You've Got to Be Kidding?

Trump Expands Immigration Ban - Adding Mostly African Nations:  President Trump just added six more "mostly African nations” to his administration’s travel ban, including Nigeria, Africa’s most populous country - in a widely anticipated expansion which Democrats claim is “clearly discriminatory” against people from predominantly black and Muslim nations. Now wait a minute, let me get this straight.  Trump was just impeached for pressuring foreign nations to help him throw America’s 2020 elections, yet we’re supposed to believe it’s these countries who pose threats to our national security?   Gee, this has to be a mistake.  Perhaps someone  just misinterpreted something when they translated the President’s order from “Trump to English.”  Oh well, on a positive note - at least we’re still welcoming immigrants from Slovenia.   So, what happened?  Apparently, someone must have handed Trump a map of Africa.  You know, one with writ...

Scientists Release Highest Resolution Images of the Sun Ever Taken:  Researchers from the National Solar Observatory on Haleakala, Maui, have just released the highest resolution images and videos ever taken of the sun's surface - which scientists hope will help them keep track of activity on the sun.   Good grief, so not only is Google, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Siri, Alexa and who knows what else spying on us down here on Earth - now, apparently not even the frigg’in sun is entitled to a little privacy. Meanwhile, and closer to home, angry Trump supporters have taken to the streets and calling the pics “fake news,” claiming there's no real proof the sun actually exists and insisting this pic looks suspiciously like some “caramel corn” bought at last year’s Iowa State Fair. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Trump Tweets Schiff Has Not Yet Paid the Price for His Actions:   President Trump continued to ratchet up his rhetoric against Rep. Adam Schiff, tweeting out what appeared to be a threat against the House Impeachment Manager by claiming “Shifty Adam Schiff is a CORRUPT POLITICIAN, and probably a very sick man.  He has not paid the price, yet, for what he has done to our Country!” Gee, that almost sounds like an “enemies list” to me.  Now, if memory serves me correct, I could almost swear we've been down that road before.  The difference being, Nixon used proper grammar and knew how to spell.   Anyway, while we’re talking about “paying the price,” my guess is most taxpayers wouldn’t mind seeing My Trump “pay the price” also  - you know, for all those golf outings and endless pep rallies he holds for himself every week. Anyway, I suppose all of this is just more old news, given that Mr Trump and his pals are almost never at a loss for somethin...

Trump Says He’ll Consider Cuts to Social Security and Medicare:   While much of the nation was focused on Donald Trump’s impeachment trial, President Trump gave an interview to CNBC in Davos, Switzerland, declaring his intention to “take a look” at cutting benefits to entitlement programs such as Social Security and Medicare after the election. So, he’s considering cutting “entitlements” eh?  Gee, how comforting to know this greedy, self-obsessed grifter, a man who poops into gold-plated toilets and has spent over $124,000,000 taxpayer dollars on golf outings in the past three years - thinks our life-line Social Security and Medicare benefits are “ entitlements ?” Of course, in all fairness, to some degree Mr Trump is correct using the term “entitlements."  I mean, when you think about it, since we’ve all paid into these programs through payroll taxes for most of our lives, I suppose you could say “yes Mr Trump, we are indeed ENTITLED - to every bit of that go...

Pompeo Curses Out and Asks Reporter to Find Ukraine on Map:   Following a testy interview, a very angry Secretary of State Mike Pompeo dropped F-Bombs at NPR National Security Reporter Mary Louise Kelly and challenged her to even find Ukraine on the map - which she did immediately did. Hell, after Pompeo challenged her to find Ukraine on the map, she should’ve asked him if he could find his integrity. My guess is - the answer is no. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

23andMe Lays Off 100 People as DNA Test Sales Decline:   Home DNA-testing company 23andMe will be laying off about 100 people, or 14% of its staff, in the wake of declining sales - a decline CEO Anne Wojcicki admitted took her by surprise. Gee, too bad it never occurred to her that this isn’t exactly the kind of business that has repeat customers.  I mean, just how many times does someone actually need to have their DNA tested - even though spitting into a test tube can be a helluva lot of fun.   After all, it’s not like your DNA or your ancestry’s gonna change over time - that is, unless you’re Michael Jackson.  Now, if it were running 23andMe, I’d drop all the damn DNA testing - and start looking at the fossil records.  I mean, anthropologists need jobs too. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

US Drinking Water Widely Contaminated With Forever Chemicals:   Days after Republicans loosened US drinking water standards, a new report surfaced that both the White House and the EPA have tried to stop from being published, showing that US drinking water contamination is actually far worse than previously thought - by man-made "forever chemicals” such as Teflon, Scotchgard and firefighting foam, which don’t break down well in the natural environment. Hell, I don’t blame the White House or the EPA for trying to bury this report.  After all, what the does any of this nonsense have to do with the Biden’s corruption in Ukraine or Hillary’s e-mails?   Besides, who wants to live forever?  Why not look on the bright side - with chemicals like Scotchgard and firefighting foam in our drinking water, it sounds like we’re all well on our way to becoming both waterproof and fireproof.” https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Trump Tells Americans Use Mops and Buckets to Combat Rising Seas:   Donald Trump launched into a scathing attack on recent proposals to build a six-mile sea wall around New York, urging the city’s residents to instead use “mops and buckets” to cope with the rising sea levels. Sure Mr President, we’ll get right on that mopping business, just as soon as we finish raking the national forests.  By the way, whatever happened to that old “Walls Work” slogan of yours?   But I get Trump’s point here, putting up a sea wall is just plain crazy.  Of course, building a wall around the desert is nothing short of pure genius.  Besides, it isn’t like there’s a whole lotta of people living in Manhattan anyway.   Anyway, the way I see it - there’s no need for New Yorkers to run right out and buy themselves a fancy new mop to soak up all that sea water, not when Trump’s hair ought to work just as well. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Woman Shows No Remorse After Driving Into Traffic as Test of Faith:   A Pennsylvania woman, who seriously injured two people in an auto collision, told police she feels absolutely no concern or remorse for her victims - claiming God told her to drive into oncoming traffic as a “test of her faith in God."    Gee, she drove into oncoming traffic because God was testing her faith?  Not to sound skeptical, but it sounds more to me like God was actually testing to see how much her insurance rates would go up.   Anyway, my suggestion for her is - next time you feel that God wants to test your faith, how about stepping in front of a bus or driving over a cliff - and stay the hell off our highways! Hope they take her license away, and if she complains about “how am I supposed to get around,” just tell her “God'll take care of it for you.”  Hell, Jesus got around on foot, what makes her so special?   Anyway, guess it’s about time to cue up al...

Trump Targets Michelle Obama’s School Nutrition Guidelines:   Leading junk food manufacturers say they are extremely impressed after the Trump administration used Michelle Obama’s birthday, to announce a planned roll back of the school nutrition standards championed by the former First Lady - which emphasized fresh fruit and vegetables over junk food.  Well, finally President Trump is addressing an issue which has troubled most Trump supporters since Michelle Obama first proposed these crazy healthy lunches - and that is “why in the world would any self-respecting Republican parent ever wish to have their child live a healthy lifestyle?”  Why, that’s nearly as un-American as working families having access to affordable heath care! Besides, without junk food in their school lunches, how the hell are our nation’s children supposed to ingest their daily quota of grease, saturated fat, growth hormones and reckless doses of antibiotics - the best sources of which ar...

Christian School Expels Girl Over Rainbow Sweater and Birthday Cake:   Whitefield Academy, a Christian school in Kentucky, has stirred up quite a controversy after expelling a freshman student who posted a pic on her social media, showing her celebrating her 15th birthday with a rainbow cake and wearing a multi-colored sweater. Gee, I certainly hope these poor Whitefield students have a safe place to hide should it happen to rain one day and (God forbid) - a rainbow appears.  Now, I was gonna suggest the kids try and take cover under their desks, but of course - I’m sure the school would much rather they just “go into the closet.”  And, if the cake and sweater weren’t horrifying enough, word has it the devil child also expressed interest in attending the University of Hawaii after graduation, who are known nationally as - get ready for it - the “Rainbow Warriors.”  Now, one has to ask, is there simply no end to the horrors these poor Christians must endure...

UK Threatening to Tear Up its Defense Alliance with US:  Because of President Trump’s destabilizing order to assassinate Iranian Maj. Gen. Qassem Soleimani, UK Defense Secretary Ben Wallace is threatening to tear up its defense alliance with the US, adding that the UK will instead be seeking to forge stronger alliances with other international partners who share the UK’s priorities. Trump Administration officials counter, calling the UK’s move unfair - and pointing out Trump’s never really had any real friends, so how the hell is he supposed understand alliances?   In the meantime, an outraged Donald Trump took to Twitter, urging all Americans to quit buying English muffins. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Fired Boeing CEO Gets $62 Payout as Company Lays Off 2,800:   In a bit of irony, just hours after it was announced that fired Boeing CEO Dennis Muilenburg, who lost his job over Boeing's disastrous handling of two fatal crashes of their 737 Max in which 346 people died, will leave the company with a huge $62 million golden parachute - the company also announced it will be laying off 2800 workers. Wow, I can’t help but wonder just how much cash Muilenburg might have walked away with had he actually done a good job?  Anyway, it isn’t like all those laid-off Boeing workers will just be forgotten.  Hell, as soon as they apply for their unemployment benefits, congressional Republicans will soon be making the rounds, referring to them as a bunch of moochers and lazy loafers. But good grief, knowingly allowing a defective product to go to market which ends up killing nearly 400 people, and then walking away with a sweet $62 million “golden parachute?”  Now, I’m n...

Hannity Threatens to Release Phone Numbers of Any Mutinous Republicans:   Fox News host and Trump apologist-in-chief Sean Hannity, is issuing a warning to all Republican senators - that he will publicly release the phone numbers of any senators who dare vote to allow witnesses to be called during President Trump’s impeachment trial in the Senate. Gee, you mean to tell me that the party of "alternative facts” and science deniers, who represent a guy who’s already racked up nearly 16,000 documented lies during his presidency - is not going to allow any witnesses or evidence during their show trial?  Well, knock me over with a feather! Now, back in the day and before Trump, things like witness tampering and overt attempts to intimidate jurors - used to be a felony.  But now, I suppose those, just like most other things found in our constitution, have become simply passée during a Trump presidency.  Who cares about all that legalese anyway? Of course, I s...

Attacks by Urban Coyotes Have Been Increasing:   As more and more humans settle into their usual habitats, coyotes have begun taking up residence in America’s unban areas, causing residents to express concerns about the safety of pets and even small children. No kidding?  Why, I could have sworn “Urban Coyote” was the name of an old John Travolta movie.  But putting all that aside, I saw a couple of really HUGE coyotes over the Holidays right in my neighborhood, so I assume they must be eating well and enjoying all that our LA cuisine has to offer.   In fact, they may be enjoying LA food a bit too much if you ask me.  Mark my words, if this keeps up, you’ll start seeing specialty diet centers like “Coyote Atkins" or “ Jenny Craig-Canine ,” springing up all the place in over LA.   Hell, they’re getting so comfortable here, pretty soon they’ll be calling Uber to explore different neighborhoods.  I mean, why walk?  Let’s not forget “W...

Mnuchin Tries to Delay Trump’s Travel Costs Disclosures Until After Election:   Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin is reportedly trying to prevent the Secret Service from revealing how much money it has spent protecting President Trump and his adult children on all their travels - until after the November election. Gee, for being “the most transparent administration in all of history,” Trump sure seems to like to hide a lot of information.   I mean, for a guy who heavily criticized Obama when he’d play an occasional round of golf, turns out Mr Trump has played golf once for every 3.5 days he's been in the White House.   In fact, estimates now put Trump’s golfing expenses at nearly $121,000,000.  All I can say is, Trump may not be the best President we’ve ever had, but he’s sure the most expensive.   And folks, that’s just the golf!  Then, there’s all the dough we have to spend for all those endless Trump pep rallies, not to mention the mo...

Arizona Republican Accused of Selling Babies in Illegal Adoption Scheme:  Arizona’s Maricopa County Assessor Paul Petersen has resigned, months after the Republican official was charged with running a human smuggling operation that paid pregnant women from the Marshall Islands to give up their babies for sale here in the United States. Gee, I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say this story will never be run on Fox News.  Why, no wonder the Trump administration’s been so eager to separate all those children from their parents at the border.   I guess this pretty much explains why the GOP’s been so strongly against things like abortion, contraception and family planning in general.  Hell, how's a good Republican supposed to meet product quotas when those things are allowed? And, now that I think about it, Don Jr claimed that infamous meeting between he and the Russians at Trump Tower in 2016, was all about finding new ways to expedite “adoption of Russi...

Republican Defends Posting Fake Photo of Obama with Iran’s President:  Republican congressman Paul Gosar, who tweeted a fake photoshopped picture of former President Barack Obama shaking hands with Iranian President Hassan Rouhani, defended his actions after it was exposed as a lie by claiming “no one said this wasn’t photoshopped,” then adding “but the pic still makes a valid point.” Oh, I get it. The old “I never said I wasn't lying” defense. Anyway, interesting position that Rep. Gosar’s taking on this. I mean, I assume this also means he’d have no problem whatsoever with a political opponent posting a doctored photo of him with say - underage boys? And it’s funny, but I can’t seem to recall one Republican calling him out for promoting fake news. Why, this is a guy who’s very own family actually went on TV during the last election, and begged people to NOT vote for him. Gee, hard to imagine why they’d feel that way. And the guy’s a dentist for Christ’s sake! All I can...

Faux Meat Makers Plan to Market a New Pork Alternative:   Between trade tariffs and the specter of African Swine Fever, last year was a pretty harrowing year for pork producers, but never fear - faux meat makers like Impossible Foods and Beyond Meat will soon be coming out with new pork alternatives.   Yea, I suppose all that’s nice, but frankly - I’m still waiting for someone like Beyond Meat to come up with some sort of palatable, new Presidential alternative.  I’d suggest calling it “Beyond Trump.” https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Selective Service Website Crashes Amid Panic Over Military Draft:   In the aftermath of the US drone strike that killed Iranian General Suleimani, the Selective Service System reports receiving so much traffic from people panicking over the possibility of getting drafted, that the website crashed.   And hell, that was just from Donald Trump’s friends and family!  Wait till everyone else gets the word.  In related news, the CDC says they’re busy making plans and preparations for an expected bone spurs epidemic.   Trying to dispel fears, the Trump Administration reminds citizens that they’ll be no need for a draft - not as long as we have so many desperate, poor people in this country.  And, the President pledges to keep that income disparity alive and well through additional tax cuts for the wealthy.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Trump Reminds Evangelicals that God Is On Our Side:   After recent criticism from a notable Christian publication, President Trump launched a new political coalition called “ Evangelicals for Trump” at the King Jesus International Ministry megachurch in Florida, by declaring that God supports his agenda and made sure he got elected President, then adding “I really do believe we have God on our side.” So, it was actually God who got Trump elected?  Who knew?  Oh wait, now that think of it - I believe God did discuss electing Trump in “the Book of Russians” - verse 20:16, or was it the “Gospel of Putin” verse 20:20?  I must have somehow overlooked those chapters last time I read the Bible.   The truth is, even the harshest Trump critic - if completely honest, will have to admit that Trump has been a really devote Christian - at least ever since he realized how good "God" is at delivering votes on election day. And I get how some folks may consider ...

Retiring Wisconsin Teacher Admits Defecating in Park for 2 Years:   Retiring Wisconsin English teacher Jeffrey S. Churchwell, has been arrested by local authorities on charges of defecating twice a day in a local public park for over two years, telling arresting police he was just “being an idiot” and that he did it “for convenience and to be disrespectful." My gosh, he was defecating twice a day - right in the park?  This guy’s obviously “full of it.”  Now, I’m certainly not defending his actions, but it really sounds to me like this is a dude with a pretty serious bran muffin habit.  Neighbors suspect his Cocker Spaniel’s been a bad influence on him.  Whatever!  Who knows, maybe President Trump will pardon him? One thing’s for sure, you can bet his poor students are never gonna feel completely comfortable when he tells them they’ve gotta use a "Number 2 pencil” on their test.  Anyway, it’s probably a good thing he’s about to retire, bec...

Paul Manafort Says Hannity Served as His Backchannel to Trump:   Paul Manafort said he used Fox News host Sean Hannity to receive backchannel messages from President Donald Trump while prosecutors investigated him for financial crimes, according to newly released memos from former Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s Russia investigation. Now, in light of these revelations, analysts are warning that it might be a good time for Sean Hannity get himself a good lawyer.  What are they talking about?  Hannity already has himself a lawyer.  It’s just that his lawyer (Michael Cohen) - happens to be in prison at the moment.   Anyway, I have to say all this leaves me more than a little bit confused about the workings of our government.  I mean, who the hell’s supposed to be our Vice President anyway?  Is it Rudy Giuliani or Sean Hannity?  At some point, they’ve gonna have to make up their mind! https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com