According to a new study published in the journal PLOS Genetics, a team of scientists has just thawed out and revived a prehistoric roundworm that has been frozen in the Siberian permafrost for the past 46,000 years. These parasitic microorganisms seem to have remained alive by entering a state called cryptobiosis, in which they reduce their metabolism to extremely low levels to withstand extreme conditions. Essentially, the worms were frozen in time.
Frozen in time? Hell, that sounds a helluva lot like today's Republican Party. Of course, reviving these roundworms is a big deal - and not just for science! Why we could be talking about the next big star of some Pixar film. Either that or this whole escapade is like the opening scene of a 1950s horror film that didn’t end well. You be the judge. That said, we shouldn’t downplay the scientific significance. After all, theoretically, there’s a slight possibility this worm could actually be older than Keith Richards. Hell, rumor has it that Donald Trump even tried to recruit it for his legal team.
To be honest, its hard to believe this worm’s basically been sleeping for 46,000 years. Now, I’ve taken some long naps in my day, but I’ll be the first to admit that 46,000 years is WAY outta my league. And just what could have possibly been soooo important that these scientists just had to wake up the poor thing after 46,000 years? I’m sure the roundworm was like, “For heaven’s sake - can’t a roundworm get a little sleep around here? Is there anywhere I can get a decent cup of coffee? I gotta wake up.”
Now, the irony is, this roundworm had a "Use By 1225 AD” expiration date, yet poor Ted Williams’ head is still sitting in some cryonic chamber somewhere. Frankly, I have to admit I have a few ethical concerns about reviving these prehistoric worms myself. I mean, how are we supposed to explain phenomena like space flight, the internet, automobiles, computers, cell phones, or Marjorie Taylor Greene to these roundworms? They could go into shock. Meanwhile, and in response, Gov. Ron DeSantis and Florida’s Republican-dominated state legislature quickly issued a proclamation stating that “No ‘woke’ roundworms will ever be welcome in Florida!”
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