You've Got to Be Kidding?

Sen. Grassley Thinks Fox Isn't Working Hard Enough to Get Trump Re-Elected:  Republican Senator Chuck Grassley expressed frustration with last week's Fox News' town hall between Sean Hannity and President Trump, claiming the network made the President look bad when Trump fumbled Hannity’s question about the President’s plans for a second term - adding that the network “isn't working hard enough to get the President reelected.” Yeah, what the hell’s the matter with that Sean Hannity anyway - asking the President softball questions like that?  Hannity, of all people, should know serial misogynists like Trump don't play “softball?”  Why, it’s a damn girl’s sport! Reminds me of when that slick Katie Couric tried to ask Sarah Palin what magazines she reads.  What a low-blow, asking a question like that!  Why, it’s almost as if some folks still think a news station’s job is to provide the public with information - instead of helping elect Republicans...

NRA to Layoff 200 Staffers as Group Faces Massive Financial Crisis:  After spending over $30 million of a huge cash infusion from the Russians to help get Donald Trump elected in 2016, the National Rifle Association is now facing a deepening financial crisis, resulting in over 200 staff layoffs, 20% staff pay cuts, four-day workweeks, and other belt-tightening measures, according to insider NRA sources, gun analysts and other documents. Oh, the horrors of it all!  Why, if this situation isn’t resolved soon, the NRA may be forced to stop buying politicians altogether and will simply have to “bite the bullet.”  Oh well, if all those Russki rubles seem to have dried up, perhaps they could ask their Chief Executive Wayne La Pierre for a loan?  He seems to have no shortage of cash.  In the meantime, just know we’re all sending out our heartfelt thoughts and prayers, during these most difficult of times. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Study Says Fox News Kept Millions From Taking Coronavirus Seriously:   Three new studies are showing that Americans who relied on Fox News and similar conservative media outlets, were duped into a false sense of security as the coronavirus began its deadly spread - painting a picture of a media ecosystem that amplified misinformation, entertained unsubstantiated conspiracy theories and discouraged audiences from taking concrete steps to protect themselves and others. Wow, sounds like they must have some real “killer programming” over there at Fox!  Now, in all fairness, maybe Fox hasn’t done all that well with the coronavirus - but dagnamit, they’re really doing a helluva job when it comes to defending old statues, which pleases the pigeons - that’s for sure.  As for real people - well, not so much.  Call me old fashioned, but I long for a world, where we have a President who actually cares more about living Americans - and less about dead confederates. ...

Russia Offered Afghans Bounty to Kill U.S. Troops:   American intelligence officials have concluded that a Russian military intelligence unit secretly offered bounties to Taliban-linked militants for killing coalition forces in Afghanistan - including targeting American troops, and indicated that President Trump was briefed in the matter back in March, presented with retaliation options, but did nothing.  Gee, this means Trump knew that Russia was targeting Americans for assassination before he insisted that Russia be reinstated back into the G7 and before he started pulling American troops out of Europe, thereby strengthening Russia’s influence in the region. Of course, we’re all familiar with how Trump and the Republicans are always parading around, boasting about how much they “support the Troops.”  Well, after these revelations, I think it would only be fair to ask “oh really - whose troops?” Meanwhile, angry Republicans claimed it’s just plain “dirt...

White House Intensifies Efforts to Flood Pentagon With Trump Loyalists:   As the election grows nearer, the White House is intensifying its efforts to hire Pentagon personnel with an “undisputed” allegiance to President Trump, a move designed to weed-out all the “non-loyalists,” such as those trying to keep the military out of all the polarizing politics which Trump has been demanding. Now, let’s see, he’s quickly replacing all the top generals and Pentagon staffers with his loyalists, he loaded the courts with his flunkies, he appointed an Attorney General who acts like he’s Trump’s personal lawyer, he’s encouraged the police to manhandle people they’ve arrested, he wants to use our military against protestors, he’s firing those responsible for oversight of his actions, he’s secretly conducting his own private foreign policy through lackeys like Rudy Giuliani and Jared Kushner, and he’s attacking our free press as “enemies of the people.”  What’s to be concerned about?...

Trump Nominates Insane Conspiracy Theorist for No 3 Defense Dept Job:  President Trump has nominated Anthony Tata for the No. 3 post at the Defense Department, but it turns out that the retired Army Brigadier General and Fox News commentator has quite an active Twitter account, where he’s been describing President Barack Obama as a “terrorist leader,” with “Islamic roots” who wanted “to help the Iranians and the Islamic State crush Israel, declared former CIA Director John Brennan a traitor who should be executed and called Maxine Waters and Nancy Pelosi “violent extremists.”  And, that’s just the nice things he said. Gee, this Tony Tata’s a real charmer.  Me thinks “Tata is full of caca.”  Either that, or he’s just auditioning for a remake of "Dr. Strangelove.”  One thing’s for sure, General Tata’s obviously been guzzling down more than his share of that cool, refreshing Trump “Cult 45” Malt Liquor. And now, our “Dear Leader” wants to give him one o...

Six Staffers Setting Up Trump Rally Tested Positive for the Coronavirus:   President Trump's campaign is admitting that six of its staff members who helped set up his Saturday night rally in Tulsa, have tested positive for coronavirus. Wow, I’m sure this news has many Trump supporters scratching their heads and asking, “but, how could anyone test positive for a hoax?”  Anyway, it’s a safe bet those staffers will now all be fired for “publicly disagreeing with the President” by actually contracting the virus.  Meanwhile, when asked about those who’ve tested positive, White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany assured reporters that “it was perfectly safe to go to that rally.  Why, all you had to do was sign a waiver promising that you won’t sue us afterwards.” Now, on a more upbeat note, because six rally staffers tested positive, I suppose Fox News can now legitimately claim that Trump’s speech has gone “viral.”  As for everyone else, those tes...

Trump Comeback Rally Features Thousands of Empty Seats:   Ignoring health warnings, a defiant President Donald Trump launched his comeback rally in Tulsa by claiming the “silent majority is stronger than ever,” but a quick glance around the hall indicated that what was intended to be a show of political force - ended more like a show of thousands of empty seats instead. No problem!  Hell, Fox News can easily solve that issue with a simple headline like “ millions turned away from Trump rally to accommodate liberal social distancing guidelines.”  Besides, so what if there might have been a few empty seats.  Why, that’s nothing a little photoshop can’t handle.   Oddly, during his speech, Trump praised the strength of the "silent majority.”  Now, when he uses the term “silent majority,” I wonder if he’s referring to the 120,000 people who’ve already died from the coronavirus?   Anyway, judging from all the empty seats, I’d consider changing t...

Trump Claims Coronavirus Testing is Way Overrated:   Even though public health experts say it is crucial for continued containment, President Trump repeated his assertion that coronavirus testing is “way overrated," and said he would not seek widespread screenings - even if there’s another nationwide spike, “because expanded testing leads to a rise in confirmed coronavirus cases which, in many ways, makes us look bad.” Why, that’s simply mathematical genius.  Don’t you see that if you don’t test, they’ll be no new cases and therefore theoretically, the virus doesn’t even exist anymore!  Why, I think we owe Mr Trump a debt of gratitude and should consider renaming the virus "COVID 45” in his honor.    But why stop there, when this formula could obviously work in so many other aspects of everyday life as well?  For example, if women don’t get pregnancy tests, they can’t be pregnant and we’ve instantly solved the issue of overpopulation!   ...

Facebook Removes Trump Ads Displaying Symbol Used by Nazis:   Facebook on Thursday removed advertisements posted on its platform by the Trump reelection campaign, which prominently featured a symbol used by Nazis to mark “degenerate” peoples during World War II, saying the imagery violated company policy.  The Trump campaign countered that they had no idea these were Nazi symbols and then tried to claim these symbols were simply used to show their opposition to antifa - but Facebook wasn’t buying it. So, just to understand all this correctly - in order to “inform” everyone about how dangerous anti-fascists are, Republicans have now apparently decided to actually run as fascists? Because it’s pretty obvious Trump has managed to hire some of those "very fine people" from Charlottesville to help run his campaign.  Gotta give him credit though, Trump’s about the only guy I know who could somehow manage to get himself “cornered,” in an “oval office.” https://...

Bolton's New Book On Trump Full of Explosive Bombshells:   Excerpts from former National Security Adviser John Bolton’s new book about his time in the Trump Administration, paint a damning view of a “stunningly uninformed” man who was outmatched by the job he was elected to do and willing to do just about anything to get his way, including asking China’s Xi for help with his reelection, telling Xi he approved of building “concentration camps” for China’s largely Muslim Uighur minority and suggesting U.S. journalists who don’t reveal their sources for stories should be executed. That ought to be enough to get those poor MAGA hat cultists screaming “DEEP STATE!”  One thing’s for sure, with all these books coming out by former members of his inner circle, that future Trump Presidential Library is sure gonna be chock-full of some very interesting reading. And then, it appears that Trump tells President Xi he approves of China putting Muslim Uighur citizens into “concen...

Trump Administration Refusing to Account for $660 Billion:   After Congress passed an unprecedented $2 trillion bill known as the Cares Act , the Trump Administration pledged “full transparency on anything we do,” then immediately began firing everyone who was responsible for any oversight on the matter.  Now, it appears that $660 billion of that money has mysteriously disappeared - and the Trump Administration is refusing to say what happened to it.     Gee, who could have dreamed that when you put two trillion dollars in cash up for grabs with no oversight, there would be people who can’t wait to get their grubby hands on it?  Imagine that! Now, I’m no detective, but the first place I’d look is in Bunkerboy’s mattress.  One thing’s for sure, no matter what the hell they actually did with that money - they'll find a way to blame it all on Obama.  And, talk about a dramatic turnaround - my guess is that Putin’s now laundering money for Trump...

Televangelist Jeffress Says Democrats Plan to Bring Out the Guillotines:   During an interview with Lou Dobbs on the FOX Business Channel, Trump supporter and Megachurch Pastor Robert Jeffress, was invited on the show to discuss the “Defund the Police” movement and, after condemning that, told Dobbs that if Republicans lose the presidency in November, Democrats will bring out the guillotines and cut off the heads of all their critics. Well, on a positive note -  it isn’t like he’s actually using that head for anything anyway.  Besides, my guess is - if someone like Jeffress ever were to be beheaded, it’d probably boost his IQ by at least 20 points or so.  Of course, evangelicals have been warning their cults about progressives taking away their guns, confiscating and burning their Bibles, and Christians being tortured and killed if Republicans aren’t elected - for many years now.   Now, if memory serves me correct, we’ve recently had eight years ...

Melania Used Newfound Leverage to Redo Prenup After Election:   According to a new book written by Washington Post reporter Mary Jordan, the real reason First Lady Melania Trump stayed in New York for months after the President's inauguration, was to leverage a more favorable renegotiation of her prenuptial agreement. Ah, nothing says “true love,” quite like renegotiating your prenup.  I’ll tell you one thing, I’d buy Melania’s Art of the Deal any day before I’d ever buy Donald’s.  What a shame such a book wasn’t around when Stormy Daniels was doing her negotiating with Trump. The thing is, despite her fancy new prenup, I suspect Melania may eventually end up a wee-bit disappointed - when she finally realizes that all of Trump’s “wealth,” is essentially just a bunch of bank loans and Ponzi schemes. That said, the story of how Donald met Melania really is actually quite romantic.  Trump looked over at a bunch of Eastern European girls and told his body...

Trump Rally-Goers Must Agree Not to Sue if They Contract Coronavirus:   The New York Times reports that the Trump campaign is moving forward with it’s plan to resume indoor campaign rallies, but with one caveat - attendees registering must first agree not to sue the campaign or the venue if they contract the coronavirus at the event. Now, that’s what I call a real bargain!  Everyone attending is likely to get a good, hearty exposure to both COVID-19 and racial hatred - and all it’ll ever cost you, is any sense of decency you may have had beforehand.     Of course, some may argue that the poor folks to whom these half-wits will later expose after the rally, didn’t sign anything - but as far as Trump supporters are concerned - all this virus stuff is most likely just a hoax anyway.   Now, the only question that remains to be answered is, can any of them still sue Trump or his campaign after the election - for convincing them to vote against their o...

Right-Wing Pastor Rick Wiles Wants Activists Tortured at Guantanamo:   Far-right conspiracy theorist, ruthless anti-Semite, and Vero Beach Flowing Streams Church senior pastor Rick Wiles, thinks President Trump should round up all these activists, ship them off to Guantanamo, and waterboard them until they to confess as to who’s funding their organizations.” Well, I guess we don’t need to ponder the answer to that question for very long.  I mean, for these guys, the answer’s almost always “Jews.”  Now, you’ll have to forgive me for I’m dyslexic, but I’ll be damned if I don’t seem to keep mispronouncing his name as Prick Wiles and Vile Prick - instead Rick Wiles.  Now, shame on me!  Anyway, I must say I’m a wee bit disappointed with the good pastor.   I mean, you’d think a conservative guy like him would prefer a more traditional “crucifixion” rather than waterboarding these activists, but then again - I’m sure his followers would be quick to poi...

KKK Leader Launches Vehicle Attack on Black Lives Matter Protesters:   Self-described Ku Klux Klan leader Harry Rogers, has been arrested for driving his truck into a group of Black Lives Matter protesters gathered on Sunday in Virginia, telling arresting officers he was president of the Virginia KKK, and claiming he’s the highest-ranking member of that group not in prison. So, Harry Rogers claims he’s the “highest-ranking member of the Ku Klux Klan not in prison, eh?”  Now, you call me clairvoyant, but I have a feeling that all that’s about to change really quickly, so he may as well just go ahead drop that last part of his introduction.   Of course, knowing the way things have been going, the police will probably have the charges reduced down to “not following the coronavirus social distancing guidelines.”   In the meantime, you can bet Fox News hosts are describing him as “just a nice young man, out for a Sunday drive,” then asking “can’t a conser...

Pastor Calls Criticism of Trump Photo Op Damaging to Body of Christ:   Ed Martin, head of the "Phyllis Schlafly Eagles,” conservative pundit and evangelical pastor, is describing criticism of President Trump’s photo op march to a shrine to Pope John Paul II, in which the President had peaceful demonstrators gassed and shot with rubber bullets - as “classic American social justice gobbledygook” and claimed it was “damaging to the body of Christ.” Gee whiz, criticism of Trump’s photo op is “damaging the body of Christ?”  Why, is it possible that Pastor Martin believes that Christ may be buried somewhere in downtown Washington DC?  Wonder if it’s in Georgetown? Now, in all fairness, it might not be his fault.  There’s always the possibility that he’s suffering from some sort of severe head injury.  Anyway, it sounds like these right-wing pundit “snowflakes” get a wee bit rattled when their cult leader is teased by we infidels. Now, correct me if I’m ...

Trump Calls the New Jobs Report a Great Day for George Floyd:  After welcoming a surprisingly strong US jobs report on Friday, President Donald Trump ignited some serious controversy by claiming it was a "great day" for George Floyd - the man whose death in custody last week unleashed nationwide protests. Well, nothing like a totally insensitive and inflammatory remark like that to get those Trump cultists ready to grab their pom-poms and shake, shake, shake - in splendid admiration for their “Dear Leader.”  Trump has somehow managed to turn this country into the “Bizzaro States of America” - a place where bad is now good, up is down, lies are truth, tragedies are awesome and dyslexics make great typists.  “Grape Kool-Aid anyone?”  “Oh, I’ll have a sip of what Mr Orwell’s drinking.” https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Trump Discussing Using Tanks to Quell George Floyd Protests:   After having recently backed President Trump during a call to state governors, the Pentagon is now increasingly distancing itself from his threats to mobilize troops and tanks against American citizens protesting the police murder of George Floyd.  Well, if you remember, Trump did boast about how he could "stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and shoot somebody " and still not lose a single voter.  I guess he’s finally decided to test that theory - with a tank. Ever notice how Trump’s first reaction is always the worst?  Of course, his second and third reactions aren’t much better either.  Hell, why bother with tanks, when you’ve got all those missiles?  Gotta one-up Tiananmen Square - after all.  Meanwhile, the Daily Beast reports that a senior administration official countered that this doesn’t necessarily mean that Trump actually wants to send in tanks, “I think it’s just ...

Gen Mattis Defends Protestors and Says Trump Tries to Divide Us:   Former Trump Defense Secretary Gen. Jim Mattis, excoriated President Trump on Wednesday by accusing him of deliberately trying to divide Americans, denouncing Trump’s threats of using military force on American streets, and praising those demanding justice following the police killing of George Floyd. In related news, it’s being reported that an autopsy has just revealed that George Floyd also was a carrier of the coronavirus, but was apparently completely asymptomatic.  That means the cops who murdered him, could potentially get the virus themselves and end up in the hospital on some respirator.  Well, one thing’s for sure, if that were to ever happen - they’d definitely gain a much better understanding of what “I can’t breath” actually means. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Trump Faithful Hoping to Bypass Twitter With New App:   With rallies halted and his tweets being fact-checked, the Trump campaign has been busy developing an alternative channel for him these past few months, a smartphone app that aims to become a one-stop news, information and entertainment platform for his supporters - an app that is now frequently ranked among Apple’s Top 10 list of best selling apps. Well, I have to say that it’s comforting to know that if President Trump and Twitter should ultimately decide to part ways, his campaign has a backup plan to get his lies out to the huddled masses.  And, thanks to technology, you can now get fed those lies 24 hours a day.   One thing’s for sure, if this app has been designed and operated with the same intelligence and expertise as the rest of his administration, then his followers should be in for quite an interesting ride.  Next up, most likely a Trump video game where contestants compete to build a borde...

Trump’s Tweets Fan the Flames as Tensions Rise In US Cities:  As police clashed with demonstrators protesting the murder of George Floyd in places like New York, Los Angeles, Chicago, and other cities, President Trump decided it’s time to add more fuel to the fire with tweets threatening to shoot protesters and calling for confrontational counter-protests in what Trump labeled as a “MAGANIGHT.” Now, let’s see - citizens being murdered right before our very eyes in the streets by police, unemployment at Great Depression levels, and nearly 105,000 dead from the Orange Virus = riots in the streets?  Why, who could have known? To tell you how crazy things have actually gotten, I drove down to Tijuana, Mexico last week to get a new dental implant.  When I got back to the US border crossing, the Custom’s Agent reminded me to not forget to set my watch back to 1951. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com