You've Got to Be Kidding?

Ex-McConnell Staffers Lobbied for Russian-Backed Kentucky Project:  According to a new lobbying disclosure, two former “top staffers” of Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell have been doing some heavy lobbying of Congress and the Treasury Department on behalf of the development of a new Kentucky aluminum mill - to be financed by Russian aluminum giant Rusal.  Why, if one didn’t know better, one might mistakenly conclude that that may have had something to do with why Moscow Mitch recently saw fit to shelve proposed legislation designed to protect the US against Russian election meddling.  Say it ain’t so! Gee, can anyone say “conflict of interest?”  Now, that makes me wonder, do you suppose Trump or Mitch and his boys will eventually end up selling Kentucky to the Russians?  Now, I have no idea if the Putin or the Russians are even interested, but I do know this - I’d definately rather have a nice Kentucky Bourbon than a shot of Vodka any day. ...

Trump Promises Feds Will Look Into Authenticity of Greek Yogurt:  The U.S. Department of Agriculture just announced they will be conducting an investigation into the authentically of products sold in the United States which are claiming to be Greek Yogurt.   You know, good for them.  I always did wonder how the hell anyone could possibly tell if it’s really “Greek Yogurt” they’re eating, or if their so-called Greek yogurt is just a bunch homemade crap mixed together by some schmuck back in Athens, Ohio?   Now, I’m sure most of you are saying “what the hell’s difference, it’s all Greek to me anyway.”  Well, that kind of attitude is a surefire way to turn your fancy yogurt purchase into a Greek tragedy.      That said, I’m pretty damn sure this Greek yogurt I purchased over at Trader Joe’s is the real thing.  Why, this stuff tastes so authentic, it’s almost like getting your own, private Acropolis in every bite.   But be ...

Trump Supports Declaring Antifa as a Major Terrorist Organization:   President Donald Trump says “consideration” is being given to declaring Antifa, an organization composed loosely of autonomous left wing groups and individuals here in the US, as a “major organization of terror.” Gee, declare people who are opposed to “fascism” terrorists?  My, my - how times seem to have changed under this administration.  Now, if I remember my history correctly, I could have sworn that during World War II, all patriotic Americans considered themselves “anti-fascists.” Why, if one didn’t know how completely open to criticism and dissenting voices President Trump is, one might mistakenly conclude that our dear leader would actually love to declare ANYONE who dare protest his policies - a “terrorist.” But of course that couldn’t be true, because a leader like that would attack our free press - referring to them as “an enemy of the people,” or advocate locking up his polit...

Trump Calls Elijah Cummings District a Disgusting Rat-Infested Mess:  President Donald Trump viciously attacked political adversary Rep. Elijah Cummings (D-Md) on Twitter over his criticism of the way the administration is handling the border situation, claiming conditions on the border are actually "clean, efficient and well run, but just very crowded," whereas Cummings' district is nothing but "a disgusting, rat and rodent infested mess.” Gee, if Baltimore is really that much worse than our southern border, then why doesn’t he target our resources there, rather than building a wall that in reality - will be little more than a concrete and steel tribute to Trump’s tiny hands and limp penis? And, you know what else might help places like Baltimore?  How about a President who’s willing to work at creating a few new jobs rebuilding our decaying infrastructure, rather than spending all his time golfing and trash talking on Twitter.   The truth is, our s...

Trump Goes on Hannity and Calls Mueller Investigation Treason:   Saying no President should have to go through something like this again, President Trump went on Sean Hannity’s Fox News show and said he considers Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s Russian Probe against him as treasonous.  Right, something like this should never, ever happen to a President again - unless, of course, that President happens to be a Democrat. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Ilhan Omar’s Trump-Loving Opponent Busted for Felony Shoplifting:   After calling freshman Democrat Rep. Ilhan Omar’s (D-MN) a “criminal,” Omar’s Trump-loving Republican opponent Danielle Stella suddenly finds herself charged with felony theft, after being arrested for shoplifting more than $2,300 worth of items from Target as well as $50 from a local grocery store. Gee, wonder when we can expect to hear Republicans chanting “Lock her up!  Lock her up!” at candidate Danielle Stella?   On the o...

Two Men Fined for Eating Raw Squirrels to Protest Veganism:   Two men who claim veganism is unhealthy,  staged a grisly protest in front of a vegan stall at a London outdoor market by eating raw, dead squirrels (fur and all) while people were begging them to stop - have been fined and convicted of disorderly conduct. Gee, not to sound critical, but wouldn’t their protest have been just as effective if they’d eaten a couple of rare steaks instead?  Not to mention, now all the squirrels are gonna think they’re nuts.  And, while admittedly their tactics may have been a wee bit aggressive, I do see their point.  After all, someone has to get out there and promote the health benefits of red meat, coffee and cigarettes.   Of course, this incident occurred in the UK, but here in the US, we actually have a name for people like these raw squirrel eaters - here, they’re known as “Trump supporters.” https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Drug Kingpin El Chapo Appeals Life Sentence:   Court documents indicate that Mexican drug lord Joaquin "El Chapo" Guzman, who’s being held at the notorious ADX Federal Maximum Security Prison in Colorado, is appealing his life sentence.   During the appeal process, his new attorney told the court “Ah, now just take look at that face judge!  That your honor, is the face of a changed man, one who’s really “oh-so-sorry" about all the murders, torture, bribery, kidnapping, drug trafficking, theft and money laundering.   Anyway, my suggestion is, his cartel pals had better get busy digging that escape tunnel.  I mean, the poor guy’s now 61 and I hear it’s quite a good distance from Colorado back down to the border.  In fact, it sounds to me like the perfect job for Elon Musk and his The Boring Company. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

E-Mails Show Drug Bosses Joked About US Opioid Crisis:  With the opioid epidemic raging all over America as drug companies flooded the US with over 76 billion oxycodone and hydrocodone pills from 2006 to 2012 - fueling an epidemic that killed over 200,000, records show drug company execs were joking among themselves about the issue. Now, let’s see how this all works anyway.  Use federal money to develop the drugs, turn everything over to the pharmaceutical industry for a small fee, the drug company salesforce then gets busy bribing physicians to get you addicted, they raise the price of the drugs and take all your money - and then they let you die.  Now, simply rinse, and repeat again - as necessary. Kind of makes you proud, doesn’t it?  After all, this is America's “for-profit" healthcare system at it's finest!  And folks, the fun doesn’t stop there, because those Trump tax cuts for the wealthy insure those big-pharma pill pimps won’t get hammered o...

Trump Christians Only Concerned He Took Lord’s Name in Vain:  While President Donald Trump is being widely condemned after fascist supporters at his West Virginia campaign rally quickly turned his racist “go back” message into a horrifying “Send Her Back” chant - it appears the only thing which bothered evangelical Christians about the rally was the fact that Trump used the word “Goddamn” a couple of times. Gee, we’re talking about a man who’s a compulsive liar, an adulterer, a narcissist, a con-artist, a sexual predator, a money launderer who routinely pushes xenophobia and who incarcerates immigrant children in cages - yet these “Christians” are only concerned that he used the term “Goddamned” a couple of times in a rabid, hate-filled speech?  Got it!     It’s almost as if Trump held a rally and decided to club an immigrant child to death up on stage as one of his parlor tricks, and then turns to the crowd and says “wow, looks like I really made a re...

Five Guys Arrested for Fighting at Five Guys Burgers in Florida:   In a rather harsh touch of irony, five guys were arrested after a fight broke out at a local FiveGuys restaurant in Stuart, Florida. Police admitted there were actually six guys involved in the scuffle, but they decided to let one of them go - just to make it easier to do all the math.  Witnesses on the scene say shortly after police let the sixth guy go, he was seen “high-fiving” all his friends outside the station.    Police records are indicting authorities sent five out cops around 5 PM to break up the fight.  Now, legal analysts are saying that if these guys should be found guilty, they could face up to 5 years in jail.  Now, I suppose the next thing we’ll learn is that the five guys fighting were actually the restaurant’s five co-founders. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Arizona Man Shoots Own Penis With Gun Stuffed Into His Pants:  Police are urging holster use after a Chandler, Ariz. man shot himself in the penis while trying to secure his girlfriend’s pink handgun in the front waistband of his pants.  Wow, I can’t imagine a more powerful pairing of both “gun control and birth control.” https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Facebook's Crypto Boss Appears Before House Committee:   Facebook’s cryptocurrency boss David Marcus faced some tough questioning from lawmakers like Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, during a second day of testimony before the US House Financial Services Committee.  Come on, a Facebook currency?  Say what you want, but I’m not sure I’m quite ready to switch to an economy where your entire “net worth” is based upon how many “Facebook friends” you have or how many “likes” you get on a post.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Curiosity Rover Photograph of Lakebed on Mars:   This is what N...

Divided House Passes Resolution Condemning Trump’s Racist Remarks:   A divided House voted 240-to-187 to condemn President Trump’s racist remarks telling four minority congresswomen to “go back” to their ancestral countries, with all but a handful of Republicans dismissing the rebuke as harassment. Almost immediately, the President countered by claiming “he doesn't have a racist bone spur in his body.”  And he does have a point.  I mean, what would ever make anyone think that a white nationalist President could be a racist? Of course, here in California, we rarely hear talk like that, simply because out here, the GOP are becoming a rather endangered species.  In fact, it’s getting to the point where it may soon be necessary to create one of those habitat preservation thingies for them.  I was thinking somewhere around beautiful Victorville might be a good start. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Trump Tells Congresswomen to Go Back to the Country They Came From:  Despite criticism, a defiant President Trump doubled down on his tweet that the four minority, liberal, congresswomen should “go back and help fix the totally broken and crime infested places from which they came,” even though three of the four of them were  actually born right here in the USA. Now, while many are outraged by this, all Trump has really done differently is to take the typical “subtle, dog whistle racist innuendos” Republicans have always used - give them a hit of crystal meth, and then broadcast them over a bull horn.  On the other hand, perhaps Trump may actually be onto something when he suggests “they need to fix those crime infested places in the country from which they came.”  I mean, can anyone really think of a more “crime-infested place” than Donald Trump's White House?   Of course, the bottom line here is, Trump is clearly hoping to retain power the very...

New York City Power Outage Hits the Heart of Manhattan:   A widespread power outage in the heart of Manhattan shut down some of the city’s subways as iconic parts of midtown, including Times Square and Rockefeller Center, went dark.  Good grief, this blackout is leaving Manhattan residents as much in the dark as your average Trump supporter.  Just goes to show, Trump and his people will go to any lengths to keep the Southern District of NY in the “dark” about his all financial scams.  Either that, or Melania may have struck a damn power cable while she was trying to tunnel her way out of Trump Tower. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com  The Truth About the 1901 Pan-American Exposition in Buffalo:   Now you’re all free to draw your own conclusions - but from nearly everything I’ve ever read, it appears that pretty much everyone had a great time at the 1901 Pan-American Exposition in Buffalo, with the possible exception of one guy. https://www...

Republican Tennessee Gov Honors First KKK Grand Wizard:   Despite a huge public outcry, Tennessee Gov. Bill Lee Tennessee signed proclamation honoring Nathan Bedford Forrest Day, the first Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan.   Oh, how fun!  Boy, those Republicans sure know how to pick their heroes.  Can’t wait they declare Jeffrey Epstein day.  Now there’s a holiday geared towards the younger folks. Now personally, I think a better idea than honoring the first KKK Grand Wizard with a “proclamation,” would be to honor Tennessee Gov Lee with a visit to the “proctologist.”  Because I have a feeling he’s gonna be dealing with a whole bunch of crap after signing that damn proclamation. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Rabies Scare Prompts Warnings for Disney’s Epcot Center:  The Department of Health in Florida’s Orange County has issued a rabies alert for a two-mile radius around Disney World’s Epcot Center, after Disney officials say it was determined a feral cat tested positive for the disease.   Now wait just a minute!  You’re trying to tell me that Disney World, a business which is basically run by a mouse, is claiming that a “cat” is spreading disease?  Oh sure, we believe that.  I mean, not much of a conflict of interest there - eh?   If you ask me, what we seem to have here are some “bought and paid for” health officials putting the blame on a cat, so as not to “tick off” any mice.  Stunts like this are precisely why you hear so many cats these days walking around mumbling things like “I hate those meeces to pieces” under their breath. But all of that aside, I do wonder where the rabies came from?  What the hell, did Old Yeller get loose?...

Trump Praises Acosta as Calls for Him to Resign Grow:   President Trump is still standing by his embattled labor secretary, saying he “feels very badly for Alex Acosta,” even after more and more people have begun demanding Acosta’s resignation over the sweetheart plea deal he struck with financier Jeffrey Epstein on child sex trafficking charges while he was a federal prosecutor. So, Trump feels “very badly for Alex Acosta” who’s been taking a lot of slack for letting Epstein off easy?  Now, I’m sure some are asking “but, what about the victims?”  Look, before you pass judgement, what good would it serve a guy like Trump to waste his sympathy on a bunch of helpless, underage sex slaves?  I mean, of what value can some vulnerable kids be to a guy like Donald Trump?   In the meantime, it seems Secretary Acosta’s been quite busy, proposing slicing the budget which actually funds investigations of child sex trafficking by a whopping 80%.  And why n...

Trump Will No Longer Deal With the UK Ambassador to US:   In a pair of tweets, President Trump said he would “no longer deal with the UK’s ambassador to the U.S.” after leaked cables revealed the diplomat’s unvarnished, harsh assessment of the Trump administration. Personally, I think there’s a good chance this is all just a huge misunderstanding and President Trump didn’t fully understand what the UK ambassador was actually saying - quite possibly because the ambassador was speaking English. Anyway, Ambassador Darroch shouldn’t really consider President Trump’s ignoring him as a really big deal.  After all, Donald Trump routinely treats about 65% of American's citizens as if they don’t exist either.  I mean, just ask the residents of Puerto Rico. Besides, Trump and his supporters shouldn’t feel completely distressed about the UK ambassador’s slight.  Hell, I can think of at least one ambassador who publicly praises Donald Trump all the time, but enough...

SoCal Residents Finally Taking Steps to Prepare for Disasters:   After long ignoring pleas to prepare for natural disasters, Southern California residents appear to be finally taking some preparatory measures to address the issue.  Meanwhile, emergency officials warn that the recent series of powerful earthquakes should serve as a "wake-up call.” All I can say is, if that was a "wake-up call,” they sure set it for the wrong time.  Hell, I wasn’t even sleeping.  That said, I suppose it’s fair to label earthquakes as a “wake-up call.”  At least for those who’ve apparently been basically unconscious - since the earth was formed.  Meanwhile, Gov. Gavin Newsom is cautioning everyone about how important it is for all Californians to understand “these natural disasters can strike at any time - yes, even when you’re undergoing liposuction or colon hydrotherapy.”  On a positive note, if rents are permitted to continue increasing unchecked around ...

Florida Man Impersonating Police Officer Pulls Over Real Deputy:   A Florida man found himself in some hot water for pretending to be a police officer, after he pulled over an off-duty cop while driving his souped-up, jet-black Crown Victoria. Wow, sounds like the Mensa meeting must have let out a bit early that day.  Now, the poor schmuck's gonna have to sell that Crown Victoria to pay a lawyer.  Frankly, while I admit this article was rather amusing, all I really needed to see was the term “Florida Man,” and the rest of the story pretty much just wrote itself.  Now, in all fairness - I suppose in Donald Trump’s Florida, this guy may very well be considered as kind of an “alternative” cop.  And, I suppose a good argument could be made about “what’s the big deal anyway?  After all, don’t we have some guy from New York sitting in the White House right now, impersonating a President?” https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Biologists Clash Over the Idea That Plants Are Conscious:   Some traditionally minded botanists in the US, UK and Germany are beginning to fight back after nearly a decade of research which suggested that plants can have feelings, intentions and even consciousness.   Good grief, are really they serious?  Why, if these researchers are actually correct, then my next door neighbor lady is one huge offender.  I mean, just the other day - I observed her denigrating her dandelions, cussing out her chrysanthemums and pissing-off her petunias.  Talk about having issues!   Now, after reading this article, I’m starting to feel rather bad about the whole situation.  But the thing is, I have no idea to whom or even how one would go about reporting an incident of this nature.  That is, without some wise-ass psychiatrist trying to put me back on the heavy meds again. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Southern California Hit With 6.4-Magnitude Earthquake:   California experienced its strongest tremor in over 20 years as a 6.4-magnitude earthquake struck a remote region in the southeastern part of the state. Of course, President Trump immediately pinned the blame right on California officials, saying those quakes are completely preventable if the state would just take time to rake up all that loose rock that’s laying around all over the place.  Adding that “this is just another liberal ploy to try and draw attention away from my magnificent parade.” Anyway, every time we have an earthquake, seems like all my relatives back in Ohio (where they have deadly tornados) always ask, “why would you ever wanna live in a place that has earthquakes?  Frankly, I’ll take an earthquake over a tornado any day.  I mean, when all the shaking’s over, at least you know where you can find all your stuff. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Trump Diverts $2.5 Million From Park Service for His Military Parade:   President Trump has decided to divert nearly $2.5 million, which was intended for maintaining our National Parks, to cover the costs of his military parade and Independence Day Speech on the Washington Mall. Wow, is it just me, or does $2.5 million seem like a helluva lot of money to shell out for a hate speech.  Now, I’m certainly no economist, but I always assumed they were a lot cheaper than that.   Meanwhile, anticipating some blowback about that very cost, Administration officials promise this rally will be one of the grandest political gatherings since those "Nuremberg Rallies” - way back the 1930’s.  And frankly, I can think of quite a few Republicans who probably feel it’s a damn shame Leni Riefenstahl is no longer around to film it all. All that aside, however, I do kind of understand this Administration’s thinking in deciding to make the 4th of July a “celebration of Dona...

Ivanka Attended President Trump’s Meeting with Kim Jong-un:   After being totally ignored while trying to insert herself into an informal conversation among G20 leaders in Japan, Ivanka Trump stirred up even more controversy after North Korean TV revealed that the first daughter was right there with her father at his historic Korean border meeting with Kim Jong-un. On a positive note, if anyone attending those meetings happened to need some tips on topics such as “how to match their handbag to their shoes,” Ivanka would have been an invaluable resource - go USA!  Hell, you’d think in return, Kim could have at least offered Trump a complimentary haircut, but nooooooo! The sad part is, even though Ivanka Trump has absolutely no foreign policy experience or qualifications whatsoever, she’s still no doubt, eminently more qualified than her grifter father to be advising on those issues. What’s odd is, I don’t seem to remember previous first daughters like Patti Reagan...