You've Got to Be Kidding?

FBI Warned Giuliani He was Target of a Russian Influence Operation:  It’s being reported that the FBI warned Rudy Giuliani, Sen. Ron Johnson (R-Wis.), and conservative media outlets such as One America News (OAN) in late 2019, that they were the target of a Russian influence operation - aimed at circulating lies intended to damage Joe Biden politically in order to influence the outcome of the 2020 election. Perhaps, but no matter how much evidence the Feds may have on him, Giuliani may end up proving to be an extremely difficult person to prosecute in court.  That’s because he’s consistently shown time after time that he’s capable of cutting some of the nastiest farts imaginable while being questioned on the witness stand - thereby making cross-examination nearly impossible without sophisticated respiratory equipment. I mean, given these new revelations, one does have to ask, just who in the hell would continue having contact with Russian operatives, after they’ve been w...

USDA Calls Republican Claims of Biden Planning Meat Ban a Fabrication:  The U.S. Department of Agriculture (USDA) said Monday that there is absolutely no truth whatsoever to a story being circulated by The Daily Mail and Fox News , claiming that President Biden’s climate plan intends to limit the consumption of red meat by US citizens.  Fox News host and former Trump advisor Larry Kudlow took it one step further, complaining that we’ll soon all be forced to drink “plant-based beer.” Wow, forced to drink “plant-based” beer?  Why, no wonder all Trump’s beer-drinking fans are “hopping” mad.  Now, wait just a minute!  Do you suppose Larry Kudlow really believes that beer comes from dairy cattle?  Because that assumption would be udderly false.   Fortunately, Trump “patriots” have already begun stockpiling cattle in preparation for the upcoming beef ban.  I can hear these brave souls now “if Biden wants to try to take away the source of my high choles...

EU Says Vaccinated Americans Can Visit Europe This Summer:   European Commission president Ursula von der Leyen told the NY Times that Americans who have been fully vaccinated against COVID-19, will be allowed to visit the European Union (EU) this summer - more than a year after nonessential travel was suspended between the U.S. and Europe amid the pandemic. Unfortunately for America’s Trump supporters, the EU also warned that bleach injections and Hydroxychloroquine don’t count.  Oh well, no big deal.  After all, most Trump anti-vaxxers probably haven’t ventured more than two or three miles beyond their front lawns in many years anyway.  Besides, even if they can’t go to Europe, they’ll always have Branson, Missouri.   In the meantime, shortly after the EU decision was announced, the Austrian Board of Tourism immediately put out an emergency bulletin, reminding those American tourists who may be dyslexic that “there are no koala bears or kangaroos in Austr...

Scientists Making Strides Into How Dinosaurs May Have Mated:   Scientists from the University of Bristol and the University of Massachusetts Amherst revealed in the journal Current Biology that research on a Regaliceratops peterhewsi fossil, has allowed them to draw some rather interesting conclusions in their attempt to discover exactly how dinosaurs may have mated. Now, wait a minute!  Just what kind of people sit around thinking about dinosaurs having sex anyway?  Why, I certainly don’t.  I mean, I could have sworn that I saw a film way back when that claimed that the dinosaurs actually came into being through a cloning effort being conducted on some remote tropical island called Isla Nublar , just off Costa Rica.   Now, as far as dinosaurs mating, I’m quite sure -  as folks like Marjorie Taylor Greene or any good evangelical Donald Trump-loving Christian will tell you - “dinosaur mating happened when a mommy dinosaur and a daddy dinosaur loved each ...

Trump May Soon Be Relocating to New Jersey:  Insiders say that former President Donald Trump and his team, may soon be “temporarily” relocating from his Palm Beach Mar-A-Lago resort - to his golf course in Bedminster, New Jersey. Well, at least that’ll make him closer to Rikers Island - which will hopefully become his next destination. Not to mention, this move should drastically reduce his commute time for all his eventual upcoming court hearings.  The fact is, the Trump’s have to keep moving, so no one can serve them papers.  Perhaps Cher described it best when she sang - “Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves.”  In addition, I’m pretty sure that all of Trump’s Florida marks, have all pretty much been milked by now anyway.  Besides, Mar-a-Logo closes down every year just after Memorial Day, due to the hot and humid weather in South Florida.  God knows all that heat and humidity must really do a number on Trump’s hairdo.  So, I guess this pretty much make...

New Findings Indicate Tyrannosaurs Likely Hunted in Packs:   Challenging long-held assumptions that the iconic dinosaurs were solitary predators, new fossils unearthed in Utah's Grand Staircase-Escalante National Monument indicate that Tyrannosaurs probably hunted in packs.   The new findings could provide fresh support for the Biden administration as it considers expanding the boundaries of this once-protected area that former President Donald Trump cut in half back in 2017. Oh great - so now they tell me these monsters actually hunted in packs?   Oh how fun!  I guess that means that all my worst recurring nightmares - can now have a brand new theme.  Oh, so that doesn’t scare you at all?  Well sure, everybody thinks they’re a big tough guy, till a pack of these T-Rexes shows up down the block.  Hell, the way I look at it, about the only thing worse than being hunted down by a T-Rex - would be being hunted down by a whole pack of “We-Rexes.” Of c...

Far-Right Pastor Tony Spell Says God’ll Protect Us From COVID:  New data show that the largest group of anti-vaxxers are actually white, politically far-right, evangelical Christians, who now account for one-fourth of the US population.   So, when CNN asked Pastor Tony Spell of the Life Tabernacle Church in Louisiana, why is he telling his congregation not to get vaccinated, he said it was because he’d rather die free, than live life on his knees.   Pastor Spell went on to assure the reporter that he’s not a politician - he’s a “prophet.” Now, I can’t say for sure whether or not Pastor Spell is actually a “prophet,” but I can testify to the fact that he sure appears to be making quite a handsome “profit.”  And, a great big, fat “tax-free profit” at that!  In fact, word has it most of his sermons begin something like this “Now, let us prey - on the half-witted morons who are actually dumb enough to attend church services here.” I mean, instead of advocating...

Marjorie Taylor Greene to Form a New Anglo-Saxon Caucus:   Several House Republicans, led by Reps. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA) and Paul Gosar (R-Ariz), have announced the forming of the America First Caucus, a group that calls for a "common respect for uniquely Anglo-Saxon traditions,” including “politics, culture, and the engineering and aesthetic values that befit the progeny of European architecture.” Oops - sounds like someone just said all the “quiet parts” of the Republican Party platform - right out loud.  Seems like kind of a long, convoluted way to say “white supremacy,” but OK - we get it.  Of course, we all know that most conservatives would just love to turn back the clock, but come on - 1066 is a wee bit much, even for Trump supporters.   In fact, many Republicans think having a solely “Anglo-Saxon Caucus,” makes the party look bad because it isn’t inclusive enough.  Instead, they suggest calling it the “Caucasian Caucus” - so all the “white ...

Marjorie Taylor Greene and Lauren Boebert Downvote National Marrow Donor Program:  In what is being described as a move completely devoid of compassion, CNN is reporting that Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA) and Lauren Boebert (R-CO) were the only two members of Congress who voted against a bill that would have reauthorized the National Marrow Donor Program , which matches bone marrow donors and cord blood units with patients who have leukemia and other diseases. Now, just who in the hell would vote against a Bone Marrow Donor program?  Hell, I don’t even think Bond villains would try to pull off something that evil.  I mean, what the hell?  Could they possibly have been bought off by some pro-Leukemia Lobby group or something?  Or, perhaps they think that leukemia is really just a hoax?  Either way, I gotta hand it to them, because not only are these two “owning the Libs,” but now they’re “owning the Leukemia patients” too. Of course, I’m pretty sure if ...

GOP Lawmaker Vetoes Suicide Education Bill Over Teaching of Evolution:   Wyoming has always had either the highest, or nearly the highest suicide rate in the country, so HB 62 was introduced to include suicide prevention instruction in a health and safety program.   Unfortunately, the bill was ultimately voted down by Republican lawmakers such as State Rep. John Bear - whose own son died of suicide more than a decade ago - because he contends that teaching kids about suicide prevention is useless given that evolution is also taught in public schools - therefore, there’s no point in trying to teach kids that their life has any meaning. Oh, now I get it - Rep. Bear is trying his best to warn us that “guns don’t kill, evolutionary biology classes do!”  And, while some may laugh, I actually do see his point.  After all, who can deny that the graveyards around some of our nation’s most prestigious universities are littered with the graves of despondent former biology ...

FDA Urges Limits on Heavy Metals Like Arsenic and Lead in Baby Foods:   After a congressional report found that many of the products made by the country’s largest commercial baby food manufacturers contain significant levels of lead, arsenic, cadmium, and mercury, the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has finally agreed to urge companies to put limits on these toxins - this, after receiving considerable pressure from outraged parents and advocacy groups.   Research indicates exposure to even small amounts of heavy metals at an early age may increase the risk of numerous health problems, including lower IQ, behavioral problems, autism and attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder. Gee, so you mean limiting things such as arsenic and lead levels in baby food wasn't already a “thing?”  Guess that pretty much explains the existence of groups like QAnon and why 74 million people voted for Donald Trump in 2020.  Hell, this sounds more like the plot of some low-budget, H...

Tucker Carlson’s Racist White Replacement Theory Stirs Controversy:   Fox News host Tucker Carlson is causing quite an uproar over recently promoting the old racist, anti-Semitic, neo-fascist, conspiratorial “white replacement theory” on his highly-rated Fox News show, adding that leftists are “trying to replace the current electorate” with “more obedient voters from the Third World.” Gee, is it just me, or does there seem to be an awful lot of “whine supremacy” in Tucker Carlson's “white supremacy” rants these days?  And, to further add to his woes, it was just announced that a Japanese guy has replaced a white guy as the new Masters golf champion.   Anyway, I get that Tucker’s really, really concerned that he’s gonna be replaced by immigrants.  Of course, while I’m certainly no pollster, I suspect there’s one helluva lot of people out there who’d be absolutely thrilled if Tucker Carlson got replaced by an immigrant. Now, not to be overly critical, but let’s...

Gun Nut Republican Lauren Boebert Tells Christians to Forget the Natural Realm:   Conspiracy theorist, assault weapon fetishist, and Trump-supporting Republican congresswoman Lauren Boebert, exploded into a massive “word salad” after being asked on The Victory Channel’s “Flashpoint” show this week “what is it American Christians need to do?”   This led Boebert to advise Christians not to “be distracted by what you are seeing in the natural,” adding that “we are taking ground in the spirit realm” and “it has to take place there before we actually see it here in the natural” because “God has a great plan for America.”     Wow, now I have to admit that I haven’t the slightest idea what the hell she’s talking about, but in all fairness - I’m not taking any of those medications that her target audience is taking.  The fact is, when most of us actually look into that “natural realm” that Rep. Boebert mentioned, what we really see is an absolutely insane person - w...

Televangelist Says Soros’ Black Student Scholarships Ruined South Africa:   Right Wing Watch reports that Mississippi First Harvest Ministries’ Pastor Shane Vaughn told his flock this week that when philanthropist George Soros offered scholarships to Black students in South Africa during the Apartheid era, it ruined a “wonderful nation” by removing its culture, its traditions, its rule of law, as well as the basic foundations of society - turning the races against one another and creating an open society. Gee, sounds like all that book-learn’n is really dangerous stuff.  Who knew that educating young people was such a terrible affront to God?  Good thing Pastor Vaughn is there to inform us about what a wonderful place apartheid South Africa really was.  And, I’m sure it was pretty a nice setup, but the question is - for whom?  I mean, hard to imagine anyone complaining about the fact that roughly 9% of the population were enslaving the other 91%?  Espec...

NRA Bankruptcy Hearing Exposes Lavish Spending and Russian Expenditures:  Those following the bankruptcy case of the National Rifle Association (NRA), know that the hearing has already produced scores of embarrassing revelations about lavish spending, such as providing chief executive Wayne LaPierre with a 108-foot luxury yacht and a brand new $6.5 million mansion for his “personal security” after the Parkland, Florida killings.   Now, it’s also been disclosed that a law firm sent NRA Secretary and General Counsel John Frazer's office a mysterious invoice in 2020 for $59,155.25 - which was simply labeled as “Russia.” Gee whiz, so if I’m understanding all this correctly, NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre is basically saying that “the only way to stop a bad guy with a gun, is by providing a millionaire NRA executive with a huge mansion and a 108-foot luxury yacht.”  Interesting concept!  Now, I’m not sure that makes a whole lot of sense, but then again - I’ve never been all that...

Gaetz Sought Blanket Pardon From Trump White House:   The New York Times reports that Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-Fla.) sought a blanket pre-emptive pardon from the White House during the final weeks of President Trump’s administration, a revelation that comes as the lawmaker finds himself the subject of a federal sex-trafficking investigation. Oh, now I see how it all came down - “Mr. President, I did absolutely nothing wrong, and I’m gonna need a complete, blanket pardon to confirm that!”  Gee, sounds like Mr, Gaetz didn’t come up with all that cash Trump demands for his pardons.  Now, I don’t like to spread rumors, but it sounds like Republicans may very well be running a child prostitution ring - out of a pizza parlor.  Word has it that the operation is being called “PizzaGaetz.”   Fact is, when a guy who pays a porn star $130,000 in hush money thinks you’re too much of a dirtbag to deal with - you’re really a dirtbag!  I mean, Matt met his last gir...

Trump Issues Easter Statement of Rage and Resentment About Election:  Former President Donald Trump kicked off Easter morning in an odd way, by wishing everyone a "Happy Easter ” - but then adding “including the Radical Left CRAZIES who rigged our Presidential Election, and want to destroy our Country!” Oh no!  Sounds like the poor little fella needs his diaper changed - he's crying again.  Guess this means that the Trumps won’t be attending church this Easter, unless it’s the Church of the Eighteen Holes.  The truth is, Trump’s spent more time in Stormy Daniels than he ever has inside a church. But gee, I always thought Easter was supposed to be about how Christ died and was resurrected to “forgive all of our sins.”  On the other hand, Trump never “forgives” anybody for anything - especially people who voted against him.  Why, to hear to him tell it, you’d think it was Donald Trump - who was the one hanging up there on that cross.  On the other...