You've Got to Be Kidding?

The Washington Post reports that a federal jury has ordered Rudy Giuliani to pay $148 million to two Georgia election workers who sued him for defamation, asserting that the former New York Mayor and attorney for Donald Trump exposed them to a life-altering torrent of abuse and trauma by promoting false claims that they stole the 2020 election from the former president in Georgia. Gee, $148 million?  Well, then - in keeping with the season, let us sing, “Joy to the world, the Ghoul is done!”   It seems that while truth is cheap, lies are getting to be quite expensive.   I mean, that’s a lot of cash for a guy who is already broke.   If only he knew some billionaire, who could possibly help bail him out.   Seems that by hooking himself up to the Trump Train, Rudy has gone from ”America’s Mayor” to “America's Payor.”   Why, these days, Rudy acts more like a stray dog looking for some scraps than a former mayor of New York. Hell, if times get really bad, maybe ...

Attorney General Barr Likens Mail-In Voting to Playing with Fire:   In a testy interview with CNN's Wolf Blitzer,   Attorney General William Barr echoed President Trump’s attacks on widespread use of mail-in ballots during the pandemic, calling them “playing with fire.” Wow, I really appreciate the heads-up Mr. Attorney General.  Luckily for America, President Trump, Attorney General Barr and Postmaster General Louis DeJoy have all put their heads together, and have come up with a solution to this horrifying mail-in threat to our democracy - destroy the Post Office. Of course, the Attorney General really does have a valid point here.  After all, just because widespread voter fraud hasn't happened yet, even though millions of mail-in ballots have been cast since the Civil War, doesn’t mean there’s absolutely no possibly it could ever could.   Now, if I were Attorney General Barr, I would tried to further bolster my argument with that pesky Wolf Blitz...

Trump Promotes Conspiracy About Plane Entirely Filled with Antifa Thugs:   As he continues to slide in the polls, President Trump has been frequently relying on outrageous conspiracy theories, in an effort to define rival Joe Biden as simply a “front” for lawless anarchists, with an agenda controlled “by people in dark shadows.” In fact, during a recent interview with Fox News host Laura Ingraham, President Trump claimed a friend of his was on a plane - entirely filled with thugs in dark uniforms.  It was obvious these folks were looters, anarchists, rioters, and people who were looking for trouble - and all of them were headed to Republican National Convention, with the sole intention to “wreak havoc.” Holy cow!  It sounds like Trump’s poor friend must have accidentally boarded an “Antifa Airlines” flight.  That said, I have heard that travel agents will tell you that Antifa Air does have some of the best connections of anyone - especially, for those looking fo...

Republicans Cast Trump as the Best Choice for Women:   Republicans used the GOP convention this week to appeal directly to female voters, with prominent Republican women like White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany - attempting to portray the President as an “advocate for women” as he faces an overwhelming gender gap in his uphill battle for reelection. Well…I’m not so sure about how much the President can be considered an “advocate for women,” but I do know he’s always been a huge supporter of hookers, porn stars and female escorts.  I suppose that oughta count for something.  Of course, the only way we’ll ever really know for sure, is to wait until Sean Hannity finally comments on the issue. Not surprisingly, McEnany, Mike Pence and other Republicans, say this election boils down to nothing less than a choice between the Democrat’s far-left socialist agenda, one hell-bent on destroying America - and Donald Trump, who’s been busy protecting and preserving the “ ...

Trump Portrayed as Lifesaving Coronavirus Hero at Republican Convention:   At the Republican National Convention, President Trump was hailed as a bold and lifesaving leader, who who stood up to the virus, while Democrats, doctors and pundits got it all wrong from the beginning, downplaying the severity of the virus.   Great point Republicans!  And, let us not forget that Donald Trump was also the courageous hero, who led us to victory in Vietnam.  I mean, if you listen to the Democrats long enough, you’ll walk away thinking that while Americans soldiers were dying on the battlefield, draft dodger Donald Trump - was busy cheating his way through college and getting setup in business by his rich daddy.   Besides, senior Republican officials have already declared the coronavirus loss of life figures as - “acceptable.”  That means it’s time to move on folks!  So, let us all join the Reverend Jerry Falwell Jr., Jim Bakker and other white evangelicals, ...

Secret Service Shoots Someone Outside White House:   President Trump was forced to suddenly exit his coronavirus briefing Monday evening, amid reports that the Secret Service had shot an armed gunman outside the White House grounds, who was then transported to the hospital. Gee, a gunman outside the White House?  I don’t get it - Trump is beloved by everyone.  Had to have been either Hunter Biden or Hillary Clinton.  So, I guess that means the President is back "inspecting" his bunker again.  Let’s hope Pence is keeping it well stocked. Of course, these days - if a female reporter asks a tough question or a stray cat runs across the White House lawn, Trump heads directly to his bunker.  Anyway, Trump is fine and returned to the podium in just 10 minutes.  All it took was a quick change of his soiled pants and he was back in action - ready to go. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Trump Claims Biden Is Against God and Will Hurt the Bible:   President Trump is claiming that presumptive Democratic Presidential nominee and practicing Catholic Joe Biden, is "against God" and will “hurt the Bible,” adding that Biden will also "take away your guns, take away your Second Amendment,” so there’ll be “no religion, no anything.” Now, when the President claims that Biden is gonna hurt God, it’s important to remind Trump supporters that Donald Trump isn’t really God.  He just wants to be. Like that interview the other day - when they asked him about the rising Covid-19 death toll, and all Trump could say was “well, it is what it is.”  Good point!  Kind of reminds me of that time Jesus walked into a leper colony and said “well, it is what it is.”  I’m tellin’ ya, the parallels here, are downright eerie. Folks, if you ask me, it all boils down to that age-old question, “why did the big chicken cross the road?”  Of course, those who keep u...

Twitter Bans Trump Account Over Coronavirus Misinformation:   Facebook and Twitter have taken the extraordinary step of banning President Trump’s campaign account, for spreading lies and misinformation about the coronavirus, because of a video that was posted where the President claims “children can’t get the coronavirus, and if they do, it isn’t that bad.” Well then, if that’s the case, I suppose it’s time to enroll young Barron Trump into one of those Covid-19 schools.  Especially since 100 Mississippi students just had to be quarantined after their classmates tested positive for COVID-19, shortly after the school had reopened. Meanwhile, angry conservatives are arguing that, if you start banning President Trump every time he lies about something in a social media post, you’re basically preventing him from posting - which is pure censorship. Personally, I don’t think it’s necessary to actually ban the President or his accounts.  All you have to do is simply atta...

Coronavirus Has Grocery Prices Rising at Fastest Pace in Decades:  The cost of groceries has been rising at the fastest pace in decades since the coronavirus pandemic seized the U.S. economy, leading to sticker shock for basic staples such as beef, milk and eggs - and forcing already struggling families, to wonder how they’ll ever manage to  afford to put food on the table. Wow, guess we must be living in one of those “shithole countries” like you hear Donald Trump talk about all the time.  Luckily, and just in the nick of time, Ivanka is initiating one of her new public service campaigns, centered around encouraging people who can’t afford to buy staples, to just "Eat Something New.”  Now, word has it, Goya beans are quite tasty. In addition, Trump staffers are also doing their darn best to help relieve the suffering, by suggesting folks consider planting “backyard gardens.”  Great idea!  Especially for folks living in apartments.  Wonder why t...

Trump Says He Will Ban TikTok from Operating in the US:   President Trump announced plans on Friday to use either emergency economic powers or an executive order, to ban the social media platform TikTok from operating here in the United States. So let’s see here, we have a killer pandemic spreading like crazy, our education system is in ruins, the US economy is collapsing around us, the postal service is nearly on it’s deathbed from lack of funding, and unemployment benefits are about to run out for over 30 million Americans.  But, never fear, our President has taken the helm and decided the solution is - banning a silly social media app called “TikTok." Now, that said, and in all fairness - Donald Trump is not alone in his dread of “TikTok.”  Why, even Captain Hook, of Peter Pan fame, shook in fear, just upon hearing anything that remotely sounded like “TikTok.”  And hell, while he’s at it, why not also consider banning tic tacs - just to be on the saf...

Trump Sycophantic Jim Jordan Attacks Fauci Over BLM Protests:   During Friday’s House coronavirus hearings, hard line Trump ally Rep. Jim Jordan (R-Ohio), came right after Anthony Fauci with a series of extremely combative questions, such as whether he thinks the government should limit protests to help slow the spread of the coronavirus. Jordon further confronted Fauci, claiming that support for “Black Lives Matter” protests is "encouraging riots.”  Well then, no wonder Rep. Jordon is mad as hell.  After all, "encouraging riots” is supposed to be Donald Trump’s job - and we all know how hard it is to find good jobs these days. Now, I know Jordon’s critics are gonna claim Donald Trump has been holding large, crammed rallies, where hardly anyone wears masks - but, if you watched Fox News, you’d know that "no one’s ever contracted the coronavirus by attending a Trump rally.”   Well, of course, there’s Herman Cain - but let’s get real.  If Republica...

Trump Demands Coronavirus Bill Include White House Renovation Money:   With so many Americans out of work and struggling to make ends meet, the White House has been stirring controversy by demanding that the next “Coronavirus Bill” include $377 million, so the Trump’s can renovate the White House. Seriously?  The Trumps are really asking for $377 million, so they can remodel the White House?  Geez, besides being a helluva lot of money - and knowing the Trump style, do we really want to see this national heritage transformed into looking like some cheap, Versailles-themed, French bordello?   Hey, I got an idea!  Why not just let the good folks over at Earl Scheib?  Hell, they’ll paint the whole place for just $99.95.  That’ll save approximately $376,999,900.05.  Why, that’s nearly enough to commission another Trump portrait to hang on the White House walls.   Besides, what’s the point?  I hear-tell come January, there’s a ...

Trump Retweets Doctor Who Warns Women About Sex with Demons:   President Trump is receiving a lot of slack for retweeting posts from Houston pediatrician and Fire Power Ministries’ spiritual leader Dr. Stella Immanuel, who believes that endometriosis and other potentially dangerous gynecological conditions, are the residue of sinners dreaming about having sexual intercourse with incubus demons. Gee, is it just me, or is it starting to seem like all those wackos from way back in the day, who used call into late-night radio talk shows, now have all their own shows - all of which are now being faithfully followed by the President of the United States? You know, it sure seems like many of those hard-core evangelicals have an uncontrollable obsession with demons and being possessed by the devil.  Why, they just can’t seem to get the devil off their minds.  In fact, so much so - that they even elected him President back in 2016. In fact, while it may sound a bit...

Many Red States Restoring Gun Rights for the Mentally Ill:  Despite the ever-rising number of gun deaths in the United States, new data indicate that many red states have been increasingly restoring the right to carry firearms to people who’ve previously lost that right, due to serious mental illness.   Meanwhile, the NRA is strongly defending the move as “absolutely necessary,” pointing out that the last thing we need to be doing during these stressful times is leaving our nation’s mentally ill, completely defenseless against a much better-equipped, extremely well-armed - imaginary enemy.   The NRA further argued that providing these vulnerable citizens with needed weaponry is especially critical during a pandemic, when folks such as paranoid schizophrenics may not be receiving their medications as frequently as they normally do, thereby increasing the perceived threat against them - by at least tenfold. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

President Trump Sends Out Well-Wishes to Ghislaine Maxwell:   President Trump offered well-wishes and sympathy for longtime Jeffrey Epstein companion Ghislaine Maxwell, whom he said he had met “numerous times over the years” and who is awaiting trial on charges she recruited underage girls for the financier Epstein and his clients to sexually abuse. Gee, is it just me who’s thinking only Donald Trump could politically get away with offering “well-wishes” to a child sex trafficker?  And, to think some folks believe Donald Trump has no capacity for compassion.  Why, it’s difficult to even imagine what a “big heart” someone would have to have in order to offer “well-wishes” to a known sex predator, who has just been arrested! Now, I understand there’s always gonna be those skeptics, who believe the President is actually trying to signal a potential pardon for Ms. Maxwell - assuming she’s willing to keep her mouth shut about everything she knows.  You know,...

Trump Returns to Do White House Coronavirus Briefings Solo:  Three months after he abandoned the daily virus briefings and attempted to turn the country’s attention to what he described as the “great American comeback,” President Trump took the lectern in the White House briefing room alone on Tuesday, free to say whatever he wanted without any distractions from the usual bunch “sciencey nerds” behind him. And, in a rare moment of candor, Trump reluctantly admitted that the spread of the coronavirus will likely get worse before it gets better, and that people should probably wear masks.  Well said Mr President!  The fact is, most of us are already rather optimistic things will begin to get better - sometime after November 3rd. Ironically, now that Trump is finally admitting the virus is spreading fast and that people should wear masks, you’d think most of those armed militia thugs, whom Trump egged on to to out and “liberate” those Democratic run states from t...

White House Moves Bush and Clinton Portraits to a Back Room:   The White House has reportedly moved the presidential portraits of Bill Clinton and George W Bush, from the building's entrance hall, where President Trump had to frequently pass by them, to a back room - which is primarily used for storing tablecloths and furniture. Hell, if President Trump really wanted to move them to somewhere where he’d never have to encounter them again, why not just hang them in the White House library?  But, in all fairness, I understand exactly where he’s coming from on this.  After all, he needed to make room for Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong-un’s portraits. Perhaps the next President could in turn reciprocate, by having Trump’s portrait moved into one of the White House’s public bathrooms.  Of course, Trump needn’t worry, for I’m sure his portrait will forever be prominently displayed throughout the Kremlin.  That said, it kind of makes me wonder as to just wh...

Trump Wants to Block New Money for Testing, Tracing and the CDC:   People involved in those talks, report that the Trump Administration is attempting to block billions of dollars for states to conduct testing, contact tracing and funding for the CDC - in the upcoming coronavirus relief bill. Beautiful!  Only Donald Trump could manage to propose a coronavirus “relief bill,” that offers "no relief.”  But, I do see his point.  As any good Republican will tell you, the only way to get rid of this virus, is by passing another “tax cut for the wealthy.   Frankly, at this point, I think we’d all be better off - if they just decided to use an Ouija Board to make federal policy decisions, but I suspect even the spirit world wouldn’t wanna be associated with any of the shenanigans this Administration’s concocting.   Anyway, after they implement all those budget cuts, I guess we can always take Trump’s earlier advice and try drinking bleach.  Now,...

Portland Mayor Says Feds Snatching Protestors Right Off the Streets:   Protesters say federal law enforcement officials from the U.S. Marshals Service and Department of Homeland Security, which Portland Mayor Ted Wheeler refers to as President Trump’s “personal army,” have stormed through Portland, snatching peaceful protestors right off the streets, then hauling them off in unmarked vans.  All this, as part of Donald Trump’s campaign promise to “protect the statues.” Gee, it’s almost enough to make you wonder whatever happened to all those “freedom-loving,” 2nd Amendment NRA trolls, who claim all their fancy assault weapons are needed to protect US citizens from our evil, tyrannical government?   Guess they must be off somewhere, mad as hell and pouting about having to wear a damn face mask, every time they go into their local 7-Eleven, to purchase cigarettes and a six-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer. Anyway, mark my words, if Trump can get away with this,...

Trump Claims Police Kill More White People than Blacks:  Earlier this week, President Trump shrugged off reporter’s questions about police killing black people, by claiming police kill more white people - and, while that’s technically correct, data indicate black people are actually 2.5 times more likely to die at the hands of police than whites. Gee, is it just me, or did Donald Trump just try and convince folks about how fair and reasonable the police are, by bragging about how they like to murder white folks also?   I mean, with an understanding of math and statistics like that, do we really need to ponder how anyone could possibly manage to even bankrupt a damn gambling casino? Why, this is a guy who, if you asked him about square roots, would ask his gardeners to dig up the White House rose garden - just to try and prove you wrong.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com