You've Got to Be Kidding?

Saturday Night Live Faulted for Lack of Cast Diversity:  Even with the addition of several new black cast members these past few years, Saturday Night Live is still receiving criticism from bloggers and civil rights groups for its lack of diversity.  No kidding, if the show gets any whiter, they’ll have to call it “Saturday White Live.”  One solution to the lack of diversity came from noted civil rights advocate Roseanne Barr, who suggested having white cast members work in blackface. http://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com    Origins of the Static on Your Television Set:   Scientists say that about 1% of the static on your TV is caused by the cosmic microwave background left over from the big bang.  Sadly, most of the remaining 99% appears to be coming from the Kardashians! http://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Women Say Men Holding Guitars Make Them Look Sexy:   A new study found that holding a guitar makes a man sexy to women, ...

Roseanne Barr Blames Ambien for Racist Twitter Rant:   Roseanne Barr is attempting to explain away her now infamous racist twitter rant about Valerie Jarrett - by blaming it all on the insomnia drug Ambien.  If I were her, rather than blame Ambien, I would have blamed it on Preparation H - because that’s where the best ideas from people like her usually come from.  http://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Kim Kardashian Goes to Washington to Discuss Prison Reform:   Reality star Kim Kardashian has met with President Trump and other Trump administration officials to discuss prison reform.  Attorney General Jeff Sessions expressed hope that he’ll also be able to meet with Kardashian, just to see if she has any other good ideas about how to improve our criminal justice system. http://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Man Named Fudge Accused of Stealing Desserts:  A 25-year-old Iowa City man named Conor P. Fudge is accused of stealing $501 in cash,...

Televangelist Asks Followers for New $54m Private Jet:  In a video posted to his ministry’s website, a Louisiana televangelist is asking followers to donate their money so he can purchase a brand new $54 million Falcon 7X jet which will allow him to fly anywhere in the world nonstop, which he claims the Lord wants him to do.  Yea, well I’m not so sure about that - because I just asked the Lord if he’d approve of this purchase and he told me "no way!”  My suggestion is - in lieu of money, perhaps we could send him our thoughts and prayers. http://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Study Finds Great Sex Can Cause Temporary Amnesia:  According to new research, strenuous activity such as having great sex can trigger temporary amnesia.  Well that’s kind of a shame, because its the bad sex you really wanna forget. http://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com New Study Concludes Tasers Can Be Lethal:  For the first time, amid continuing controversy and la...

Cockroach Milk Now the Latest Superfood Trend:   Experts say a rare milk crystal produced by the Pacific Beetle cockroach is catching on among superfood enthusiasts - and that’s because the cockroach milk boasts four times as much protein as cow's milk and is packed with all the essential amino acids.  Hell, that means most of the places where I go to eat should never have to buy milk again.  My question is, how the hell are you supposed to milk a cockroach? http://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Trump Claims Dead Soldiers Would Have Loved His Presidency:   President Donald Trump made Memorial Day a tribute to himself by sending out a commemorating message claiming that dead American soldiers would have loved his presidency.  And while I’m certainly no fan of Donald Trump, I suppose I’d rather have him speaking for the dead than for the rest of us.  That said, my guess is the dead are more likely rolling over in their graves - not praising Donald T...

Scientists Closer to Imaging Black Hole at Center of Milky Way:   New analysis of observations from telescopes around the world has brought scientists one step closer to  finally imaging the supermassive black hole at the center of the Milky Way, known as Sagittarius A.  Scientists say this should finally provide them with insights into the origins of our universe.  For the rest of us - well, we’ll finally get a chance to see where all those missing socks have gone. http://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Study Says Happy People Live Longer:  A new study published in the National Academy of Sciences suggests that older people who are happy have a 35 percent lower risk of dying over a five-year period than unhappy people.  Not to mention that even if they do die, they die happy. http://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com People Who Believe Obesity is a Disease Tend to Eat More:  New psychological research suggests the “obesity is a disease” m...

Scientists Find Dandruff on 125 Million-Year-Old Dinosaur:  Paleontologists report that the oldest known case of dandruff has been identified in a small feathered dinosaur that roamed the Earth about 125 million years ago.  Paleontologists say the entire dinosaur’s fossil wasn’t found, only its “head and shoulders.”  But come on - a dinosaur with a dandruff issues?  Sounds like “flake news” to me.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com  Trump Says No Apology for Ancestors Who Tamed This Continent:  President Trump addressed graduates at a Naval Academy commencement - claiming that “our ancestors tamed a continent” and “we are not going to apologize for America.”  I don’t know about apologizing for America, but I do know we certainly need to apologize for Trump.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Airlines Eliminating Limes as Citrus Prices Rise:   Its being reported that several airlines have decided to discontinu...

Candidate Who Pointed Gun At Teen in Campaign Ad Advances to Runoff:   A Republican candidate who drew attention for airing an ad where he pointed a gun at a teenager in a campaign ad has advanced to a runoff in Georgia’s GOP gubernatorial primary.   Only in the Trump’s America can a candidate point a gun at a teen shortly after the nation just experienced yet another mass school shooting and still win the Republican primary.  I’m sensing this guy is gonna be a shoe-in for this year’s winner of the annual “Dick Chaney Gun Safety Award."     Come on!  About the only thing missing in this ad is the banjo music from the movie “Deliverance.”  That said, I have to admit that today’s Republican Party is full of people who truly love about the Second Amendment.  Of course the rest of the Constitution - not so much - but they do seem to love that Second Amendment. http://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Judge Orders 30-Year-Old Man to Vacate Parents' Home:  A State Supreme Court judge ruled in favor of the parents of a 30-year-old man who had been living rent-free in his parents' Syracuse-area home for the past eight years, after his parents took him to court to have him evicted.  As for me - on the other hand - I began sensing it was time to move out toward the end of my senior year in high school, when my mom started wrapping my lunch sandwiches in road maps. http://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Produce Executive Pleads Guilty to Price Fixing:   Frederick Scott Salyer, a member of one of California’s best known farming families and the founder of SK Foods, has been released early after serving three years in prison for price-fixing fruit and vegetables.  After passing sentence, the judge asked Salyer “so how do you like them apples?” http://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Texas School’s Science Experiment Backfires:  A school in Texas had to...

Sinkhole Formed on White House North Lawn:   A small sinkhole which began forming on the White House north lawn this past week is being monitored by security to make sure it doesn’t pose a threat to the occupants and staff.  Sink hole?  My guess is it’s Melania - trying to tunnel the hell out.  She probably figured it worked for El Chapo, so its worth a try.  http://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Giant Predatory Worms Have Invaded France:   Biologists warn that giant predatory Hammerhead flatworms, which grow to a foot or more in length, have invaded France.  Now, I guess the only question that remains is has France offered its unconditional surrender and turned over all government functions to the worms yet? http://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Asteroid From Alien Star System Spotted Near Jupiter:   Scientists say they have spotted an “alien” asteroid which they believe is from another solar system, and its orbiting our sun in t...

Family Dog Follows Burglar Around Home With Tail Wagging:   A burglar broke into a Milton, Massachusetts home and was cheerfully greeted by the family's friendly dog, which merrily wagged its tail as it followed the intruder around from room to room. That’s nothing!  Hell, my last dog would have helped him carry my belongings out to his vehicle and then begged for a ride in the getaway car.  That’s why I never shared any of my passwords with the dog.  If you ask me, they should bring that dog in for questioning - and I don’t mean asking it "who's a good boy?” In related news, an NRA spokesperson issued a statement claiming that had the dog been armed, this crime might have been prevented!  I don’t know about that, but one thing’s for sure - had this thief been a “cat burglar,” there would have definitely been a different outcome.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Texas Lt Gov Blames Too Many Doors for Mass Shooting:  In response to the recent attack which killed ten at Santa Fe High School in Texas, Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick - who is an evangelical Christian and a strong NRA supporter - is claiming the problem isn’t guns, its because schools in Texas have way too many doors. Speaking of doors - is it just me, or does Lt Gov Patrick sound completely unhinged?  “Let’s see what’s behind door number 3?  Oh crap - its a shooter!”  But if doors really are the problem, perhaps we had better start screening all our doors before we use them - and after they’ve been screened, we could label them “screen doors.”  But I digress.   In the meantime, in the face of this new anti-door movement, many citizens are rebelling - declaring themselves “pro-door.”  My feeling is if you take all the doors away from the good guys, then only the bad guys will have doors.  Anyway, none of this really matters in the long run - ...

Campbell Soup Execs Warn Soup Costs Will Rise After Steel Tariffs:   Campbell Soup executives warned that they expect production costs to rise dramatically because of Trump administration tariffs on steel and aluminum.  Great, so if I’m understanding this correctly, under Trump policies - pretty soon even “soup kitchens” will be unaffordable. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Denmark Proposes Law to Make Bestiality Illegal:   A new law on the table in Denmark proposes to make sex with animals illegal, but even if it passes, bestiality is still legal in places like Finland, Hungary and Sweden.  Now that really gets my goat.  One thing’s for sure, next time some European tells me he’s an animal lover, I’ll know exactly what he talking about.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com     Trump Pushed Postmaster General to Double Rates for Amazon:  President Trump has personally pushed U.S. Postmaster General Megan Bren...

Oregon Man Opens Fire on Children’s Birthday Party with AK-47:   An Oregon man has been arrested for seriously injuring two people after he fired 12 rounds into a child’s birthday party with an AK-47 - because he felt the children were too loud. Hmm - seems like an appropriate response.  I guess I must have missed the part where he went to the house first to ask the children to quiet down.  On the other hand, you may as well just shoot first and ask questions later because those kids were probably too damn young to understand what the hell he was talking about anyway. Besides, no respectable well armed militiaman should have to go ask a bunch of little kids about anything.  I mean, the noise was so loud, the poor guy could barely hear his Lynyrd Skynyrd playing on the 8-track.  That said, he shouldn’t expect any awards from the NRA for this little escapade - after all, he didn’t even kill anyone. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Study Finds Chimps Beds Cleaner Than Humans:  Scientists have found that chimpanzees have much cleaner beds - with significantly fewer bodily bacteria - than humans do.  So, if you’re looking for new bedding, forget going to the mattress store - go see a chimp. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Trumps Says Undocumented Aren't People - They’re Animals:   During an immigration roundtable at the White House, President Trump used extraordinarily harsh language to renew his call for stronger immigration laws, proclaiming “undocumented immigrants aren’t people, they’re animals.”  Gee, the GOP sure has a peculiar Latino outreach agenda.  Of course, Trump is only saying what he believes supporters are actually thinking - that is, if they had brains. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Poll Finds Many Americans Have No Retirement Savings:  A recent poll found that a whopping 25 percent of Americans ages 46 to 64 say they have no retirement ...

Oklahoma Republican Advocates Euthanizing Poor and Disabled:   A Republican gubernatorial candidate in Oklahoma named Christopher Barnett has allegedly proposed we employ euthanasia for people on food stamps or who are too disabled to work in order to save taxpayers the expense of supporting them.   Wow - and who says the Republican Party isn’t the party of ideas anymore?  After all, nothing says I’m “Pro-Life” quite like euthanasia.  This kind of talk makes White House staff remarks about John McCain’s dying or Republican’s promises of “death squads” under “Obamacare” seem like mere child’s play. Of course - not surprisingly, Barnett’s now claiming he was hacked.  I’ll bet a lot of Germans would have wished that excuse was available during Nuremberg.  As for me, I often wonder how anyone could ever even consider voting for someone like this, but then I remember that nearly half the US population has double-digit IQ’s - and suddenly the GOP’s app...

Crime Suspect Wins Police-Sponsored Doughnut-Eating Contest: Officers say a man who won an anti-crime, police-sponsored doughnut-eating contest in North Carolina was arrested the following day after police realized he had been wanted in two suspected break-ins.  Police say when the suspect was arrested, he had quite a lot of dough on him and his eyes were totally glazed-over - not to mention that there was a pretty big hole in his alibi.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Vogue Promises to Phase Out Skinny Models:  Vogue magazine, perhaps the world's top arbiter of style, has vowed to no longer use models who are too young or too thin.  Smart move from a marketing standpoint - because nothing sells clothes quite like fat, old people.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Gene For Forgetting Bad Memories Identified:  Scientists say they have identified a gene that plays a critical role in memory extinction, the process by which old ...

Amazon Echo Has Fewer Parents Naming Children Alexa:  A new survey found that since 2015 when the Amazon Echo smart speaker came on the scene, fewer parents have been naming their child “Alexa.”  On the other hand, new data show Beverly Hills gold doggers love naming their newborn daughters “Siri,” because there’s so little chance of Siri ever working.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Scientists Can Now Monitor Brain Activity of Bats in Midflight:   Researchers have developed a portable brain scanner which lets them study what happens in the brains of bats as they fly.  So they put a portable brain scanner on some poor bat?  And then they wonder why bats go batty? https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Scientists Say Universe Expanding 9% Faster Than it Should:  A new estimate of the Hubble constant is creating a crisis of cosmic circles - new estimates indicate the universe is expanding 9% faster than it ought to be and scient...

Hawaii Volcano Raises Eruption Concerns Along West Coast:   The eruption of the Kilauea volcano on Hawaii’s Big Island has geologists also keeping a weary eye on the thirteen volcanic peaks on America's West Coast that are part of the geologically active Pacific “Ring of Fire” region. No kidding - I’m reminded of the poignant words of caution from one of the 20th century’s most prominent singer/songwriter/geologists - “and it burns, burns, burns - the Ring of Fire…”  In fact, a team of noted seismologists just announced they will soon scour the lyrics of other Johnny Cash songs, looking for hints of other possible potentially dangerous geological activity in them.   Personally, I’m not too worried myself because I’ve always made it a point to avoid living on or near anything that tends to spew out hot, molten lava - but that’s just me and I never try and push that off on others.  Meanwhile, some argue that volcanoes are the last thing we on the West Coast...

Scientists Say Time Travel is Theoretically Possible:   A new study, published in the journal Classical and Quantum Gravity, says that while the ability to time travel will not be possible any time soon, there is no mathematical reason why we couldn’t time travel.  Call me a cynical, but who the hell wants to blast themselves out hundreds of years into the future - to a time when all your damn credit cards are gonna be expired? https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Study Finds Sex a Key Part of Life for People Over 65:  A new survey revealed that sex is not only a pursuit of the young and carefree, but also a key part of life for adults in their later years, with 84% of men and 69% of women between 65 and 80 feeling that sex is important to a relationship at any age.  While sex may be a “key part” of life for people over 65, you can just bet that a lot of them have misplaced those keys. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com New Theory Suggests Tox...