You've Got to Be Kidding?

Former Trump National Security Adviser Michael Flynn Endorses Military Coup:  In response to a question from the audience, disgraced former Trump National Security Adviser Michael Flynn was caught on video endorsing a military coup against the United States - similar to the deadly coup that took place in Myanmar, at a QAnon gathering in Texas. Now, you can call me old-fashioned if you like, but I still prefer that we appoint “National Security Advisors” who tend not to advocate the violent overthrow of our government by a military coup.  I’ve always been kind of funny that way.  Of course, Twitter suspended Michael Flynn’s account way back in January over his QAnon involvement.  This, still has Republicans mad as hell, insisting that virtually everything Michael Flynn has said or done, has been perfectly treasonable. Johnny Robish Comedy

Creationist Pastor Claims Evolution is Racist Because African-Americans Still Exist:   Controversial Christian creationist Pastor Matt Powell, insisted in a recent video that evolution is not only a lie, but also a “racist religion,” because it “promotes survival of the fittest.”   Powell claims that evolution says “we evolved from African-Americans,” and then wonders how can that be, when there are “other Americans” and how can we still have “African Americans” if “we” evolved from them?   Well, these are all excellent questions, assuming you’re suffering from a very severe head injury.  Now, first of all, its important to point out that no anthropologist has ever said that “we” evolved from “African-Americans.”  I hate to break it to Pastor Powell and his flock, but a simple Google search ought to quickly inform them that actually - “America” and “African-Americans” weren’t even really a “thing” several million years ago.  And, while evolution is an ongoing phenomenon, Powell’s c

Video Shows Matt Gaetz Threatening 2nd Amendment Retaliation Against Silicon Valley :   While speaking at a rally in Dalton, Ga, Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-Fla) complained that Silicon Valley is acting like the “internet’s hall monitors,” trying to “suppress us, discourage us.”   Gaetz then immediately added that “Well, you know what - Silicon Valley can’t cancel this movement, or this rally, or this congressman.”   He then sent the crowd to its feet in a roaring round of applause and a standing ovation - when he said “We have a 2nd Amendment in this country, and I think we have an obligation to use it!” Why, who knew Matt Gaetz disliked technology companies so much?  Gee, you’d think he’d at least be a little bit grateful for technologies like Venmo.   I mean, after all - didn’t they see to it that he could quickly and conveniently reimburse all the women (and/or high school girls) for those “services” they rendered for him?   That said, I get that Republicans are really, really mad a

Poll Finds 23% of Republicans Believe Satan-Worshipping Pedophiles are Running the Government:   A new poll conducted by the Public Religion Research Institute found that an alarming 23 percent of Republicans polled said they agree with the QAnon conspiracy theory’s core belief that “government, media, and financial worlds are controlled by a group of Satan-worshipping pedophiles who run a sex-trafficking operation.”   Now, wait a minute!  You’re telling me these folks actually believe the government is still being controlled by “satan worshipping pedophiles?”  Well sure, maybe before - but not since Trump lost the election.  I mean, everyone knows that Trump and Matt Gaetz had to move all that activity back down to Mar-a-Lago as soon as Trump had to vacate the White House.   Of course, the sad fact is, while most of us are astonished anyone could actually believe any of this nonsense, Trump supporters are apparently still treating QAnon theory as “prophecy.”  Let’s be honest here

Don Jr’s Angry Rant About the Press Asking Biden a Weightlifting Question:   In an angry video rant uploaded to social media, Donald Trump Jr. blasted a correspondent who asked White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki what Don Jr. concluded was a “softball” question about Biden's practice of lifting weights.   To that point, an outraged Don Jr. sarcastically noted that “we all know Biden can't walk up the stairs of Air Force One without falling over!”   He then went on to claim that no one in the press corps would ever ask his father such an easy question about workouts. Well there Junior, my guess is - the reason no one ever asked your father about weightlifting or his workouts, is because most people don’t consider tweeting, watching cable news, or eating buckets of Kentucky Fried Chicken - as a real workout.  After all, there is a difference between “heavy lifting” and “heavy farting.”   Of course, to be completely fair, any time Trump moves his body - he is lifting one hell

Texas Legislature Passes Bill Allowing Texans to Carry Handguns Without Permits:   The Republican-dominated Texas legislature has just approved a bill that would allow people in Texas to carry handguns in the state without a license, a background check, or even a gun safety course.   The legislation is now on its way to Gov. Greg Abbott (R), who says he looks forward to signing it into law. I’ll tell ya what, those Texas Republicans sure know how to “get all their sitting ducks in order.”  Why, this just sounds like a terrific idea.  I mean, who gives a “hoot” about things like affordable healthcare, a reliable electrical grid, clean water, safe sewage disposal, and well-funded schools - when armed Texans are now gonna be free to go ahead and shoot a store clerk or barista - simply for asking them to wear a face mask while shopping in their store?  Now, that my friend, is what Republicans call liberty! In fact, these new “anyone can carry laws” should work especially well in place

Self-Described Prophet and Pastor Warns Critics They Risk Leprosy:   After numerous prophecies of his failed to materialize, resulting in various accusations of lies and fraud, self-described “prophet” and right-wing pastor Hank Kunneman of “One Voice Ministries” warned fellow Christians that they "better be very careful" about criticizing "prophets" like him, because "It's a dangerous place, and some of you might get leprosy.” Wow, leprosy?  That’s one helluva threat!  Now, while I wasn’t there, my guess is that it all came down something like this - some critic calls out God’s “prophet” Kunneman for his bogus claims, then further challenges him by declaring “You want a piece of me, then come and get it!”  Then God gave that critic leprosy - and that “piece of him” just fell right off. Now, on a personal note, I’ve also been a vocal critic of Kunneman’s ministry for a long time now, and I can happily report that I haven’t come down with “leprosy.”  Alth

Marjorie Taylor Greene Compares COVID Restrictions to the Holocaust:   During a recent appearance on the ultra-conservative Real America’s Voice network’s “The Water Cooler with David Brody” program, Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-Ga.) called House Speaker Nancy Pelosi “mentally ill” for her recent decision to keep the mask mandate on the House floor, and then compared continued coronavirus restrictions in the U.S. Capitol to what “Jewish people suffered during the Holocaust.” Wow!  So, if I understand her logic correctly, those nearly 600,000 Americans who’ve lost their lives so far - all died because they were forced to wear face masks?  And, while I’m sure it all makes perfect sense to the voters in her "Deliverance District” down in Georgia, I rather doubt anyone else knows what the hell she’s talking about - including her.  Not to be critical, but if they ever decide to do another remake of The Planet of the Apes, they’ve definitely got their lead.  That said, the tru

Arizona GOP Chair Kelli Ward Threatens Her Party's Officials With Arrest:   Appearing on the ultra-right One America News Network (OAN), Arizona GOP Chairwoman Kelli Ward this week threatened her own party’s officials with arrest if they refused to comply with the Trump-backed audit of the 2020 Arizona election.  Meanwhile, GOP officials critical of Ward and other Trump sycophants - claim the audit and associated conspiracy theories, such as looking for “Chinese bamboo fibers in ballots” and rumors of “Maricopa County election officials shredding Trump ballots, feeding them to chickens, and then incinerating the chickens,” make the party look absolutely ridiculous.   In response, Trump loyalists claimed they were able to find a few survivors of this chicken massacre, and these brave chickens not only confirmed the election fraud, but also reported that “the ballots tasted quite a lot like rattlesnake.”  In addition, a few of the brave chickens who managed to survive, also told

Florida Republicans Pave the Way for Trump to Obtain Casino License:  After a controversial deal was negotiated by close Trump ally Gov. Ron DeSantis (R-Fla.), Florida legislators have approved a legislative package that will dramatically expand gambling in the state as well as set the stage for former President Donald Trump to pursue a casino license for his ailing Doral Golf Resort .   The deal and legislation also include language that bars the Seminole Tribe from ever opposing a casino at the former President’s Doral resort. Perfect idea, given that the Trump family has such a flawless record managing casinos.  Leave it to Florida to bend all the rules, just to allow the Trumps to bankrupt another gambling hall.  Seems that in DeSantis’ Florida, all you have to do is “grease some palms” and you’ll get whatever you want.  And, as we all know, Florida is well known for its “palms.”  Hell, and while you're at it, why not really show your appreciation, and throw in a big bunch of

US Admits UFO Sightings Have Been an Ordinary Event for Years:   In a stunning new 60 Minutes report from CBS, former military and government officials say that the acceleration of UFO sightings, especially by our military personnel, are driving UFO investigations out of the closet and into the mainstream.   This includes Sen. Marco Rubio (R-Fla.), who tells 60 Minutes that “Anything that enters our airspace that’s not supposed to be there, is a threat.” Well, that may or may not be true Marco, but in my mind - you and your Republican pals are a much greater threat to civilization than any UFO could ever be.  Of course, the Republican response to anything like this is basically always the same “if we can't eat it, commercialize it, or have sex with it - then we need to kill it.”  Luckily for our Republican friends, we now have those Jewish space lasers to help ward them off.  I mean, just to hear the way Republicans describe it, these UFOs are nothing more than a bunch of extr

New Research Finds Traffic Noise Affecting Bird's Singing Abilities:   A new study conducted by Germany's Max Planck Institute for Ornithology , found that the constant traffic noise of modern-day life is interfering with how young birds learn to sing.  Researchers say that the noisy settings in which birds now learn songs, frequently result in birds making “mistakes” while learning these songs, and that these “mistakes” often accumulate when the songs are passed on to the next generation of birds. Entertainment lawyers say these so-called bird “mistakes” frequently result in “altered songs,” which can raise numerous copyright issues.  So far, any attempts to prosecute the birds over these “altered songs” have failed, in part because the bird’s attorneys were able to successfully argue that the “noise issue” was really behind any “alteration” of these songs - and not any attempt at copyright infringement.   Legal analysts believe this study will only further serve to bolster th

Conservative Calls for Gun Subsidies to Protect Citizens From BLM:   Appearing on the ultra-conservative One America News Network (OAN), right-wing activist Rogan O’Handley - also known as “DC Draino” - praised gun ownership and bragged that “there are now more guns than people in this country,” adding “God bless the 2nd Amendment!”   O’Handley then insisted we should have subsidies in this country for citizens to buy more guns to protect themselves from the "looting, violence and murder” of Black Lives Matter (BLM) and Antifa.     OK, so let me get this straight.  Government-subsidized guns which foster more political hate and violence are perfectly fine, but government-subsidized healthcare to protect American families from financial disaster should a healthcare emergency occur is purely evil - because that’s socialism?  Have to say, that makes perfect sense - assuming you’re a completely insane psychopath.   Now, as far as “protecting citizens against BLM and Antifa - if m

New Study Finds Mammals Can Actually Breathe Through Their Anuses:   Researchers at Tokyo Medical and Dental University, have shown that it is possible for mammals to absorb oxygen through their anus.   After being intrigued by how certain sea creatures are able to breathe through their intestines in emergencies, Japanese scientists decided to run experiments that eventually proved this phenomenon was also true for mice, rats, and pigs. Frankly, I’m not one bit surprised.  After all, we all know people who “talk right out their ass,” so why not breathe out of it also?  Hell, this may even account for why Republicans always seem to shout "Butt, Benghazi,” every time one of their political shenanigans gets their asses backed up against the wall.  It may also help to explain Donald Trump's breath. Now, I realize many of you may think studies like these are just a big joke, but scientists claim this research involves some really “serious sh*t.”  In fact, they say in order to

Fox News Blames Chick-fil-A Sauce Shortage On Joe Biden:   The Fox News website has just published an investigative article, placing the blame for an anticipated Chick-fil-A sauce shortage - squarely on the shoulders of “Joe Biden’s America.”   This, after Chick-fil-A announced that some of their restaurants may face a sauce shortage, due to the recent “Colonial Pipeline cyber attack.” Wow, who could have imagined that Colonial Pipeline was also delivering Chick-fil-A sauce?  Kind of scary to think that something of such strategic importance as Chick-fil-A sauce, could be affected by a bunch of hackers.  Oh, the humanity!  Hell, everyone knows when Trump was in charge - America had a tartar sauce surplus! That said, I think I have a pretty damn good idea how this all comes down.  See, Barack pulls right up to Chick-fil-A in this brand new George Soros “Antifamobile” and pops open the trunk - then Joe quickly runs out to the car and dumps his stash of Chick-fil-A sauce right into

Federal Judge Denies NRA Scheme to Declare Bankruptcy:   A federal judge has denied an effort by the National Rifle Association (NRA) to file for bankruptcy protection, ruling that the gun-rights group had filed the case in a bad-faith attempt to try and fend off a lawsuit by the New York attorney general.   The hearing painted the “non-profit” as an organization that prioritized extravagant perks and insider payments to chief executive Wayne LaPierre and other executives - such as mansions, yachts, private jets, and expensive suits - at the expense of its rank-and-file members.”   Wow, one almost gets the impression that the NRA and Republicans don’t really promote the 2nd Amendment as a way to protect our democracy, but use it instead as a way to threaten our democratic system of government and any politics with which they happen to disagree.  Gee, who could have known - other than anyone who still has a reasonable amount of integrity or sanity left in them?  In response, Repub

Trump Calls Kentucky Derby Winning Horse Medina Spirit a Junkie:  After it was announced that Kentucky Derby winner Medina Spirit failed a drug test after the race, former President Donald Trump took to his new blog and immediately fired off a statement labeling the horse a “junky.”   Mr. Trump then claimed that incidents like this are emblematic of the decline happening to our country and the primary reason behind his 2020 election loss. Wow, sounds like Mr. Trump must have bet on the wrong horse and lost himself a little chunk of change.  Now, is it just me, or does Trump seem to be “looking for junkies in all the wrong places?”  I mean, only a guy like Donald Trump could completely ignore the horse’s “white trainer,” and then try and blame everything on a “black horse.”  Now, we all know Medina Spirit is one helluva fast runner, but apparently - his real talent is his ability to shoot up drugs, using only his hooves. But, all of that aside - NO, Mr. Trump!  This incident is not

Twenty Condors Completely Trash Woman’s Deck in Tehachapi:   While there are estimated to be approximately only 160 condors left in the wild in California, a Tehachapi Mountain resident came home last Monday to find that a full 20 or so of them (all adolescents) decided to turn her condo’s wooden deck into their new hang-out, which is now completely trashed and covered in white excrement as thick as concrete. So, these rascal birds have turned this poor woman’s condo balcony into a condor “poop deck?”  What the flock?  These condors aren’t in the Navy.  On the other hand, if really she doesn’t want the birds to continue making a big mess when they poop, why not just leave some toilet paper out for them?  Now, I’m certainly no ornithologist, but I do know that when it comes to condor gatherings - sh*t happens.  Especially, when you live in a “seedy” neighborhood.  Wonder what the “condor fees” are for her unit anyway?    Neighbors say she initially tried to scare them off by shaking

Arizona Republicans Spinning Tale of 40,000 Fake Bamboo Ballots From Asia:   Arizona Republican “auditors” participating in a recount of the 2020 election in a last-ditch attempt to prove Donald Trump really won the election, report they’re now investigating “accusations” that 40,000 fake ballots were flown into Arizona from the southeast part of the world (Asia), and that those ballots were then stuffed into the ballot box.   Chief auditor John Brakey told reporters that in order to prove their origin, they’ve been photographing these ballots up close with their 5K cellphone cameras, to try and detect if there is any telltale bamboo in the ballot paper - which they claim would be a “dead giveaway.” Good grief, bamboo ballots being flown in directly from Asia - to cast votes for Joe Biden?  Sounds like these Republicans have themselves a real “b amboozler ” of a mystery to solve here.  And, to make matters worse, “some people” are even suggesting these fraudulent ballots were marked u

Fox News Announces the New Trump Communications Platform:   As promised, former President Donald J. Trump has launched what the folks at Fox News are calling “a new communications platform," although critics say it is little more than a blog.   The website is really designed as a money-making/fundraising enterprise with a full propaganda and donations page.   The site itself only permits one-way communication - and only Trump is able to post anything, such as words, images, or videos.   Meanwhile, supporters are limited to reposting Trump’s rants to either their Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram accounts - if they so choose. Gee, so Trump’s starting up his own blog is he?  Why, how revolutionary!  This should really appeal to all his followers who are still using a Commodore 64, AOL, or the Netscape browser - or frankly, anyone who simply wants to return to those days of yesteryear, when cellphones were larger than a brick.   And, to think it only took Trump’s crack, high-tech