You've Got to Be Kidding?

NC Woman Guilty of Feeding Husbands Ex to Alligators:  A North Carolina woman has been found guilty of trying to feed the remains of her husband’s ex-girlfriend they had killed and tried unsuccessfully to dissolve in muriatic acid - to the alligators.  During sentencing, the judge cautioned citizens that North Carolina strictly enforces their “don’t feed the alligators” laws. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Oregon’s Last Heart Transplant Surgeon Resigns:  The last remaining doctor in Oregon's only heart transplant program has suddenly resigned from the program, leaving the state with no medical facilities that can perform the life-saving procedure.  When asked why they didn’t inform patients immediately, hospital officials say they really wanted to, but just didn’t have the heart to do it. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com People Angry Over Ariana Grande’s Minidress at Aretha Franklin's Funeral:   Social media ripped into Ariana Gra...

Trump Threatens to Withdraw US from World Trade Organization:   In a move that could undermine one of the foundations of the modern global trading system, President Trump is threatening to withdraw from the World Trade Organization if “they don’t shape up.” My word, Putin is really getting his money's worth with this dude!  Apparently, Trump thinks he can pull out of treaties like he pulls out of porn stars.  Who knew a guy like him would even know what the WTO is?  Does he even have any idea what the letters stand for?   I’m getting this weird feeling that he thinks the WTO has something to do with professional wrestling.  I mean, here’s a guy who doesn’t even know what color the strips in our flag are!  Let’s hope all this bloviating is just more big talk from the man with little hands. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Detroit to Shut Off Drinking Water to All Its Schools:   Detroit authorities have ordered drinking water shut off to all 110 city public schools pending further testing after elevated levels of lead and copper were found in water at more than a dozen buildings.  In a show of generosity, Trump supporters have offered to serve the students some of the cool aid they’ve been drinking. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Boy Makes Up Kidnapping Story to Avoid Dentist:  A 12-year-old boy is in hot water after he ran away from home to avoid going to the dentist, and then, after he was found - made up a detailed kidnapping story which had police looked for his kidnapper for an entire month.  I tell ya, I just don’t get kids these days!  Why back in my day - we would have just called in a bomb threat. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Study Finds Young People Not Interested in Cars:  A recent study by Gartner research revealed that 46% of al...

Alex Jones Says He’s Advising Trump About Google Censorship:   After President Trump took to Twitter to complain that his Google search results were showing negative content, conspiracy theorist Alex Jones came forward to say that he is the one behind President Trump’s new war against Google.  Oh, come on!  We have a world renowned, paranoid schizophrenic, conspiracy theorist advising a classic narcissist - and you’re telling me the best they could come up with was they’re unhappy with Google’s search results?  I don’t mind saying - that’s quite a disappointment!  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Swarm of 20,000 Bees Attack New York City Hot Dog Stand:   Hordes of New Yorkers eagerly watched as a police officer used a vacuum to remove 20,000 bees that suddenly attacked a hotdog stand a block south of Times Square.  Wow, sounds like this hot dog stand has been generating a lot of buzz these days.  Wonder how in the hell they figured ...

Trump’s Claims to Have Tremendous New Trade Deal with Mexico:  After months of fractious negotiations, President Donald Trump announced that his administration has reached an understanding with Mexico on a tremendous new 16-year trade deal which will replace the current North American Free Trade Agreement (NAFTA).  And while no has any real idea exactly what the hell’s in it, I do have to admit that it does sounds a lot like the greatest trade deal ever negotiated in the history of the world.  My only questions are 1) does this mean the administration will be issuing another commemorative coin like they did for North Korea treaty and 2) does it include a check covering Mexico’s payment to build Trump’s wall and 3) how is this expected to impact the price of chalupas off the food truck in the parking lot outside my Target store? https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Scientists Link Air Pollution Exposure To Cognitive Decline:   Researchers conducted math an...

Kanye West Surprises Kim Kardashian with New Neon Mercedes:   Social media is all abuzz after Kim Kardashian West proudly posted pictures on Instagram of her new neon green Mercedes G series SUW that husband Kanye West bought her - a vehicle she says couldn’t stop talking about since they rented the truck while in Miami.   And folks, its important to remember that many touching moments such as these may not have been possible had our President not worked so diligently to make sure his wealthy friends get to pay less taxes.  Now, of course - some may ask, “fine, you got yourself another new, super-expense car, but why flaunt it all over the internet?”  Why I bought a Mini Cooper a couple of years ago - and I don’t believe anyone really gave much of a crap - one way or the other.    But what most people don’t understand is how important it is for these folks to raise public awareness that they are capable of snagging themselves very expensive luxu...

Trump Appears to Think American Flag Has Blue Stripe:  While on a photo opp at the Nationwide Children's Hospital in Ohio, President Trump was spending some time sitting with the kids and coloring in American flags, when he apparently became confused and added a blue stripe to the his flag.  Now in all fairness, the Russian flag does has a blue strip, so its understandable he’d be a little confused.  What I don’t understand is - why he didn’t just have one of the secret service guys seize one of those punk kid’s flags and just copy off that? https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com   Trump Tower Doorman Wins Right to Talk About Secret Trump Child:   A former Trump Tower doorman who says he was silenced by a catch-and-kill $30,000 contract with the National Enquirer, has won the right to discuss the rumor that Donald Trump may have secretly fathered an illegitimate child.  Good grief - speaking of the National Enquirer, that just reminded me of an o...

Lawyer Says Maria Butina Not A Kremlin-Trained Seductress:  Arguing for her release on bond, Maria Butina’s lawyer says she is not the "spy-novel Kremlin-trained seductress” prosecutors try to portray her as - claiming that image is sexist and that Miss Butina got to where she is by pure intellect.  OK, but where she is - is in jail, so…Now if you ask me, even prison sounds like a better life than having to service fat, sweaty, old conservative Republican men in hotel rooms - all for Mother Russia. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous Host Robin Leach Dies:   Robin Leach, a strong Donald Trump supporter who became a symbol of unapologetic opulence as host of the popular syndicated television show “Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous” in the 1980s and ’90s, has died in Las Vegas at the age of 76.  Gee, I thought the guy was “76” about 30 years ago.  But all kidding aside, we owe him a debt of gratitude.  I mean, sho...

Enquirer’s David Pecker Kept Safe Full of Documents on Trump:   With the news that he has just been given immunity, employees of the National Enquirer’s parent company are claiming that chairman and Trump ally David Pecker has a safe full of information about Donald Trump’s hush money arrangements and other incriminating documents from which he derives “power.”  Wow, that’s gotta be a pretty large-capacity safe.  But even if David Pecker does turn over Trump’s confidential information to Robert Mueller, Trump shouldn’t feel too bad.  After all, he’s not the first person to get screwed by a Pecker.  But just to be on the safe side, let’s not have Geraldo be the guy who opens that safe. And honestly, I’m starting to think like I may be about the only person on the planet who doesn’t have something I can use to blackmail Trump.  One thing’s for sure, you can expect Trump to soon start accusing the National Enquirer of being "fake news" - which ironic...

Leaked Images and Texts Contradict Asia Argento’s Denials:   After completely denying a New York Times report that she had sex with then 17-year-old child actor Jimmy Bennett, newly leaked photos and texts to TMZ seem to indicate that #MeToo leader Asia Argento wasn’t being completely truthful.  Gee, this whole story is starting to sound like a great script for a movie.  I’ll bet they could even talk Harvey Weinstein into producing it. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Study Says Sudden Earth Magnetic Field Shift Could be Catastrophic:   A new study suggests that our planet’s magnetic poles could shift much more rapidly than previously thought - which could have a catastrophic impact on life here on Earth which is so dependent on electronics.  Well, I’m not gonna worry about it cause you know what they say - “shift happens.” https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Trump Says 80 Percent of Media are the Enemy of the People:   When asked...

Manafort Found Guilty and Cohen Implicates Trump:   In what had to be a very bad day for President Trump, his former campaign manger Paul Manafort was convicted on eight of 18 counts and former personal attorney Michael Cohen entered a guilty plea to prosecutors which included implicating the President in directing him to pay hush money.  Gee, we’re at the point where about the only place that would be appropriate for a Trump Presidential Library would be someplace like Alcatraz Island. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Life Began 100 Million Years Earlier Than We Previously Thought:   According to new data, the first living thing to emerge on our planet appeared at least 100 million years earlier than we previously thought.  Oh really?  And just how do they know what I had previously thought? https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Meth Addicts Looting Archaeological Sites Worldwide:  Archaeologists say the frequently of thefts of ant...

Colombians Told to Avoid Sex as Intense Heatwave Continues:   Health officials in the Columbian coastal city of Santa Marta are warning residents to avoid having sex during peak hottest hours of the day while the area’s intense heatwave continues.  Damn, that’d be just my luck - finally about to get lucky and they cancel all sex because of global warming. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Astronomers Find Ice on the Moon’s Surface:  Astronomers say they’ve found patches of ice scattered around the moon’s north and south poles which could one day provide a source of water for human visitors.  Not to be outdone down here on Earth, an alcoholic in North Hollywood was caught “mooning” people who were buying ice at 7-Eleven. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Scientists Say Earth Will Be Habitable for 1.75 Billion Years:   The LA Times is reporting that scientists have run the numbers and found that the the Earth will likely be habitable f...

Giuliani Claims Truth Isn’t Truth on Meet the Press:   Responding to Meet the Press moderator Chuck Todd’s assertion that the President has nothing to fear about perjury if he simply tells the truth, Rudy Giuliani began claiming “facts are in the eye of the beholder” and “truth isn’t truth.”  And with that - the Trump Train has just pulled into Orwellia Station - “all aboard!” https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Studies Show the Fountain of Youth May Be in Blood:  Researchers from Harvard and Stanford are reporting that reversing aging may soon be as simple as a blood transfusion from a younger person, as three separate studies have shown that injecting elderly mice with blood from younger mice rejuvenates their brains and muscles and reverses many signs of aging.  Human trails are expected to begin in Transylvania after the first of the year.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Woman Who Donated Kidney To Husband Wants It Back:...

Mail Carrier Surprised by Red Tail Boa Wrapped Around Mailbox:   Police report that a Kansas letter carrier was unable to carry out some of those Postal Service duties, after finding a Red Tail Boa snake on someone’s mailbox.  Laugh if you want, but its sure one hell of a way to stop porch pirates from stealing your Amazon deliveries.  Boy, these postal workers will find any excuse not deliver the mail.  Sounds like Postal Traumatic Snake Disorder. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Iowa Man in Trouble for Selling Coffin on Craig’s List:  An Iowa man is in hot water after placing a classified ad on Craig’s List to sell an oak coffin - conveniently forgetting to mention that there were still bones inside.  Police say the man has been arrested and could be prosecuted for open container. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Ducks Invade CVS Pharmacy in Upstate New York:  Security cameras recorded a brace of some 50 ducks invading a...

Zurich to Open Prostitution Drive-Throughs:  The Swiss city of Zurich has approved a measure that will open prostitution “drive-throughs” in the city, where customers can place their orders for one of 40 prostitutes and then have sex with them in a wooden booth.  Now I have no idea what they’re gonna call these “drive-throughs,” but I think “Jack in the Box” or “In-N-Out” seems to be a pretty good fit.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com   Top Cancer Scientist Loses Funding After Bullying Claims:   One of Britain’s leading genetic cancer scientists has had £3.5m in grant money revoked after allegations of bullying by 45 current and former colleagues.  In related news, rumor has it that officials are about to investigate bullying in Parkinson’s research also.  You can bet that has a lot of people shaking in their shoes. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Japan Urging Citizens to Stockpile Toilet Paper:  After recent disas...

Khloé Kardashian on Vacation in Mexico:   The tabloids are reporting that reality star Khloé Kardashian has been showing off her “beach body” while vacationing in Puerto Vallarta.  First off, I’d like to know why it is that every Bigfoot picture always seems so grainy and slightly out of focus?  But come on, she’s on vacation from what - shopping sprees in Beverly Hills?  Isn’t her entire life more or less a vacation?  Anyway, that’s certainly an interesting application for "Fix A Flat.”  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Mystery Hairy Sea Monster Washes Up on Siberian Beach:  The remains of what is being described as a giant, hairy monster have been discovered washed up on the shore of the Pacific side Bering Sea, leaving local residents speculating as to what it could possibly be.  While I’m certainly no marine biologist, my guess is that its either one of the Kardashian sisters without makeup, an old Trump toupée or a Hairy Houdi...

Prosecutors May Charge Teen Who Pushed Her Friend Off Bridge:   Prosecutors in Washington will consider charging an 18-year-old teen who pushed her 16-year-old friend off a bridge in Vancouver, Wash, sending her plummeting 60 feet to the river below and leaving her with several broken ribs, a bruised esophagus and an injured trachea.  My guess is that she will not only be looking at some serious legal issues, but she also faces the possibility of getting unfriended on Facebook.  That said, I fully understand why prosecutors are just “considering” charges.  After all, they don’t wanna just “jump” to conclusions.  And to make matters even worse, I hear the Russian judges only gave the poor girl a 6 for style and form on her jump. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Study Finds More Guns Being Allowed On College Campuses:  A new study found that more colleges and universities nationwide are now permitting students to bring guns onto campus.   ...