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Gun Maker Subpoenas Disciplinary Records of Murdered Sandy Hook Children


Vice News reports that gun manufacturer Remington has subpoenaed the attendance records, report cards, and disciplinary records of the Newton Public School’s kindergarten and first-grade students who were murdered in the Sandy Hook school shooting that took place in Connecticut back in 2012.

Gee, Remington’s actually going to subpoena disciplinary records for slaughtered kindergartners and first graders?  Now, some may ask “could these greedy gun manufacturers possibly be more heartless?”  Well, the answer is “yes, probably!”  Anyway, I wonder why Remington didn’t want to publicize this request?  After all, attacking murdered children sure sounds like a strategy that’s almost certain to have strong public support.


Of course, I realize it’s difficult to imagine how anyone could actually believe these children were to blame for their own massacre. Well, before we judge, it’s important to fully understand what Remington’s trying to say here, which is basically “Before you blame us, let’s first look into what those damn brats were up to.  Perhaps the little bastards had it coming to them!”  Why, it’s a pretty sure bet some of them were cited for talking during school “nap time.”


That said, I get their point!  Time to show the world that these kids were naughty little boys and girls, and declare kindergarten and elementary school mischief a capital crime, punishable by death.  Now logically, that would mean the shooter was actually a “good guy with a gun,” who knew these kid’s misbehavior had to be stopped at all costs.  Hell, if I were Remington, I’d even try and subpoena Santa’s 2012 “Naughty or Nice” list.


I mean, why it’s entirely possible that some of these kids owed money to loan sharks and had acquired serious gambling debts.  As any Fox News host will tell you, it’s important to keep an open mind about things, whether they are true or not.  


Of course, a subpoena like this could complicate things for folks like conspiracy theorist Alex Jones.  After all, it must be difficult to explain why a gun manufacturer would want to obtain disciplinary records for murdered children, who Jones claims never even existed.  That said, if you a fan of Infowars, don’t worry - I’m sure he’ll come up with something.


Johnny Robish Comedy

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