You've Got to Be Kidding?

MyPillow CEO Heaps Praise on Trump at Coronavirus Briefing:   President Trump turned a recent coronavirus briefing into an infomercial, when he asked a number of his CEO pals to speak at the briefing - all of whom heaped praise on the President.  But, perhaps none as much as MyPillow CEO Mike Lindell, who has repeatedly called Donald Trump the “greatest president” in American history and someone who was “chosen by God.” Goodness, now that was some heavy-duty “pillow talk” on the part of MyPillow CEO Mike Lindell.  Wonder who the President will invite to his next coronavirus briefing?  My guess is, we’re not all that far from seeing the likes of Kanye West, Gary Busey, Kid Rock, and Ted Nugent up there at the podium, proudly addressing the nation’s coronavirus concerns - as only they can do.     That said, Trump’s really on to something here.   America doesn’t wanna hear a bunch of medical hacks talking all that sciency stuff at these briefi...

Trump Accuses Hospital Workers of Stealing And Selling Face Masks:   During an absolutely bizarre press conference Sunday evening, President Donald Trump decided to accuse New York hospital workers of stealing and possibly selling face masks “out the back door.” Wow, perfect move!  Can’t think of a better time to launch an attack on hospital workers.  And, I’m sure it’s all true.  After all, Trump heard it first-hand - from a guy who knew a guy who saw it written somewhere on the internet.  But why stop at attacking hospital workers?  How about spinning up one of your famous yarns about Hunter Biden - selling stolen face masks to Ukraine or something?   I mean, think how great a story like that - would go over at one of those pep rallies of yours.  Oh wait - I’m sorry!  I forgot!  You can’t hold those rallies anymore, because of that damn virus.  Hey, I got an idea!  Assign AG Barr to position himself right outside...

Trump Now Bragging About TV Ratings for Coronavirus Briefings:   President Trump took to Twitter on Sunday and repeatedly bragged about the television ratings of the near-daily coronavirus briefings - which many say he has managed to hijack - describing them as “Bachelor finale and Monday Night Football type numbers.” Gosh, silly me!  And here I thought those briefings were supposed to be about the coronavirus, not Donald Trump.  My take is, folks watch his briefings for about the same reason they watch NASCAR, they know a huge wreck is about to take place! Now, I don’t know about you guys, but really don’t pay all much attention to those coronavirus briefings until after the “Trump Show” portion of it is over - you know, when the adults finally take the podium.   Of course, in all fairness, under Trump’s leadership, America has now managed to become number one in the world for coronavirus cases.  That ought to count for something. https://...

UK’s Brexit Government Now Claims It Didn’t See EU Ventilator E-Mail:   After initially labeling the coronavirus a hoax and proclaiming they would never take part in an EU effort to acquire more ventilators because “we are no longer a member of the EU,” the conservative UK government at Downing Street is now claiming they failed to take part in the ventilator acquisition plan - because they didn’t see the emails.   Gee, not to be overly cynical, but that sounds strangely similar to one of those tall tales which fellow white nationalist and American President Donald Trump is so darn fond of spinning.   In fact, I believe it’s commonly referred to as the “dog ate my e-mails” defense in legal circles - but, as you know, I’m not an attorney, so please make sure to consult with reputable legal counsel before actually using that excuse.  So, it appears that after Brexit, those celebratory conservative Tories must have just said “screw them,” and decided to ...

Trump Signals Break with Medical Experts as His Base Attacks Fauci:   Conservative commentators report that President Trump and his base are now taking aim at the nation’s top infectious diseases expert - Dr Anthony S. Fauci, who has given interviews which frequently contradict Trump’s point of view on issues such as bringing the American workforce back on the job by Easter. So, Trump says he wants to bring Americans back to work by Easter?  Not to sound critical, but isn’t sending people back to work during a pandemic - basically the moral equivalent of mailing Rush Limbaugh more cigarettes?  Anyway, one thing’s for sure, if Donald Trump does bring everyone back to work, Jesus isn’t gonna be the only thing that rises over Easter - because those coronavirus numbers are gonna blast higher than Elon Musk’s Falcon 9 rockets. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Man Accused of Licking Deodorants in Missouri Walmart:   A Missouri man has been arrested and charged with making a terrorist threat, after posting a video to social media from a local Walmart in which he proclaimed "Who's scared of the coronavirus? and “Don't touch your mouth" before he proceeded to lick a row of deodorants on the store shelf. Hell, why would this guy be afraid of the coronavirus?  I mean, let’s be honest.  Once you’ve swallowed as many Tide Pods as this guy has, what harm’s a little coronavirus gonna do? And, I suppose it’s a damn good thing he’s not afraid of the coronavirus, because word has it those County jails in Missouri - are now including it in their welcome baskets. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Sen. Rand Paul First US Senator to Test Positive for COVID - 19:  It’s turning out politicians aren’t immune to the coronavirus either, as Republican Sen. Rand Paul has become the first senator to test positive for coronavirus, Sen Amy Klobuchar says her husband has it and German Chancellor Angela Merkel is currently isolating herself - awaiting results of her test. Despite what many may have read, President Trump has also been very conscientious about isolating himself.   Unfortunately, not from other people who may have the virus, but from all the pertinent scientific information about the virus. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Megachurch Pastor Jeffress Finally Relents and Moves Services Online:   Ardent Trump supporter, Dallas megachurch pastor and frequent Fox News contributor Robert Jeffress, who uses his pulpit to espouse his ultra-conservative, small-government views, has finally relented after much criticism from health officials - and agreed to move his services online. Hey, give the poor guy a break.  He had to wait until the church was fully set-up to receive online payments for heaven’s sake.  You can’t run a "Prosperity Gospel” without cash flowing in.  As we all know, those mansions and private jets aren’t going to pay for themselves. So, I suppose this means the sermons will be online for the foreseeable future.  I know this has be kind of a letdown for everyone, especially after that giant coronavirus “incubation and Transmit” get-together they held last Sunday at the church.   But, just hold tight fellow parishioners, because before you know it, this...

Spring Breakers in Miami Say Coronavirus Won’t Stop Them from Partying:   A widely viewed video is stirring up quite a bit of controversy - with the video showing spring breakers in Miami totally downplaying the threat of the coronavirus pandemic and the need for social distancing, with one kid declaring "If I get corona, I get corona - at the end of the day, I'm not going to let it stop me from partying.” Wow, “if I get corona, I get corona?”  Now, I could be wrong about this, but it sure looks to me like this guy’s already had plenty of Coronas.   I’m telling ya!  These kids today - with their Elvis Presley records, their white t-shirts, their hula hoops and that greased-back hair.  Geez!   Why, back in my day, most students spent their spring breaks in solitary prayer and meditation.  Darn, what a shame we didn’t have cameras all over the place like we do today, so I could verify that for you. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Walmart to Hire 150,000 and Give $550 Million in Cash Bonuses:  Walmart, the nation’s largest private employer, announced plans to hire 150,000 hourly associates in the U.S. as well as hand out $550 million in cash bonuses to reward workers amid the coronavirus pandemic. Now, to be completely honest, I’ve never had a desire to even shop - let alone work at a Walmart - but, if I’m reading this correctly, and they’re willing to give me a $550 million signing bonus, I’d surely consider it. So, what’s next?  My guess is - it’ll be President Trump taking to Twitter to brag about the 150,000 jobs he and the coronavirus have just created. But all kidding aside, you’re telling me Walmart is actually planning to give ordinary workers bonuses?  Now, the last thing I’d ever wanna do is alarm anyone, but isn’t that the first sign of the apocalypse? https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Trump Invokes Defense Production Act:   At a White House press conference, President Trump claimed the COVID-19 crises was “a very unforeseen thing,” and then invoked the Defense Production Act (DPA), a set of emergency powers that give the federal government the ability to ramp up the production of medical supplies such as masks, ventilators, gloves and other equipment to help the U.S. medical system respond to coronavirus cases. Wait a minute, I thought the administration deals with situations like these with “thoughts and prayers?”  If not, what the hell’s the point of putting someone with absolutely no medical background whatsoever like Mike Pence in charge?   So, does enacting the Defense Production Act (DPA) mean the administration no longer considers coronavirus crises to be a huge hoax anymore?  Of course, in all fairness, who could have known a coronavirus hoax could be so costly?      Anyway, speaking of ramping up production, ...

Coronavirus Truthers Preying on the Anxieties of the Moment:   As the global coronavirus outbreak continues to spread fear and uncertainty throughout the country, many conservative Republican commentators have seen this as an opportunity to float wild conspiracy theories about what’s behind the outbreak, such as former Milwaukee County Sheriff David Clarke, who considers all this coronavirus stuff a giant hoax, and is now urging citizens to take to the streets to prevent the coronavirus from taking away all our freedoms as Americans. Yeah well, I suggest Sheriff Clarke should perhaps stick to commenting about things where he actually has some expertise - like donuts. On the other hand, it is rather encouraging to see that the Republican party is finally diversifying a bit - and that they’ve now welcomed “the Cowboy” from the Village People into their ranks. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

MSNBC Guest Calls Meghan Markle 5 Clicks Up From Trailer Trash:   While discussing Prince Harry and Duchess Meghan preparing to step back from their royal duties this month, MSNBC guest commentator Victoria Mather claimed to be speaking on behalf of the British public, when she described the Duchess of Sussex as someone just “five clicks up from trailer trash.” Good grief, pretty harsh words - indeed!  I guess she must have felt that the Royal Family ought to stick with a more “quality” stock of people - you know, folks like Prince Andrew. That said, I’m not one of those folks who really cares, one way or another, about the goings-on in the British Royal Family, but I do have to admit I’m rather shocked to learn that "royal watcher,” is now considered a job title.     Well then, given that Ms. Mather was quickly dismissed from several of the news outlets where she had been a contributor, I suppose it’s also pretty safe to conclude that she’s just “two cl...

Hannity Claims Deep State May Be Using Coronavirus to Hurt Economy:   Fox News host and unofficial Trump advisor Sean Hannity, is once again downplaying coronavirus outbreak concerns and floating unsubstantiated internet rumors that the “deep state” is using the coronavirus pandemic to undermine the beautiful job Trump is doing on the economy and pushing “mandated medicines.” So, I guess this pretty much confirms that the journalistic standards over at FOX News can be basically reduced right down to a simple “I read it somewhere on the internet.”   Well, at least that simplifies things.  No more time and money wasted on fact-checking.  Hell, most everyone knows that speculating on rumors which “might be true,” works just fine for Fox viewers anyway.  But gee, who knew South Korea, Northern Italy and Wuhan, China - were all part of the US deep state? Anyway, not to sound critical, but I would suggest that many of those folks who spend so much thei...

Tom Hanks and Wife Rita Test Positive for the Coronavirus:   Actor Tom Hanks announced on social media that he and his wife, the actress Rita Wilson, have tested positive for coronavirus. Now, wait a just a doggone minute!  Just what the hell kind of twisted, demented, dystopian world are we living in, when people like Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson come down with the dreaded coronavirus, yet Donald Trump is still happily galavanting around the country, holding his P. T. Barnum-style pep rallies - and telling everyone that the coronavirus is fake news? https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Bloomberg Campaign Staffers Offered Chance to Keep iPhones and Laptops:   Former Bloomberg Campaign staffers just received an email, informing them they have the option to keep their work-provided iPhones and laptops as a kind of severance pay - but also warned that employees will still liable to pay taxes on those items. OK, and that’s all just fine and good - but the truth...

Trump Claims Coronavirus Like Common Flu and Market Drop Fake News:  After spending the weekend enjoying golf and fine dining, President Trump returned to Washington and immediately began attacking former President Barack Obama and the “fake news” media, over its coverage of the deadly coronavirus outbreak - which he claims is “just like the common flu,” placing the blame for the stock market’s massive plunge, on the media’s negative coronavirus coverage. Wait a minute!  Are you telling me that all this catastrophic news we’ve been hearing lately is all Barack Obama’s fault?  Why, what the hell ever happened to Hillary Clinton or Hunter Biden?  What are they now - chopped liver? Meanwhile, to prevent even more government officials from being exposed to the virus, the Trump Administration has decided that until further notice, White House staffers should work from home - and President Trump, should “work" from his Florida golf resort. https://www.johnnyr...

Sen. Ted Cruz to Self-Quarantine After Interacting With Coronavirus Victim:   Sen Ted Cruz said he would self-quarantine himself from work after interacting with a person at the conservative CPAC conference, who later tested positive for the coronavirus. Wait a minute!  Shouldn’t he at least first call a meeting with Mitch McConnell, Lindsey Graham and the President, just to run it by them and get their OK?  After all, President Trump did say it was OK for everyone to go to work. In contrast, President Trump says he’s not the slightest bit worried about the coronavirus arriving in the Washington DC area, and sees no need to self-quarantine himself from work.  Can’t argue with that.  I mean hell, it isn’t exactly like he ever does any work anyway. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Sweep of Arrests Hit US Neo-Nazi Group Connected to Five Murders:   After pressure from law enforcement, journalists and anti-fascist activists, the Trump administration has finally acted and arrested five senior members of the heavily armed neo-Nazi Atomwaffen Division (AWD) across the US - an organization associated with at least five murders. Look, as I’m sure as any Trump follower will quickly tell you, just because these folks happen to be neo-Nazis, white supremacists and paranoid conspiracy theorists - doesn’t necessarily make them all bad people.  Sure, these folks are accused of 5 murders, but it’s nothing personal - it’s just racism.   Why, these are just your typical soccer moms and dads, attending their kid’s high school football games on Friday nights, Saturday morning is combat training and learning how to overthrow the Deep State, Sunday morning is church and prayer, followed by bomb making classes and, later in the afternoon, a nice picnic lunc...

Televangelist Jim Bakker Ordered To Stop Selling Fake Coronavirus Cure:   New York’s Attorney General has given the Jim Bakker Show 10 days to comply with a cease-and-desist letter that orders Bakker to stop touting his “Silver Solution” products, which he claims will cure the coronavirus in just 12 hours.  No kidding - you mean to tell me that Jim Bakker, the Walmart Antichrist - is still in business?  Sounds like that dude’s got it goin on!  And now he’s got himself a homemade “silver solution” that cures the coronavirus in just 12 hours?   Wow, it’s a damn good thing these televangelists work tax free!  That means more money guys like Bakker can throw into their epidemiological scientific research.  Now, I suppose about the only thing left, is for President Trump to award him one of those “Medal of Freedom” thingies he loves to give out. And, if that wasn’t exciting enough, now that we have the Jim Bakker “Silver Solution” coronaviru...

Trump Says Folks With Mild Coronavirus Can Still Go To Work:   In a recent interview with Sean Hannity on Fox News, Donald Trump contradicted his own public health officials as well as experts at the World Health Organization (WHO), by claiming their 3.4% official global coronavirus death rate was just a “false number” and that he has a “hunch” it’s very much lower.  He then suggested to Hannity that people with “mild” coronavirus symptoms could still go to work. So, let me get this straight, we have the President of the United States actually recommending that people ignore the advice of doctors and health professionals regarding a potentially deadly disease and return to work ill - all because he has a “hunch?”   I mean, what the hell?  Have we all somehow been transported into the middle of some Stephen King novel?  You know what?  Quite a few of the rest of us have a hunch too.  Our hunch is, that this President and his brown-nosing lac...

Study Finds Half of World’s Beaches Will Disappear by 2100:   A new study determined that climate change will result in half of the world’s beaches disappearing by the year 2100 due to sea-level rise and erosion from storms.  Oh damn, there goes my 2100 vacation plans. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Polar Bears Not Descended From Brown Bears:  After analyzing DNA samples from the two species, scientists have concluded that polar bears are not directly related to brown bears.  Well, I guess that pretty much explains the chilly reception brown bears get - every time they come up to visit the polar bears over the holidays.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com  Study Claims People Feel Worse After Visiting Facebook:  A new study says that one in three people feel worse after visiting a “friend’s” Facebook profile.  To be honest, I don’t feel any worse after I visit Facebook - I just feel a little more stupid.

China Prepares for Possible Locust Invasion:   A government body is warning that China may soon face a desert locust invasion, and is urging local authorities to plan for the potential arrival of the voracious insects from neighboring Pakistan and India. Well, one thing’s for sure, with the coronavirus going full blast, locusts are about the only thing willing to travel to China these days.  But come on!  First the plague - now locusts?  Now, I’m not one for conspiracy theories, but if the Yellow River turns blood red, I’m outa here. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Trump Wants to Cut Taxes to Battle the Coronavirus:   Donald Trump attacked Democrats at a mass rally a few days ago in South Carolina, telling the crowd that the coronavirus is under control, all the hysteria around it is simply “a hoax,” and that the Administration is considering more tax cuts to counter the coronavirus’ effect on the economy. Whew!  I’m sure the American public is relieved to learn all this coronavirus stuff is just a hoax.  And you know what, that tax cut idea of his just might work.  Why, it’s long been known in certain medical circles that viruses can’t survive very long without a strong tax revenue stream from billionaires. And, it’s it turns out it’s not just viruses that are affected.  In fact, I have a rotator cuff injury from the gym, and the doctor told me flat-out, that about the only thing that can be done with such a serious injury - is to cut taxes for the billionaires.  All I can say is, these Trump people really...