Elon Musk Acquires Twitter for $44 Billion

Much to the delight of MAGA conservatives and QAnon advocates everywhere, Twitter announced that Elon Musk has agreed to acquire the company for $44 billion, giving the world’s richest person command of a highly influential social media site that serves as a platform for political leaders, a sounding board for experts across industries, and an information hub for millions of everyday users. Musk claims this is what is needed in order to “save free speech and democracy.”

Absolutely! Why, I can’t think of a better way to preserve free speech and democracy, than having an obscenely rich, narcissistic, American oligarch, stand watch over an endless deluge of unchecked misinformation, conspiracy theories, propaganda, and outright lies - all being fed to the masses through one of the world’s most prominent social media platforms. Ladies and gentlemen behold - the next Donald Trump.

Interestingly, Musk seems convinced it doesn’t really matter if someone inside a crowded theater decides to yell “fire!” Why, it’s “free speech” after all. But I get Elon’s point here. No doubt allowing all of Trump’s perpetually aggrieved MAGA half-wits, countless QAnon conspiracy theorists, white supremacists, neo-fascists, and other assorted right-wing crackpots back on Twitter - really ought to class the joint up a bit.

You see, I think I’ve figured out the way it all works. The guy with the most cash - gets the most “free speech.” I don’t know, and you can call me old-fashioned, but I still prefer the good old days, when all these pampered, super-rich guys bought themselves expensive cars, yachts, and insanely-sized mansions to express their manhood.

Meanwhile, in related news and not to be outdone, Jeff Bezos has just announced he’s decided to purchase New York. As for all the rest of us? Well, perhaps the best we can hope for at this point is to try and find refuge inside one of those tunnels that Musk’s “The Boring Company” is digging. Damn shame that digger of his - can’t dig us all out of debt while they’re at it.

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Sen. Katie Britt Blames Biden for a Rape 20 Years Ago in Mexico

During what many are calling an absolutely insane rebuttal to President Biden’s “State of the Union” address, Sen. Katie Boyd Britt (R-Ala.), walked onto a studio sound stage (set up like an upper-middle-class kitchen) and began to link a harrowing account of a young woman’s sex trafficking and rape by a Mexican drug cartel, to Joe Biden’s immigration policies of the 2020s. She did this even though the abuse happened nearly 20 years ago and in Mexico - and at a time when Republican George W. Bush was president, not Joe Biden. The girl about whom Sen. Britt spoke - was thrown out of her house by her mother at age 12 and eventually “fell prey to a professional pimp.” There is no evidence that she was ever held by a drug cartel, as Katie claimed. In addition, the young victim testified that most of her clients for prostitution were foreigners visiting Mexico to have sex with underage girls. Okay, so now let me get this straight. A young Mexican fema...

White House Calls Trump Property the Perfect G7 Meeting Location

White House Calls Trump Property the Perfect G7 Meeting Location: The White House and President Trump are raising eyebrows once again after they selected Donald Trump’s National Doral Resort Hotel as the “perfect location” for the next G7 summit while also suggesting President Trump plans to re-invite Russian President Vladimir Putin to the meeting. Well gee-whiz, what a lucky break for the Trump Resorts. I mean, who knew there was no other place in the entire United States that would be appropriate to hold a G7 summit other than a Trump property? Imagine that! Of course, at the rate Trump has been betraying all our friends and allies, by the time this conference actually rolls around - my guess is it’s likely only gonna be a G2 summit - with just Trump and Putin in attendance! https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Trump Claims Bahamas are Full of Bad Gang Members

Trump Claims Bahamas are Full of Bad Gang Members: President Trump shocked reporters by telling them that he is hesitant to allow any Bahamians to enter the US after Hurricane Dorian, because the island is full of "bad gang members.” Right, “bad gang members.” That’s as opposed to all the “good gang members” who follow him. You know, like the KKK, the neo-Nazis and all those white-supremacist militia gangs. But come on, if Trump really thought that there’s all these “bad guys” roaming around in the Bahamas, you’d think he’d have invited them to meet with him at Camp David by now. That said, my guess is that about the only thing Donald Trump actually knows about the Bahamas is that it’s surrounded bigly, by a Yuge bunch of water. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

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