You've Got to Be Kidding?

White House Communications Director Hope Hicks Resigning:   Just one day after testifying in front of the House Intelligence Committee and acknowledging having told little “white lies” for President Trump, White House Communications Director Hope Hicks is resigning.  This has some analysts wondering whether the Administration will be able to find another such loyal and trusted employee as Hicks.  Hell, if you ask me - that’s the least of their concerns.  Just watch Fox News some evening and you’ll quickly find there’s no shortage of “hicks” out there - willing to lie and cheat for this administration. http://www.johnnyrobish.com    Three Space Station Astronauts Land in Kazakhstan:  Three members of the Expedition 54 crew aboard the International Space Station (ISS), returned to Earth on after months in space, landing at a site southeast of the remote town of Dzhezkazgan in Kazakhstan.  In a rather embarrassing moment for local offic...

Jared Kushner Loses Top-Secret Security Clearance:   Politico is reporting that White House senior advisor Jared Kushner has had his top security clearance downgraded. A Kushner spokesperson downplayed the change in status, pointing out that his security clearance has simply been downgraded from “top secret” to “Russian Collaborator” - which is basically the same as most other White House staffers.   In the interim, Mr. Kushner - who had been busy working on a Middle East peace agreement, will now be assigned the task of trying to resolve the long-running feud between Taylor Swift and Katy Perry. http://www.johnnyrobish.com

Trump Claims He Would Rescue Students Without Weapon:   President Trump renewed his criticism of an armed sheriff’s deputy who failed to enter a high school in Parkland, Florida, during a mass shooting this month, saying he would have run into the building even if he did not possess a weapon.  Good for him, because as we all know - about the only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun - is a bad President without one. http://www.johnnyrobish.com Drunken Man Rides Horse Onto California Freeway:   Authorities say a drunken California man was arrested and booked after riding his horse onto a busy freeway near Long Beach.  The man’s attorney says he plans to plead not-guilty and is blaming the entire incident on those damn Apple Maps. http://www.johnnyrobish.com New Snail Goo Technology Could Replace Stitches:  Biologists are working on a new medical first-aid made from “snail goo” which could render stitches and staples obsolete because...

New “ Poop Pill” Could Help Infection Victims:  Scientists say a "poop pill" - a capsule that contains fecal microbes from a family member - may hold the key to healing an infection that kills 14,000 Americans and sickens more than a half-million each year.  Geez, as if most of us don’t already take enough crap from our families, now someone invented a pill for that? http://www.johnnyrobish.com Self-Doubt Also Found in Animal Kingdom:  Humans aren't the only animals filled with self-doubt as a recent study found that monkeys often question their own thinking as well.  Yea, like “what the hell was I thinking when I volunteered for that UCLA castration study?” http://www.johnnyrobish.com Selling More Than Just Donuts and Coffee:  A 29-year-old woman working the night shift at Dunkin’ Donuts faces prostitution charges for allegedly taking breaks from selling donuts and coffee to provide sexual services in exchange for money.  Yea, pr...

FBI Looks Into Russian Funding of Trump Campaign Through NRA:  Its being reported that the FBI is investigating whether Russian banker Alexander Torshin, who has very close ties to Vladimir Putin, funneled money through the National Rifle Association (NRA) into Donald Trump’s presidential campaign.  Wow, it looks like the NRA may have been Putin a bunch of Russian money right in their pockets.  Its comforting to know the Russians are generous enough to spend their own hard-earned money to ensure our country’s trailer parks remain heavily armed. http://www.johnnyrobish.com  Scientists Listen For Sounds Volcanoes Make Just Before Erupting:   According to a new study, eavesdropping on the rumblings of a volcano may help scientists predict when an eruption is coming.  Yea, if you can believe what they say.  If you ask me, most of what comes out of a volcano’s mouth is just a bunch of hot air. http://www.johnnyrobish.com NRA CEO Wa...

Trump Plan Gives Teachers Bonuses for Carrying Guns in Class:   President Donald Trump is reportedly proposing a plan that would award teachers with bonuses if they carry guns with them in class, which the President feels would be much cheaper than hiring armed security guards.  Hell, if its about saving money, why not just ship all our kids over to Afghanistan for school?  Teachers there are already armed - problem solved! http://www.johnnyrobish.com    Study Finds Neanderthals Not Humans Were Earth First Artists:   Researchers say Neanderthals were painting on cave walls in Spain 65,000 years ago - tens of thousands of years before modern humans even arrived.  Yea, well if you ask me, that was the least of their accomplishments.  What I wanna know is, how in the hell were they able to convince saber-toothed tigers to sit still long enough to get their portraits painted on cave walls? http://www.johnnyrobish.com Home Where J...

Florida Lawmakers Find Porn More Dangerous Than Assault Weapons:  Students from Florida’s Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School, where 17 kids were recently murdered and scores injured in yet another mass shooting - were left in tears after their pleas for rational assault weapon laws were ignored by Florida lawmakers, who’ve decided that porn is a much more pressing public health risk than assault weapons.  That’s interesting because - I’m pretty sure at this point, any definition of “obscene” would surely have to include these Florida lawmakers.  And I wonder how long before one of these brave lawmakers - protecting us from porn, will be busted with a huge stash of porn on their own computer?  On a positive note, guess the NRA now has themselves a brand new slogan, “Guns don’t kill, nudie pictures do.” http://www.johnnyrobish.com    US Hate Groups Proliferate in Trump’s First Year:   The Southern Poverty Law Center found that the number o...

New Dinosaurs Being Discovered in Record Numbers:   Scientists say the frequency of new dinosaur discoveries has spiked dramatically in the past twenty years or so - and many of those new finds are dramatically changing everything we had previously thought we knew about these monstrous beasts. You bet it is!  Let’s take for example the giant flying dinosaur named Pterodactylus.  Who could have known that the “P” in Pterodactylus is actually silent?  There was no indication of that in the fossil record until recently.  Or how about the fact that Bigfoot was actually only a size 8 shoe?  One may legitimately wonder why podiatrists have been silence on this issue for all these years. Then, there’s the recently discovered fact that T. Rex was not a predator at all, but actually a scavenger who had feathers.  While I’m no paleontologist, I’m guessing that must mean that these theropods were essentially homeless, cross-dressers.  And who co...

Man's Flatulence Forces Plane to Make Emergency Landing:   A Transavia flight from Dubai to Amsterdam was forced to make an emergency landing in Vienna after two Dutch passengers picked a fight with another passenger - who wouldn’t stop breaking wind during the flight.  Wow - sounds like terrorism has really hit a new low with this.  But come on, why didn’t those Dutch guys just open a few windows rather than make a big stink about it?  Kind of makes you long for the good old days when they just had “snakes on a plane.”  Folks, here’s a free travel tip - never eat beans, hot dogs, burritos, hard-boiled eggs or broccoli before boarding a plane!  Of course, Transavia immediately issued a statement saying that they stand “firmly behind” the cabin crew and pilot’s decision to remove the Dutch passengers who started the fight.  OK, that’s easy enough, but the real test is - will any of them dare to stand “firmly behind” that farting passenger?...

Trump EPA Chief Has Unusual Waiver to Fly in First Class:   The Environmental Protection Agency is refusing to release the written waiver that allows Administrator Scott Pruitt to fly regularly in first or business class for security reasons - a practice that sets him apart both from his predecessors and other current Cabinet members.  I get it - I mean, if you’re the head of an agency promoting a clean environment, the last thing you wanna do is be associated with all that disgusting filth sitting back in coach. http://www.johnnyrobish.com Bill Gates Announces Foundation to Focus on Conquering Polio:  Bill Gates announced that one of the top priorities of his foundation will be to finally completely wipe out polio.  If successful conquering polio, Gate’s will then focus on ridding humanity of what he considers to be an even bigger plight - the Mac Operating System.  http://www.johnnyrobish.com   Man Holds Up Waffle House With Pitc...

Laura Ingraham Thinks Athletes Should Shut Up and Dribble:   Fox News host Laura Ingraham is being accused of racism after she replied to NBA star LeBron James’ statement that “Donald Trump doesn’t “give a f**k about the people” by saying athletes like him should stay out of politics and just “shut up and dribble.”  Now let’s see here, we have a loud-mouthed reality star, a bully, a pathological liar, a serial philanderer and misogynist and - possibly even a traitor currently sitting in the White House.  Given that, I think I’d rather listen to LeBron James' thoughts and concerns about the world situation anytime before I would Donald Trump’s.  Gee, wonder if Laura Ingraham’s ever suggested that Donald Trump “shut up?” http://www.johnnyrobish.com   Apple Employees Repeatedly Walking Into Glass Walls on New Campus:  While Apple’s new spaceship campus if a sight to behold, Bloomberg is reporting that distracted employees are repeatedly bangi...

US Education Secretary Says Schools Have Option to Arm Teachers:   In response to the recent Florida high school shooting, US Education Secretary Betsy DeVos told reporters that “schools do have the option of arming teachers.”   Interesting idea, especially when you consider most US schools don’t even have adequate funding to purchase pencils, paper or text books, but I guess there’s always plenty of money around when it comes to buying guns.   My question is, why stop with just arming the teachers?  After all, let’s not forget that about the only thing that can stop a “bad guy” with a gun - is a “good teenager” with a loaded gun.  So my suggestion is, let’s arm every school child in America with an AR15 semi-automatic rifle - but of course, for the sake of safety, only after they’ve acquired sufficient strength to allow them to pull the trigger.   As for training the kids to use these lethal weapons - how about forgoing those worthless civi...

Trump Proposes Cutting 248 Meteorologists from Tornado Alley:   President Trump is proposing gutting the National Weather Service in an area of the country that depends on forecasters and meteorologists to protect them from extreme weather events such as tornados.  On a positive note, the President promised that should a horrific storm manage to sneak up on them without warning - rendering massive devastation and death to the area, he’ll ask the rest of the country to send lots of “thoughts and prayers” their way. http://www.johnnyrobish.com   Study Finds Milky Way Galaxy Will Not Be Eaten By Andromeda:   Scientists say new research is showing that our own Milky Way galaxy will not be eaten by our closest neighbor galaxy Andromeda as was previously thought.  A NASA spokesperson said our tests indicate the Andromeda galaxy is most likely lactose intolerant, so consuming a Milky Way galaxy would not be a smart food choice for our neighbor Andromeda. ...

Inventor Hopes to Father Children With His Sex Robot:  Spanish scientist and sex robot inventor Dr. Sergio Santos claims it's only a matter of time before marriages between humans and robots become the norm and that the next logical step would be to have children with these robots.  While I like to think of myself as a fairly open-minded person, this does create one helluva lot of unanswered ethical questions like - do you raise the kids to be iOS or Android?  Or, should the sex robot’s lithium-ion batteries happen to catch fire during pregnancy, do you try and save the child or your house?  And finally, is it OK to pay female sex robots only 70% of what male sex robots make? http://www.johnnyrobish.com Lions in South Africa Kill And Eat Suspected Poacher:   According to a report out of South Africa, a suspected poacher was found dead last week after being killed and partially eaten by lions.  Wow, Bon Appetite, guys!  Talk about “justice ...

Trump Lawyer Claims $130K Stormy Daniels Payout His Money:  President Donald Trump’s personal attorney Michael Cohen is now claiming that the $130,000 payout to adult film actress Stormy Daniels came from his own pocket.   No kidding?  Hell, I can’t even get lawyers to take my phone calls, let alone pay off hookers.  Must be nice.  But I suppose its all in a day’s work when you’re the lawyer for a stable genius.  That said, what a uniquely creative way Mr Cohen has come up with to “Pay It Forward!” Anyway, funny how after the check cleared, Ms Daniels seemed to quickly transition herself from “Stormy” to “partly cloudy.”  I mean, who knew weather patterns could change that quickly?   And isn’t it interesting how Trump seems to stiff everyone he’s ever dealt with except porn stars?  That’s probably because in order to stiff them, he’d need to swallow about a bucket full of Viagra.  And if Viagra was in fact involved, ...

Succotash Suffering Up Dramatically With Trump Budget Cuts:   A new study out of the University of Saskatchewan in Canada has found that the number of suffering succotash in the United States has dramatically increased this past year, as succotash funding has all but dried up with the Trump Administration’s policy of benign neglect toward succotash. The succotash situation is said to be especially dire in red states, where compassion for what is considered to be primarily a vegetable recipe - has all but evaporated in recent years.  And while no one is quite saying “succotash sucks,” most seem totally unconcerned about the fate of this depression era mainstay.  And now, with funding almost completely gone - it appears that the unfortunate succotash - will soon be forced to suffer in silence.  Experts refer to this phenomena as Silent Succotash Suffering (SSS) and believe me - its not a pretty thing to watch.   To bolster their research, Sask...

Man’s Rectum Falls Out While Sitting on Toilet:  Doctors in China say a man had been sitting on the toilet for half an hour playing mobile phone games when his rectum fell out of his body .  Doctors caution that while they expect the man to make a full recovery, this is another example of how people can really end up losing their ass - if all they do is just sit around, playing video games all day. http://www.johnnyrobish.com NASA Spacecraft Takes Photos From 4 Billion Miles Away:   The NASA New Horizons spacecraft, which gave us close-ups of Pluto, has just set the record by taking a photograph of a star cluster while 3.79 billion miles from Earth - the farthest photograph ever taken.  Lead Trump science advisor and televangelist Jim Bakker says he has his doubts the picture is authentic and claims the image more like the right-front headlight of a 1954 DeSoto to him. http://www.johnnyrobish.com Neighbors Say Serial Killer Did Landscaping a...

Arnold Schwarzenegger to Star in TV Western for Amazon:   Arnold Schwarzenegger is set to star in Outrider , an Oklahoma western - set in back in late 1800’s and being developed by Amazon.  Now wait a minute - as if Native Americans didn’t have enough to deal with back in those days, now Amazon’s gonna inundate their ancestral homeland with former Austrian bodybuilders and multi-grain protein bars?  http://www.johnnyrobish.com  Trump Refuses to Release Democrats’ Memo:   Shortly after President Trump released a Republican classified memo despite similar warnings about security implications, he has decided not to release the Democratic rebuttal, claiming it contains data too sensitive too release.  Wow, too sensitive to release?  Sounds like this memo must contain some actual facts. http://www.johnnyrobish.com Chicago Approves Ban On Plastic Shopping Bags:  With the backing of Mayor Rahm Emanuel, Chicago has become the la...