You've Got to Be Kidding?

Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen Forced to Resign:   After a reportedly contentious meeting with President Trump, Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen has been forced to resign amid her continual attempts to raise legal concerns over some of Donald Trump’s more severe impulses, specifically when his demands often clash with U.S. immigration laws and federal court orders. Well, apparently tearing little children away from their parents and locking them up in cages was not seen by this President as being tough enough on immigrants, and that means - goodbye Madam Secretary!  So, it looks like it’s time for Secretary Nielsen to grab that Pomeranian puppy fur coat of hers and - get the hell out of Washington.   Not to worry though, with a resume like hers, she’ll have no trouble finding work.  In fact, word has it she’s already lined up a gig running a new chain of day care centers for Syrian President Bashar Hafez al-Assad.  Now, the ...

First Photo of Black Hole Expected in Astrophysics Milestone:   Scientists are expected to shortly unveil the first-ever photograph of a black hole, a breakthrough in astrophysics providing insight into celestial monsters with gravitational fields so intense no matter or light can escape.   That’s the good news.  The bad news is, it’s location was found to be just around the corner from a very popular Olive Garden restaurant in downtown Cleveland.  Oh well, there goes the damn neighborhood.  I mean, it’s hard enough to sell your house if there's a sink hole nearby, let alone a frigg’in black hole .  Why, who the hell’d ever buy your house, other than an astrophysicist?   On other that, I’m really happy they’re finally gonna get a photograph of it.  Of course, anyone who’s ever owned a camera knows that lighting is one of the most important aspects of photography.  One thing’s for sure - given that it’s a black hole they’re shooting,...

Japanese Study Finds Cats Can Recognize Their Own Names:   A new study out of Japan shows that cats' grasp of our words is closer to a dog's than we think, as researchers determined that cats are quite capable of recognizing the sound of their own names, even when said among a bunch of words that have the same length and accents.  Of course, recognizing that you’ve called their name - and having them actually give a good crap that you have - are two entirely different things. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Mick Jagger Recovering After Heart Procedures:   Rolling Stones frontman Mick Jagger is resting comfortably after a successful a heart valve procedure and a stent inserted into a sagging artery.  Meanwhile, by some odd quirk of fate which modern science has yet to fully understand, bandmate Keith Richards celebrated Mick’s recovery by lighting up another cigarette and pouring himself a long snort of single malt scotch. https://www.johnnyrobis...

Trump to Nominate Herman Cain to Fed Board:   President Trump said he will nominate former GOP presidential candidate and former pizza chain boss Herman Cain to the Federal Reserve’s board of governors, a move which would significantly escalate the White House’s effort to exert it’s politics over the U.S. Central Bank. Good grief, Godfather's Pizza Man Herman Cain - of 9-9-9 fame, appointed to the Central Bank?  Can Michelle Bachman, Sarah Palin or Tila Tequila be far behind? Rumor has it pizza man Cain promised Trump that if he’s appointed to the Fed, he’ll guarantee he can crash the US economy - in just 30 minutes or less.   And while Trump appointments like this are always guaranteed to be good for a laugh, let’s try and remember that “what's good for Saturday Night Live - isn't necessarily good for the nation.” https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Trump Claims Noise From Wind Farms Cause Cancer:   During an especially bizarre meeting with NATO Secretary General Jens Stoltenberg in the Oval Office, President Donald Trump repeatedly used the word “oranges” instead of the term “origins” - and then, moved on to falsely claim that the noise from wind turbines cause cancer. Gee, Trump confused the word origins with oranges?  Now I don’t wanna sound critical, but this guy’s starting to make the language-impaired George W. Bush look like frigg’in Shakespeare.  In his defense though, the White House is now claiming the President most likely used the word “orange” after he became distracted by his own image in the mirror across from his table.  Adding to that, we now have Trump also claiming that windmills cause cancer.  Which is quite interesting coming from a guy who refuses to believe that asbestos causes mesothelioma.  Personally, I suspect what concerns Mr Trump about windmills is not really ...

Trump Once Again Claims His Father Was Born in Germany:   While expressing frustration about Germany not paying their fair-share towards NATO, Trump once again claimed that he has always loved Germany, because his father was born there - even though his father was actually born in New York. So, it turns out that the guy who’s been chiding Elizabeth Warren for so long about being Native American - tells lies about his heritage?  Say it ain’t so!  Now some of you may ask, so President Trump loves Germany?  What’s the big deal?  Nothing, I suppose - except that it appears the Germany Donald Trump loves, was the Germany of 1939 - not 2019. In fact, Trump’s father was so proud of his German heritage, that he used to lie and tell people he was “Swedish.”  Of course, that was after Germany lost the war.  Before the war, Fred Trump was believed to be a proud member of the KKK and the German American Bund, a group which promoted the glories of Nazi ...

Saudi Man Has Rogue Tooth Growing in His Nostril:  A 22-year-old Saudi Arabia man suffering from mysterious nosebleeds went to his doctor, only to discover that he had a rogue tooth growing in his nostril.  On a positive note, he’s probably about the only guy around who can pick both his teeth and his nose at the same time. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Comedian In Run-Off Against Incumbent for Ukraine Presidency:   Comedian Volodymyr Zelensky topped the first round of Ukraine's presidential election, setting him up for a run-off with the incumbent President Petro Poroshenko after voters expressed frustration over corruption and a stalling economy.  No kidding - perhaps it’s time we start taking the comedians seriously and treat the politicians as a joke. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Burger King to Roll Out the Meatless Whopper:   Burger King has announced that it is teaming up with San Francisco Bay area start-up Impossibl...