You've Got to Be Kidding?

Bananas Facing Extinction Risk from Tropical Disease:   Scientists are racing to save the banana from a tropical fungus known as the “Panama Disease,” that is threatening banana crops throughout the world.   Now I’m no biologist, but I never would have dreamed that it would be a fungus that would wipe out the world’s banana crops.  I would have assumed it would be something more obvious - like “yellow fever.”  Meanwhile, religious leaders are asking people to say a prayer for the bananas this sundae.     And forget all the nutritional concerns, think about what’s gonna happen to the world’s banana republics - if they can no longer get their hands on any bananas?  Let’s get real folks, what puppet dictator is gonna want to turn his country into a mango and pineapple republic?  I mean - why bother?  It wouldn’t have any appeal. http://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Scientists Have Discovered the World's Oldest Color:   Scientists claim to have found what they believe is the oldest color pigment ever discovered, found in 1.1 billion year-old rocks, deep beneath the Sahara desert and - described as a bright pink.  Wait a minute - if this was the very first color, does that mean prior to that, everything was in black and white? http://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Canadian Man Found Dead with Face Half Eaten By His Dog:  A 62-year-old Canadian man has been found naked and half-eaten by his own beloved dog on his bedroom floor of his Thailand home - with his face chewed down to the skull.  My guess is the poor pooch probably began by licking the man’s face trying to wake him up and then, after a few days passed thought - “hey, this really ain’t that bad!”  One thing’s for sure, if anyone’s thinking about adopting this dog, it might be a good idea to make sure there’s plenty of extra dog food laying around all over th...

Scientists Have New Method to Determine Our Galaxy's Mass:  Astronomers say due to new technological advances, they now are finally able to determine how much the Milky Way actually weighs - and they say its mass is nearly 960 billion times that of our sun.   Now come on - aren’t we becoming a wee bit too obsessed with weight when we find ourselves trying to weigh the entire frigg’n galaxy?  I mean, what the hell’s the point of fat-shamming the Milky Way?  Its not like you can put it on a diet or tell it to get more exercise. OK, I realize that the Milky Way is set to devour the whole Andromeda galaxy in another 4 billion years, but come on - who among us doesn’t get a little hungry now and then?  Just think how hungry you’d be if you had to wait nearly 4 billion years for your next meal.   If you ask me - its not the galaxies, but the damn black holes who are the real gluttons.  I mean, they’re constantly gobbling up anything and every...

Trump Spends His July 4th Tweeting About Hillary’s Emails:   President Trump spent his July 4th holiday at his golf resort in Bendminster, NJ, firing off tweetstorms about “Crooked Hillary’s” e-mails, ranting about some obscure “Pakistani Fraudster” conspiracy theory and labeling the Mueller probe a “Rigged Witch Hunt.”   Yea - well, the question is, which witch hunt is he talking about anyway?  Its getting hard to keep track of them all without the benefit of a scorecard.  I mean, so far - five of the witches have already plead guilty, one witch has been sentenced and a bunch more witches are reportedly cooperating with investigators.   Its like Trump Tower has turned into a huge gingerbread house and Robert Mueller is taking great big bites.  And while we’re on the subject of fairy tales, whatever happened to Pizzagate and the Bowling Green Massacre?  Why hasn’t Mueller looked into them?  Good grief, shouldn’t he be doing something m...

Study Explores Whether Eating Alone is Bad for You:  While many people enjoy eating alone, recent headlines have linked it to everything from depression to heart disease, but a recent study by Oxford Economics suggested that eating alone has a stronger link to being unhappy than any other factor.  Now whenever I don’t feel like eating alone, one of my favorite things to do is grab my food and eat it in the park.  There always seems to be plenty of eager flies around who are more than willing to keep you company. http://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com TN School Board Candidate Blames Teaching Evolution for School Shootings:   Republican Tennessee School Board Candidate Mike Cochran thinks he has a pretty good idea what is to blame for the school shootings that have been plaguing our nation - the teaching of evolution in our schools.  He makes a good point, obviously no violent acts were ever committed until Charles Darwin published the Origin of the Speci...

Will Smith Says All the Sex He’s Had Didn't Make Him Happy:   In a recent interview, superstar Will Smith says he's had all the sex he’s ever wanted, but it still never made him happy.  Dude - maybe its time to switch hands. http://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com EPA Chief Scott Pruitt Resigns Amid Scandals:  Citing “unrelenting personal attacks,” Environmental Protection Agency Administrator Scott Pruitt has finally resigned after months of ethics controversies and investigations over his running of the agency.  Like Truman, Pruitt’s motto was “the buck stops here!” Only difference is, Pruitt was apparently referring to his wallet.  http://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Trump Compares Border Policy to Keeping People Off Your Front Lawn:   President Trump tweeted that Congress must pass immigration laws that would allow U.S. authorities to summarily kick out would-be immigrants just like keeping people off your front lawn.  Get off yo...

Supervolcano Found Brewing Under Three New England States:   Geologists say they were surprised to find that a new supervolcano is brewing under Massachusetts, Vermont and New Hampshire and that the huge mass of molten rock is slowly creeping upwards beneath the nation’s northeastern states.  Trump officials say they’re not at all surprised, given all three of these are all blue states and blue states have always resisted passing tough volcano legislation.  http://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com LaCroix CEO Sued For Groping 2 Male Pilots:   Nick Caporella, the billionaire CEO of the company that owns LaCroix sparkling water, has been sued by two male pilots for unwanted touching on dozens of occasions.  In response to the suit, a LaCroix spokesperson defended Caporella, pointing out that - if pilots don’t wish to be groped, why the hell take a job in a “cockpit?”  Its almost like asking for trouble.  http://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com...