Skip to main content

Inquest Finds Irish Man was Killed by Belligerent Chicken


The Irish Examiner reports an inquest into the mysterious April 2022 death of a 67-year-old Irish man named Jasper Kraus, found semi-conscious and lying in a pool of blood on his kitchen floor by his tenant, has just determined it was an "aggressive" Brahma rooster who was responsible for killing the man.  Tenant Corey O’Keeffe called emergency services immediately after finding Mr. Kraus, and they talked him through staunching the bleeding and performing CPR during the 25-minute wait for paramedics to arrive at the rural home, during which Mr. Kraus sadly expired.  According to O’Keeffe's testimony, Mr. Kraus’ final words were simply “Rooster." 

Not surprisingly, not long after arriving on the scene, police say they began to suspect fowl play.  Fair enough, but I have to admit that when I woke up this morning, I wasn’t expecting to read an article about a chicken killing a man, and yet here we are.  Now, you can call me old-fashioned, but I prefer the good old days when it was always the butler who did it - not some damn chicken.

So, I guess if there’s a lesson to be learned from this horrible tragedy, it would be “your odds of getting killed by a chicken, are never zero!”  Let’s face it, folks, “awareness” is everything.  “Why’d the chicken cross the road?”  Well, now we know.  Keep in mind, chickens outnumber humans by 3 to 1 on this planet.  Could this be the beginning of "Planet of the Chickens?”  Consider yourself warned!

I mean, when you think about it, the poor guy was actually killed by his own cock.  All I can say is, its a good thing that they found the damn bird because this chicken meant business.  It wasn't clucking around.  The funny thing is, it turns out the big rooster was a wee bit over-sensitive too.  Apparently, the man had been warned several times before, “For God's sake, don't call him, “chicken."

So, how can a chicken kill a full-grown man, you may ask?  Well, some neighbors claim that the man must have been “henpecked.”  Others say that theory is for the birds.  Now, I don’t know about all that, but I did read that the bird claimed that “the man tasted a lot like chicken.”  Alright, I realize it’s not very plucking nice to crack yolks at a time like this, but I really can’t help myself.

Anyway, during the trial, the chicken’s lawyer argued that we shouldn’t think of this as “murder,” but more like a “Personal Fowl,” punishable by a 15-yard penalty.  Naturally, the court didn’t buy it and ruled the penalty for this crime should be administered by Col. Sanders.  Its called “Finger Lickin' Justice!”  And, I guess that makes good sense because, as any cardiologist can tell you, Col. Sanders has been killing people with chicken for years.


If you’ve enjoyed what you’ve just read, please consider joining me at:

Johnny Robish Comedy

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Marjorie Taylor Greene Claims Pete Buttigieg Emasculating Driving With Electric Cars

During a segment on Neil Cavuto’s Fox News program, US Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg was told by the host that Marjorie Taylor Greene is claiming "Mr. Buttigieg is trying to emasculate the way we drive" by supporting electric vehicles.  In response, Buttigieg told Cavuto that “my sense of manhood is not connected to whether my vehicle is fueled by gasoline, or whether it's fueled by electricity.”  When asked by Cavuto if he was offended by what Greene said, Buttigieg remarked "To be honest, there are other members of Congress that I pay more attention to when I'm thinking about opinions that really matter.” Oh, come on now!  Let’s get real.  It would take a helluva lot more than an electric car to “emasculate” Marjorie Taylor Greene.  Besides, I’m pretty sure “real men” actually ride horses, anyway.  Of course, I’m certainly no psychiatrist, but it sounds like Greene’s anger could be a combination of both “road rage” and “roid rage,” leaving her...

Trump Takes to Truth Social to Spread ‘Roomer’ About Ron DeSantis

Former president Donald Trump just shared some juicy gossip about Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis on his Truth Social platform.   Trump posted, “Roomer (sic) are (sic) strong in political circles that Ron DeSanctimonious, whose Presidential run is a shambles, and whose poll numbers have absolutely crashed, putting him 3rd and 4th in some states, will be dropping out of the Presidential race in order to run, in Florida, against Rick Scott for Senate.   Now that’s an interesting one, isn’t it?” Gee, Donald Trump spreading “roomers?”  Say it ain’t so!   Now, me thinks perhaps that prestigious Wharton School of Business Trump attended might want to consider adding some basic 3rd-grade spelling classes to its curriculum.   Apparently, Trump is stalled at that level of language development where he is still spelling words phonetically.   Why his poor spelling makes him look like a real “looser.”   Frankly, I’m not sure its a wise choice for Republicans to choose ...

Mike Huckabee Claims COVID-19 Death Risk Small and Sin Risk Lethal

Mike Huckabee Claims COVID-19 Death Risk Small and Sin Risk Lethal:   Former Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee has stirred some controversy with medical professionals by claiming that the risk of death from coronavirus is very “minimal,” but “sin is 100% lethal. Oh, really Mike?  Then how about showing me a death certificate which lists “sin” as the primary cause of death.  Of course, the fact is, sin couldn’t be 100% lethal, or a guy like me wouldn’t even be alive to write this.   On the other hand, maybe you’re on to something Mike - and sin really is lethal, and I secretly used a “ghostwriter” to write this joke. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com