You've Got to Be Kidding?

Fox News Stands By Laura Ingraham After Defense of White Supremacist:   Fox News said they are standing by Laura Ingraham’s defense of white supremacist Paul Nehle, after he and other extremists have been disciplined or banned by social media for promoting racism, anti-semitism and dangerous conspiracy theories.  Ingraham arguing this amounts to social media silencing “prominent voices” in our society. Wow, so Ingraham and Fox News have suddenly become defenders of free speech?  And, in the name of fairness, they’re demanding social media outlets provide “prominent” white supremacists, Neo-Nazis and fascists a platform to express their views?  Interesting!   OK, so I’m guessing that - by that same logic, Ingraham and Fox also believe people like “prominent” sex offenders and serial killers also deserve access to sites such as Facebook, Snapchat, and Instagram - just to make sure we’re hearing all sides of the story.  After all, let’s not forget P...

UK Student’s Nissan Entirely Covered With 20,000 Bees:  A student in Portsmouth, England recently awoke to a living nightmare - 20,000 bees covering his Nissan Micra - which was parked just outside of his home.   A neighbor yelled out that somebody ought to call the police, but it turned out the cops were already on the way due to all the buzz this incident was generating.  When police finally arrived and asked who owned the car, the student’s girlfriend told them “this car belongs to my honey.”  The cops looked over at the car and said “wow, now that’s what I call one sweet ride.”   Anyway, after clearing out all the bees from the vehicle, police told the grateful student to “bee careful” where he parks his car from now on. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

MacKenzie Bezos to Donate Half of Her Fortune to Charity:   After her divorce with Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos, MacKenzie Bezos announced that she will donate at least half of her nearly $37 billion divorce settlement to “charity." Wow, what a development!  And in related news, the White House just issued a statement, vehemently denying that the President is looking into the possibility of legally changing his name from “Trump" to “Charity.”    Now, while this certainly appears to be a nice gesture on her part, it always strikes me as rather bizarre when insanely wealthy people like the Bezos or Walton families make these charitable donations.   Especially, when you consider how many of their employees are forced to apply for food stamps, Medicare and Section 8 housing - just to survive.  Is it just me, or does it seem like millions and millions of dollars get donated to charity every year, yet nothing ever seems to change? That said, on the o...

GOP Rep Defends Former Navy SEAL Accused of War Crimes:   Rep. Duncan Hunter of California is making a rather odd defense of former Navy SEAL Chief Eddie Gallagher, who’s been accused of war crimes - including shooting a teenage girl and an elderly man to death in Iraq, indiscriminately opening fire into crowds and intimidating witnesses, including fellow Navy SEALs who tried to report him.  Anyway, in defending Gallagher, Hunter is admitting that he also took photos and videos of himself with dead enemy bodies while serving in the Marine Corps. Well, we’re certainly at an interesting point in our history, when we now have elected officials proudly admitting to having committed war crimes.  Is it just me, or does the Republican Party under Trump seem to be constantly inventing new ways to prove what horrible excuses for human beings they’ve become?  Of course, criminal complaints are nothing new to Duncan Hunter.  After all, he and his wife are facing...

Texas Church Will Pay for Cohabiting Congregants to Marry:   A church in Dallas is offering to pay for the weddings of unmarried church congregants, if they’ll just agree to get married through the church, and quit living in sin. Now, I’m sure they’ll be skeptics who will say these church folks aren’t just doing this out of the goodness of their hearts, like forgetting to mention there’s also a slight $2500 processing fee.  On the other hand, others will argue that “at least this church is putting their money where their mouth is.”  Perhaps, but I gotta be honest here and say “I really don’t wanna know where their mouth is.”    Anyway, my feeling is - if these guys are really serious about helping people stop sinning, I wonder if they’d agree to donate some money to help vote Trump out of office in 2020 - so I can finally quit taking the Lord’s name in vain every time I turn on the news. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

NASA Exec Leading Moon Mission Quits Just Weeks After Appointment:   NASA executive Mark Sirangelo, tasked with leading the strategy to return U.S. astronauts to the moon, has stepped down just six weeks after his appointment.  Now I’m no rocket scientist, but my guess is he and Trump must have clashed over Trump’s plan to go with coal-powered rockets.  Anyway, after Sirangelo resigned, Trump told reporters "Nobody knew space travel could be so complicated.”   One thing’s for sure, Trump sure doesn’t seem to have much luck keeping his appointees.  I mean, its pretty sad when the turnover of Trump staffers is worse than at Burger King. That said, who can blame the poor guy for resigning?  I mean, how you supposed to work on a space mission alongside Trump appointees who despise science, think the earth is flat and that all the prior moon missions were staged in Hollywood? https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Traffic Jam on Mt Everest Summit Blamed for Four More Fatalities:   A massive traffic jam of climbers at the summit of Mt Everest - also referred to as the “death zone,” is being blamed for two of the four new deaths reported this week on the mountain, heightening concerns that the drive for profits is trumping safety on the world’s highest peak. Wait a minute?  You’re telling me there’s a frigg’in traffic jam at the top of Mount Everest?  Get serious!  And these crazy fools are paying $11,000, just for the privilege to climb all the way up to the top of the world in the freezing cold, only to have to wait 200-deep in line for up to 12 hours - just to get their picture taken from on top of the mountain?  And, if that isn’t bad enough - then, they have to turn around and climb all the way back down again.  And its still freezing cold!  I mean, it isn’t like you can just hail a cab from up there.  And, let’s be brutally honest here folks...

Trump Announces $16 Billion in Aid for Farmers Hit by Trade War:   Flanked by more than a dozen U.S. farmers - some in bright red MAGA hats - President Donald Trump announced a $16 billion farm aid bailout, designed to offset losses from his trade war with China. Now, if I’m understanding this correctly, President Trump is portraying himself as a hero for offering agribusiness conglomerates a $16 billion taxpayer bailout - for a problem HE created?  Wow, now that’s what I call some serious PR skills!    The thing is, if one didn’t know any better, one might mistakenly get the impression that all this smells a helluva lot like some slick politician, trying to purchase votes to compensate for his utterly incompetent trade policies. And, not to sound skeptical, but what do you suppose are the odds that the bulk of this $16 billion bailout will ultimately find it’s way right into in the coffers of huge mega-corporations like Monsanto, Cargill, DowDuPont ...

Trump’s Golfing Costs Taxpayers $102 Million And Counting:   A new report indicates Donald Trump’s golfing habits have already cost taxpayers $102 million - and next month he’s scheduled to run up a whopping seven-figure presidential visit to Ireland, just so he can play at his own personal golf course there. Is it just me, or is does it seem a little odd we’ve spent more on Donald Trump’s golfing excursions in the past two years than most top pro golfers will ever make in their entire careers?  Not to mention that most of Trump’s golfing is at Trump golf courses, with everyone in his entourage staying in Trump hotels - so most of the money spent - ends up in Trump pockets.  Gee, sounds like a pretty good gig - if you can it.  So let’s see, we taxpayers have spent $102 million so far on Trump’s golfing, which is roughly 255 times the annual Presidential salary Trump volunteered not to take - and three times the cost of Robert Mueller’s investigation - a c...

Trump Directs Attorney General Barr to Look Into Locking Up Democrats:   During a recent and rather bazaar rally in Pennsylvania, President Trump expressed anger at Fox News for inviting too many Democrats on their channel, joked about remaining in office for five full terms and even promised to have Attorney General Barr look into locking up Democrats for investigating him.  Now, if memory serves me correctly, this isn’t the first time President Trump has “joked” about what would essentially amount to him being appointed “President for Life.”  Why, if one didn’t know better, they might think he’s testing the waters.  Letting us get comfortable with the idea. Not to mention that a President of the United States is now actually asking his Attorney General to look into “locking up Democrats?”  Gee, what kind of national leaders lock up their political opponents?  Oh yea, its dictators, military juntas and third world despots.  Funny thing is,...

Critics In Awe Over Pikey the Cat’s Acting Debate:  This is the only known pic of Pikey the Cat during his acting debut. Yea, this is pretty powerful stuff, which is why I had to post it. I showed this pic to a friend of mine and she was utterly speechless - couldn't say a word.  I said "what's the matter, cat got your tongue?" She told me no, she had already lost most of her tongue during a botched dental surgery about eight years ago back in Keokuk, Iowa.  I asked her if she sued and she turned around, looked me right in the eyes - and said “suing would be out of the question."  Turns out, her dentist was also her lawyer.  Hell, I just shook my head and walked away as fast as my feet would carry me.  I was in total shock.  That's right, I needed a place to vomit, yet somehow, almost instinctively, I knew that the dry goods section in Trader Joe's was no place to do it - all the time, and knowing full-well, Pikey the Cat wouldn’t hesit...

GOP Lawmaker Says Trump’s Conduct Crosses Impeachment Threshold:   Rep. Justin Amash (R-Mich.), has become the first Republican congressman to publicly state that, based on the Mueller Report - the President “engaged in impeachable conduct.”  Rep. Amash further added that Attorney General Barr “deliberately misrepresented” the Mueller Report’s findings to congress and to the American public. Oh boy!   One can only imagine the 3 AM tweet storm that’s gonna emanate from Trump’s porcelain throne over this level of betrayal.  I’ll tell you another thing, disloyalty of this magnitude to the Cult of Trump isn’t likely to set well in America’s trailer parks either.   But then again, what else is new?  After all, Republicans have never viewed reality as being in their best interests.  Now, I have no idea how all this is gonna finally go down, but I do know one thing - Justin Amash is definitely not gonna get an invite to Donald Trump's next wedding....

Trump Accuses FBI of Treason Over Investigation of His Campaign:   President Trump claims his 2016 campaign was “conclusively spied on,” accusing the responsible parties like the FBI of “treason” and threatening everyone involved with “long jail sentences.” Is it just me, or does Trump’s rambling sound just a wee bit too similar to some medieval king shouting “off with their heads!”  I mean, about the only thing missing here is Attorney General Barr drawing up plans to convert Trump Tower into a 21st century “Tower of London.”  Hell, I’m sure he could convince Stephen Miller to run the dungeons.   But jailing the investigators?  Come on!  That seems like a pretty tepid response, especially when it’s pretty obvious Trump considers ANYONE who disagrees with him “guilty of treason.”  That said, I’m pretty sure most Americans could get behind the President's idea of “long jail sentences” for traitors.  In fact, that’s precisely why so m...

Scientists Create New Life Form Using Human-Made DNA:   Scientists announced they’ve created a living organism whose DNA is entirely human-made - which experts are calling a new form of life and a milestone in the field of synthetic biology.   Wow, how exciting!  And to think those new organisms will now have their whole “artificial lives” ahead of them.  Hell, perhaps Lori Loughlin could even give them some useful tips about how to get their “artificial offspring” accepted into USC. On the other hand, if they’re anything like us, in a couple of generations, they’ll be complaining about how the quality of “artificial life” has gone way down from what it used to be. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Neanderthals Split From Humans Much Earlier Than Thought:   A new study suggests that modern humans may have split from our closest relatives the Neanderthals over 800,000 years ago, hundreds of thousands of years earlier than had been previously thought.  That said, researchers say they still managed to get together every year or so for family reunions. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Jeff Bezos Envisions Space Habitats Housing a Trillion People:   During a recent secretive event in Washington DC, Jeff Bezos outlined his ambitious, futuristic vision for space colonization, including self-sustaining habitats that could house a trillion people in space and have an ideal climate at all times - like Maui on its best day all year long.  Yea well, good luck meeting Amazon Prime’s two-day delivery promise on that one - Mr Smartypants. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Shocking New Study Reveals Moon is Shrinking Due to Moonquakes:   Accor...

Donald Jr. Agrees to Testify Before Senate Intelligence Committee:   Donald Trump Jr. has finally reached a agreement to testify before the Senate Intelligence Committee, but it has to be closed testimony, not lasting for more than four hours and, only a limited number of questions will be allowed to be asked of Don Jr. Unfortunately, for anyone interested in Trump Jr’s testimony, that limited number of questions Don Jr agreed to answer turns out to be only two - and those two questions will likely be taken up by “What is your name?” and “Do you swear to tell whole the truth?”  After that, the session is basically over. What I find interesting is, President Trump and his family of grifters seem much more concerned about how they’re portrayed on SNL, then what any congressional committee thinks about him.  Oh well, as the saying goes, “it ain't over till the fat man’s in Sing-Sing.” https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Christian Group Getting Bible Classes Put in Public Schools Nationwide:   Students taking mandatory Bible classes in public school is now becoming increasingly common scene across the US, as other states follow Kentucky’s lead in passing legislation which encourages high schools to teach the Christian Bible. Gee, then I wonder if that means school boards will now start issuing students stone tablets instead of text books?  Just for authenticity, mind you.  But public schools ruled under Christian Law?  OK, but let’s not forget the Book of Leviticus mandates menstruating females be sent to “menstrual huts,” and children who disobey their parents must be killed.  And while that may seem a bit harsh, on a positive note - I guess it’s one sure way to reduce class sizes.  Meanwhile, some parents report that their children were even forced to draw pictures of Adam and Eve walking among the dinosaurs.  Now, just wait a minute, that’s where I have t...

Trump Welcomes Hungarian Strongman to White House:  Even though Hungarian Prime Minister Viktor Orban is basically considered a pariah by most of Europe because of his dismantling of Hungary’s democratic institutions, shutting down opposition media, eliminating independent courts, cruel treatment of asylum seekers and frequent anti-Semitic provocations, President Trump is all set to welcome him to the White House this week. Oh well - another day, another dictator invited to the White House to be praised by President Trump for being such a "strong leader.”  No big deal.  After all, the world seems to be full of them these days and, as President Trump will likely remind us, “we have some very fine dictators on both sides.”     I mean, Trump’s best pals are not just your average demagogic strongmen, they read like a “Who’s Who” of world dictators - Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong-un, Rodrigo Duterte and now - Viktor Orban - and that’s just a partial list. ...

Trump Positions Himself as the Star of the National July 4th Celebration:   Its being reported that President Trump has essentially taken over the nation’s premier Fourth of July celebration in Washington and put himself in the starring role, turning what has always been a nonpartisan celebration of our nation’s founding - into a Donald Trump campaign rally. Wow, talk about a coincidence!  Who knew that National Donald Trump Appreciation Day also falls on the 4th of July?  Anyway, this celebration just sounds terrific!  So, it appears that El Presidente Trump is finally gonna have his military parade after all, one way or another.  And, if that wasn’t enough to pique your interest, word has it that the stage will be adorned with two giant banners of the President, dressed in a special 4th of July “red, white and blue diaper."   All I can say is, it’s really a damn shame Leni Riefenstahl is no longer around to film all the festivities.  ...

GOP Lawmaker Tells Pro-Vaccine Medical Expert to Stop Advocating Sorcery:  During testimony before a legislative committee, Texas GOP State Rep. Jonathan Stickland confronted Texas pediatrician-scientist and vaccine advocate Dr. Peter Hotez, telling him that vaccines are nothing but sorcery and extremely dangerous, scientists are “typical leftists, trying to take credit for something only the Lord God Almighty is in control of,” and that people who think otherwise are nothing but “brainwashed commies.” Gee, Rep. Strickland sure makes some good points, but I’d like to add to that if I may.  Sorcery is also how that light comes on when your refrigerator door opens, sorcery is how they can make people small enough to fit inside your television set and sorcery is how those big, heavy, silver airplanes manage to stay way up in the air. If you ask me, what Rep. Strickland needs to do is find himself a doctor that even his church pastor would approve of.  That’ll strai...

Fox & Friends Shower Trump With Praise for Losing $1 Billion:   The day after it was reported in the New York Times that Donald Trump lost over a billion dollars in a ten-year period, the hosts over at Fox & Friends spent their entire morning heaping praise on the President and his keen business savvy, with co-host Brian Kilmeade even adding “that is, if you consider a billion dollars a lot of money.”  Call me crazy, but only Donald Trump could " achieve " a billion dollar loss - and then get complimented for it.  Funny, but I don’t seem to remember Steve Jobs, Bill Gates, Warren Buffett or Jeff Bezos ever losing over a billion dollars in a decade.   Of course, in all fairness - I suppose losing a billion dollars would sound like a huge success to your average Trump supporter, who’s been struggling for the past ten years to finally pass that GED test.   But, in some regard, I suppose they’re right.  Trump does appear to have a unique...

NY Times Obtains Trump’s Tax Returns Showing Massive Losses:  The New York Times has obtained Donald Trump’s tax returns for the years 1985 through 1994, showing the President lost a massive $1.17 billion for that decade - losses which permitted him to avoid paying any taxes at all for eight of those ten years. Gee, and all these massive losses occurred at the same time Trump was busy hawking his book “The Art of the Deal.”  The way I see it, if Trump’s ability to “deal” is considered an “art,” then its art at about the third grade level.  I mean, this guy’s loses averaged over a $100 million every year - for ten years ! That said, it will be interesting to see how Sarah Sanders and Fox News spin this one.  Why, if one didn’t watch Fox News, one might get the impression that through his own incompetence - Donald Trump lost so much money that about the only way he could remain in business, was by laundering Russian mob money.   Imagine, we have a ...

French Telecom Giant Orange Sued After 19 Suicides:   French telecom giant “Orange” is being sued for moral harassment as well as other charges, after 19 employees killed themselves and another 12 attempted suicide over a period of three-years - with hundreds of employees blaming the company’s toxic work culture for much of the employees’ mental health issues.   Word has it the telecom giant initially tried to explain it all away by claiming these employees just decided they didn’t wanna go on living anymore after being told that American comedian Jerry Lewis was dead. Of course, here in America, we have our own “orange” problem, in the form of an orange President - whom, I suspect, has made more than a few of people - wish they that were dead. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Only Vaccinated Passengers Allowed Off Quarantined Scientology Ship:   Health officials in Curacao say only those who’ve already been vaccinated or have previously had the measles will be allowed to leave the quarantined Scientology “cruise ship” Freewinds. Good grief, the horror those passengers on that ship must be facing is almost incomprehensible.  No, I’m not talking about the measles, but the horror of being stuck indefinitely abroad a Scientology ship. Personally, I’m almost as concerned about the spread of Scientology as I am about the spread of the measles.  Especially, when you consider Scientology is a disease known to completely overwhelm an otherwise rational mind, basically eliminating one’s ability to exercise critical thinking.   And before you know it, victims find themselves uttering insane things such as “you know, what Donald Trump’s saying - sure makes a lot of sense.”  On thing’s for sure, the unhealthiest thing about that s...