You've Got to Be Kidding?

Trump Calls His Puerto Rico Response An Unsung Success:   As Hurricane Florence bears down on the Carolinas, President Trump is describing his administration’s response to Hurricane Maria in Puerto Rico as “an incredible unsung success,” despite the fact that the death toll has jumped from 64 to 2,975 and the area is still struggling to fully restore its electricity. A Trump spokesperson said people who criticize the Administration’s response to Hurricane Maria should remember that the President personally visited the area after the storm and threw paper towels into the crowd - which we all know can make a world of difference to struggling Hurricane victims. And of course those critics never bother to mention those towels were a very high-end paper towel - rated “bigly absorbent.”  I mean, there’s no telling what the death toll could have risen to had our quick-thinking President not tossed those towels out into the crowd.  And who can forget that President ...

Son Sues Cryonics Firm for $1 Million Over Decapitating Father’s Head:  A son is suing the cryonics firm Alcor for one million dollars for not respecting his late father’s wishes (and contract) to have his “entire body” cryogenically preserved.  Instead, the firm severed and stored only the man’s head, mailing the rest of his cremated remains to his son.   Wow, that really sucks!  By the time they finally get around to reviving him, the poor guy won’t even be tall enough to go on any rides at Disneyland.  On a positive note, if Disney ever decides to do another remake of the “Legend of Sleepy Hollow,” he’d of course be a shoe-in for the part.  Now Sleepy Hollow has always been a rather “chilling” tale, but adding cryonics takes that to a whole new level.    Meanwhile, an Alcor spokesperson tried to justify severing the head by pointing out that the man was a renowned scientist and already had a large “body” of work he left behind - so w...

Fox News Claims Obama Breaking Norms by Criticizing Trump:  After former President Barack Obama went on the campaign trail last week, Fox News analysts have begun bitterly complaining that Obama is “breaking norms” by criticizing President Trump. My question is, exactly what "norms" do they perceive possibly exist under this president?  Didn’t the Republicans throw any pretense of “normal” out the window when they elected Trump?  But come on, a Trump supporter complaining about another president violating "long-standing norms" - with a straight face?  That’s especially precious when you consider nearly every other word out of Trump’s mouth for the past two years has been “Obama.” And as far as norms are concerned, what norms could they be referring to anyway?  The norms of slavery, the norms before child labor laws, the norms before women had the right to vote, or the norms of the Jim Crow South?  And even if Obama happened to break a few “norms...

Starbucks Opens Cafe Staffed Exclusively By Elderly People:   Starbucks has opened a cafe in Mexico City that will have an exclusively elderly staff.  Ironically, many customers reported that they placed their orders in their 20’s, but by the time they finally received their drinks - they were nearly old enough to work at the Starbucks. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Gun Owners Much More Likely To Vote Than Non-Gun Owners:   University of Kansas researchers analyzed data from the General Social Survey between 1972 through 2012 and found that gun owners are significantly more likely to register and also vote in presidential elections than non-gun owners.  Of course, if you’re not a gun owner, you’re probably thinking “oh shoot!” https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com One in Five Adults Admit Peeing in Public Pools:  According to a recent survey that questioned roughly 1,000 American adults, one in five admitted urinating in public swimmi...

Scientists Discover First Known Plant-Eating Shark:   Researchers at UC Irvine and Florida International University have confirmed that the bonnethead shark is the world’s first known omnivore shark - one that prefers eating both plants and meat.  OK, so they found a shark who happens to enjoy a little side salad when it eats a surfer.  What’s the deal? https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Woman Gets Rare Case of Hairy Black Tongue From Antibiotic:  While recovering in a hospital after a serious car accident, a 55-year-old Missouri woman began complaining of nausea and a bad taste in her mouth.  Upon examination, doctors found she had a rare case of a condition called “black hairy tongue” - thought to be a side effect of the antibiotic minocycline.  Come on now, this can’t be a real condition!  This study has be just tongue-in-cheek.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Group Debates How to Deal With Earth Bound Object Alert...

President Trump Demands Identity of Anonymous NYT Writer:   President Donald Trump is demanding that the New York Times reveal the identity of the “Senior Administration Official” who wrote the scathing op-ed piece about him, claiming the government needs to know who it was for "national security reasons.”  At first I thought it has to be Melania, but then it occurred to me - if she had, the op-ed would have probably sounded a lot more like something Bela Lugosi wrote than it did.  One thing’s for sure, if the White House does find that Melania wrote it, expect her to be taking more time off to get additional work done on her kidneys. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Roy Moore Sues Sacha Baron Cohen for $95 Million:   Former Alabama Supreme Court chief justice Roy Moore is suing Sacha Baron Cohen, Showtime and CBS for $95 million for defamation and intentional infliction of emotional distress after being tricked into appearing on Cohen’s show in a...

Wizard of Oz Slippers Recovered 13 Years After Stolen:  The world’s most recognizable pair of shoes, the famous Ruby Slippers worn by actress Judy Garland in the fabled 1939 movie "Wizard of Oz,” have been recovered 13 years after they were stolen in the dead of night from a shattered glass case at the Judy Garland Museum.  Rumors are swirling that the FBI has evidence Rudy Giuliani had them stashed away in his closet all the years, but President Trump is demanding the FBI call off the damn “witch hunt.”  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Four More Mass Residents Test Positive for West Nile Virus:   Massachusetts health officials say four more people have tested positive for the potentially deadly West Nile Virus, bringing this year’s total in the state to nine.  Trump Health and Human Services Secretary Alex Azar admitted to reporters that he and his staff were completely caught off guard, adding that no one on his department had the slightest ide...