You've Got to Be Kidding?

President Trump Says He and Kim Jong-Un Fell in Love:   President Donald Trump told a rally of his followers in Wheeling, West Virginia that he and North Korean leader Kim Jong-un “fell in love” over the course of their on-again off-again detente, adding that Kim wrote him the most “beautiful letters.”   Ahhh, now ain’t dictator love sweet?  Gee, wonder if it was love at first sight - first sight of those sexy ICBM’s.  Why Mr Trump, what big missile silos you have!  Of course, Kim is 27 and Donald is 72 - and that could cause a conflict - not to mention the hard feelings once Comrade Putin discovers he’s been dumped for a younger dictator.   My question is, could this mean we can expect to see the Rainbow Flag proudly flying over the oval office in the near future?  I’m not too sure Mr Trump’s alt-right minions of homophobic followers will be all too happy about that.  Anyway, this whole love affair is kind of like an all dictator interpretation of the timeless classic “Ro

Trump Tells Fake History of Democratic Party at Wheeling Rally:  Fact checkers are once again shaking their heads in disbelief after President Trump delivered a really bizarre, totally fake history of the Democratic Party’s name to a group of followers at a Saturday night rally in Wheeling, West Virginia. Now you can say what you want about these Trump rallies, but there’s something quite special about the awesome power of stupid people gathered together in extremely large groups.  Of course, after listening to this speech, if one weren’t properly trained - they might leave the rally with the impression that we actually have a right-wing internet troll sitting the White House - instead of someone looking out for the interests of everyone living in our country.   And while some are even going so far as to claim the President’s mental faculties appear to be deteriorating, others point out that he’s always been lazy and stupid.  On the other hand, quite a few medical professi

Eerie Skull-Shaped Asteroid to Zoom Past Earth after Halloween:   The internet is going bonkers after NASA announced that a ghoulish-looking asteroid, which resembles a human skull, is scheduled to fly past Earth - right after Halloween. I’ll tell you what, I don’t wanna get into a  dispute  with NASA, but if you ask me - that looks a helluva lot more like a picture of my Uncle Harry than some damned asteroid.  You see, for those of you who may not know, in outer space there’s no sound - so no one will ever hear that you’ve used photoshop to doctor a picture. Anyway, no matter what this is, I’m not worried - not even one little bit.  Not since President Trump announced the formation of the Space Force !  All I know is, if I ever get to fulfill my dreams of becoming a supervillain, this my friends - is where I plan to build my secret headquarters.  Go ahead, just try and stop me - hahahaha! https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Kavanaugh Hearing Making Some Take Defensive Measures:   In light of the recent testimony in the Kavanaugh hearings, I thought it might be prudent to make a preemptive strike and post a picture of me along with a reputable female who has agreed to vouch for the uncommonly high moral standards I maintained while in high school back in Canton, Ohio. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com  Study Claims Vegan Diet Best Way to Save Planet:  According to a major new study, adopting a vegan diet (a diet free from animal products such as meat, eggs and all dairy products) is the best way to protect the planet.  Of course, the down side is that if aliens ever visit our planet and ask us if we “got milk?” - we’d have to tell them “no, but we’d be more than happy to offer you a glass of unsweetened, almond milk at just 30 calories per cup.”  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Marijuana Use Stable While Support For Legalization Grows:  Support for legalizing marijuana for rec

Trump Urged Spain to Build Wall Across the Sahara Desert:   Spain’s foreign minister revealed that US President Donald Trump suggested the Spanish government tackle the Mediterranean migration crisis by emulating one of his most famous proclamations of building a wall - suggesting that Spain build a wall across the Sahara desert. Gee, I must have missed that memo.  When the hell did the Sahara Desert get moved to Spain?  Wonder if he realizes there’s this great big body of water they call the Mediterranean Sea sitting between Europe and North Africa?  Of course, in all fairness, I’m sure he just assumes Spain is a suburb of Mexico.  I mean, if he can’t even read words, how’s he supposed to read a map?   But come on - a fence stretching all the way across the Sahara desert would need to be nearly 3000 miles long.  Good grief, a structure that big could easily be seen by the dedicated cadre of our Space Force serving way up there in outer space. But what I find intere

Dunkin’ Drops Donuts From its Name:   Restaurant chain Dunkin’ Donuts announced it’s dropping the word “Donuts” from its name and renaming itself simply “Dunkin’,” which will align itself with the company’s emphasis on coffee and other beverages.  In related news, Starbucks announced they will be dropping the “Star” part of their name and simply calling themselves “Bucks,” which will align itself with the company’s emphasis on charging a small fortune for insanely overrated coffee. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Scientists Studying Urban Coyotes Say They are Monogamous:  Scientists at Ohio State University who study coyotes living in an urban environment claim that they are completely monogamous and that couples pair-off for life.  Wow, imagine that?  I had no idea that scientists at Ohio State were monogamous. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com      NASA Warns Human Activity Causing Earth to Wobble:  New research by NASA found Earth’s wobble or polar mot

Amazon Announces New Alexa-Controlled Microwave Oven:  Amazon has officially gotten into the kitchen appliance market with its new $59.99 Alexa-controlled microwave oven.  Analysts say its the perfect item those who feel that having to push three or four buttons to cook a meal is just way too much work.  Unfortunately, it appears folks will still have to get their butts up off the couch and physically put the food into the microwave if they want it cooked.  Now I ask you, where is the justice in that? https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Bill Cosby Attorneys Argue He’s Legally Blind:  In court during his sentencing hearing, Bill Cosby’s attorneys argued that he should receive the lightest possible sentence because he’s legally blind.  OK, he may be legally blind, but you know what - I still wouldn’t advise going on a blind date with him. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com First Photos From the Surface of an Asteroid Released:   Following the successful deploy

Hurricane Florence Leaves Thousands of Dead Fish on I-40:   Authorities report that the massive flooding caused by Hurricane Florence has resulted in thousands of dead fish washing up onto Interstate 40, leaving behind a horrible stench when the flood waters finally receded.   In response, Fox News say it is investigating whether some of those fish may have swum up from Mexican waters and were in the area illegally.  In addition, President Trump says he has people looking into the possibility that Hillary or Barack Obama may have been sending dead fish down to the area as bogus email attachments.   Personally, I don’t know about any of that, but one thing I do know is - if Scott Pruitt were still running the EPA, all those damn fish would have been dead by now from industrial pollution and this horrible stench North Carolina is facing would never have occurred. That said, health insurers have issued a statement claiming all the fish that died had pre-existing conditions -

Scientists Identify Earth's Oldest Known Animal Fossils:   Scientists have used fat molecules to solve a longstanding mystery and identify an ancient creature who lived 558 million years ago called Dickinsonia, thought to be the first complex “multi-cellular” organisms on Earth.  Gee, multi-cellular organisms?  I had no idea they even had cell phones back then, let alone organisms that could afford more than one phone.  I can’t even imagine what their calling plan would look like.  Knowing how they lived back then, I’ll bet they were constantly saddled with roaming charges. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com       Six Siblings of a Republican Congressman Endorse His Opponent :  Citing the congressman’s increasingly extremist views on immigration, health care, birther conspiracy theories and white supremacy - six brothers and sisters of Arizona Republican congressman Paul Gosar are appearing in ads, pleading with Arizona citizens to consider voting for his Democratic op

Pulp Free Orange Juice Issues:  Bought a carton of orange juice that claimed the juice was "pulp free." When I poured the juice into a glass, pulp came out just as always. I'm thinking what the hell is this, pulp fiction? https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Study Finds Cats Are Sleepiest Mammals:  New research shows that cats are the sleepiest mammals spending up to 16 hours a day sleeping, which means that a 7-year-old cat has really only been awake for 2 years.  No kidding!  My cat happens to be a charter member of the National Association of Pussycats - also known as “NAP.” https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Insomnia Linked With Early Death In Men:   Researchers are finding that older men who have insomnia symptoms -- such as problems falling asleep or staying asleep -- have an increased risk of dying from heart-related issues over a six-year period.  That said, researchers insist that even with the increased risk of death, its nothing to lose

Outbreak Linked to Contact with Puppies:  The US Centers for Disease Control has linked puppies to a nationwide, drug-resistant, stomach bug outbreak.  Now come on!  I can live with having to refrain from drugs, alcohol, tobacco, fatty foods and even coffee, but my friends, when they start warning us about the dangers of puppies - I don’t wanna live in that world!  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Removing Faulty Brain Cells Staves Off Dementia in Mice:   A groundbreaking study has revealed that purging “zombie cells” from the brain could stave off the effects of dementia and cognitive decline in mice - but so far it doesn’t seem work in humans.  Well, if they can’t get it to work on humans, perhaps they could first try it out on politicians or people who work for the DMV? https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Brawl Breaks Out at Ohio Kindergarten Graduation:  Police arrested eight people after a brawl broke out at an Ohio kindergarten graduation ceremony, with brawle

Police Arrest Man for Groping Fast-Food Worker:  Police in central Pennsylvania say they found a suspected groper of a fast-food worker by following a trail of the curly fries he left behind.  When confronted by police, the man claimed he was just only trying to get a good feel for the service there. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Scientists Attempt Picture of Black Hole:  Scientists at a University of Arizona are working on plans to snap a first-ever picture of the black hole at the center of our Milky Way galaxy.  And as a cost saver, given that they’re photographing a “black hole” - I guess there’s no point wasting extra money on color film. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com New Study Confirms Aging Shrinks Us:  New research is confirming the assumption that most people shrink as they get older, with men getting about an inch shorter and women getting about two inches shorter between the ages of 30 to 70.  Sadly, for many guys - height doesn’t appear t

Pimples Are Now In and Becoming the Latest Craze:  Celebrities and bloggers are going bare-faced on social media as more of the trendy folks are joining the acne positivity movement and Teen Vogue has even launched the inaugural Acne awards.  Its about time!  I knew all this acne stuff would eventually come to a head.  If someone doesn’t like your pimples, just put the squeeze on them!  But whatever you do, don’t let them get under your skin!  Now, if we can somehow just get a toenail fungus positivity movement going - I believe we’ll pretty much have it all covered. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Genetic Skin Graft Helps Mice Kick Cocaine Habit:   A new treatment using CRISPR and a genetically engineered skin graft, is helping reduce cocaine cravings in mice, giving researchers hope we are on the verge of finding a cure for addiction.  While there’s no question we need to treat cocaine addiction in mice - no one wants to see mice ruin their lives, but how a little res

Elon Musk and SpaceX Reveal First Private Moon Tourist:   SpaceX has just announced that Japanese billionaire Yusaku Maezawa will be the world’s first private passenger to fly around the Moon, paying an estimated $35 million to travel aboard a BFR launch vehicle in 2023 - which SpaceX feels will mark an important step toward enabling access for “everyday people” who dream of traveling into space.  Gee, I don’t wanna sound cynical, but I think the economy may have to pick up quite a bit before very many “everyday people” will be able slam together the $35 million to make that flight.  Hell, I’d be happy just to be able to afford gas to drive down to San Diego once in a while. On a positive note, at least these tourist flights won’t disturb anyone living on the moon, because - as far as I know, there’s only one permanent resident up there - and that’s of course the “Man on the Moon.”  No telling how he feels about all this.   And while I’m no rocket scientist, my guess is

Some Still Pushing to Have Pluto Reinstated as a Planet:  Ever since the International Astronomical Union (IAU) demoted Pluto from planet status to “dwarf planet,” there have been those who’ve been steadily pushing back, trying to get Pluto re-classified as a planet again.  My feeling has always been that maybe after we’re certain Pluto has learned its lesson and paid its debt to society - then and only then should we even consider thinking about reinstating it as a planet. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com FEMA Chief Says Puerto Rico Death Toll Numbers All Over the Place:   In remarks that echoed those of President Trump’s, embattled FEMA Administrator William “Brock” Long said figures for how many people died as a result of Hurricane Maria in Puerto Rico last year are actually “all over the place.”  I think Administrator Long may be a bit confused.  I believe its actually bodies, not numbers that are all over the place. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Kni

Former Pistons Center Tells Wife on TV He Slept with 341 Women:   Former Detroit Pistons center Jason Maxiell revealed to a national television audience on the Oprah Winfrey Network that he has slept with 341 women before and during his marriage to high school sweetheart Brandi Maxiell. Gee, only 341?  That’s showing amazing self control for a professional athlete here in the US.  Actually, I’m just kidding - obviously any decent husband would have stopped cheating after the number approached 250.  I suppose his wife will want to divorce him now, but to be fair - doesn’t everyone deserve a 342nd chance?  On the other hand, if you put all the women’s names Wilt Chamberlain claimed to have bedded on a wall, it would look a hell of a lot like the Vietnam War Memorial.  My question is, when the hell did that guy ever find time to play basketball? Anyway, the way I look at it is - while you may not think much of him as a husband, you have to be impressed with the man’s acc

Worker Killed After Falling Into Meat Blender:  A 41-year-old man has died after falling into a running meat blender at an Oregon meat-processing plant which has been repeatedly cited for safety violations.  Gee, sort of makes you long for the good old days when inspectors were only finding things like traces of horse meat or rat dung in meat.  That said, plant managers are telling the public there’s really nothing to worry about and that as long as the meat is cooked at over 165 degrees, it should be just fine to eat. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com World’s Oldest and Largest Ancient Wine Cellar:  Archaeologists say they’ve discovered a 3700-year-old wine cellar in northern Israel, making it the the oldest and largest ancient wine cellar ever to be unearthed.  In related news, Trader Joe’s announced they’ll be offering the wine at the special low price of $4.99 a bottle - beginning early next week.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com   Mummified Ice Age W

Astronomers Find Black Holes Swallow and Then Burp Up Stars:   Astronomers have discovered black holes don't just “eat” stars, but they also “burp” them back up as stellar ghosts.  They burp them up?  Well, I can’t say I’m really surprised, after all, everyone knows they eat these stars way too fast.  I mean, aren’t they supposed to wait something like 20 light years for the star to digest before eating another one? https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Earliest Known Drawing Found on Rock in South African Cave:  The earliest known cave drawing in history – a red, cross-hatched pattern believed to be 73,000 years old – has been found in a cave in South Africa.  While archeologists are thrilled, art critics were not impressed, describing the painting as “primitive at best.” https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Man Planning Murder Accidentally Butt-Dials Victim:  Police in Arkansas say a man's plot to murder another man was reportedly uncovered after he acci

Amateur Artist Botches Restoration of Ancient Jesus Sculpture:   The art world is expressing shock and outrage after learning that yet another Amateur artist in the Asturias region of Spain convinced church officials to let her restore an ancient 15th century sculpture of Mary and Jesus - and then failed miserably. Oh, for God’s sake - so to speak.  Guess no good deed goes unpunished.  Apparently, not everyone appreciates seeing priceless works of art work turned into cheap, garish Disneyesque characters.  Just goes to show, you just can’t please everyone I guess!  And we all know how fussy those art critics can be.   Now I’m the first to admit I don’t really know much about art, but I do know a good piece of candy when I see one and whatever the hell that is on the right - sure looks delicious.  It would be the perfect choice for any Easter Basket if you ask me - so what’s the problem? https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com