You've Got to Be Kidding?

Mysterious Swarms of 6-Foot Drones Causing Anxiety in Colorado:   Mysterious nighttime visitations from of huge swarms of 6-foot drones that appear to be running very deliberate search patterns and to which the US Army and the Air Force deny belongs to them - are leaving residents of northeastern Colorado confused and a bit frightened. Now my first guess is, Amazon’s prime services were prevented from completing their one-day delivery promise because of what turned out to be a bogus street address - so a pissed off Jeff Bezos sent out the Amazon Air Force to investigate just what the hell’s going on.  Meanwhile, local authorities tried to calm residents fears, by pointing out that the drones “don’t seem to appear threatening.”   Really?  Well then, just what exactly would these drones need to do before authorities feel they “appear threatening?”  Wear leather jackets with gold wallet chains, smoke unfiltered Camel cigarettes, shout insults and obscen...

Far Right Trump Supporters Promising Civil War is Imminent:  On a highway about 100 miles southeast of Las Vegas, a gathering of heavily armed, far-right Trump supporters, including white nationalists and conspiracy theorists, gathered for a festival called “Trumpstock,” booked as a gathering of “real Americans” celebrating President Donald Trump - with many attendees promising a full-fledged civil war, in the event President Trump should not be reelected or impeached. Because nothing shows your “patriotic support” for American democracy, like threatening violence and civil war if your candidate isn’t reelected.  But I see their point.  I mean, it isn’t like for the past 238 years - America has peacefully accepted the outcome of our presidential elections. Why, if I were one of those “real Americans,” next time I needed dental work done, or had a child in need of medical attention, rather than go to one of those snotty, untrustworthy “coastal elites” for assis...

Trump Retweets Post Naming Alleged Whistleblower:   President Trump retweeted, then deleted, a post from suspicious Twitter user @Surfermom77 - thought to be an automated Russian bot - a tweet that included the alleged name of the anonymous whistleblower whose complaint ultimately led to Trump’s impeachment by the House.  Luckily for all of us, we still have Melania - toiling day and night, working tirelessly to end cyber bullying. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Big Christmas Sale Begins at 99 Cents Only Stores:   The local 99 Cents Only Stores here in Los Angeles have just announced that they are now holding their big, annual Christmas sale.  Now, not to sound critical, but if you ever find yourself in a position where you’re waiting to buy your Christmas gifts until things go on sale at a 99 Cent Store, perhaps it's time to reevaluate your career choices.

Conspirators Claim Burger King's Impossible Whopper Giving Men Breasts:   Burger King’s Impossible Whopper has become a huge hit for the fast-food franchise, but a new conspiracy theory circulating in right-wing circles claims that the meatless burger is causing men to grow breasts. Now, I know a lot of you are gonna say “a veggie burger causing men to grow breasts?  Why, that’s Impossible!”  Yes, dummy - that’s probably why it’s called the “Impossible Burger.”  Personally, I’d like to thank all these conspiracy theorists for keeping us “abreast” of this “developing” story.   Hell, if these Impossible Burger people aren’t stopped soon, the poor company may be forced to change their name from Burger King to Burger Queen.  Not to mention, that men who may not want to have big breasts - may start demanding that Burger King make a sandwich that will help enlarge their “Whoppers” too! That said, all this may end up having a silver lining.  I...

US Now Officially Has a Space Force and a Space Command:   While no one seems quite certain as to exactly what they will actually be doing, President Trump has signed into law America’s newest branch of the military - Space Force, by declaring there’s "going to be a lot of things happening in space, because space is the world's newest war fighting domain.” When asked about their new assignments, commanders say they’re really, really excited, but did have to admit that for the foreseeable future, the only space they’ll be occupying will be rather expensive “office space” in Washington DC. Hell, I can think of a job they can tackle right away.  Why not start by exploring some of that unchartered “space” that exists between Trump's ears?  Why, you could even describe the mission as “boldly going, where no other racists have gone before!” https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Trump’s Favorite Cable-News Channel is Now One America News:   President Trump’s current favorite cable-news network is no longer the Fox News channel, which sometimes disagrees with him, but the ultra-right wing One America News Network - which prides itself on being completely in lock-step with our President on everything. Good grief, our President actually believes what he sees on the One America News Network?  I mean, I always just assumed that network was some sort of bizarre spinoff from Comedy Central, doing absolutely insane satire about Fox News.  You mean to tell me they’re actually serious? I guess you could say One America News is a place where the tin foil hats and the red MAGA hats come together in holy matrimony.  And, to be completely fair, why shouldn’t all those inbred, half-witted Trump supporters deserve to have their own news sources, just like actual caring, intelligent and educated human beings do?   You know, the kind of f...

Giuliani Claims He’s More of a Jew Than Holocaust Survivor Soros:   Jewish groups are up in arms at former New York mayor and Trump personal attorney Rudy Giuliani, after he claimed in a recent interview that he is “more of a Jew” than financier and Holocaust survivor George Soros. No question about it!  And while we're at it, I’m sure he’s also more Native American than Sitting Bull.  Let’s remember, when you’re a bonafide Trump supporter, all you have to do is simply say something, and it magically becomes true. Anyway, sounds to me like crazy Rudy may have forgotten to refill his prescriptions again.  Well, Trump is right about one thing, no low-flow toilet is gonna be able to flush away all this nonsense Rudy’s been spewing - with only one flush.   About the only way I can explain insane behavior like this is by assuming Rudy is aware he’s in some serious legal trouble, so he’s hoping acting like this will allow him to exchange that future ora...

War Crimes Navy Seal Meets Trump to Thank Him for Pardon:  Former Navy SEAL Eddie Gallagher, who was granted clemency after President Trump intervened in the war crimes case in which he was charged with multiple murders, met and took photos with President Trump at his Mar-a-Lago estate ahead of the Christmas holiday. Well, before we judge President Trump for considering this convicted war criminal a hero after he previously attacked Gold-Star Families critical of him, let’s try keep this in perspective by remembering what a long and illustrious military career Donald Trump himself had - before being elected President. I mean, what could be a more touching - a convicted war criminal thanking an impeached draft dodging President?  Why, I’ll bet seeing Trump and Gallagher together would have almost been enough to bring Trump’s privileged Mar-a-Lago guests to tears - if only any of them had been in possession of what the rest of us commonly refer to as human emotions. ...

Senator Introduces Bill to Crack Down on Fake Meat Labeling:   As more plant-based protein products like the Impossible Burger and Beyond Meats make their way onto store shelves and restaurant menus, US senator and cattle rancher Deb Fischer (R-NE) is taking action against these “fake food fads” by introducing “The Real MEAT Act,” which she claims will end the “deceptive labeling” on these “fake meat products.” Thank you Senator Fischer, for protecting us against this insidious and horrific vegetarian threat to our country’s well-being.  And, just for the record, I’m sure the fact you’re a cattle rancher - has absolutely nothing to do with your stance on the issue.    Oh sure, some are gonna argue that the label plainly says in bold letters "burger made from plants,” but that conveniently doesn’t take into account that reading product labels really isn’t one of your typical Trump supporter’s strong suits - not that those folks would even understand wha...

Washington State Lawmaker Accused of Terrorism Won't Resign:   A new report found that Trump-loving Washington state lawmaker Matt Shea, committed "domestic terrorism" when he participated in a 2016 armed standoff in Oregon, traveled around the country training young people on how to fight a “holy war,” promoted “patriot militia training” in anticipation of an upcoming armed conflict with law enforcement, called for replacing our current democracy with a theocracy and advocated killing all adult males who refuse to follow fundamentalist Christian biblical law. Now, in all fairness - Representative Shea does have kind of a point there.  I mean, I’ve always felt that nothing quite says “what a terrific American patriot you are” - like forcing someone to convert to your religion - at gunpoint! The thing is, even if citizens do manage to remove this wack job from office, the bottom line is - he’s still gonna be a shoe-in to head up Trump’s new “Space Force.”   ...

Trump Claims Women Tell Him Dishwashers Don’t Work Right Anymore:   President Trump continued addressing the great plumbing issues of our time during a recent Michigan rally, by telling followers that “women tell me” all the time about how they have to repeatedly run their dishwashers, because of the poor water pressure. Well, one thing’s for sure - this is sure gonna make it rather difficult for all those damn libs to keep claiming Trump doesn’t pay any attention to the issues really important to women.  And if you think this isn’t simply a women’s issue, then just ask yourselves - what self-respecting Republican male does his own damn dishes? But all that aside, if this is only a water pressure issue - then why doesn’t Trump just share some of his prostate meds with the womenfolk?  All they’d need to do is simply drop a few pills right into the machine along with their favorite detergent.  Hell, that ought to get those old dishwashers flowing again - jus...

Putin Claims Impeachment Case Against Trump is Fabricated:   Speaking at his annual year-end news conference, Russian President Vladimir Putin claimed that U.S. Democrats had impeached President Donald Trump for "fabricated" reasons,” in an effort to reverse Donald Trump’s 2016 election victory. Now, before you laugh, perhaps you'd better ask yourself “who really understands what actually went down in our 2016 elections better than Vladimir Putin?”  And now, an extremely grateful President Putin is speaking up for all those good folks who’s votes helped elect both he and Donald J. Trump as your President.    Why, Trump and Putin are so tight, I wouldn’t be surprised if he doesn’t fly right over here and testify at the upcoming senate hearings - as a Trump character witness.  Why, he’d be welcomed like a rockstar by Republicans.   After all, it’s pretty obvious what a close bond there is between Putin and Trump.  You know, a bond not un...

Trump Becomes the Third US President to Be Impeached:  After nearly 12 hours of debate, the US House of Representatives has voted to impeach President Donald J. Trump for his conduct toward Ukraine and his refusal to cooperate with the inquiry, making him only the third president in U.S. history to receive that sanction. Wow, how interesting!  Gee, wonder if they’ll be anyone who’ll wanna express an opinion about all this?  Anyway, the way I see it, this is probably Trump’s biggest victory since he completely denuclearized North Korea, rebuilt America’s infrastructure and made Mexico pay for the wall. Not to mention, this is probably the first time in Trump’s whole crime-ridden life - that he’s actually been held accountable for anything.  And, as an interesting side note - his arch-enemy Greta Thunberg wasn't impeached today.   Now, if we can just get those three spirits from “A Christmas Carol” to pay folks like John Bolton and Steve Bannon a ...

Trump Sends Unhinged Six-Page Letter to Speaker Pelosi:  In what many are describing as a completely unhinged six-page letter to Speaker Pelosi, President Trump angrily denounced the looming House vote to impeach him as “partisan persecution,” while labeling Democrat’s effort to remove him from office as an “attempted coup.” Now, come on!  This letter is way too long with far too many "big words” in it - for Donald Trump to have written it all by himself.  I mean, it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that if it was Trump who actually composed this letter, it would have been written with a sharpie. Now, my guess is this simply represents an effort by staffers to translate a few of Trump’s insane rants and insults spewed out while he was watching cable news - from Trump’s native Walmart English - into actual English.  All I know is, Americans haven’t seen writing of this caliber - since O.J. Simpson's "If I Did It” was published. https://www.johnnyrobis...

Mormon Church Accused of Misleading Members About $100 Billion:  A former investment manager alleges in a whistleblower complaint to the IRS, that the tax-exempt Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has amassed an incredible $100 billion through their investment company Ensign Peak Advisors.  The complaint further alleges that these funds came from member donations, which were supposed to be intended for charitable purposes - but have been used in “for-profit activities.” Well, as troublesome as all this may sound for LDS, I suspect all the Mormons really need to do, is to make a really generous contribution to the Trump 2020 campaign - and all this goes away.   Or, perhaps Trump or Rudy could simply pay old Mitt Romney a visit about his future voting plans on impeachment.  “Now Mitt, we can make this mess just all go away for LDS - but first, I need a small favor.”   I mean, the possibilities for negotiation seem endless.  Hell, who ...

Lindsey Graham Says He Won’t Even Pretend to Be a Fair Juror:  Speaking at the DOHA Forum in Qatar, Senator Lindsey Graham bragged to attendees that he will not even “pretend to be a fair and impartial juror,” should Donald Trump face an impeachment trial in the US Senate. Gee, Lindsey says he won’t even “pretend to be a fair and impartial juror?”  OK, fair enough.  Then, while you’re at it, how about quite pretending to be a man and a United States Senator? It’s becoming pretty obvious that the Republican “Loyalty Oath" to Donald Trump far supersedes any silly oath they may have taken to protect and defend the constitution - we get that.   I mean, why even bother reminding these folks about morals, ethics or even country?  Hell, at this point, Republicans may as well just go ahead…make Benedict Arnold’s birthday a national holiday - and get it over with. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Trump Urges Boris Johnson to Celebrate After Landslide Victory:   US President Donald Trump is urging Boris Johnson to celebrate the conservatives' landslide election victory, which Trump claims will trigger a “massive” UK-US trade deal. Gee, it’s really touching to see two leading con-artists bonding like that.  And celebrate indeed!  Of course, to be done right, a celebration of that importance would need to be held on a Trump property.  You know, like Trump’s Turnberry Resort in Scotland. But anyway, congratulations UK!  You said “screw all this international cooperation nonsense!”  Let’s promote ethnic nationalism and go back to dividing ourselves up into isolated, little nation-states - each looking at the other with suspicion and envy.  After all, we all know how well that approach worked out back in the 1930’s.  And come on, this is 2019.  I mean, it isn’t as if we have an interdependent, international economy that requir...

Poll Finds Republicans Fine with Rising US Healthcare Costs:   A new Gallup Poll found that a growing number of Republicans are just fine with the rising cost of healthcare in the United States, which has surged 20% in the past year alone. Well, bless their little pea-pick’ng hearts!  Especially since the World Health Organization (WHO) recently determined that the US has THE most expensive healthcare on earth, yet only ranks a lowly 34th in quality.   I mean, who could have ever imagined that you could convince such a large segment of the population, that the best way to control healthcare costs, is simply by making the system so expensive - that almost no one could ever afford it buy into it.   And so, I guess in summary - it appears that these thoughtful folks have concluded that they’re perfectly fine getting fleeced, but only as long as they’re confident that it’s a Republican - who’s in charge of all the fleecing. https://www.johnnyrobish...

Trump Executive Order on Anti-Semitism Stirs Fear and Confusion:   Donald Trump’s new executive order expanding “protections” against anti-Semitism on campus - under the guise of “preventing protests and boycotts of Israel,” is actually prompting both fear and confusion among many American Jews, because it effectively interprets Judaism as a “separate race or nationality” and not simply a religion - similar to actions taken by Nazi Germany in the 1930’s. Gee, Trump’s actions causing fear and confusion?  Say it isn’t so!  I mean, this one even tops the attack on the water-saving toilets Trump made just last week.   Just goes to show ya, there’s apparently no situation which Trump isn’t able to make worse.  I’ll tell you one thing, its damn sure gonna take a helluva  lot more than 15 flushes to get rid of this mess. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

New Study Links Long Droughts to Higher Suicide Rates:   Scientists say they’ve found an interesting link between how long a drought drags on and higher suicide rates.  Now, I realize this is no time to be writing “drought jokes,” but I’ve always been cursed with this really “dry" sense of humor.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Study Finds Eating Disorder “Pics” on the Rise:  According to a new government report, that more and more people are being hospitalized with the eating disorder “pica,” where people consume non-edible items like hair, paper, dirt and feces.  Well, I suppose that pretty much explains all those folks eating off those greasy lunch trucks parked outside the auto repair shop where I get my car worked on. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Study Finds Knee Replacement Doesn't Solve Sexual Problems:  Patients having knee replacement surgery sometimes hope to regain or improve their sexual activity afterward, but a n...

Trump Tells Jewish Group They’ll Vote for Him to Avoid Wealth Tax:   Outraged Jewish groups are accusing Donald Trump of fostering anti-Semitic stereotypes when he spoke at an Israeli American Council conference in Florida and told the crowd that you Jews “are not nice people at all, but you will have to vote for me, so you can avoid the wealth tax” being proposed by Democrats like Bernie Sanders and Elizebeth Warren. Well, I certainly have to give Trump credit for one thing.  It takes a lotta chutzpah to insult the entire Jewish population of the United States right to their face, and then turn right around and demand they give him their vote.  That’s one helluva parlor trick, if you can pull it off.  But I get it - Donald Trump is a guy who really, really, really loves Israel - but he’s just not especially fond of Jews. Anyway, if President Trump is really serious about convincing Jewish people to quit overwhelmingly voting Democrat, perhaps someone mi...

New Issue of Popular Mechanics Magazine Explains Everything:   Good grief, I just picked up the latest copy of Popular Mechanics magazine which has a feature article entitled "How Everything Works."   Oh, come on!  How EVERYTHING works?  OK then, how about starting by explaining to me how the hell you plan to explain EVERYTHING in just 60 pages?   I'll tell ya, I was starting to smell a rat.  Then, to my surprise, I discovered I can read everything I need to know about smelling rats - right there on page 23. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Nikki Haley Claims Dylann Roof Hijacked a Proud Confederate Heritage:   In an interview published on Glenn Beck’s conspiracy theory website The Blaze , former UN ambassador and rumored Trump 2020 vice presidential running mate Nikki Haley - claimed white supremacist Dylann Roof “hijacked” the Confederate flag’s proud representation of "service, sacrifice and heritage,” when he carried out the mass murder of African-Americans in Charleston in 2015. In her interview, Haley also accused the “national media” of falsely portraying Roof’s massacre as being “about racism.  Ohhhh, now I get Ambassador Haley’s point!  She’s saying that - just because Dylann Roof boasted that his murderous rampage was designed to “start a race war,” doesn’t mean he’s a “racist.”  Why, how dare the fake media to even imply such a thing! Now, if that’s the case, I’m sure Ambassador Haley and all her Trump pals would have no issue whatsoever if people of Mexican-American heritage also d...

W Virginia Gov’t Employees Suspended for Giving Nazi Salute:   Roughly 30 employees of the West Virginia’s Department of Military Affairs and Public Safety, have been suspended after a recent picture emerged showing them performing a Nazi salute in a group photo. I guess about the only thing missing in this photograph would be the tiki torches.  Obviously, this picture must have been taken before Home Depot opened that morning, a bit too early for anyone to head over and pick them up.  Of course, these are the very same folks who get really pissed over athletes taking a knee - because everyone knows there’s no any racism in America any more.  Oh well, I suppose it’s back to those "clean coal" jobs for these folks. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Barr Warns Communities to Start Showing Police More Respect:  Attorney General William Barr warned that if “certain communities” do not start showing law enforcement officers more respect by curtailing their protests and criticism, they may very well lose their police protection. My, my - “certain communities?”  Why, I wonder which communities he could possibly be referring to?  Perhaps AG Barr is simply trying to help “those communities” understand how difficult it would be for him to try and set up a “police state” in “their communities” - without the police?   Now, with that said, I wonder if that could also mean that Republican communities will now lose any FBI services for repeatedly calling the agency “corrupt and part of a Deep State conspiracy?"  Anyway, wonder if Attorney General Barr is even aware that the 1st amendment protects free speech?  Probably not - I mean, I’m sure a busy guy like Bill Barr doesn’t have time to read up...

Barr Disputes Key Inspector General Finding About FBI’s Russia Investigation:   Attorney General William P. Barr is telling associates he disagrees with the main point of the Justice Department’s inspector general’s finding - that the FBI had enough information in July 2016 to justify launching an investigation into members of the Trump campaign. Well, in that case, it sounds like it’s about damn time for Attorney General Barr and the rest of the Trump DOJ - to open up an investigation of the inspector general’s investigation of the investigators.  But then, who’ll investigate the people who investigated the investigators?  Now, don’t ask me - hell, I can’t even do the math. Anyway, it’s interesting how things have now gotten to the point where - when the Russians wanna disseminate their propaganda, they no longer even bother to post on Facebook - hell, they just go directly through Bill Barr.  One thing’s for sure, Vladimir Putin is certainly turning out ...

Majority of Republicans Believe Trump a Better President Than Lincoln:   According to new poll commissioned by The Economist, the majority of Republicans say they believe Donald Trump is a better president than Abraham Lincoln, while 94% of Democrats say Lincoln was better.  Well, this shouldn’t be terribly surprising.  I mean, Fox News and church leaders are continually pounding them with stories of how the Trump presidency signifies THE Second Coming, how Trump fought valiantly to save Thanksgiving and Christmas from the heathens, and how he labored tirelessly to save babies from being used in cruel medical experiments by the likes of George Soros and Planned Parenthood.  No wonder they’re pissed! And, let’s be honest, they hold Lincoln responsible for freeing the slaves.  For many of these folks, that damned “Emancipation Proclamation” thingy still stings badly.  Then, when you factor in polls showing that 40% of the country still thinks the E...