Tyson Foods CFO Arrested After Being Found Drunk and Passed Out in Strange House

John R. Tyson, the 32-year-old heir, and chief financial officer of Tyson Foods, has been arrested after being found disrobed, reeking of alcohol, and sleeping in a bedroom of a home occupied by a family he did not even know. A woman who lived in the home discovered Tyson and immediately called the police. Authorities say it took several attempts to wake the drunken Tyson up, and when they finally did, he immediately passed out again. John R. Tyson is the son of company chairman John H. Tyson.

Now, is it just me, or is Mr. Tyson taking Tyson’s “free range” slogan a bit too far? Geez, what a total public relations fiasco for Tyson this must be! I mean, about the only way this could have turned out worse for Tyson Foods, would be if the house that Mr. Tyson passed out in - had turned out to be the Hormel Foods family estate. Folks, this is yet another example of why “nepotism and alcoholism” don’t mix. All I can say is, lucky for Tyson he didn't end up at Madison Cawthorn’s house.

Anyway, no need to worry, because I’m sure authorities will get to the bottom of this. Frankly, this sounds like a case for the man with that shiny magic badge, Detective Herschel Walker. Why Walker would head right down to Tyson’s chicken processing plant, and demand to know egg-zactly what was going on. And, Walker knows he’ll need to start his investigation right at the top - ‘cause chicken processing companies have a real strong pecking order. Detective Walker’s no “dumb cluck,” after all.

I can tell you one thing for sure - after pulling a stunt like this, Mr. Tyson just might find himself in line to become a future MAGA Republican presidential nominee. Of course, as we all know, truly wealthy young men like our John R. Tyson rarely tend to want to become actual politicians themselves - not when they can just buy one. As for me - well, I never cry when Chicken Heirs, come (to the wrong) home to roost.

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