Scientists Say Plants Can Actually Talk

Scientists Say Plants Can Actually Talk: Botanists say plants can really talk and have the recordings to prove it. In fact, visitors to the Brooklyn Botanic Garden can actually listen to recordings of the songs corn plants sing. Yea, well then, anyone who comes over to my place, better make up their minds pretty damn fast - who the hell are you gonna believe, me or some ly’n philodendron? Frankly, I’m getting sick and tired of houseplants making up wicked lies and spreading them all over the living room.

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Scientists Explain How They Are Able to Date Fossils: While ancient fossils don’t come with a day/date stamp on them, geologists say they are buried along with plenty of clues which allow scientists to reconstruct their age and history - a process which explains how scientists are able to “date” the fossils. Wow, now that’s all news to me. I assumed they dated the fossils by just hauling them back to the lab, working up the nerve - and then asking them out.

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Study Finds Oreos Just as Addictive as Cocaine: A study designed to determine the impact of high-fat and high-sugar foods in low-income neighborhoods, researchers say they found direct evidence that proves Oreo cookies are every bit as addictive as cocaine. OK, I’ll be the first to admit I eat a lot of Oreos, but mine are prescription Oreos - prescribed by my doctor, not some damn street Oreos.

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GOP Lawmaker Says Trump’s Conduct Crosses Impeachment Threshold

GOP Lawmaker Says Trump’s Conduct Crosses Impeachment Threshold: Rep. Justin Amash (R-Mich.), has become the first Republican congressman to publicly state that, based on the Mueller Report - the President “engaged in impeachable conduct.” Rep. Amash further added that Attorney General Barr “deliberately misrepresented” the Mueller Report’s findings to congress and to the American public. Oh boy! One can only imagine the 3 AM tweet storm that’s gonna emanate from Trump’s porcelain throne over this level of betrayal. I’ll tell you another thing, disloyalty of this magnitude to the Cult of Trump isn’t likely to set well in America’s trailer parks either. But then again, what else is new? After all, Republicans have never viewed reality as being in their best interests. Now, I have no idea how all this is gonna finally go down, but I do know one thing - Justin Amash is definitely not gonna get an invite to Donald Trump's next wedding....

Self-Described Prophet and Pastor Warns Critics They Risk Leprosy

Self-Described Prophet and Pastor Warns Critics They Risk Leprosy: After numerous prophecies of his failed to materialize, resulting in various accusations of lies and fraud, self-described “prophet” and right-wing pastor Hank Kunneman of “One Voice Ministries” warned fellow Christians that they "better be very careful" about criticizing "prophets" like him, because "It's a dangerous place, and some of you might get leprosy.” Wow, leprosy? That’s one helluva threat! Now, while I wasn’t there, my guess is that it all came down something like this - some critic calls out God’s “prophet” Kunneman for his bogus claims, then further challenges him by declaring “You want a piece of me, then come and get it!” Then God gave that critic leprosy - and that “piece of him” just fell right off. Now, on a personal note, I’ve also been a vocal critic of Kunneman’s ministry for a long time now, and I can happily report that I haven’t come down with “leprosy.” Alth...

Nigerian President Denies Dying and Being Replaced by a Clone

Nigerian President Denies Dying and Being Replaced by a Clone: Speaking at a recent conference, Nigeria’s President Muhammadu Buhari denied claims that he had died and been replaced by a Sudanese impostor or a clone, breaking his silence on a rumor that has been circulating on social media for months. Wait a minute, I think I saw that movie - “ Weekend at Muhammadu’s. ” And, if I remember correctly - wasn’t it was a Sudanese actor who played the lead? Who do they think they’re kidding anyway? After all, I wasn’t born yesterday! Now, of course, I’m sitting out here in California - so I have no sure-fire way to confirm or deny all these rumors, but I do know one thing - if you can’t believe Nigerian e-mails and social media posts, what the hell can you believe? https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

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