotton Balls to Stay Thin:  Eddie Murphy's model daughter Bria, has revealed to the media that...

Judge Allows Suit Against Trump and His Personal Charity to Proceed:   A New York state judge has denied a request by attorneys for President Donald Trump to throw out a lawsuit alleging that Trump and his family violated charity laws and that the Donald J. Trump Foundation functioned as little more than a checkbook to serve Mr. Trump’s business and political interests. Of course, it’s really no big surprise that Trump and his lawyers would want to try and do everything possible to prevent “shedding any light” on his endless financial shenanigans - because like any good cockroach, he runs and hides just as soon as someone turns the light on.  Put another way - if Kim Jong un is “Rocket Man,” then Donald J. Trump is “Racket Man.” I mean, only someone like Donald Trump would have the chutzpah to create a non-charitable charity - which is essentially his personal, tax-free slush fund.  Why it even appears that it’s been years since Trump has personally contribut...

President Trump Says He and Kim Jong-Un Fell in Love:   President Donald Trump told a rally of his followers in Wheeling, West Virginia that he and North Korean leader Kim Jong-un “fell in love” over the course of their on-again off-again detente, adding that Kim wrote him the most “beautiful letters.”   Ahhh, now ain’t dictator love sweet?  Gee, wonder if it was love at first sight - first sight of those sexy ICBM’s.  Why Mr Trump, what big missile silos you have!  Of course, Kim is 27 and Donald is 72 - and that could cause a conflict - not to mention the hard feelings once Comrade Putin discovers he’s been dumped for a younger dictator.   My question is, could this mean we can expect to see the Rainbow Flag proudly flying over the oval office in the near future?  I’m not too sure Mr Trump’s alt-right minions of homophobic followers will be all too happy about that.  Anyway, this whole love affair is kind of like an all dictato...

Ivanka Trump Closes Down Her Fashion Line:   First daughter Ivanka Trump announced she will be closing down her fashion line to focus solely on advising in her father’s White House.  I have a great idea - perhaps Ivanka could now focus her “fashion designer skills” on making fashionable prison garb for herself, her family and the rest of the White House staff. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Giuliani Calls Michael Cohen a Scumbag and Traitor on CNN:  During a 32-minute rambling, incoherent interview on CNN, Trump lawyer Rudy Giuliani called Michael Cohen a traitor and “scumbag” and claimed (without any evidence) that Cohen had doctored the tapes he turned over to special counsel Robert Mueller.  Giuliani reminds me of a guy who has taken to hiding his own Easter eggs - and yet he still can’t manage to find any of them!  Trump and Giuliani are like a comedy team - without a straight man.  How quickly he’s gone from being “America’s mayor” to ...

Deadly New Venomous Snake Discovered in Australia:   In a chance discovery, a team of biologists were returning from a sea snake research mission in Queensland, Australia when they discovered a deadly new venomous species of snake.  Gee, I’m blown away!  I mean, what are the odds of finding some sort of deadly serpent in a place like Australia?  Ironically, President Trump has already heaping praise on the snake and is reportedly trying to organize a summit between the snake, Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong-un and himself.  http://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com  Hunter-Gathers Were Baking 4,000 Years Before Birth of Farming:   After digging up pieces from the world’s oldest loaf of bread, Archaeologists claim they now have evidence that hunter-gatherers were baking bread thousands of years before the birth of farming.  Yea, but you can just bet there is gonna be someone in the group complaining about the bread because they’re gluten-free. ...

Trump and Kim Sign Statement Promising Korean Denuclearization:  A triumphant Donald Trump flew back to the US with what he called a “very, very comprehensive” agreement with North Korea, a statement which left analysts a little baffled given that the signed document contained almost no details beyond a stated pledge to “denuclearize” the Korean Peninsula. Gee wiz, you mean Trump just signed a comprehensive agreement that basically doesn’t say anything?  How quaint!  That said - and in his defense, Trump’s definition of a “comprehensive document” is something that is longer than two paragraphs and has lots of glossy, full-color photographs to look at.   Some critics even had the nerve to criticize the President for failing to address human rights abuses in North Korea.  I think that’s rather unfair when you consider the Trump administration has been very busy lately here in the US - separating children from their immigrant parents before finally the...

Trump Withdraws From G-7 Communique Over Trudeau Statements:   In response to Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau's comment following the summit that Canada "would not be pushed around,” President Trump tweeted that he has instructed U. S. representatives to not endorse the joint communique issued by the G-7 leaders. So if I’m understanding all this correctly, in Trump’s America - Russia, North Korea and Duterte are our friends and Canada, Western Europe and Mexico are our enemies?  Of course, Trump will still need to reassure his loyal followers that his insane trade policies won't increase the cost of making meth. Well, it’s beginning to sound like we as a nation are at the point where we really only have one clear choice - and that is nuke the hell out of the Ontario portion of Niagara Falls.  I mean, come on - the way thing’s are headed, the future Trump Presidential Library could easily be able to serve double-duty as a "fun house” in the off seaso...

US May Have to Pay for Kim Jong-un’s Luxury Suit in Singapore:  The Trump Administration is reportedly struggling to find a way to pay for the $6000-a-night luxury presidential suite Kim Jong-un is demanding during his stay in Singapore, but apparently cannot afford to pay for.  I went online and found a nice youth hostel that’s reasonably priced.  Kim might wanna give that a shot.  Otherwise, maybe Groupon’s running a special dictator discount. http://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com  New iPhone Software Has Features to Stop People Using Phone Too Much:   After having been criticized by various groups including stockholders for making its phones too addictive, new iPhone software is expected to include new features to stop people using their phone too much.  Hell, there’s a simple solution to that problem, just make a really crappy phone. http://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com New Study Finds Coffee Prevents Dementia:  According to s...

CIA Director Mike Pompeo Met Secretly With Kim Jong-un:  The Washington Post is re[porting that CIA Director Mike Pompeo secretly met with North Korean leader Kim Jong-un over the Easter weekend.  Now about the only question that remains to be answered is - can they convince Kim to agree to offer Trump asylum after the Mueller investigation closes in? http://www.johnnyrobish.com Starbucks to Close All Stores in May for Racial Bias Training:   Starbucks announced it will close all 8,000 of its US stores for the afternoon of May 29th, while it conducts what it called “racial bias training” in light of the recent arrest of two black men who were waiting in one the coffee giant’s Philadelphia locations.  Hell, Starbucks employees don’t need no stinking training.  They appear to be pretty damn good at racial bias already. http://www.johnnyrobish.com   Scientists Say Meteorite Filled with Diamonds are From Lost Planet:  Scient...

North Korea's Kim Jong Un Meets With Chinese President Xi:   During his meeting with Chinese President Xi Jinping, North Korea’s leader Kim Jong Un pledged his commitment to denuclearization and to meet U.S. officials, and China promised to uphold friendship with its isolated neighbor.  Wow, sounds like Kim got called to the principal’s office.  Either that, or he just got the munchies and thought he’d head up there for some take-out.  And while he’s in the neighborhood, perhaps President Xi could hook Kim up with a decent barber. http://www.johnnyrobish.com Cases of Irritable Bowel Syndrome Increasing in US:   A recent study found that irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) now affects between 25 and 45 million people in the United States, with 2 out of 3 IBS sufferers being female.  What’s so surprising about that?  I mean, what bowel wouldn’t become irritated after all the crap they have to deal with on a daily basis? http://www.johnnyr...

Trump Agrees To Meet North Korean Leader Kim Jong-un:   In a rather surprising move, President Donald Trump has agreed in principle to meet directly with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un, in what could be the biggest breakthrough in the tense nuclear saber-rattling that’s been going on since the President took office in January 2017. Now let’s see, we’ll have two big fat, narcissistic psychopaths with bad haircuts locked-up in the same room?  Pardon my skepticism, but I don’t see how this could end well for anybody.  My guess is, Trump just agreed to this meeting so he can compare nuclear button sizes.  Meanwhile, North Korea agreed because Donald Trump is about the only person on Earth who could actually make someone like Kim Jong Un look good. Of course, Trump supporters are quick to define this meeting as yet another great accomplishment of their dear leader - and to some degree, I agree with them.  I mean, under President Trump - we’ve had the b...