You've Got to Be Kidding?

American Exposed to Ebola being Monitored in Nebraska Hospital:  An American who may have been exposed to the lethal disease Ebola while in the Democratic Republic of Congo, has arrived at a Nebraska hospital to be monitored.  The CDC is asking frightened citizens to try and put things in perspective - pointing out that far more Americans will likely get dumped by Taylor Swift this year than will ever contract Ebola. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Workers Find 30 Rattlesnakes Under Texas Cabin:   When workers in Gorman, Texas, saw a rattlesnake slither under an old hunting cabin, they lifted the whole building to find 30 of the deadly snakes.  So there were exactly 30 of them?  My question is, whose job was it to count them?  Anyway, when workers informed the woman who owned the house of the situation, her response was ”well, at least they weren't spiders.” https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com California Hiker Killed by Oregon Hunter:  A California man

Lindsay Graham Says Trump’s Wall is a Metaphor for Border Security:   In an effort to assure a determined President Trump that we’re going to be funding his “wall," while still giving Democrats something they can sign off on - Sen. Lindsay Graham (R-SC) has been telling the press that President Trump’s “wall” is simply becoming “a metaphor for border security.”  Wow - so if I understand this correctly, we’re now asking taxpayers to shell out at least $5 billion for a metaphor?  Gee, if that’s true, couldn’t we find a cheaper metaphor somewhere - maybe even a used one?  I mean, $5 billion is a lot of dough.  I suggest checking on Craig’s List.  Of course, the irony is, if Senator Graham is correct - then we’ve basically shut down our entire government operations - over a “metaphor!”   Now if that’s actually the case, then I think I have an idea.  Instead of waiting for Mexico to announce that they’ve finally seen the light and have decided to fully fund Trump’s metapho

Cyber Attack Disrupts U.S. Newspaper Distribution:   A cyber attack which appeared to have originated outside the United States, caused major printing and delivery disruptions at the Los Angeles Times as well as quite a few other prominent U.S. newspapers.  Gee, I received my paper at the usual time with no delay whatsoever.  Hell, the only thing I noticed that seemed a bit odd was the lead story was extensive coverage on William McKinley’s death and it was printed almost entirely in Russian.  But other than that, I didn’t notice anything especially unusual.  Hmmm…   When reporters asked about whether they were looking into the incident, a Homeland Security spokesperson said “look, our mission is to lock up children, not babysit liberal newspapers.”  Anyway, who knows?  Perhaps now the Times might even consider upgrading their software to something a little more current than Windows 7. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Trump Threatens to Close Mexico Border if No Wall Funding:   In a series of tweets, Donald Trump has been threatening to close down the US border with Mexico “entirely” if Democrats don’t give in and provide him with the funding he’s been demanding for his border wall. Trump added that if closing the US/Mexican border isn’t enough to sway those damn Democrats, he may be forced make a bold statement and bomb the hell out of what the White House, Fox News and many other white nationalist “patriots” consider to be perhaps the most dangerous symbolic attack on US sovereignty we have in this country - the Statue of Liberty .  Well, at least now we know what Santa brought Donald for Christmas - lunacy!  Now I’m no policy genius, but I think at a times like this - it’s extremely important for everyone to remember that it’s never a good idea to give in to the childish demands of a 5-year-old brat - even if that brat happens to be 72.   Now, the pressing question that remains

Nissan American Executive Greg Kelly Released on Bail:   Nissan Motor Co. executive Greg Kelly has been released from detention in Japan after being granted bail over the alleged underreporting of his boss Carlos Ghosn's pay by $44 million between 2011 and 2015.  Kelly acknowledged the error of his ways and promised that if the court saw fit to release him, he will turn over a new Nissan Leaf.     https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Hoarder Dies After Floor Collapses from Weight of Junk in House:  Police in Connecticut have recovered the body a 66-year-old woman - known as a compulsive hoarder - from the basement of her home after the first floor collapsed under the weight of all the junk she had stacked everywhere floor to ceiling.  Friends say that while it’s tragic the way she died, no one can say that she didn’t pack a whole lot into her life while she was here. Controversial Study Links Fluoride to Lower IQ:  A controversial new study found that certain che

Trump Vows Not to Reopen Federal Government Without Wall Funding:  In a recent Oval Office appearance, President Trump declared that he fully intends to keep the federal government closed until he secures the desired funding from Congress for his promised border wall.   Gee, sounds like poor Donald is dreaming about his border wall almost as much as he dreams about having sex with Melania again.  Unfortunately for him, the way things appear to be going - his prospects for either aren’t really looking very good. That said, I do have to give credit to this "Art of the Deal” fraudster.  I mean, it appears his biggest deal yet is working out exactly as planned - of course, that deal was with Vladimir Putin to destroy the US economy and alienate all our allies.  Seems “Mr T” has actually been working for "Mr P” all this time.  Now personally, I think it’s about time we consider granting Mr Trump his cherished wall - and maybe even a firing squad to go with it. https:

Long-Acting Contraceptives Gaining Acceptance With U.S. Women:   New data shows that two-thirds of American women between the ages of 15 to 49 are using contraception and many are choosing implantable long-acting devices such as I.U.D.’s.  Why of course they want the long-term contraceptives.  I mean, what woman is gonna choose the “ wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am " contraceptive? https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Scientists Excited About Finding Harnessed Horses in Pompeii:  Archaeologists are excited about the discovery of 2,000-year-old horses which were still harnessed and tied near the ancient ruins of Pompeii.  OK, but why’s it such a big deal that they’re still harnessed?  I mean, it isn’t like after being mummified for over 2000 years, they’re suddenly gonna take off running somewhere.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Florida Woman Drags Ex-Husband Behind Truck:   A 61-year-old Florida woman, with the aid of two friends, first shocked her ex-husband

New Jersey Referee Ordered Black Wrestler To Cut Hair:   People all over the world are decrying a New Jersey referee’s decision to force a black teen wrestler to cut his hair or forfeit his match as racist ruling.   And if that wasn’t bad enough, it turns out the referee was bald - so that ought to tell you something.  Now knowing that, one can't help but wonder - had only hair transplants and  minoxidil  had been a bit more affordable in New Jersey, would this humiliating incident have ever even occurred?     Then, to add insult to injury - immediately following his hastily arranged forced buzzcut - the ref insisted the teen followup by purchasing a quality Paul Mitchell Systems Shampoo and Conditioner and arrange a touchup on his new hairdo’s rough edges at the Jose Eber Hair Salon in fashionable Beverly Hills. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Woman Sparks Uproar Complaining About Useless Gifts from Her Family:  A woman has caused outrage on the online forum Mumsnet for saying she prefers getting no Christmas gifts, while calling the gifts her family gave her “useless bags of tat.”  Damn, I’m with her!  Last year a family member gave me a $2 snow globe and a 1.7 oz bottle of non-alcoholic whiskey with a May 2012 expiration date.  Now I ask you, just how in the hell am I supposed to regift something like that? https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Texas Man Killed Over Argument About Ending of Film:  The Harris County Sheriff’s Office reports that a man was killed by two other movie goers after arguing about the ending of an action film they had all just seen.  The judge gave both shooters probation, but only on the condition that they promise to watch nothing but romantic comedies from this point on. Older Americans Lack Skills to Understand Medical Information:   Researchers say more than half of older Am

Trump Claims He Knows Technology Better Than Anyone:   After opponents called it an old-fashioned idea, Donald Trump defended construction of a wall along the US-Mexico border in a bizarre series of tweets in which he compared it to "the wheel" and boasted that he “understood technology better than anyone.”  Wow, this guy must be awfully smart then!  I mean, first he’s withdrawing from Syria and Afghanistan because he “knows more than the Generals” - and now, he “understands technology better than anyone?”  Who knew?  Now I don’t know what his definition of “understands” is when it applies to technology, but I’d be willing to bet that this is a guy who’d be at a total loss trying to operate a kitchen toaster. Now I suppose my question to this highly technical, stable genius and his loyal followers who claim to believe that this wall is the best solution to curb immigration from Mexico is - do you even realize that Mexico has airports just like we do - with dire

Trump Orders Total Withdrawal of U.S. Forces in Syria:  Against the wishes of his top military advisors, President Trump has ordered a total withdrawal of U.S. troops in Syria, declaring they have succeeded in their mission to defeat the Islamic State. Excuse me, but shouldn’t that headline actually read - “Putin Withdraws US Troops from Syria?"  Because it sure sounds like we’re one step closer to that cherished “Trump Tower Moscow.”  And, to top it all off, Trump is now claiming that ISIS has been defeated.  I mean, who knew?  Apparently, not even ISIS.  Guess it’s time to ask George W Bush where that old “Mission Accomplished” banner is being stored. That said, I can’t help but wonder if only Trump’s father had pulled out as quickly as Donald is doing in Syria, perhaps we wouldn’t be in a lot of these messes we now find ourselves in.  But, of course, in all fairness - I completely understand where Trump’s coming from on this Syrian withdrawal.   After all, thos

Tucker Carlson Doubles Down on Controversial Immigration Comments:   Tucker Carlson says he “will not be intimidated” and is standing behind his inflammatory comments about immigrants “making our country poorer, dirtier and more divided” -  even as the number of corporations who’ve stopped advertising on his show continues to rise.   You know, I admit that I have to agree with Trucker that there’s definitely something that’s making America “dirtier and more divided,” but it certainly isn't immigrants - it’s all the weasels over at Fox News. So immigrants are dividing us?  Gee, I think it’s a pretty safe bet that most Americans would have much more in common with “those immigrants” - then they would with the half-witted, racist, toothless meth-heads who tune in to absorb the rants of vile white nationalists like Tucker.     Of course, in his defense - I think it’s entirely possible that pudgy, pampered little Tucker is simply just feeling his oats now that all those

Lab-Grown Meat Technology Drawing in Big Investors:   Tech startups are using animal stem cells to grow meat and meat processing conglomerates like Tyson and Cargill are investing heavily in the technology, even though big livestock producers are doing everything in their power to fight the technology.  Terrific, I’m all for it - assuming I can we pay for the meat with lab-grown money. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Domino's to Offer Gluten-Free Pizza Crust:   Domino's, the world's largest delivery pizza chain, has announced plans to sell the world’s first pizza made with a gluten-free crust.  Hell, forget gluten-free - with obesity rates running at 40% - maybe they ought to think about a pizza that’s “glutton-free.” https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Vancouver’s Ban on Doorknobs Declared a Success:  City officials in Vancouver say a city ordinance passed several years ago banning doorknobs and replacing them with levers - which they say are e

New Report Outlines Massive Russian Disinformation:   A new Senate report provides the most sweeping analysis yet of Russia’s disinformation campaign around the 2016 election - finding the operation used every major social media platform to deliver words, images and videos tailored to voters’ interests to help elect President Trump and other Republicans - and then worked even harder to support him while in office.  No kidding - hell, it’s getting to the point where - when you see an (R) next to a politician’s name, it now means “Russian.”  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Putin Says Rap Music Should be Directed and Controlled:   As more and more Russian youth embrace the genre, Russian President Vladimir Putin told Russian leaders that if rap music is impossible to stop, then cultural leaders must devise a way of “directing” the rap music, rather than banning it outright.  What fun - I can’t imagine anything more entertaining for Russian young people than listening to mus

Federal Judge in Texas Rules Entire Obamacare Law Unconstitutional:  In response to Republican challenges and recent changes in federal tax law, a federal judge in Texas ruled that the entire Affordable Care Act (Obamacare) law is unconstitutional - a ruling which could leave millions uninsured as well as those with pre-existing conditions uninsurable. Wow, sounds like that judge really learned how to interpret the law while he was at Trump University.  But not to worry, the President is promising the nation that Republicans will eventually try and come up with some kind of an alternate plan and - “Mexico is gonna pay for it!”  What a relief!   Now I’ve gotta hand it to Trump and the Republicans, what a genius move to cut off millions of people’s health care without having a replacement.  Under their expert guidance, it appears that barbarians, cannibals and self-serving swine will be about all that’s left in America after Trump and the GOP are finished with us.   But

Trump Names Mick Mulvaney Acting Chief of Staff:   President Trump has named budget director Mick Mulvaney as his acting White House chief of staff, capping off a week of frenzied speculation about who would take over from John Kelly in this key West Wing role.   Geez, what happened?  They must have had a staff meeting and someone yelled “hey - last one out the door is Chief of Staff!”  Got to admit though, I’m a bit surprised about Mick Mulvaney - I thought someone like Gary Busey, Sarah Palin or Roseanne Barr made a lot more sense for an administration with the type of internal structure Trump has set up.  Anyway, the White House is now claiming that Mulvaney was actually Trump’s first choice for the position.  Yea, his first choice - right after the 215 other people who turned down the job just before him.  And when asked if he had expected to be offered the job, Chris Christie told reporters “look, we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.”  And we all know Christie kn

Jenna Jameson Claims Keto Diet Gave Her Facelift:   After losing 80 pounds with the Keto diet, former adult film star and avid Trump supporter Jenna Jameson - is claiming that the popular diet not only helped her lose weight, but also turned back the clock and basically gave her a facelift.   Wow, that Keto diet must be amazing.  In addition to smoothing out her complexion, it also changed the shape of her nose, the thickness of her eyebrows, lowered her cheekbones and changed her eye color.  Now that’s one helluva diet!  And looking at her face, it kind of makes me wonder - is Botox part of the Keto diet?   Why, she looks almost good enough to be in one those porn movies.  Next thing you know, President Trump will be paying her a visit.  Now, in all fairness, I honestly don’t know a whole lot about the Keto diet or Ms. Jameson, but what I do know is that everybody looks better after you’ve had some “Jameson Whiskey.”  So come on everybody - "bottoms up!" - so

Trump Claims the People Would Revolt if He’s Impeached:  Donald Trump told reporters that he is “not at all concerned” about the threat of impeachment because “the people would revolt if that ever happened.”  While I fully agree that Trump supporters are revolting, I think in this instance he may be a bit confused and accidentally mixed up the words “revolt” and “rejoice.” https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Factory Leak Sends Tons of Chocolate Cascading Onto German Street:  A technical defect in a delivery tank at the artisan chocolate factory DreiMeiste in the west German town of Werl, caused a colossal amount of molten chocolate to cascade down the middle of a road before solidifying in a rock-hard mess.  Firefighters had hoped to have the mess all cleaned up before the weekend, but now it looks as though they won’t be finished until sundae.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com  Michael Cohen Describes Trump Organization as a Cult:  After being sentenced to t

Internet Abuzz Over Pence’s Catatonic Posture at Meeting:   Vice President Mike Pence set social media on fire after he was observed during the President’s contentious meeting with Democratic congressional leaders for being so still - that many began wondering if he was actually a cardboard cutout.  Come on, give the poor guy a break - perhaps he was just in a (Mike) pensive mood.  Now my take is that Pence was simply praying Pelosi doesn’t "Basic Instinct" him during the meeting - after all, “mother” wasn’t there and we all know he’s not supposed to be in a room with women unless “mother” is accompanying him. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Excessive Screen Time Changes Children’s Brain Structures:  According to a landmark US study, young people who spend more than seven hours a day staring at a screen have different brain structures compared to the average child.  And that’s why it’s so important to provide your child with a device that has the highest scre