You've Got to Be Kidding?

LA Thieves Make Off With 2nd Ambulance in a Week:   The Los Angeles Fire Department reports that for the second time in a week, thieves have made off with an ambulance in the LA area.  Yea, well - knowing LA, its probably all part of a publicity stunt for a new video game - “Grand Theft Ambulance.” http://www.johnnyrobish.com Restroom Hand Dryers Suck Up Fecal Matter and Spray Them Out:   A new study found that hand dryers in public restrooms suck up fecal bacteria from the air and spew it out at a rapid speed everywhere.  Researchers say that while the dryers do indeed spread bacteria, drying your hands with them is still a lot more sanitary than say - licking a toilet seat. http://www.johnnyrobish.com Gambino Crime Family to Name New Leader:   Law-enforcement officials say that the Gambino crime family has finally decided on Francesco “Franky Boy” Cali as the new leader of the 750-member organization.  When asked for a respo...

Trump Labels FBI Raid on Cohen’s Office a Witch Hunt:   FBI agents have conducted a raid on the office of President Donald Trump’s longtime personal attorney Michael Cohen, which prompted the President to describe it as a “disgraceful situation” and a “total witch hunt.”  Well, Trump’s certainly right about it being a "disgraceful situation,” but fortunately for all of us, it appears that Mueller’s finally getting to the bottom of it.  As for it being a “witch hunt,” I suppose when you’re a witch, nearly everything seems like a “witch hunt.” http://www.johnnyrobish.com Eyebrows Allowed Humans to Communicate Better:   New research suggests that our more mobile eyebrows enabled the communication that allowed for the formation of large social networks, allowing Homo sapiens to get on so much better with each other than other now-extinct hominins.  Now I can’t speak to how mobile eyebrows may have helped us advance as a species, but I do know they sure ...

Tucker Carlson Says Normal People Can’t Live in California:  Fox News host Tucker Carlson told viewers that normal people can’t live in California - and then described the state as a third world style dystopia dominated by illegal aliens and “tech oligarchs” with no common language, an no common culture, a collapsing infrastructure, an out of control debt, schools which are unusable and filthy public spaces.  Gee, my question for Tucker and the Fox News viewers is, why would you even care about where “normal people” live?  That's not your demographic.  Sounds a little like Tucker needs a safe space.  Perhaps Tucker should consider moving to the deep south, where much of the population lives in abject poverty, but they have really beautiful, plush college football facilities. http://www.johnnyrobish.com Study Finds Porn Can Shut Down Part of Your Brain:  New research found that looking at erotic movies can actually shut down the part of the brai...

Trump Tower Fire Leaves One Dead and Four Injured:  A 67-year-old man has been killed and four firefighters injured in a fast-moving fire that broke out on the 50th floor of the Trump Tower in Manhattan.   And while not offering condolences to the victim, the President did take to Twitter to brag about what a well-built building Trump Tower is for containing the fire and to proudly announce that “I’ve just been informed we have an unexpected vacancy in Trump Tower with a totally unobstructed view of the city.  Better act now and grab it while it’s still hot!”   Meanwhile, back in Washington DC, Sarah Huckabee Sanders told reporters that it was all the FDNY could do to prevent Trump from running right into the building to save all the residents - bone spurs and all.  When asked if the building was properly protected with fire alarms, an angry Sanders told reporters that “fire alarms are for socialists!” That said, I do have to give Trump credit for ...

Trump Denies Knowing About Stormy Daniels Payout:  President Trump denied knowing about a $130,000 payment his lawyer made to porn star Stormy Daniels who claims to have had a sexual encounter with him, an assertion that threatened to complicate his legal battle against her.   So, if I’m understanding this correctly, President Trump's lawyer Michael Cohen secretly paid a porn star named Stormy Daniels $130,000 out of his own pocket and made her sign a non-disclosure agreement (NDA) about the sex she and the President never had.  Furthermore, Cohen is now threatening to sue Ms. Daniels for millions of dollars for breaking an agreement about something that never happened.   Makes a lot of sense to me - on the other hand, I’m pretty heavily medicated.  One thing’s for sure, this story has to be destined to one day overtake that famous “the dog ate my homework” in the archives of the greatest whoppers ever told.  Meanwhile, over the White House loud...

Enormous Crack in the Earth Opens Up Near Nairobi:   Scientists can’t seem to agree upon exactly what may have caused an enormous crack which has opened up in the earth, just outside Nairobi, Kenya.  Geologists say the crack measures 50 feet deep and 65 feet across in some areas - and goes on for miles before slices right through a major highway. When informed about the crack, an angry President Trump complained by tweet that now the Mexican drug lords have even gotten parts of the Earth addicted to crack - until one of his trusty aids informed him that this doesn’t sound like the kind of crack that drug addicts smoke.  The President then demanded to know if any great-big, angry fire-breathing dinosaurs were emerging from the crack?  To answer this question, several renowned creationist geologists from Liberty University were immediately summoned to the White House to explain what exactly is going on - and they explained to the president that this crack i...

Cocaine-Stuffed Condoms Headed for the Vatican Seized:  A package that was simply addressed to “The Vatican Post Office” containing 12 ounces of cocaine stuffed in 14 condoms has been intercepted by German authorities.  A Vatican spokesperson expressed outrage -  not at the cocaine, but at the condoms.  http://www.johnnyrobish.com Solar Installations in the US Growing Rapidly:  As more businesses and households embrace the technology. the cost of solar has been going down dramatically, which means solar installations will likely continue growing at an ever-increasing pace.  In fact, industry analysts say the outlook for solar remains quite “sunny.”   http://www.johnnyrobish.com Car Sales Are Half of US Economic Growth:  According to a Bloomberg analysis, car sales make up fully half of the US economic growth for this year.  The other half is believed to have come directly from money the Kardashians blow on Beverly Hi...