You've Got to Be Kidding?

Mike Pompeo Joined Trump On Call With Ukrainian President:   The Wall Street Journal reports that a senior State Department official says Secretary of State Mike Pompeo actually took part in the now-infamous July 25th call between President Donald Trump and Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky. Hum, it seems the plot thickens!  And I’m quite sure the BS will also.  I mean, it was just a couple of weeks ago when Secretary Pompeo completely denied having any knowledge of the phone call.  Why, it’s almost as if the Trump Administration is trying to cover something up.  And, as if confessing to their crimes right on national TV wasn’t dumb enough, these morons also mistakenly e-mailed the DNC - all of the talking points they plan to use to defend Trump's criminal actions.  I tell you, these have to be some of the dumbest crooks ever.  Anyway, so we now have Trump, Barr, Rudy and Pompeo - so many traitors, so little time.  And poor ...

Giuliani Claims Pompeo Knew He Pushed Ukraine to Investigate Biden:  President Donald Trump's personal attorney Rudy Giuliani, seemed to be trying to implicate Secretary of State Mike Pompeo when he made the rounds on Sunday’s talk show circuit, claiming Pompeo was well-aware of his efforts to persuade Ukrainian authorities to investigate former Vice President Joe Biden. Rudy keeps claiming he was talking to the Ukrainians at the behest of the State Department.  OK, I get that.  So he’s been working for the State Department, but for which country?   Hell, it’s getting to the point where Congress has been gathering so much damning evidence, just from watching Rudy and Trump incriminate themselves on live TV, they might not even need anyone to testifying at the damn impeachment hearings.   Good grief, this administration has been eating their own so fast, they’re damn-near in danger of being charged with cannibalism.  Of course, Trump will most...

New Report Finds Russians Used Greed to Capture the NRA:   A year-long Senate finance committee investigation found that ties between the National Rifle Association (NRA) and influential Russians were both substantial and lucrative enough, to render the politically powerful gun lobby an “asset” of Russia. No kidding - an asset of Russia?  Hell, the guy who lives just down the street from me is a huge gun enthusiast.  I should probably drop by and ask him how many Rubles it takes these days to get an NRA membership. Now, the NRA has recently taken a lot of slack for opposing legislation geared toward preventing people with severe mental health issues from owning guns, but I aways understood the NRA position on the matter.  After all, if the mentally ill couldn’t own guns, then who the hell they supposed to get to join the NRA?   Of course, in all fairness, I’m sure it’s all purely coincidental that just about every single Republican or conservati...

Giuliani Cancels Paid Appearance at Kremlin-Backed Dinner Conference:   After it was reported in the Washington Post, Rudy Giuliani abruptly canceled his scheduled paid appearance at a Kremlin-backed dinner conference next week, which will be attended by Russian President Vladi­mir Putin and led by Sergey Glazyev, Putin’s longtime adviser who’s been under U.S. sanctions since Russia’s invasion of Ukraine five years ago. All I can say, the way things are going, it won’t be long before the only “dinners” Rudy will be attending will be in a Federal prison mess hall.  I mean, Rudy has essentially gone from being America’s Mayor - to more like Moscow’s Mayor.   What I wanna know is, who in their right mind would agree to be Trump’s lawyer after what happened to Michael Cohen?  Doesn’t he know Trump threw Cohen under the bus?  Of course, Rudy’s become so wacky lately, there’s no telling what the hell he’s thinking anymore. Interestingly, there’s be...

Pastor Claims God Will Punish Democrats for Trying to Impeach Trump:   Right-wing televangelist and conspiracy theorist Chris McDonald, told his followers that Christians who oppose Donald Trump are betraying God , adding that God will now destroy the entire Democratic Party for opening up an impeachment inquiry - which is based entirely on false accusations. OK, but if its God’s plan to destroy the Democrats, God must have really bad eyesight, because he’s been repeatedly sending all kinds of tornadoes and floods - right smack through the damn Bible Belt. Anyway, my question is, how can these charges be considered false accusations, when idiot Donald Trump and his wack-a-doodle attorney Rudy Giuliani have already admitted doing them - right on national television?   One thing’s for sure, it’s a damn good thing Trump won that last election, because as any good Trump supporter knows, Hillary and the Democrats were preparing to put all the Christians in camps and ...

BREAKING NEWS - Mexico Will Pay for Trump’s Impeachment:   According to a heavily “redacted transcript” of President Trump’s conversation with Ukrainian President Volodymr Zelensky, Donald Trump repeatedly tried to pressure the Ukrainian President to investigate former Vice President Joe Biden and his son during a phone call last July 25th.  Well now, how delightful to think our taxpayer dollars, allocated by Congress and ultimately designated to aid the citizens of Ukraine, are being used by the White House as barter for the Trump reelection campaign! And funny how, with impeachment looming, some folks are pointing out similarities between Donald Trump and Richard Nixon, but I think comparing Trump to Nixon is like comparing an apple to an orange.  Nixon is the apple and - Trump is orange. Of course, in Trump’s defense, he is claiming that his call to Ukrainian President Zelenskiy was just “perfect,” and he’s absolutely right about that.  It was a pe...

Tropical Storm Karen Forms in the Atlantic:  Tropical Storm Karen has formed in the Atlantic and is moving through the Southern Windward islands and could possibly hit storm-ravaged  Puerto Rico by early next week. Speaking to reporters, President Trump said “it’s of course, way too early to know for sure what direction the storm is headed.”  Adding that “all we know at this point is, it’s gonna do one helluva lotta damage in Alabama.”  Staff, at the National Weather Service, still reeling over being contradicted about Hurricane Dorian’s path by Trump’s NOAA appointees, have confirmed that Alabama is in the direct path of President Trump's sharpie.   In response, and to prevent any further possible confusion, staff at the NWS are suggesting it might be a good idea at this point to just rename the damn thing “Tropical Storm Sharpie.” https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

History Buff Finds Ships that Sank in 1878 in Lake Michigan:  Diver and maritime history buff Bernie Hellstrom has found two schooners which collided and sank into the icy cold depths of northern Lake Michigan more than 140 years ago.  Sadly, no survivors were found.  Scientists speculate that this is most likely because 140 years have passed and that the ship has been underwater all that time. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Texas Man Wanted for Divorcing His Wife Without Her Knowledge:   A Texas man, now on the run, faces up to 10 years in prison for allegedly filing for and completing divorce proceedings against his wife - all without her knowledge.  After learning of the situation, the court immediately dissolved the divorce decree and the man is expected to receive a “wife sentence.” https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com World’s Rarest Bat Living on Golf Course in Miami:  The world’s rarest bat - the “Bonneted bat - has been disco...

Report Says Trump Pressured Ukraine to Investigate Biden's Family:   A new report claims Donald Trump and his personal attorney Rudy Giuliani repeatedly pressured Ukraine’s new leader Volodymyr Zelensky at least eight times to investigate potential 2020 rival Joe Biden and his family. So, it seems on the one hand, you have a whistleblower claiming Trump pressured the Ukraine to interfere in a U.S. election.  And, on the other hand, you have Trump's personal lawyer Rudy Giuliani going on Chris Cuomo’s MSNBC show and actually inadvertently admitting he and Trump pressured the Ukraine to interfere in a U.S. election.  Gee, I just don't know who to believe. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Justice Department Accused of Blocking Whistleblower Disclosure:  U.S. House Intelligence Committee chairman Adam Schiff has accused the Justice Department of blocking intelligence officials from giving Congress a whistleblower complaint reported to involve communications between President Donald Trump and a foreign leader - a charge Mr Trump is calling “fake news.” Now let’s see, the President claims he’s done nothing wrong, but then instructs his henchmen not to allow Congress to even see the complaint?  Why sure, that sounds exactly like what an innocent person would do.  And, of course it's fake news.  “Hell, I’m sure he wasn't even in the room when he was having that conversation with a foreign leader.”   And all this, coming from a guy who recently altered an official weather map with a Sharpie pen during a national emergency - to try and cover up for his own misunderstanding of the forecast.  A guy who gave Russia private meetings - after...

Pompeo Labels Attacks on Saudi Oil Facilities an Act of War:  Tensions between the United States and Iran have intensified as Secretary of State Mike Pompeo labeled the attacks on the Saudi oil industry an “act of war,” and President Trump followed up by ordering a substantial increase in sanctions against the government in Tehran. My question is, if it is an act of war, then why the hell is it our war?  I mean, didn’t we just sell Saudi Arabia something like $60 billion worth of military weaponry?  Maybe no one’s showed them how to use all that stuff yet?   One thing’s for sure though, if we do start a war with Iran, it’s just a matter of time before Supreme Commander Trump starts appearing at all his pep rallies in a well-tailored military uniform - plastered with medals all over his chest. Of course, those who don’t want another war, still have a tiny, glimmer of hope.  That being Trump may somehow figure out that running a war requires a hell...

Teen Girl With AK47 Arrested for Plan to Shoot 400 People:   An 18-year-old girl, who had been expelled from McAlester High in Oklahoma after being caught multiple times at school with a knife and a swastika, was arrested after she told co-workers she was planning to "shoot 400 people for fun" at her old high school. Wow, I’ll have to assume she may have misunderstood her guidance councilors when they told her to “dream big.”  Of course, I’m sure Trump, the NRA and the all the Republicans are gonna put the blame squarely on the dreaded video games.  OK, if that’s the case, I guess that means the cops ought to let her keep her guns, and just confiscate her video games?  Problem solved! Ironically, her co-workers told police she is one of those people who was always trying to convince people that “not all gun owners are bad people.”  Hell, maybe this was just her special way of demonstrating the difference?  Anyway, one thing’s for sure, she’s cert...

Joe Arpaio to Run for Maricopa County Sheriff Again:   Joe Arpaio, an 87-year-old convicted felon pardoned by President Trump and a former sheriff of Maricopa County, Ariz., who gained national notoriety for his inhumane treatment of prisoners and his disdain for immigrants, announced he will be running again for sheriff of Maricopa County.     Wow, who knew convicted criminals can run for sheriff in Arizona?  I mean, the fact Arpaio got a pardon doesn’t mean he’s innocent.  It just means he’s well connected.  After all, he was an early endorser of Donald Trump for President.  Given that, I’m surprised Trump hasn't appointed him FBI Director by now. But, regardless of the pardon, the guy was convicted of a felony - which means he can’t legally even own a gun.  I mean, even putting all the criminal convictions aside, why the hell would you elect someone sheriff who can’t legally own a gun? And what the hell will be his campaign sloga...

Trump Says US Locked and Loaded After Attacks on Saudi Oil Fields:   President Donald Trump is hinting at a US military response against Iran, declaring that the US is "locked and loaded" after drone attacks on the Saudi oil infrastructure, which he blamed on Iran. So, Donald Trump is locked and loaded is he?  On what - lithium or Wellbutrin?  Call me old fashioned, but I still prefer leaders who talk more like Winston Churchill or Franklin Delano Roosevelt - than Yosemite Sam.    Frankly, I’m rather surprised Trump’s not trying to claim the drone attacks came from California and ordering airstrikes there.  Hell, that’s one way to knock out about 55 Electoral College votes against him in 2020.   Anyway, say what you want, but my guess is that at this point in his Presidency, a lot more Americans would much prefer to see Mr. Trump “locked up” than “locked and loaded.” https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Golden Toilet Worth Over $5 Million Stolen from Blenheim Palace:  Police are investigating the theft of a newly installed $5 million, 18-carat golden toilet by Italian satirical sculptor Maurizio Cattelan, which was stolen from Blenheim Palace, England - where it was on display.   Sadly, by the time police finally arrived on the scene looking for clues, they had nothing to go on.  Now, it seems about the only option the poor cops have to crack the case - is to go house to house, asking if they can use the bathroom.   Now I don’t know if any of these thieves are poker players, but they definitely have themselves a “royal flush.”   Hell, this reminds me of when I was over at a friend’s house a while back and thought I was peeing into one of those golden toilets myself.  Unfortunately, it turned out it was actually his tuba. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Tomi Lahren Claims We Need Guns for Defense Against Immigrants:   Fox Nation host Tomi Lahren is claiming that Americans need guns in order to fight off the unlimited illegal immigrants pouring into the United States, adding that citizens need the ability to “defend themselves” because “we don’t know” who’s coming into this country. Well, she’s certainly not alone in her thinking.  I mean, there have been quite a few other well-known folks who’ve said just about the same thing.  You know, people like Dylann Roof and El Paso shooter Patrick Crusius to name a few. Of course, the 2nd Amendment does call for a well-regulated militia.”  That said, I always assumed a well-regulated militia” meant organizations like the National Guard - and pretenders like Billy Joe Bob and his pals running around acting like tough guys by walking into Popeye’s restaurants fully armed with loaded assault rifles  - not so much. Anyway, it must be difficult living in cons...

Trump Admin Preparing to Ban Flavored E-Cigarettes:  Telling reporters “we can’t allow people to get sick,”  President Trump said he is alarmed by the huge jump in vaping by young people, and announced plans for a ban on most flavored e-cigarettes. So, we “can’t allow our young people to get sick," but apparently, it’s still just fine if they get shot by assault rifles.  Wow, this President really knows his stuff.  Let’s see, 50,000 gun deaths and we do nothing, but 6 vaping deaths, and it’s a national emergency.  You know, that actually good sense, especially if you’re heavily addicted to methamphetamines.  And to be completely honest, I’m rather surprised Mr Trump and his henchmen haven’t considered forcing more teens into cages.  You know, like they do to those poor refugee kids down at the border.  Hell, that ought to stop the little bastards from vaping. Anyway, to counterbalance all these vaping bans, Mr Trump promised he’ll lo...

Study Identifies Largest Flying Creature That Ever Lived:   Scientists have finally identified and unveiled a new airplane-sized species of pterosaur named Cryodrakon boreas, which scientists say was first discovered more than 30 years ago in Alberta, Canada - a species that lorded over the primeval skies in the late Cretaceous period. Wow, isn’t it totally exciting when science make these interesting new discoveries?  Now, it’s simply a matter of time before all those YouTube videos start coming out, claiming recent sightings.  Those folks never disappoint my friends.    And, they’re saying "these remains were actually first discovered more than 30 years ago in Alberta, Canada?”  I guess that pretty much explains the red maple leaf on its back.  Wonder how the hell they were able to figure out the creature flew for Air Canada? But what the hell do I know?  I mean, I’m certainly no expert on dinosaurs, pterosaurs or even Air Canad...

Trump Claims Bahamas are Full of Bad Gang Members:   President Trump shocked reporters by telling them that he is hesitant to allow any Bahamians to enter the US after Hurricane Dorian, because the island is full of "bad gang members.” Right, “bad gang members.”  That’s as opposed to all the “good gang members” who follow him.  You know, like the KKK, the neo-Nazis and all those white-supremacist militia gangs. But come on, if Trump really thought that there’s all these “bad guys” roaming around in the Bahamas, you’d think he’d have invited them to meet with him at Camp David by now. That said, my guess is that about the only thing Donald Trump actually knows about the Bahamas is that it’s surrounded bigly, by a Yuge bunch of water. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Trump to Visit Baltimore After Calling it a Rodent Infested Mess:   Just weeks after lambasting Baltimore as a “disgusting, rat and rodent infested mess,” President Trump will soon visit the Maryland city to huddle with congressional Republicans. Well, it should be fun watching Baltimore residents turning out in force to show Mr Trump how much they really love and appreciate him.   One thing’s for sure, even if Baltimore wasn’t a “disgusting, rat and rodent infested mess” before, with all those congressional Republicans and Trump in town - it sure will be.   Of course, if Trump really wants to see the rat infested areas of Baltimore, all he really needs to do is just head over to some of the apartment complexes his son-in-law Jared Kushner owns.  On a positive note, once all those Republicans and Trump come to Baltimore, it's likely even the rats will want to high tail it the hell out of town. Makes you wonder, what city would actually welcome ...

Religious Conservatives Warn Martyrdom Awaits if Democrats Win:   Several hundred people packed a large hall inside the Catholic University of America in northeast Washington, D.C., to listen to r eligious conservatives warn of a dystopian future in which the execution of Christians for their religious beliefs will be as commonplace as it was in ancient Rome - if Democrats like Bernie Sanders win the upcoming election in 2020. No kidding!  Hell, eight years of Obama nearly wiped out all of America’s Christians, who were summarily executed with the very guns Democrats confiscated from law-abiding, evangelical gun owners.  Fortunately, enough of them survived to elect Trump president in 2016. And what a blessing Donald Trump has been for America.  Why, if it weren’t for him, poor evangelicals would most likely be spending all their time urinating in genderless bathrooms, baking cakes for gay weddings, and mass shootings would be occurring so often - they’d ...

NOAA Now Backing Trump on Alabama Hurricane Forecast:   After President Trump displayed a doctored map to try to justify his earlier false claim that Alabama was at risk of a direct hit from Hurricane Dorian, Trump-appointed officials at NOAA on Friday fired off an unsigned tweet siding with the President over their own scientists in this ongoing controversy. Now, I never dreamed it possible, but somehow Donald Trump has actually managed to politicize the “wind.”  I mean, come on - this damn NOAA statement sounds a helluva lot more like a hostage statement than a public safety notification.     Anyway, let me get this straight.  So we have a statement put out by a governmental agency, who’s ultimately responsible for the public safety, defending an inaccurate, pathetic and embarrassingly insane weather forecast issued by Donald Trump?   I mean, just how can something like this even happen?  Has no one ever read Orwell?  And speaking...

White House Press Secretary Feuds with Press Over Hurricane Graphics:   After President Trump displayed his now infamous “sharpie altered weather graphic” with a bogus path the President claimed hurricane Dorian would likely take, which caused a big stir among meteorologists, the press and on social media - both the President and White House Press Secretary Stephanie Grisham took to twitter to bitterly denounce reporters and news organizations who dared criticize him.   Wait a minute - stop!  You’re telling me the White House has a press secretary?  Are you kidding me?  I mean, who knew?  Hell, maybe they ought to consider holding a press conference - you know, to announce they have a press secretary. And now you tell me she’s been on the job for several months?  Call me old fashioned, but I always assumed that one of the White House Press secretary’s major responsibilities, was to hold press briefings?  Good grief, is it possible that...

Trump's New Ambassador to Mexico Takes Aim at Icon Frida Kahlo:  Shortly after his appointment, Donald Trump’s new ambassador to Mexico, Christopher Landau, has been stirring up a fierce social media controversy - after he took direct aim at iconic Mexican painter Frida Kahlo, over her support of Marxism. Wow, talk about a timely political move.  I mean, with all the hatred and division going on in the world today, what could be more important than bringing up the political leanings of a world renowned artist - who’s been dead for over 65 years? And what makes this criticism of Frida Kahlo especially interesting is that it’s coming from an ambassador, who’s just been appointed by a US President who has openly embraced the likes of Kim Jong-un and Vladimir Putin.   And gee, what a big surprise to think that someone as politically astute as Donald Trump, could appoint a diplomat who doesn't have any idea about how to be diplomatic?   That said, regar...

Pentagon Approves Diversion of Military Funds for Trump’s Wall:  Defense Secretary Mark T. Esper has agreed to free up $3.6 billion from the Pentagon’s budget for President Trump’s border wall, even though it will actually only build just 54.5 miles of new border fencing and effectively defund 127 military construction projects. Call me old fashioned, but I was always under the impression you’re supposed to use government funds for whatever purpose they were actually authorized to be used for.  Silly me! Wonder if anyone ever thought about the fact that if the Pentagon can so easily just surrender billions of dollars out of their budget for unrelated projects, maybe they didn’t really need the money in the first place? Tell you what, I’ve got a novel idea.  Instead of building a useless border wall to keep  desperate  refugee families out, how about building a “firewall" to keep the damn Russian hackers out? https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.c...

Trump Causes Confusion by Saying Record Storm will Hit Alabama:   The National Weather Service had to issue a statement to correct the confusion President Trump created when he claimed Hurricane Dorian - the most powerful storm to make landfall on record - was forecast to hit Alabama, even though Alabama is not among the states which experts say is threatened. Good grief, that has me a little concerned.  I mean, if that damn storm can threaten Alabama, even though Alabama is nowhere near where the storm is actually headed, what’s to stop it from turning around and heading right over here to Santa Monica?   Now of course, the truth of the matter is - Donald Trump most likely doesn’t even have slightest idea where the hell Alabama is.  We know this because he also ordered the St Louis Gateway Arch evacuated until hurricane season is completely over. That said, I do have to admit that under President Trump, we have had some of the biggest and most spectac...

Pope Francis Stuck in Vatican Elevator for 25 Minutes:   Pope Francis arrived late for his weekly address in St. Peter's Square, explaining that he had been stuck in an elevator in the Vatican for 25 minutes and had to be freed by firefighters.  Now I’m sure you skeptics will ask, “where the hell was God during all this?”  Well, it was Sunday you ignorant heathens - and it’s God’s day off.  So, all the good folks immediately got busy sending out all their “thoughts and prayers” - along with the fire department.  Problem solved! Anyway, I trust that the good Pope was ascending - and not descending in that elevator.  Now, I was about to say, “thank God for the fire department,” but I suppose the Pope will probably take care of all those formalities for me. And as we all know, elevators normally only go up and down, but it sounds a lot like the Pope was actually stuck in a situation not unlike what Catholics often refer to as “purgatory.”  G...