You've Got to Be Kidding?

Western Texas Shooting Leaves 5 Dead and 21 Injured:   Police say they’ve shot and killed a white male shooter in his mid-30s in Odessa, Texas - after the man killed 5 and injured at least 21 in yet another Texas mass shooting spree.  Now call me old-fashioned, but I still prefer those good old days when Labor Day weekends meant going to the lake or having a back yard barbecue - rather than trying to escape the carnage of a mass shooting.  But that’s just me. Yet, here we have another angry, trigger-happy Texan, riding around in his car, probably singing his rendition of that old Sam Cooke number “it’s another Saturday night, and I ain't shot nobody.”   Or, maybe he was just pissed because the local Popeyes was all out of chicken sandwiches by the time he got there?  Who knows?  Either way, it’s about time for Republicans to cue up their old “mental illness explanations” again.   Anyway, it sounds like what these poor folks really need to cheer them up is a visit

Ohio Man Accused of Planning Attack on Jewish Center:   A self-described white nationalist who owned assault-style weapons and lots of Nazi World War II memorabilia, has been charged in federal court with making threats to attack an Ohio Jewish community center. Why, what a surprise!  Another heavily-armed white nationalist planning a massacre?  Let’s see, that makes six foiled mass shootings in the past 3 weeks, and guess what - they’re all white and they’re all Trump supporters.  Who could’ve imagined?   So, it seems Trump’s Master Race strikes again!  And doesn’t this guy look like one “glorious" human specimen?  No wonder he feels superior to all the rest of us.  Why he looks so “happy” in that mugshot - maybe he should have just stuck to playing video games in his mom's basement?   Anyway, isn’t it odd we don’t see all those right-wing, Fox News media figures like Hannity or Tucker Carlson looking earnestly into the camera and asking “when is all this whit

Trump Surgeon General Warns of Health Risks of Marijuana:  Health and Human Services Secretary Alex Azar and Surgeon General Jerome Adams have issued a warning, calling marijuana "a dangerous drug,” adding that President Trump will donate one-quarter of his annual government salary toward a digital campaign to raise awareness of marijuana risks. Now isn’t that interesting?  We have a guy who lives off of fast food and diet Cokes, concerned about people's health?  All I can say is, that so-called "digital awareness campaign” Trump is supposedly donating to had better hope he’s not writing them a check. Of course, I know some of you skeptics are gonna say that if banning drugs was really about a concern for public safety, wouldn’t alcohol, tobacco and opioids be illegal?  Well, I think it’s safe to assume Surgeon General Adams would respond to that by saying “it’s none of your business.” That said, the Trump people do have a point when they talk about the da

Trump Still Claiming Russia Booted From G8 for Outsmarting Obama:   President Donald Trump tweeted that he’d “most certainly” invite Russian President Vladimir Putin to the group’s next summit, after doubling down on his claim that Russia got booted from the G8 simply because Russia “outsmarted” former President Barack Obama - when it illegally invaded and annexed Crimea in 2014. Hell, I’ll take what President Trump said one step further.  I blame Barack Obama for the Ottoman Empire losing the Russo-Turkish War back in 1774.  Of course, Obama being at fault for something is quite obvious to any Trump supporter.  On the other hand, having even the slightest clue what the hell the Ottoman Empire was - not so much!   That said, the odd thing about President Trump’s Crimean hypothesis is, I could have almost sworn it was Vladimir Putin who invaded and annexed Crimea, not Barack Obama.  But hell, I get why Trump had to blame Obama.  I mean, you can’t just go around blaming your

Study Finds Most Teens Text While Driving:   An anonymous survey of American high school teens showed that nearly 60 percent admit to texting or e-mailing while driving.  Sadly, the other 40% were too busy texting to take the survey. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Investors Want to Bring Running of the Bulls to US:  Investors are trying to bring the Great Bull Run, an event inspired by the “Running of the Bulls” in Pamplona, Spain to the U.S. next summer, which will feature bulls rushing through a fenced course while human participants run to stay out of their way.  Yea, well all I can say is, good luck trying to get Americans to participate in anything that involves running.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com International Outrage Expressed Over Inaction on Amazon’s Fires:  The record number of fires ravaging in the Amazon are drawing international outrage because of  its importance to the global environment.  You bet there's outrage over Amazon bei

Trump Suggested Using Nuclear Weapons on Hurricanes:   Its being reported that President Trump has been repeatedly suggesting to Homeland Security and other National Security officials about the idea of firing nuclear weapons into hurricanes to prevent them hitting the United States. Wow, sounds like yet another terrific idea from the Commander-in-Chief of our “US Space Force!”  So, if I’m understanding all this correctly - instead of having to deal with just a typical hurricane, people in the hurricane’s path will now be dealing with a radioactive one?  Why, that’s pure genius!   One thing’s for sure, unlike when he visited Puerto Rico - if a community gets clobbered by a hurricane full of toxic radiation, I don’t think any amount of cheap paper towels Trump tosses at local residents will do very much to clean up that mess. But hell, why stop there?  I mean, how about sending up some of those fancy new B-21 Stealth Bombers to carpet bomb Oklahoma and Nebraska whenever

Candidate Vows to Keep Marysville, Mich a White Community:  During a council forum in Marysville, Mich, Republican candidate Jean Cramer shocked attendees by vowing that Marysville needs to remain “white community as much as possible,” adding that the Bible says a “husband and wife and their kids need to be of the same race.” Gee, since it’s pretty well established historically that Jesus Christ couldn’t have been white, I assume that means Jesus himself wouldn’t have been all that welcome if he tried to settle in beautiful, downtown Marysville. You know, I always find it rather interesting how people having the right to be who they are - and to marry whomever they wish, is somehow looked upon as an attack on Christianity by these half-wits. Of course, I’m sure folks like Jean Cramer will be quick to inform you that there’s no question in her mind Jesus Christ was white.  And she may just have a point.  I mean, doesn’t her Bible have lots and lots of pictures showing a

Trump Orders US Businesses To Leave China:   Shortly after China announced they will be slapping $75 billion more in tariffs on US goods, President Trump responded by tweeting that “American companies are hereby ordered to immediately start looking for an alternative to doing business in China.” Wow, this guy really knows his economics!  And to think there’s people out there trying to portray this President as some sort of thin-skinned, maniacal, narcissistic con artist, with a Pavlovian response to flattery?  Crazy, isn’t it?   I mean, just think about it!  Why in the hell would any American company ever want to have business dealings with the fastest growing and 2nd largest economy in the world?  What do they think this is - some kind of internationally interdependent economy? Hell, even the most ardent healthcare-hating Trump supporter - strung-out on meth in some obscure red state trailer park, knows there’s a very simple solution to these trade imbalances - just buy

Sarah Huckabee Sanders Will Join Fox News as a Contributor:   According to a press release issued by the network, Sarah Huckabee Sanders has been signed on to provide “political commentary and analysis” across Fox News outlets, beginning with an appearance on Fox & Friends Sept. 6. All I can say is “gee, who could have possibly seen this coming?”  I mean, let’s get real here!  Hasn't Sarah basically been a “Fox News Contributor” from the moment she began working at the Trump White House?  Of course, her former boss Donald Trump, has been a Fox News contributor for ages now.  Being President has always just been sort of a side gig for him.  I mean, can anyone say “State TV?” Meanwhile, sources close to Sanders report that she was also offered positions at Russia’s TASS News Agency and the Korean Central News Agency (KCNA), but chose Fox because she just felt a bit more comfortable spinning lies and misinformation a little closer to home. https://www.johnnyro

Mental Health Staff Warned Don’t Contradict Trump on Mass Shootings:  After Donald Trump blamed mental illness for the mass shootings that killed 31 people in El Paso and Dayton, a Health and Human Services (HHS) directive immediately warned government scientists and experts not to dare contradict the President on the topic of “violence and mass shootings,” even though Trump’s comments run counter to well-established research on the matter.  Well then, now that we know mental illness is the culprit behind all this horror, I guess all we can do is hope that President Trump, his staff and those rabid supporters of his will get that mental health treatment they so desperately need.   That said, one has to wonder why anyone would even bother trying to contradict this President anyway?  I mean, all you have to do is just give him a day or so and he’ll be contradicting himself all over the place. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

United Tells Pilots No Alcohol for 12 Hours before Flights:   United Airlines is cautioning pilots that new rules require that they abstain from alcohol for at least 12 hours before flights, up from a previous ban of eight hours.  Gee, call me naive, but I just kind of assumed that professional airline pilots didn’t need to be told not to fly drunk. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Feds Looking for Areas to Reestablish Bison Herds:   In a somewhat controversial effort to restore America’s once-great bison herds, Federal officials are considering sending them to 20 parcels of public lands in 10 western states.  Well, that’s one option, but a more practical solution would be to just send them back home to Buffalo.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Cannibal Named Mad Dog Eats Man for Revenge:   Ouandja Magliore, the self-proclaimed "Mad Dog" of the Central African Republic, said he ate another man’s flesh as “revenge” after Muslims killed some of his fam

WA State Rep Helped Train Men in Christian Group for Biblical Warfare:  Washington State Rep. Matt Shea, a Republican who made national headlines last year when his document a “Biblical Basis for War” got leaked to the public, has been training young men involved in a Christian paramilitary organization called “Team Rugged.”  In addition, Rep. Shea has been identified in chat rooms discussing the need to violently attack political enemies.  All this, while he was also running the Washington State GOP.   My, my - so much for that “turn the other cheek” stuff.  And gee wiz, a religious organization training young men to fight and kill their fellow citizens who don’t hold the same beliefs - in a holy war?   Why, if one didn’t know better, one might think these folks are basically a “Christian ISIS.”  The way I look at it, it’s one thing when some crazed religious fanatic decides it’s time to “take up the sword for Jesus,” but it’s quite another when he grabs a thousand rounds

Mormon Church Warns No Green Tea, Vaping or Drinks Ending in ‘ccino:’   The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints wants to remind members that things such as vaping, green tea and fancy coffee drinks like those ending in ‘ccino,” are off limits under the religion’s dietary code. It’s always interesting when religious conservative folk take a stand on the important issues of the day.  On the other had, I’ve always felt coffee was good for you, and religion - well, not so much.   I mean, just think about it.  If these folks can actually ban something as harmless as cappuccinos, can “Al Pacino movies” be far behind?  Wonder what their stand on “mixed fabrics” is?  That’s yet another big biblical issue. But, come on!  Who could be against drinking green tea?  I mean, it sounds like these guys are just making all this stuff up as they go along.  Alright, so they’re abstaining from coffee and green tea, but my guess is - if the church elders told them to drink some grape

Trump Says Economy Goes Down the Tubes if He Loses in 2020:  As he headed out to yet another one of his pep rallies in New Jersey, President Trump predicted that if he loses his reelection bid in 2020, the economy will “go right down the tubes.” Well, thank you Mr President, but I think at this point in time - it’s a pretty safe bet to assume that a sizable amount of the people have already concluded that “that’s a risk we’re willing to take.” I mean, running on a record of endless mass shootings, scores of appointees in jail or under indictment, looming environmental disasters and economic uncertainty?  Now, that seems like one hell of an unusual campaign platform!    Of course, the President is now blaming the Federal Reserve for all of our economic woes.  OK, so I guess now all we need to do is figure out who that idiot moron was who picked Jerome Powell to run the Fed.  Oh wait…!!! And, if I understand him correctly, the President appears to be feeding us some o

Dow Plummets 800 Points as Recession Worries Intensify:   The Dow recorded its worst day of 2019 on Wednesday - plunging about 800 points as investors poured into the bond market, triggering a key indicator of an oncoming recession.  Well, Trump did promise he’d put an end to what Obama did to the market and he is keeping his word.  He has finally managed to put an end to those eight miserable years of steady economic growth. On the other hand, I suppose there’s no reason to assume he’ll ever evolve past a 19th century economic philosophy.  I mean, word has it that the only portion of “The Art of the Deal" that wasn’t ghostwritten and actually written by Donald Trump - was Chapter 11. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Ohio Man With 10,000 Rounds of Ammo Arrested for Threatening FBI:   Prosecutors say an 18-year-old Ohio man who used the chatroom handle “ArmyOfChrist” and who’s residence included a huge stockpile of high-powered weapons and 10,000 rounds of ammunition - has been arrested and charged with making online threats against federal agents as well as groups like Planned Parenthood. Wow, seems like these NRA sleeper cells are popping up all over the place now.  Of course, I’m sure his parents had “no idea” that their son was assembling an arsenal large enough to equip a small army - right in their house. Meanwhile, shocked neighbors say he was really just the nicest kid, who always treated everyone with decency and respect - that is, with the possible exception of everyone he hated and wished they were dead. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Trump Using Divisive Topics Like Plastic Straws to Energize Base:  Using tactics such as plastic straws, wind turbines, bogus conspiracy theories and race-baiting, White House aides freely admit that Donald Trump has been deliberately attempting to amplify public tensions in America by seizing on divisive issues as a means to energize his explosively angry base. Now, I know what some of you are thinking - you’re thinking “now this, is the last straw!”  Well, before you attack the “straw man,” remember that Donald Trump was that kid in school who thought it was simply hilarious to jam two straws up his nostrils.  Straws were an important part of Donald’s childhood, so it shouldn’t be a big surprise they remain so today.     What all you “elites" don’t understand is that Trump folks are all about fighting for “freedom.”  You know, the freedom to be morbidly obese, the freedom to destroy the environment, the freedom to live without affordable healthcare, the freedom to di

Trump Supporters and Anti-Semitism:  Just got into an argument in Starbucks with some half-witted Trump supporter about anti-Semitism, and this guy tells me he "doesn't have an antisymmetric bone in his body." I just looked at him and said "maybe not, but you're certainly asymmetric - how else you gonna explain that fucking haircut?” https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Study Finds Half of All Americans Are Lonely:   A recent study found that nearly half of all Americans polled today say they’re lonely.  Well, then I suppose it’s a lucky thing the pollsters contacted them.  Give them someone to talk to. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Repeal of Child Labor Laws:  I’m guessing this means the Trump administration was finally able to repeal US child labor laws.

Las Vegas Neo-Nazi Charged With Plot to Bomb Gay Club and Synagogue:   The FBI arrested and charged 23-year-old Las Vegas neo-Nazi Conor Climo, with plotting to bomb a synagogue and gay night club after he was found in possession of bomb-making materials and various high-powered weapons and ammunitions while communicating with white supremacist organizations. Well, it also turns out this fine gentleman was yet another one of those “patriotic” Americans who fancied himself as a self-appointed neighborhood watch guard - and a heavily armed one at that, complete with knives, pistols and an AR-15.   Now, I hate to sound judgmental, but I suspect that if your neighborhood watch guy looks like this guy - perhaps your neighborhood might be better off without a “neighborhood watch guy.”   Meanwhile, President Trump says he’ll be meeting with the NRA very soon on the topic of gun violence.  Now I realize Republicans are always telling us that those NRA folks are most definitely n

Louisiana Woman Claims Meth Found in Her Groin Area Not Hers:   Police say that shortly after her arrest, a Louisiana woman tried to convince them that she had no idea where the meth found in her groin area came from. Now come on, before you laugh - it’s possible she's on the up-and-up.  I’ll tell ya one thing, if I had a nickel for every time the cops found meth in one of my body parts - I sure as hell wouldn’t be out here on Hollywood Blvd selling bogus maps to the star’s homes like I am today.   Besides, maybe she was just renting it out to someone - you know, like one of those self-storage lockers you see over there on Olympic Blvd in West LA.  That said, police say further investigation also turned up four gold watches, two new iPads along with cyber fugitive Edward Snowden. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Trump Appoints John Ratcliffe “Acting” Director of National Intelligence:  After a scandal caused Rep. John Ratcliffe (R-Tex.) to pull out of the running for Director of National Intelligence, President Trump announced in a tweet that he will appoint Joseph Maguire as “acting director” of the agency. Call me crazy, but “Acting” Director of Intelligence seems like the perfect metaphor for a position in this administration.  Hell, any attempt by some Trump appointee to demonstrate what we generally define as “intelligence,” could only be considered “acting” anyway.  In fact, President Trump now has so many unvetted “acting” directors, it’s almost like just as soon as he appoints someone, they immediately become eligible for their SAG cards. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Sharks Bite Three in One Day on Same Beach in Separate Attacks:   Three people are recovering after being bitten by sharks on the very same day at New Smyrna Beach in Florida, a beach that has the rather dubious reputation of being known as “the Shark Capital of the World.” So, let me get this straight - we have a beach with a nasty reputation for shark attacks, we have 3 people bitten by sharks within the last 24 hours - and yet Floridians are still head right in the water for a swim?  Well. all I can say is, hold my beer! In fact, a quick check over at the Florida Museum of Natural History reveals there have been a total of 1,441 “unprovoked” shark attacks in the US since 1837, the majority (828) occurring right in Florida.  Unprovoked attacks?  That has me wondering, just how many “provoked attacks" have there been?    Anyway, when asked about the situation, an angry NRA spokesperson said “these ruthless attacks have to be stopped,” and is proposing arming all b

Christian TV Host Calls Mass Shootings Deep State Plot to Block Worship:   Right-wing Christian TV host and conspiracy theorist Chris McDonald told viewers and parishioners that the mass shootings in El Paso and Dayton occurred - because of a “pure evil.”  He then went on to explain how people are being used as pawns in an elite, deep state plot to control this country by taking away our guns and therefore, our freedom to worship God. Now, in all fairness, Reverend McDonald does have a valid point about the "deep state” plotting to confiscate guns in order to prevent worship.  I mean, just how the hell is someone supposed to worship God without a gun?  That just wouldn’t make any sense.   Got it, but then my question is - if the "deep state" is really all that concerned about stopping people from worshiping Jesus, then why not target actual churches instead places like El Paso Walmarts and hipster bars over in Dayton, Ohio?     Anyway, all of that aside,

Trump Calls Mass Shootings a Mental Illness Problem:   President Trump spoke to reporters as he was leaving his Bedminster resort after another relaxing weekend of golf, and labeled the two shootings in El Paso and Dayton, which left at least 29 people dead within 24 hours - “a mental illness problem.”   No kidding?  Gee, and here I always assumed the definition of “mental illness” was when someone actually believes something that Donald Trump has said.   Well, come to think of it, we know that at least the El Paso shooter was a big Trump devotee, so maybe Trump’s mental illness diagnosis is actually on to something?   That said, I do believe in giving credit where credit is due, so let’s thank President Trump for interrupting his busy weekend to send out prayers from his golf resort. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

At Least 20 Dead and Dozens Injured in El Paso Walmart Massacre:   Twenty people were killed and dozens more injured in yet another massacre by right-wing gunman, this time at an El Paso Walmart.  The store was packed with back-to-school shoppers, making it one of the ten deadliest mass shootings in U.S. history.   Well, fortunately for victim’s families, Republicans have announced they’ll be sending out many more than their usual “thoughts and prayers” to everyone involved - after all, there’s good people on both sides of this issue you know.   In addition, leading Republican senators promise to make funds available to arm all Walmart employees nationwide with fully automatic M4 Carbines - as well as immediately reform numerous committees to investigate Hillary’s e-mails and the 2011 Benghazi attack.  And so, it seems yet again - the world is left wondering how and why another horrific incident like this occurred.  In the meantime, confused and disoriented Trump support

Televangelist Claims Veggie Burgers are a Satanic Plot to Alter Our DNA:   Christian televangelist Rick Wiles is warning his audience that the popularity of plant-based alternatives to meat and dairy products are part of a satanic plot to alter human DNA and create a race of soulless creatures who will no longer be able to accept Jesus Christ as their personal savor.  Wow, who knew?  And while I’m sure many of you are laughing, Pastor Wiles does have a valid point.  Just think about it, when’s the last time you’ve seen anyone accepting Jesus Christ as their personal savior while they were gobbling down a meatless veggie burger?  I thought so!   Now, I know some of you skeptics are gonna ask, if Lucifer alters the DNA of some poor schmuck who innocently downed a veggie burger at lunch- why the hell doesn’t God just issue some kind of a “software update" and fix the poor guy’s DNA himself?  After all, don’t Christians believe God made all the plants too. Well, if Past

White House Discloses Trump Called Putin the Day of Democratic Debates:   While everyone was busy watching the Democratic primary debate Wednesday night, the White House decided it might be a good moment to disclose that President Donald Trump called his Russian counterpart Vladimir Putin, allegedly to offer help with putting out wildfires in Siberia.  Gee, funny how Trump didn’t seem to have quite the same compassion about those deadly wildfires in California last year, blaming Californians for not raking their forests.  Wonder if he gave the same scolding to Vlad and his boys? https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Greenland Ice Sheet Dumped 197 Billion Tons of Water Into Atlantic:   In a startling revelation, scientists report that the Greenland ice sheet poured over 197 billion tons of water into the North Atlantic in July alone.  Wow, I guess that explains that tsunami which just injured all those people at that water park. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Magic