You've Got to Be Kidding?

Judge Blocks Release of Blueprints for 3D-Printed Guns:   A federal judge in Seattle has issued a temporary restraining order to stop the release of blueprints to make untraceable and undetectable 3D-printed plastic guns, saying they could end up in the wrong hands.  Wonder if you’ll need to wear those special glasses they pass out at movie theaters to shoot one?  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com NASA Says Mars Won't Be This Close Again for 269 Years:  NASA is urging Americans to get outside tonight and look up into the sky, because Mars won't be this close to our planet again for the next 269 years, or until 2287.  Damn, I’m kind of busy this evening - I can’t make up my mind whether to check it out tonight or just wait until next time around. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com CDC Says Bathroom Most Dangerous Room in the House:  While most assume its the kitchen, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention - its...

Ivanka Trump Closes Down Her Fashion Line:   First daughter Ivanka Trump announced she will be closing down her fashion line to focus solely on advising in her father’s White House.  I have a great idea - perhaps Ivanka could now focus her “fashion designer skills” on making fashionable prison garb for herself, her family and the rest of the White House staff. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Giuliani Calls Michael Cohen a Scumbag and Traitor on CNN:  During a 32-minute rambling, incoherent interview on CNN, Trump lawyer Rudy Giuliani called Michael Cohen a traitor and “scumbag” and claimed (without any evidence) that Cohen had doctored the tapes he turned over to special counsel Robert Mueller.  Giuliani reminds me of a guy who has taken to hiding his own Easter eggs - and yet he still can’t manage to find any of them!  Trump and Giuliani are like a comedy team - without a straight man.  How quickly he’s gone from being “America’s mayor” to ...

Bronx Man Arrested for Beating Girlfriend With Bible:   A 36-year-old Bronx man was has been arrested and charged with felony assault and harassment for bashing his girlfriend on her head and shoulder with a Bible. Wow, he must have been pretty cross at her to hit her with a Bible.  He obviously was one of those “Bible thumpers.”  Wonder what verse he was reading to make him do something like that?  Must have been that verse from the Book of Trump - “do onto others whatever the hell you want to.” Anyway, the cops rushed the guy right down to the police station and “booked” him before he could try and make an Exodus.  All I know is, I don’t wanna be in the courtroom when they hand this guy a Bible and try and put him under oath. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Roseanne Was Terrified of Brown People on Island After Her Tweet:   In her first public appearance since her show was canceled after her racist tweet, Roseanne Barr confided to Sean Hannity that she was just “terrified living on an island full of brown people” after that incident. Come on now!  Instead of blaming all her anxieties on the island’s “brown people” - lets get real here.  The truth is - someone like her is always gonna feel “terrified” and outside her comfort zone whenever she leaves the familiarity of a trailer park - and this is a woman who can easily afford to go double-wide - so she obviously has a very refined sense of style. That said, I now think I totally understand why Roseanne is being barred from “Roseanne.” I mean, if she’s still claiming its Ambien that’s making her say all this nonsense, its certainly gotta be “extra strength Ambien.” https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Mueller Probe Reaches Into Trump’s Business Interests:   With the subpoena of the Trump organization’s chief financial officer Allen Weisselberg, federal investigators appear to be increasingly delving into the president’s personal business interests - an area where Trump has repeatedly said he will “draw a red line in the sand.” One thing’s for sure, drawing a “red line” shouldn’t be all that difficult for anyone in the Trump organization - given their familiarity with using “red ink.”  Ironically, its really beginning to look like that “red line” may one day turn into an orange jump suit, but I digress.  Can we say money laundering people? And to think much of these festivities are taking place because Vlad thought it might be a real hoot to see if he could actually install a bankrupt, con man, grifter family into the White House.  Now my guess is that a detailed look into Trump’s finances will reveal his actual net worth to be in the neighborhood of ar...

Astronomers Confirm Key Einstein Theory of General Relativity:   A consortium of astronomers said they had for the first time confirmed a prediction of Albert Einstein’s theory of general relativity by observing the gravitational effects of a supermassive black hole on a star zipping by it.  Now that’s just one of Einstein’s many brilliant observations.  If you ask me, his most profound observation was when he demonstrated beyond any doubt how time always flies by faster - on the weekends. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Elon Musk Shares Stunning Boring Company Tunnel Image:   Following a Hyperloop Event, Elon Musk shared an impressive picture of a 2.7 mile tunnel his The Boring Company is digging as the test bed for some of the company’s larger projects.  Good grief, who wants to look at a photograph of a damn tunnel?  BORING!  I mean, why would he assume anyone would find some hole in the ground even remotely interesting?  Can yo...

Study Says Americans Like Their Bodies Most at Age 65:  A recent poll of 80,000 adults of all ages by polling giant Gallup reveals that most Americans feel most satisfied with their bodies after age 65 .  No kidding!  By 65, most everyone’s eyesight is pretty much completely shot. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Soccer Ball Putin Gave Trump May Have a Transmitter Chip:   Russian President Vladimir Putin gave President Donald Trump an Adidas soccer ball during a news conference last week in Helsinki, Finland - and a closer examination indicates that the ball may have also contained a transmitter chip.  Of course, to someone like a Donald Trump - there’s nothing wrong with a little chip, just as long as its accompanied by a delicious dip. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Underground Lake of Liquid Water Detected on Mars:   For the first time, scientists have found a large, underground, watery lake beneath an ice cap on Mars, whi...

AG Jeff Sessions Laughs & Repeats Chants of Lock Her Up:   US Attorney General Jeff Sessions repeated students’ chants of “lock her up!” at a conservative political summit, laughing at the call to jail Donald Trump’s former election opponent Hillary Clinton.  Behavior like this by the nation’s chief law enforcement officer would normally be cause for concern that we’re in danger of becoming a banana republic, but fortunately - Trump’s import tariffs on bananas have already made that proposition way too expensive. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com   Another New Theory About Amelia Earhart Surfaces:  As usually happens about every six months, a new theory about what “really” happened to Amelia Earhart surfaces - this one claiming she and her seriously injured navigator Fred Noonan as well as her Lockheed Electra were marooned in knee-deep water on a reef off Gardner Island in the Pacific.  Well, all I can say is, let’s hope they find he...

Study Finds Home DNA Kits Wrong 40% of the Time:  A new study has determined that at-home DNA testing kits are wrong 40% of the time.  You’re telling me.  Hell, 23andMe concluded I came from a long line of gray wolves who were unable to color the gray in their fur due to severe genetic allergies to hair dye. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Russian Nuclear Scientists Arrested in Bitcoin Mining Plot:   Russian security officers have arrested several scientists working at a top-secret Russian nuclear warhead facility for the unauthorized use of one of Russia's most powerful supercomputers to mine Bitcoins.  Lawyers for the scientists say they did nothing wrong and were really just mining their own business. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Chemist Says the Perfect Cup of Joe is All About the Water:   A University of Bath computational chemist says he has discovered the secret to creating the perfect cup of coffee and its “all ab...

Republicans Couldn't Care Less What Critics Say About Trump:   Despite weathering criticism and accusations of treason over his embrace of Vladimir Putin in Helsinki, Donald Trump has been bolstered enough with a 79% Republican summit approval rating that he felt confident enough to give critics the middle finger and invite the Russian autocrat back to the White House.  Great - they can have a sleepover.  Word has it Putin has accumulated some rather “interesting” home movies Trump might have an interest in watching. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Scientists Find 99-Million-Year-Old Baby Snake Preserved in Amber:   In a first of its kind, scientists say they’ve found a 99-million-year-old baby snake fossil which was found preserved in amber.  While some hope they’ll use the DNA to bring the snake back to life, others say it would be a cruel mistake because so much has changed in the last 99-million-years - the snake might have trouble adjusting ...

Roseanne Barr Claims Voting for Trump Got Her Fired:   After initially blaming the drug Ambien, then various other people and entities, Roseanne Barr now is claiming that she was fired from her hit TV show simply because she voted for Donald Trump.  Interesting claim, given that she got her show AFTER Trump was elected and much of the storyline was about her BEING a Trump supporter.  Now if my calculations are correct, about the only ones she hasn’t blamed so far are the “lizard people.” https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Democrats Less Likely to Cheat on Spouses than Republicans:   According to researchers who matched voter records to 80,000 accounts hacked from adultery website Ashley Madison, Democrats used the website substantially less than other US voters.  In response, an angry Donald Trump, Newt Gingrich, Larry Craig, Roy Moore, Mark Sanford and Arnold Schwarzenegger held a news conference to denounce the study as nothing but more “fake news...

Gotti Grandson Arrested for Operating Illegal Car Scrap Yard:   The grandson of John Gotti has been arrested in Queens for falsifying business records and operating an unregistered scrap yard which authorities claim scrapped approximately 400 vehicles between Feb. 14th and April 5th.  A license?  Fuggedaboutit!  But come on, this is nothing.  Hell, my neighbor's driveway could probably be considered an "illegal scrapyard.”  Anyway, I guess Gotti can “scrap” that idea.  On a positive note, given his familiarity with the waste business - maybe Trump will now consider him for the next EPA director. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com President Trump to Invite Putin to Washington in the Autumn:  The White House announced that President Trump has asked national security adviser John Bolton to invite Russian President Vladimir Putin to Washington in the autumn.  Wow, that was quick!  Didn’t they just have a 2 hour conjugal visit in...

Sunken Russian Warship With $130 Billion in Gold Has Been Found:   A treasure-hunting company says fifty percent of an estimated $130 billion worth of gold bullion and coins they located on a sunken Russian warship that sank 113 years ago during the Russo-Japanese war off a South Korean island, will be returned to the Russian government.  Gee, are they sure this isn’t really Jeff Bezos' boat - trying to make off with all that Amazon Prime Day booty he raked in over the past few days?  But come on  - $130 billion in pure gold?  I mean, Mr. T could make one helava necklace out of that.   So the treasure-hunters promised to give “half” the loot back to the Russians?  Don’t be surprised if in the next few days - you read about a bunch of treasure hunters who were found dead from nerve gas poisoning.   One thing’s for sure, with that kind of dough, Russia can throw itself one helava party.  They’ll be “Putin on the Ritz” so to speak....

Deadly New Venomous Snake Discovered in Australia:   In a chance discovery, a team of biologists were returning from a sea snake research mission in Queensland, Australia when they discovered a deadly new venomous species of snake.  Gee, I’m blown away!  I mean, what are the odds of finding some sort of deadly serpent in a place like Australia?  Ironically, President Trump has already heaping praise on the snake and is reportedly trying to organize a summit between the snake, Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong-un and himself.  http://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com  Hunter-Gathers Were Baking 4,000 Years Before Birth of Farming:   After digging up pieces from the world’s oldest loaf of bread, Archaeologists claim they now have evidence that hunter-gatherers were baking bread thousands of years before the birth of farming.  Yea, but you can just bet there is gonna be someone in the group complaining about the bread because they’re gluten-free. ...

Trump on the Hot Seat Over Helsinki Summit With Putin:   President Donald Trump is taking plenty of heat from both sides of the aisle over his praise of Russian President Vladimir Putin in Helsinki, just days U.S. intelligence assessments determined that Moscow had mounted a comprehensive attack against the U.S. electoral system in 2016.   To be completely fair, I had extremely low expectations about Trump’s meeting with Putin anyway, and I think its safe to say - my expectations were fully met.  Gotta hand it to Putin though, I don’t think even Sasha Baron Cohen could have played Trump better.  That said, you can’t really consider Trump fully responsible, because this is the kind of thing that can happen when you mix ADHD medication with bone spur medication.  Let’s look on the positive side, at least Trump hasn’t offered to give Alaska back to the Russians yet. http://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Trump Asks Why Obama Didn’t Do Something About Russia:   President Trump reacted to the indictment of 12 Russian military officers “for conspiring to interfere with the 2016 presidential election” by blaming former President Obama and the “deep state” and asking “why didn’t Obama do something?”  Interesting comment - given that Obama imposed sanctions on Russia in December 2016 for election meddling and expelled 35 Russian diplomats.  Is it just me, or shouldn’t the real question be, why the hell doesn't Trump do something NOW?  That said, I suppose as long as Trump and Putin don’t decide to go shirtless horseback riding together during their upcoming meeting, we’re all gonna be that much farther ahead for it. http://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Ghostly Particles Give Scientists New Understanding of Universe:  A breakthrough in the study of ghostly particles, called high-energy neutrinos - that traverse space, zipping unimpeded through people, pl...

Charges Against Stormy Daniels Dropped After Ohio Arrest:   Charges against adult film actress Stormy Daniels have been dropped less than 24 hours after she was arrested in a strip club in Columbus - Ohio law prohibits anyone in a sexually oriented business from knowingly touching a patron or another employee who is not a member of their immediate family.  Gee, people in a sexually oriented business can only legally touch members of their immediate family?  Now I’m no legal expert, but that sounds like incest.  Talk about an “extended family!”  Meanwhile, Stormy Daniels’ fans are saying the Ohio vice squad - is not a very nice squad. http://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Neutrino That Struck Antarctica Traced to Galaxy 3.7B Light Years Away:   Astronomers are claiming that high-energy neutrinos that crashed into Earth in Antarctica, has been traced back to a galaxy that is some 3.7 billion light years away.  Wow, blaming a galaxy so far away s...

Jeff Bezos Plans Charging $200,000 to 300,000 for Space Rides:   According to people familiar with his plans, Jeff Bezos’ rocket company Blue Origin plans to charge passengers $200,000 to $300,000 for its first trips into outer space next year.   Good grief, that’s a pretty good chunk of change.  Why isn’t this included in my Amazon Prime membership?  After all, they just raised the fees by twenty bucks a year - they can afford it.  And with Trump and Bezos fighting like crazy, it’d be my luck we’d just get up there, only to get shot down by one of Trump’s Space Force patrols.    But all that aside, I suppose if someone actually has enough spare cash to spend on a trip like that, you may as well just go for the full $300K package.  I mean, what’s the point of going all the way into outer space, if you don’t even have a damn window seat? After all, this isn’t exactly the kind of flight where you just wanna kick back and watch in-fli...