USDA Calls Republican Claims of Biden Planning Meat Ban a Fabrication

USDA Calls Republican Claims of Biden Planning Meat Ban a Fabrication: The U.S. Department of Agriculture (USDA) said Monday that there is absolutely no truth whatsoever to a story being circulated by The Daily Mail and Fox News, claiming that President Biden’s climate plan intends to limit the consumption of red meat by US citizens. Fox News host and former Trump advisor Larry Kudlow took it one step further, complaining that we’ll soon all be forced to drink “plant-based beer.”

Wow, forced to drink “plant-based” beer? Why, no wonder all Trump’s beer-drinking fans are “hopping” mad. Now, wait just a minute! Do you suppose Larry Kudlow really believes that beer comes from dairy cattle? Because that assumption would be udderly false.

Fortunately, Trump “patriots” have already begun stockpiling cattle in preparation for the upcoming beef ban. I can hear these brave souls now “if Biden wants to try to take away the source of my high cholesterol and coronary heart disease, he’ll have to pry them from my cold, dead hands.”

In contrast to that, conspiracy theorists Marjorie Taylor Greene and Lauren Boebert believe Joe Biden and Bill Gates have secretly hidden “microchips” in the nation's beef supply, and are warning folks to avoid eating any “chipped beef.” They say not only is Biden coming for your hamburgers, he’s also gonna snatch your children and force them to undergo gender reassignment!

Now, some may complain that Republicans have absolutely no evidence to back up any of these claims. Well, the truth is - “they don't need no stink’n evidence. You see, these are people who enjoy spending their time getting really, really angry about things - that aren’t even real. That’s right, a Trumper will believe almost anything - except the truth.

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GOP Lawmaker Says Trump’s Conduct Crosses Impeachment Threshold

GOP Lawmaker Says Trump’s Conduct Crosses Impeachment Threshold: Rep. Justin Amash (R-Mich.), has become the first Republican congressman to publicly state that, based on the Mueller Report - the President “engaged in impeachable conduct.” Rep. Amash further added that Attorney General Barr “deliberately misrepresented” the Mueller Report’s findings to congress and to the American public. Oh boy! One can only imagine the 3 AM tweet storm that’s gonna emanate from Trump’s porcelain throne over this level of betrayal. I’ll tell you another thing, disloyalty of this magnitude to the Cult of Trump isn’t likely to set well in America’s trailer parks either. But then again, what else is new? After all, Republicans have never viewed reality as being in their best interests. Now, I have no idea how all this is gonna finally go down, but I do know one thing - Justin Amash is definitely not gonna get an invite to Donald Trump's next wedding....

Self-Described Prophet and Pastor Warns Critics They Risk Leprosy

Self-Described Prophet and Pastor Warns Critics They Risk Leprosy: After numerous prophecies of his failed to materialize, resulting in various accusations of lies and fraud, self-described “prophet” and right-wing pastor Hank Kunneman of “One Voice Ministries” warned fellow Christians that they "better be very careful" about criticizing "prophets" like him, because "It's a dangerous place, and some of you might get leprosy.” Wow, leprosy? That’s one helluva threat! Now, while I wasn’t there, my guess is that it all came down something like this - some critic calls out God’s “prophet” Kunneman for his bogus claims, then further challenges him by declaring “You want a piece of me, then come and get it!” Then God gave that critic leprosy - and that “piece of him” just fell right off. Now, on a personal note, I’ve also been a vocal critic of Kunneman’s ministry for a long time now, and I can happily report that I haven’t come down with “leprosy.” Alth...

Nigerian President Denies Dying and Being Replaced by a Clone

Nigerian President Denies Dying and Being Replaced by a Clone: Speaking at a recent conference, Nigeria’s President Muhammadu Buhari denied claims that he had died and been replaced by a Sudanese impostor or a clone, breaking his silence on a rumor that has been circulating on social media for months. Wait a minute, I think I saw that movie - “ Weekend at Muhammadu’s. ” And, if I remember correctly - wasn’t it was a Sudanese actor who played the lead? Who do they think they’re kidding anyway? After all, I wasn’t born yesterday! Now, of course, I’m sitting out here in California - so I have no sure-fire way to confirm or deny all these rumors, but I do know one thing - if you can’t believe Nigerian e-mails and social media posts, what the hell can you believe? https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

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