You've Got to Be Kidding?

Trump Cancels Out of US WW I Cemetery Ceremony Due to Rain:   President Trump caused embarrassment and even outrage after he canceled an appearance to honor the brave sacrifices US troops made in France during World War One - because it was raining. What the hell, did the President’s favorite umbrella get bone spurs or something?  You’d think the Trump people would keep a few extra umbrellas on hand, bigly enough to protect the President’s beautiful crop of golden hair.  Besides, Trump sent Gen John Kelly in his place.  Now Gen Kelly’s already bald, so who cares if a bunch of rain falls on his head?  On the other hand, rain never seems to deter Trump from visiting to the golf course, but I digress. Oh, and did I mention that President Trump just said he’d never forgive President Obama for cutting the military budget?  I mean, just think what a hardship that probably caused to the profits and stock dividends of Mr Trump’s multinational defense c...

Insecticide Makes Bees Lazy And Causes Die-Offs:  Researchers have known for a long time that popular insecticides such neonicotinoids could hurt bees, but now they’re learning how - as new data shows the insecticide frequently makes bees too lazy to do the necessary duties they need to do for survival.  Meanwhile, Trump’s acting EPA chief Andrew Wheeler is disputing the insecticide claims, saying he believes the bees are just a bunch of lazy, no-good bastards who’d rather just pick up some honey on sale at Trader Joes than go to the bother of making it themselves. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Breastfeeding Duration Linked to Better Language Skills:  U.S. researchers say that breastfeeding a child for six months to a year is associated with better language skills later in life.  Yea, I suppose - assuming you consider “hey lady, nice breasts” to be better language skills. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Gas Pumps Are the Direst Publ...

FDA to Impose Severe Restrictions on E-Cigarettes:  Alarmed by a huge increase in vaping among young people, Food and Drug Administration Commissioner Scott Gottlieb is expected to announce a ban on the sale of most e-cigarettes in convenience stores and gas stations across the country.   Now I’m no doctor or scientist, but it sounds a lot to me like a few industries may have forgotten to make their campaign contributions this past election.  But I understand the message the FDA is trying to convey to our youth - “you damn kids ought to stick to the opioids, just like your parents and leave the tobacco products alone.” But trying to restrict e-cigarettes?  Egads - that’s not gonna be EZ!  That said, I guess you’ve gotta do something to prevent the spread of e-cancer.  Of course, to be completely fair here, at least these vapers aren’t flinging their butts onto the sidewalks.  That ought to count for something. https://www.johnnyrobishcome...

Data Shows Pornhub Traffic Really Soared on Election Night:   New analysis indicates that visits to popular porn website Pornhub, spiked by as much as 50% across the nation on election night, especially in the Washington DC area.   Now pardon my cynicism, but what’s so unusual about that?  Isn’t it only natural that people would want to follow the erection results?  Personally, I don’t see a major problem here, just as long as they don’t let things get out of hand. That said, I’m sure information like this is gonna rub some folks the wrong way.  You know, etch a visual so strong into their minds - that they just won’t be able to shake it.  And while I feel rather sorry for these folks, it’s important to remember that it’s not all that easy to deny hard, empirical data. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Mars Was Probably Flooded With Water Billions of Years Ago:  New data indicate that Mars probably was flooded with much more water billion of years ago than what was previously thought.  Which explains why you’ll never find housing there - there’s no flood insurance on Mars, so nothing got rebuilt after the floods. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com  Researchers Suggest Using Laser to Contact Alien Civilizations:  Scientists want to build an infrared laser that is both hot and bright enough to attract the attention of any intelligent civilizations located on nearby exoplanets.  OK, may as well give ‘em Trump’s phone number.  Meanwhile, rumor has it that Scientologists are already putting a “welcome basket” together for them. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Hell’s Angels Frequently Sue Over Trademark Infringement:  Despite their outlaw image, a little known fact is that the Hells Angels organization have brought more than a...

Trump Sends US Troops to Install Razor Wire on Mexico Border:   As a purported defense against Central American migrants, President Trump has dispatched US troops to the US-Mexican border who have started erecting fences and laying out very sharp razor wire, an action which many are dismissing as a cruel “political stunt” on the eve of midterm elections.  OK, but in his defense, President Trump knows those migrants have been traveling on a long, hard journey and perhaps the “razor” wire is because he knows many of them will need a shave when they finally arrive. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Republican Candidate’s Children Warn Against Voting for Him:   While enormously popular in his district, Republican candidate Steve West - who has, in the past, stated be believes “Hitler was right” and who doesn’t believe Jews, gays and people of color deserve even basic civil rights - now has his own family, including his children - warning voters in Missouri again...

Study Finds Preference for Bitter Coffee Related to Psychopathy:  Researchers at the University of Innsbruck in Austria found that people who prefer bitter tastes such as drinking their coffee black - have been associated with malevolent personality traits, especially sadism and psychopathy. Now I don’t know so much about all that, but I do know that I’m pretty likely to exhibit psychopathic traits before I have my morning coffee.  And to be completely honest, I do admit that I normally prefer drinking my coffee black - in fact, right out of a mug I’ve crafted from of an actual human skull.  Do you suppose that’s a bad sign?  Gee, wonder if I’d make a better impression if I tossed a half packet of Splenda into the mix? But the truth be known, the real reason I prefer my morning coffee black is so I don’t have to feel so guilty about the four donuts I chug down along with the coffee.  Now my suggestion is, if you seriously feel concerned that you ...