You've Got to Be Kidding?

Study Determines Earth Will Have 25-Hour Days in 200M Years:  A new study published in Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences found that in about another 200 million years, a day on our planet Earth will be 25 hours long - all because our moon is slowly inching further away from the Earth. Hell, it doesn’t matter, even with that extra hour, I still won't get anything done.  I don’t know about you, but I’m heading down to the patent office to take out that patent on the “25-Hour Clock.”  One thing’s for sure, its gonna take some time to get used to saying “meet me at 13 o’clock."  And wonder if we’ll still have to set our damn clocks back every fall? And get ready for the 45-hour work-week - gee, thanks Moon.  Sounds like a trick to beat us out of overtime.  Hopefully, in another 200 million years - I’ll finally have enough money saved to be able to retire.  That said, I’m guessing this won’t mean Congress will be working any extra...

Starbucks Chairman Howard Schultz Steps Down Amid Presidential Speculation:   Starbucks announced that Howard Schultz will step down as executive chairman later this month, fueling speculation he’ll run for President against Donald Trump.  Wow - guess that means its time for America to “wake up and smell the coffee." http://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Trump Disinvites Philadelphia Eagles to White House:   President Trump has disinvited the Super Bowl champion Philadelphia Eagles from a planned visit to the White House over the issue of standing during the national anthem issue.  Gee, Trump’s canceling an invitation to an event that almost no one was going to attend anyway.  Perhaps he could invite one of the Russian teams over instead. http://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Snakebite Victim Charged $89,000 for Short Hospital Stay:  A victim who was treated at a North Carolina hospital for a snakebite was charged $89,000 for the 18-hour ...

US May Have to Pay for Kim Jong-un’s Luxury Suit in Singapore:  The Trump Administration is reportedly struggling to find a way to pay for the $6000-a-night luxury presidential suite Kim Jong-un is demanding during his stay in Singapore, but apparently cannot afford to pay for.  I went online and found a nice youth hostel that’s reasonably priced.  Kim might wanna give that a shot.  Otherwise, maybe Groupon’s running a special dictator discount. http://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com  New iPhone Software Has Features to Stop People Using Phone Too Much:   After having been criticized by various groups including stockholders for making its phones too addictive, new iPhone software is expected to include new features to stop people using their phone too much.  Hell, there’s a simple solution to that problem, just make a really crappy phone. http://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com New Study Finds Coffee Prevents Dementia:  According to s...

Milky Way Galaxy Much Bigger Than Previously Imagined:   Scientists say New research suggests, our Milky Way galaxy is actually much bigger than anyone ever imagined, spanning a distance of 200,000 light-years.  That's good to know.  Now I can adjust my travel plans. http://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com New US Houses Often Have More Toilets Than People:  A new study revealed that a growing number of new American homes actually have more toilets than they have people living in them.  This was especially true in towns like Flushing, New York - a place where going to the bathroom is a way of life. http://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Scientists Discover a Lost World in Remote Australia:  An expedition to a remote part of northern Australia has uncovered three new vertebrate species isolated for millions of years, with scientists referring to the area as a "lost world.”  Researchers say among the most important finds was an extremely r...

Saturday Night Live Faulted for Lack of Cast Diversity:  Even with the addition of several new black cast members these past few years, Saturday Night Live is still receiving criticism from bloggers and civil rights groups for its lack of diversity.  No kidding, if the show gets any whiter, they’ll have to call it “Saturday White Live.”  One solution to the lack of diversity came from noted civil rights advocate Roseanne Barr, who suggested having white cast members work in blackface. http://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com    Origins of the Static on Your Television Set:   Scientists say that about 1% of the static on your TV is caused by the cosmic microwave background left over from the big bang.  Sadly, most of the remaining 99% appears to be coming from the Kardashians! http://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Women Say Men Holding Guitars Make Them Look Sexy:   A new study found that holding a guitar makes a man sexy to women, ...

Roseanne Barr Blames Ambien for Racist Twitter Rant:   Roseanne Barr is attempting to explain away her now infamous racist twitter rant about Valerie Jarrett - by blaming it all on the insomnia drug Ambien.  If I were her, rather than blame Ambien, I would have blamed it on Preparation H - because that’s where the best ideas from people like her usually come from.  http://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Kim Kardashian Goes to Washington to Discuss Prison Reform:   Reality star Kim Kardashian has met with President Trump and other Trump administration officials to discuss prison reform.  Attorney General Jeff Sessions expressed hope that he’ll also be able to meet with Kardashian, just to see if she has any other good ideas about how to improve our criminal justice system. http://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Man Named Fudge Accused of Stealing Desserts:  A 25-year-old Iowa City man named Conor P. Fudge is accused of stealing $501 in cash,...

Televangelist Asks Followers for New $54m Private Jet:  In a video posted to his ministry’s website, a Louisiana televangelist is asking followers to donate their money so he can purchase a brand new $54 million Falcon 7X jet which will allow him to fly anywhere in the world nonstop, which he claims the Lord wants him to do.  Yea, well I’m not so sure about that - because I just asked the Lord if he’d approve of this purchase and he told me "no way!”  My suggestion is - in lieu of money, perhaps we could send him our thoughts and prayers. http://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Study Finds Great Sex Can Cause Temporary Amnesia:  According to new research, strenuous activity such as having great sex can trigger temporary amnesia.  Well that’s kind of a shame, because its the bad sex you really wanna forget. http://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com New Study Concludes Tasers Can Be Lethal:  For the first time, amid continuing controversy and la...