You've Got to Be Kidding?

During a segment on Fox News, while discussing climate change, Senator Ron Johnson (R-WI) made the claim that the world is not really facing a climate crisis and that it is all just so much hysteria based on “bad science.”   He further claimed that alarmists were "ignoring the impact of clouds to basically act as a heatsink."   Then, without missing a beat, he astonishingly proceeded to claim “windmills are killing the whales.” Wow, the nation’s dumbest senator said what?  Clouds will stop climate change?   Makes sense, just like umbrellas will stop it from raining.   So, if it’ll be clouds that’ll stop climate change, I guess that would explain why Johnson spends so much time in his backyard in his underwear yelling up at the clouds.   Frankly, the only way I can imagine Johnson’s cloud scenario possibly working would be if Johnson were to release that massively dense, dark cloud that inhabits most of the interior of his skull. Of course, Johnson’s Republi...

It’s being reported that historically low water levels in the Mississippi River have caused at least 25 separate closures to traffic since October 11th.   Each stoppage is estimated to cost $300 million per day to the US economy, and could devastate some markets.   For example, 60% of the nation's corn and soybean exports rely on the Mississippi to get to customers. Members of the MAGA “Republican Freedom Caucus” were quick to respond by claiming “this is clearly Biden, Hillary, and Obama’s fault.”  Ohhhh, my gosh!   Not more of those damn “George Soros-funded, water-sucking satellites again.”   Of course!   It’s so blatantly obvious, especially to all the folks wearing those bright red MAGA caps.   That said, I guess we really don’t even need to ask Kyrie Irving or Kayne West - who they’re blaming all this on. However, in contrast to all those folks, traditional Republicans like Mitch McConnell, or corporate Democrats like Joe Manchin, will be quick ...

The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration has just declared July 2021 the world’s hottest month in the 142 years that records have been kept.   In fact, the combined land and ocean surface temperature this July was a full 1.67 degrees Fahrenheit above the 20th-century average. No kidding?  I was wondering why just about everything on Earth seemed to be on fire.  Not being a scientist, I just assumed one of those “Disco Infernos” from the late 1970s, may have caught fire.  Of course, Republicans are quick to point out that “when the Earth was condensing from molten rock, it was actually a lot hotter - so this current warming trend is nothing but small potatoes.”  Now, while they do kinda have a point, perhaps we should wait until Mike Lindell or Rudy Giuliani chime in - before we make any important decisions on the matter.  Also, what an odd coincidence that all the same people who believe “the coronavirus is a hoax, the Jan 6th insurrection was...

USDA Calls Republican Claims of Biden Planning Meat Ban a Fabrication:  The U.S. Department of Agriculture (USDA) said Monday that there is absolutely no truth whatsoever to a story being circulated by The Daily Mail and Fox News , claiming that President Biden’s climate plan intends to limit the consumption of red meat by US citizens.  Fox News host and former Trump advisor Larry Kudlow took it one step further, complaining that we’ll soon all be forced to drink “plant-based beer.” Wow, forced to drink “plant-based” beer?  Why, no wonder all Trump’s beer-drinking fans are “hopping” mad.  Now, wait just a minute!  Do you suppose Larry Kudlow really believes that beer comes from dairy cattle?  Because that assumption would be udderly false.   Fortunately, Trump “patriots” have already begun stockpiling cattle in preparation for the upcoming beef ban.  I can hear these brave souls now “if Biden wants to try to take away the source of my high choles...

Study Finds Half of World’s Beaches Will Disappear by 2100:   A new study determined that climate change will result in half of the world’s beaches disappearing by the year 2100 due to sea-level rise and erosion from storms.  Oh damn, there goes my 2100 vacation plans. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Polar Bears Not Descended From Brown Bears:  After analyzing DNA samples from the two species, scientists have concluded that polar bears are not directly related to brown bears.  Well, I guess that pretty much explains the chilly reception brown bears get - every time they come up to visit the polar bears over the holidays.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com  Study Claims People Feel Worse After Visiting Facebook:  A new study says that one in three people feel worse after visiting a “friend’s” Facebook profile.  To be honest, I don’t feel any worse after I visit Facebook - I just feel a little more stupid.

Trump Tells Americans Use Mops and Buckets to Combat Rising Seas:   Donald Trump launched into a scathing attack on recent proposals to build a six-mile sea wall around New York, urging the city’s residents to instead use “mops and buckets” to cope with the rising sea levels. Sure Mr President, we’ll get right on that mopping business, just as soon as we finish raking the national forests.  By the way, whatever happened to that old “Walls Work” slogan of yours?   But I get Trump’s point here, putting up a sea wall is just plain crazy.  Of course, building a wall around the desert is nothing short of pure genius.  Besides, it isn’t like there’s a whole lotta of people living in Manhattan anyway.   Anyway, the way I see it - there’s no need for New Yorkers to run right out and buy themselves a fancy new mop to soak up all that sea water, not when Trump’s hair ought to work just as well. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Trump EPA to Limit Science Used in Determining Public Health Policy:   Fearful that scientific research might interfere with their plans to dismantle pollution and climate change regulations, the Trump Administration is preparing to significantly limit the scientific and medical research that the government can use to determine public health regulations, overriding protests from scientists and physicians who claim this would undermine the scientific underpinnings of government policymaking. Wow, sounds like EPA scientists have just become our new “Public Enemy Number One.”  I suppose it’s not all that surprising.  I mean, I seriously doubt if any of the clowns Trump has appointed to the EPA would even understand the scientific method if it slapped them right in the face.  Hell, Trump can barely read, let alone understand some fancy-pants, scientific proposal.  Now what I don’t get is, if we limit the input of scientific and medical research, then what...

Private Fire Crews Protect the Insured - Not the Public:  As Trump conservatives continue their mission of making deeper cuts into needed governmental services for the general public, and with wildfires becoming more commonplace as the Earth warms, many wealthy communities are now employing “private firefighting crews” to protect their property - but these organizations are quite controversial, as their mission is only to protect the homes of their wealthy clients. How quaint!  Why, those nostalgic Trump conservatives want us to return back to those exciting days of yesteryear.  Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to reintroduce you to the concept of “Social Darwinism.”  Yes indeed!  Back to that pre-Civil War model of “pay-for-play” firefighting.  “Just what do you mean you aren’t wealthy enough to pay for our fire or rescue services? Well then, I’m afraid you’re on your own my friend.  Oh, and have a nice day !”  Ah yes, those were the ...

Tropical Storm Karen Forms in the Atlantic:  Tropical Storm Karen has formed in the Atlantic and is moving through the Southern Windward islands and could possibly hit storm-ravaged  Puerto Rico by early next week. Speaking to reporters, President Trump said “it’s of course, way too early to know for sure what direction the storm is headed.”  Adding that “all we know at this point is, it’s gonna do one helluva lotta damage in Alabama.”  Staff, at the National Weather Service, still reeling over being contradicted about Hurricane Dorian’s path by Trump’s NOAA appointees, have confirmed that Alabama is in the direct path of President Trump's sharpie.   In response, and to prevent any further possible confusion, staff at the NWS are suggesting it might be a good idea at this point to just rename the damn thing “Tropical Storm Sharpie.” https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Study Identifies Largest Flying Creature That Ever Lived:   Scientists have finally identified and unveiled a new airplane-sized species of pterosaur named Cryodrakon boreas, which scientists say was first discovered more than 30 years ago in Alberta, Canada - a species that lorded over the primeval skies in the late Cretaceous period. Wow, isn’t it totally exciting when science make these interesting new discoveries?  Now, it’s simply a matter of time before all those YouTube videos start coming out, claiming recent sightings.  Those folks never disappoint my friends.    And, they’re saying "these remains were actually first discovered more than 30 years ago in Alberta, Canada?”  I guess that pretty much explains the red maple leaf on its back.  Wonder how the hell they were able to figure out the creature flew for Air Canada? But what the hell do I know?  I mean, I’m certainly no expert on dinosaurs, pterosaurs or even Air Canad...

Trump Claims Bahamas are Full of Bad Gang Members:   President Trump shocked reporters by telling them that he is hesitant to allow any Bahamians to enter the US after Hurricane Dorian, because the island is full of "bad gang members.” Right, “bad gang members.”  That’s as opposed to all the “good gang members” who follow him.  You know, like the KKK, the neo-Nazis and all those white-supremacist militia gangs. But come on, if Trump really thought that there’s all these “bad guys” roaming around in the Bahamas, you’d think he’d have invited them to meet with him at Camp David by now. That said, my guess is that about the only thing Donald Trump actually knows about the Bahamas is that it’s surrounded bigly, by a Yuge bunch of water. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

NOAA Now Backing Trump on Alabama Hurricane Forecast:   After President Trump displayed a doctored map to try to justify his earlier false claim that Alabama was at risk of a direct hit from Hurricane Dorian, Trump-appointed officials at NOAA on Friday fired off an unsigned tweet siding with the President over their own scientists in this ongoing controversy. Now, I never dreamed it possible, but somehow Donald Trump has actually managed to politicize the “wind.”  I mean, come on - this damn NOAA statement sounds a helluva lot more like a hostage statement than a public safety notification.     Anyway, let me get this straight.  So we have a statement put out by a governmental agency, who’s ultimately responsible for the public safety, defending an inaccurate, pathetic and embarrassingly insane weather forecast issued by Donald Trump?   I mean, just how can something like this even happen?  Has no one ever read Orwell?  And speaking...

White House Press Secretary Feuds with Press Over Hurricane Graphics:   After President Trump displayed his now infamous “sharpie altered weather graphic” with a bogus path the President claimed hurricane Dorian would likely take, which caused a big stir among meteorologists, the press and on social media - both the President and White House Press Secretary Stephanie Grisham took to twitter to bitterly denounce reporters and news organizations who dared criticize him.   Wait a minute - stop!  You’re telling me the White House has a press secretary?  Are you kidding me?  I mean, who knew?  Hell, maybe they ought to consider holding a press conference - you know, to announce they have a press secretary. And now you tell me she’s been on the job for several months?  Call me old fashioned, but I always assumed that one of the White House Press secretary’s major responsibilities, was to hold press briefings?  Good grief, is it possible that...

Trump Causes Confusion by Saying Record Storm will Hit Alabama:   The National Weather Service had to issue a statement to correct the confusion President Trump created when he claimed Hurricane Dorian - the most powerful storm to make landfall on record - was forecast to hit Alabama, even though Alabama is not among the states which experts say is threatened. Good grief, that has me a little concerned.  I mean, if that damn storm can threaten Alabama, even though Alabama is nowhere near where the storm is actually headed, what’s to stop it from turning around and heading right over here to Santa Monica?   Now of course, the truth of the matter is - Donald Trump most likely doesn’t even have slightest idea where the hell Alabama is.  We know this because he also ordered the St Louis Gateway Arch evacuated until hurricane season is completely over. That said, I do have to admit that under President Trump, we have had some of the biggest and most spectac...

Trump Suggested Using Nuclear Weapons on Hurricanes:   Its being reported that President Trump has been repeatedly suggesting to Homeland Security and other National Security officials about the idea of firing nuclear weapons into hurricanes to prevent them hitting the United States. Wow, sounds like yet another terrific idea from the Commander-in-Chief of our “US Space Force!”  So, if I’m understanding all this correctly - instead of having to deal with just a typical hurricane, people in the hurricane’s path will now be dealing with a radioactive one?  Why, that’s pure genius!   One thing’s for sure, unlike when he visited Puerto Rico - if a community gets clobbered by a hurricane full of toxic radiation, I don’t think any amount of cheap paper towels Trump tosses at local residents will do very much to clean up that mess. But hell, why stop there?  I mean, how about sending up some of those fancy new B-21 Stealth Bombers to carpet bomb Oklahom...

White House Discloses Trump Called Putin the Day of Democratic Debates:   While everyone was busy watching the Democratic primary debate Wednesday night, the White House decided it might be a good moment to disclose that President Donald Trump called his Russian counterpart Vladimir Putin, allegedly to offer help with putting out wildfires in Siberia.  Gee, funny how Trump didn’t seem to have quite the same compassion about those deadly wildfires in California last year, blaming Californians for not raking their forests.  Wonder if he gave the same scolding to Vlad and his boys? https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Greenland Ice Sheet Dumped 197 Billion Tons of Water Into Atlantic:   In a startling revelation, scientists report that the Greenland ice sheet poured over 197 billion tons of water into the North Atlantic in July alone.  Wow, I guess that explains that tsunami which just injured all those people at that water park. https://www.johnnyr...

Biologists Clash Over the Idea That Plants Are Conscious:   Some traditionally minded botanists in the US, UK and Germany are beginning to fight back after nearly a decade of research which suggested that plants can have feelings, intentions and even consciousness.   Good grief, are really they serious?  Why, if these researchers are actually correct, then my next door neighbor lady is one huge offender.  I mean, just the other day - I observed her denigrating her dandelions, cussing out her chrysanthemums and pissing-off her petunias.  Talk about having issues!   Now, after reading this article, I’m starting to feel rather bad about the whole situation.  But the thing is, I have no idea to whom or even how one would go about reporting an incident of this nature.  That is, without some wise-ass psychiatrist trying to put me back on the heavy meds again. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Half-Ton Birds Were Roaming Europe When Humans Arrived:   Scientists report that giant, flightless birds, so large that they actually dwarfed modern ostriches and weighed-in at nearly half a ton, were roaming Europe at the same time the first archaic humans arrived in the area from Africa.   Look, I’m obviously no paleontologist, but if I’m understanding this article correctly - they’re basically explaining to us that just as we once had some banks that became “too big to fail,” Europe had itself a bunch of half-ton birds who became “too fat to fly?” OK, so the birds were a little on the chunky size.  We get that.  Not to sound critical of our scientific community, but just what the hell is point of “fat-shaming” a bunch of extinct, half ton, flightless birds at this stage of the game?  Especially, when they’re no longer here to defend themselves.  Besides, maybe they were just “big-boned?”  You big-shot paleontologists ever think about t...

Harvard’s Robotic Insects Finally Take Flight:   Researchers at Harvard University say they have designed and built a new, breakthrough type of solar-powered robotic insect that is capable of true, untethered flight.   Good grief, I’ve been fighting insect infestations every summer for years and years, and now you tell me their designing mechanical ones?  I mean, just what I need - a solar-powered fly to land in my soup! Kind of makes you wonder, what the hell’s next - robotic rodent infestations?  Then, I suppose, we’ll all need to purchase a bunch of specially-designed robotic cats to try and catch the damn things.  For crying out loud - please make it all stop! https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

UK Health Group Says Too Much Cleanliness Not Bad for Health:   According to The Royal Society for Public Health, the notion that too much cleanliness can be bad for your health and that children need to be exposed to germs is a “dangerous myth.”  Oh hell!  And to think I’ve been keeping my house a total mess all this time - you know, just to strengthen my defenses.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Mars Rover Snaps Pic With Mystery Lights Way in the Background:   The internet is abuzz with conspiracy theories after a picture, snapped by NASA’s Mars Curiosity Rover, shows a very mysterious looking light way off in the distance.  Personally, I think it’s just the headlights from a commuter, who decided to take a detour off that damn 405 freeway here in LA.  Hell, traffic’s been so messed up on that freeway, I don’t blame them for taking an alternative route - even if it is a bit out of the way.  I mean, who the hell wants to deal with a...