Trump Plan Gives Teachers Bonuses for Carrying Guns in Class

Trump Plan Gives Teachers Bonuses for Carrying Guns in Class: President Donald Trump is reportedly proposing a plan that would award teachers with bonuses if they carry guns with them in class, which the President feels would be much cheaper than hiring armed security guards. Hell, if its about saving money, why not just ship all our kids over to Afghanistan for school? Teachers there are already armed - problem solved!

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Study Finds Neanderthals Not Humans Were Earth First Artists: Researchers say Neanderthals were painting on cave walls in Spain 65,000 years ago - tens of thousands of years before modern humans even arrived. Yea, well if you ask me, that was the least of their accomplishments. What I wanna know is, how in the hell were they able to convince saber-toothed tigers to sit still long enough to get their portraits painted on cave walls?

http://www.johnnyrobish.com

Home Where Jeffrey Dahmer Committed First Murder for Sale: The childhood home where cannibalistic serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer committed his first murder is up for sale near Cleveland, Ohio. While I’m no real estate expert, my guess is that someone will buy it and immediately turn it into either a rib joint or a body shop. Now I have no idea what they're asking, but you can bet they'd want an arm or a leg for a property like that.

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Self-Described Prophet and Pastor Warns Critics They Risk Leprosy

Self-Described Prophet and Pastor Warns Critics They Risk Leprosy: After numerous prophecies of his failed to materialize, resulting in various accusations of lies and fraud, self-described “prophet” and right-wing pastor Hank Kunneman of “One Voice Ministries” warned fellow Christians that they "better be very careful" about criticizing "prophets" like him, because "It's a dangerous place, and some of you might get leprosy.” Wow, leprosy? That’s one helluva threat! Now, while I wasn’t there, my guess is that it all came down something like this - some critic calls out God’s “prophet” Kunneman for his bogus claims, then further challenges him by declaring “You want a piece of me, then come and get it!” Then God gave that critic leprosy - and that “piece of him” just fell right off. Now, on a personal note, I’ve also been a vocal critic of Kunneman’s ministry for a long time now, and I can happily report that I haven’t come down with “leprosy.” Alth...

Trump Tells Hannity He Can Declassify Secret Documents With Just His Mind

During a recent interview on Fox News with Sean Hannity, former president Donald Trump tried to defend stashing extremely sensitive classified documents at his Mar-a-Lago resort by saying he was the president, and the president can declassify, simply by “saying its declassified.” Trump further added that “there doesn't have to be a process - there can be a process, but there doesn't have to be.” Trump then told Hannity that if you're the president of the United States, you can actually declassify something “by just ‘ thinking’ about it.” Oh, my word! You mean to tell me Trump actually thinks he can declassify the government's most guarded secrets, simply by “thinking about them?” Now, not to be critical, but it sure sounds like someone has been spending way too much of their spare time binge-watching old episodes of “I Dream of Jeannie.” I mean, about the only thing he left out was that he also sprinkled the documents with “pixie dust!” This...

Mike Huckabee Claims COVID-19 Death Risk Small and Sin Risk Lethal

Mike Huckabee Claims COVID-19 Death Risk Small and Sin Risk Lethal: Former Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee has stirred some controversy with medical professionals by claiming that the risk of death from coronavirus is very “minimal,” but “sin is 100% lethal. Oh, really Mike? Then how about showing me a death certificate which lists “sin” as the primary cause of death. Of course, the fact is, sin couldn’t be 100% lethal, or a guy like me wouldn’t even be alive to write this. On the other hand, maybe you’re on to something Mike - and sin really is lethal, and I secretly used a “ghostwriter” to write this joke. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

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