DOJ Reportedly Investigating White House Pay for Pardons Scheme

DOJ Reportedly Investigating White House Pay for Pardons Scheme: CNN and the New York Times are reporting that the Dept. of Justice has been investigating a bribery scheme that involves the possible purchase of Presidential pardons, a potential crime related to the funneling of money into the White House or a related political committee, in exchange for presidential pardons.

Oh, for crying out loud! What’s the big deal anyway? Why, the Catholic Church used to sell indulgences back in the Middle Ages all the time, and Donald Trump, being the extremely religious and pious man that he is - is simply trying to bring back the practice. Why, I’m pretty sure you can even find a Biblical reference to it in “Two Corinthians.”

Meanwhile, some are complaining that the Trump Administration is basically letting Rome burn while the economy is tanking and the deadly coronavirus blazes on. All of which may be true, but this investigation shows that even so, the White House is still “wide open for business.” Why, they’ve even installed a cash register in the Oval Office.

Of course, others may conclude this whole thing smacks of bribery. Perhaps, but let’s remember that under Republican leadership, bribery isn’t really a crime - it’s called "free enterprise.” Well, not to worry, I’m sure Rudy’ll explain everything at his next news conference - over there in front of the Four Seasons Total Bail Bonds storefront office.

In the meantime, for all you loyal Donald Trump fans, it looks like we may have just found ourselves a little preview of Donald Trump’s next post-Presidential reality TV show. It’ll be called - “Dollars for Pardons” and the theme song will be “I Begged Your Pardon, Now Can We Sign It in the Rose Garden?”

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