You've Got to Be Kidding?

Giuliani Quits Law Firm After a Week Of Unhinged Interviews:  After a week of what many felt were totally unhinged media appearances since becoming one of President Trump’s personal attorneys, former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani and the Greenberg Traurig law firm abruptly announced that Giuliani had “resigned” - effective immediately.    Wow, that sure didn’t take long!  Why he was escorted out of that job faster than you can say “Stormy Daniels.”  On the other hand, I have to assume “resigning” is way better than being thrown out of a 45th floor office tower window.  And to be completely honest, after watching some of his media appearances, I wasn’t quite clear as to whether Rudy was actually working for - the defense or the prosecution.   But in all fairness - it does take time to memorize all the “alternative facts” the White house has offered in this case.  Anyway, after Trump fires him in a month or two, I'm sensing Rudy’s next b...

Twelve Tons of Liquid Chocolate Spilled Onto Polish Highway:  Polish commuters encountered a stretch of highway completely bathed in chocolate after a tanker truck overturned in the early morning.  That's it - from this point on, I'm carrying a spoon in the glove compartment!  Shame it didn't collide with a milk truck.  Who knew that when you order “Rocky Road” in Poland - its served with asphalt?  They conveniently don’t mention that in the tour books. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Bill O’Reilly Offers To Stand Next to Sarah Sanders and Handle Reporters:   Former Fox News host Bill O’Reilly offered to stand next to White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders to help her handle reporters who get out of line.  That would be terrific if he stands beside her.  That way, we could hear all their lies in stereo. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Two Studies Conform Neanderthal DNA Found in Humans: ...

New Research Finds T-Rex Was As Smart As a Chimp:   While the Tyrannosaurus rex is commonly known as the greatest predator, its never been known for its intelligence, but a new book by paleontologist Steve Brusatte claims that the beast was a smart as a chimpanzee.  Come on, we’re supposed to believe that?  I mean, who the hell’s gonna give an IQ test to a Tyrannosaurus? https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Leopard Snatches and Eats Toddler at National Park in Uganda:   Authorities say a leopard who snatched and ate a child at a National Park in Uganda - will have to be removed from the wild - because once it has eaten human flesh, the temptation is far too high to eat another human being.  Why do they always say that?  We can’t be that delicious!  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Nationwide Thefts of Tide Detergent Reported:  Authorities nationwide are reporting a huge spike in thefts of Tide detergent which are then so...

No Nobel Prize in Literature this Year Due to Sex Allegations:   The Swedish Academy has announced it will postpone the 2018 Nobel Prize in Literature in the wake of a scandal over sexual assault allegations.  So if I’m understanding this correctly, these guys were basically turning the Noble Prize in Literature into a Nobel “Piece” Prize. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Trump Angers Britain and France Over Gun Law Remarks:  During a speech to the National Rifle Association convention in Dallas, President Trump managed to angry both Britain and France when he attacked their gun laws - claiming “knives, knives, knives” have turned the UK into a war zone.  “Knives, knives, knives," says the man who slashed the shower curtains in the Bates Motel. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Amazon Founder Bought Washington Post With Cash:  Its being reported that when Amazon founder Jeffrey  P. Bozos bought the Washington Post, he...

Study Finds Plants Communicate With Each Other Underground:  It sounds like the stuff of science fiction, but scientists have found that plants actually use a subterranean communication system to talk to each other - using underground signals sent through their roots to help stressed neighbors.  Perhaps its better for everyone concerned that they’re talking underground.  After all, if they’re communicating through their roots which are down in the dirt, it doesn’t take a frigg’n genius to figure out they’re probably talking dirty. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Biologists Say Strange Ocean Creatures Trap Their Food In Net of Mucus:   Biologists say they’ve found a unique class of “grazer” sea creatures, who are known to trap their food in a massive net of mucus.  Big deal, I’ve seen people in public restrooms do that! https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Swedish Inmate Escapes Prison and Goes to Dentist:  A Swedish inmate had suc...

Brinks Truck Dumps Hundreds of Thousands of Dollars On Interstate:   Drivers on Interstate 70 near Indianapolis were in for a pleasant surprise after the security door of a Brinks truck flew open, depositing an estimated $600,000 out onto the highway.  In the aftermath, local authorities are warning citizens that they could be charged with theft if they don’t return the money. Wow, yet another shining example of the Brinks Corporation giving back to the community.  Talk about trickle down economics!  Why - as far as I’m concerned, police should be ashamed of themselves - threatening to charge those good samaritans volunteering to clean up all that trash Brinks dumped all over the highway.  Why if anyone should be charged, it should be Brinks - for littering.    Now as most of you know,  I’m not all that good at math, but I’m guessing there’s roughly a 1 in 600,000 chance of people ever returning the money back.  People be like - “...

Some Suspect Earth’s Magnetic Poles About to Flip:   A new theory being proposed is that the Earth’s magnetic poles may be about to flip for the first time in 786,000 years.  Scientists say that even if it does happen, humans should be OK overall - but birds who typically migrate using magnetic guidance may now be forced to download the Waze app in order to navigate their way past Cleveland every summer.  Otherwise, about the only other thing people will notice is that they’ll now need to place the batteries into their electronic devices backwards. http://www.johnnyrobish.com Last Ice Age Affected Breastfeeding in Native Americans:   Scientists at UC Berkeley say that the last ice age may have caused a genetic mutation in Native Americans which causes the breasts to provide more fat and vitamin D to infants.  So I’m guessing before that, the only thing available in breastfeeding was either 2% or skim milk?  http://www.johnnyrobish.com...