Skip to main content

Gun Maker Subpoenas Disciplinary Records of Murdered Sandy Hook Children


Vice News reports that gun manufacturer Remington has subpoenaed the attendance records, report cards, and disciplinary records of the Newton Public School’s kindergarten and first-grade students who were murdered in the Sandy Hook school shooting that took place in Connecticut back in 2012.

Gee, Remington’s actually going to subpoena disciplinary records for slaughtered kindergartners and first graders?  Now, some may ask “could these greedy gun manufacturers possibly be more heartless?”  Well, the answer is “yes, probably!”  Anyway, I wonder why Remington didn’t want to publicize this request?  After all, attacking murdered children sure sounds like a strategy that’s almost certain to have strong public support.


Of course, I realize it’s difficult to imagine how anyone could actually believe these children were to blame for their own massacre. Well, before we judge, it’s important to fully understand what Remington’s trying to say here, which is basically “Before you blame us, let’s first look into what those damn brats were up to.  Perhaps the little bastards had it coming to them!”  Why, it’s a pretty sure bet some of them were cited for talking during school “nap time.”


That said, I get their point!  Time to show the world that these kids were naughty little boys and girls, and declare kindergarten and elementary school mischief a capital crime, punishable by death.  Now logically, that would mean the shooter was actually a “good guy with a gun,” who knew these kid’s misbehavior had to be stopped at all costs.  Hell, if I were Remington, I’d even try and subpoena Santa’s 2012 “Naughty or Nice” list.


I mean, why it’s entirely possible that some of these kids owed money to loan sharks and had acquired serious gambling debts.  As any Fox News host will tell you, it’s important to keep an open mind about things, whether they are true or not.  


Of course, a subpoena like this could complicate things for folks like conspiracy theorist Alex Jones.  After all, it must be difficult to explain why a gun manufacturer would want to obtain disciplinary records for murdered children, who Jones claims never even existed.  That said, if you a fan of Infowars, don’t worry - I’m sure he’ll come up with something.


Johnny Robish Comedy

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Trump Lawyer Schoen Threatens America With Civil War

Trump Lawyer Schoen Threatens America With Civil War:  In a fiery speech, arguing that impeachment would disenfranchise Donald Trump’s supporters, defense lawyer David Schoen is being harshly criticized for his thinly veiled threat - warning that impeaching the former president could very well result in even more violence from Donald Trump’s easily enraged base. So, if I understand Schoen’s argument correctly, it sounds as if he’s implying that “if you bring Trump to trial, then that angry, violent mob who attacked the Capitol, wanting to hang Vice President Pence and kill various members of Congress, might get really, really mad again - and there will be reprisals.”   You know, we’re talking stuff like ”Nice country you have here - be a damn shame if something were to happen to it!”  In other words, Schoen’s trying to incite violence, in defense of a man who’s facing trial - over inciting violence.  They don’t teach you that in law school.   Now, is it jus...
Post a Comment
Read more

Former Trump National Security Advisor Warns ‘Deep State’ Putting COVID Vaccine in Salad Dressing

Former Trump National Security Adviser Michael Flynn, who was fired and then prosecuted for lying to the FBI about his contacts with Russia before being ultimately pardoned by Trump, is now sliding further into the QAnon conspiracy world, telling the hosts of an online show dedicated to COVID and election fraud conspiracies - that he has heard the “Deep State” is attempting to “sneak coronavirus vaccine into salad dressing.” Now, I have no idea where Gen. Flynn got this information, but my guess is it was probably a text from Mike Lindell or Rudy Giuliani, alerting him to the “hidden dangers of salad dressing.”  Or, it could have been Nicki Minaj for all I know.  After all, she does have another cousin who has a friend in Timbuktu.  Word on the street has it the “Deep State” will initially start with “Ranch Dressing” to vaccinate the cowboys, then move on to “Russian Dressing,” to get the rest of Trump’s supporters. Anyway, I hate to rain on Gen. Flynn’s conspiracy the...
Post a Comment
Read more

Elon Musk Calls for the Prosecution of Anthony Fauci

Over the weekend, Elon Musk took to his Twitter account to call for the prosecution of infectious disease expert Dr. Anthony Fauci, endorsing a convoluted, right-wing conspiracy theory that claims Dr. Fauci financed the COVID-19 pandemic.   Musk then proceeded to mock transgender people by adding “My pronouns are Prosecute/Fauci.” Gee, the “world’s richest right-wing troll” said what?  Now, I realize it's a really low bar, but I think we’ve finally found someone who actually knows less about pronouns - than Herschel Walker.   Not to be critical, but a good sign you may have a wee bit too much money on your hands, is when you blow 44 billion dollars, just to call people names. Oh sure, I’m positive Elon Musk, like any right-wing crusader, gets a real kick out of using his Twitter to “Own the Libs.”  OK, I get that, but just who does he suppose is actually buying his friggin' cars, anyway?   I’m pretty sure it isn’t Trump’s toothless, MAGA half-wits who are fillin...
Post a Comment
Read more