You've Got to Be Kidding?

Trump Visits Pittsburgh to Console Jewish Mourners:  Amid thousands of protestors, President Donald Trump visited the Pittsburgh synagogue to offer condolences to Jewish worshipers who were mourning the 11 people shot to death during Sabbath prayers.  Why, what a sweet gesture for the Trumps to go and offer condolences to mourners at a synagogue that was all shot up by one of his rabid followers who committed the crime after becoming all fired up by the President’s inflammatory, conspiracy theory-laden speeches.  And look, it kind of appears that Melania may have even brought pizza for everyone to snack on.  It doesn’t get sweeter than that! https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com     Trump to Sign Executive Order to End Birthright Citizenship:  Declaring that “birthright citizenship has to end,” President Trump promised loyal followers he will sign an executive order to end the centuries-long, 14th amendment-protected practice.  Gee, appa...

Trump to Deploy 5200 More Troops to the Mexican Border:  The Pentagon and Homeland Security announced that President Trump has ordered another 5,200 active duty soldiers, military helicopters and giant spools of razor wire to the Mexican border to bolster the 2,000 National Guard troops already there to curtail what the President is referring to as an “invasion."  And the good news is - Mexico is going to pay for it all.  Imagine that!  All we’ll need to do is simply fax the bill down to them and they’ll just reimburse us for everything at a later, unspecified date.  You know, the check is in the e-mail.  By the way, how’s that wall coming along anyway?  Anyone heard? But it’s a good thing the President is getting Mexico to pay for all this, because after all - it ain’t cheap sending all those heavily armed troops and equipment to face down all those unarmed, starving, exhausted women and children seeking refuge from crime, sexual assault, p...

Divorce Rates Higher When Men Do Household Chores:  A new study out of Norway found that divorce rates are far higher when men help with the housework and much lower when women do all the chores.  So guys, the next time your wife tells you to take out the trash - ask her if that means she wants a divorce.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com New Study Looks at Married Women and Sex:  A new study found that while most married women say they still value sex, two thirds say they would much rather be doing something else such as going to the spa, watching a movie, using Facebook or just chatting with friends.  Wait a minute - men enjoy all those activities also - just as long as they’re gonna lead up to sex. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Americans Throw Away a Pound of Food Every Day:  It’s been determined that Americans waste or throw out a pound of food a day on average.  Oh really - because with US obesity rates running upw...

Televangelist Claims if Democrats Win They’ll Slaughter Thousands Of Christians:   Christian TV host Rick Wiles is warning his viewers that if Democrats win back power, they will slaughter “tens of thousands of Christians.”  I’ll tell you what, this guy knows what the hell he’s talking about, cause I’ve seen them myself - tens of millions of them - well-trained and heavily-armed Democrat, communist atheists - just sitting around drinking their cafe lattes, cussing and swearing, watching CNN and Robert De Niro movies , mocking President Trump, reading science books, baking wedding cakes for gay people and having abortions - all this, while they wait for George Soros to give the order to attack.  It’s not very pretty my friend. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Survey Finds Very Few Smokers Know Sugar is Added to Cigarettes:  A new survey suggests that very few smokers are aware that sugar has been added to cigarettes and that that added sugar increases t...

Vintage German Plane Crashes Onto California Freeway:  Fortunately, no one was injured as a vintage German aircraft with markings of Germany’s Luftwaffe, crashed onto the 101 Freeway in the Los Angeles area and burst into flames.  Now I’m certainly so aviation expert, but I do know this - if there was a beagle at the controls of the other plane, then Snoopy wins again! https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Taller People at Greater Risk of Cancer:   New research has suggests taller people have a significantly greater risk of cancer because they are bigger and so have more cells in their bodies in which dangerous cancerous mutations can occur.  Well, I guess that’s basically the long and the short of it.  Meanwhile, health officials have begun urging taller people to walk hunched-over with the hope cancer cells won’t realize how tall you actually are. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Shallow Waters Allowed Early Creatures to Experiment Wit...

Trump Calls for Civility After Bombs Sent to Opponents:  President Trump is calling for more civility after pipe bombs were mailed to two former presidents as well as numerous other prominent Democrats, former Obama CIA director and Trump critic John Brennan, the CNN headquarters in New York and liberal billionaire activist George Soros’ home. Now this civility he’s asking for sounds like a grand idea - assuming he isn’t defining “civility" as having some secret slush fund pay all the bomber’s legal bills.  I mean, remember back when Trump said he could shoot someone in the street and not lose any votes?  I think we're there folks. Meanwhile, prominent Trump supporters are already propagating conspiracy theories such as “the liberals sent these bombs to themselves.”  Which actually makes a lot of sense when you think about it - I mean, Hillary sent that deadly bomb to herself - just as she colluded with Russia to lose the last presidential election. ...

Dyson Set to Manufacture Its Electric Car in Singapore:   After helping convince people in the UK to support Brexit, iconic UK vacuum manufacturer Dyson just announced it will manufacture its new electric car at a plant in Singapore.  Building their factory in Singapore instead of the UK after encouraging everyone to vote for Brexit?  Well - that sucks almost as much as their vacuums do. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com  World's Oldest Intact Shipwreck Found Off the Coast of Bulgaria:   The world’s oldest, intact shipwreck - thought to be an ancient Greek merchant ship, has been discovered off the coast of Bulgaria, with a complete rudder, rowing benches, and hold.  While maritime archaeologists were really jubilant about the find, President Trump told reporters that he prefers ships that stay above the water. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Study Finds Most Americans Wish to Die Before Hitting 100:  A Pew Research surv...

Donald Trump Tells Michigan Crowd He’s a Nationalist:  Speaking to a crowd of rabid followers in Michigan, President Donald Trump told the crowd that even though it may not be popular to say these days, he is a proud “nationalist.”  Gee, the term “nationalist” is getting pretty damn close to other terms which are “no longer popular.”  Terms which lost popularity after WW II.  Of course, in all fairness, you can’t really say he’s a “white nationalist” - because he paints his face orange. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Human Poop Found to Be Full of Plastic:   Scientists say plastics that are dumped into our oceans break down into microscopic bits and are then consumed up the food chain - eventually ending up getting pooped out in human stools.  So, for those of you who say “I don’t really give a crap about all the plastics in our oceans” - turns out that you do after all. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com  Mars May Have En...

Canada Running Out of Marijuana Two Days after Legalization:   Marijuana retailers across Canada have reportedly been experiencing shortages or running out of stock entirely just two days after the country moved to legalize the recreational sale of marijuana.  The shortage is apparently so  severe   the UN General Assembly voted unanimously to ask Willie Nelson to head up to Canada to do a benefit concert.  One thing’s for sure, if Canada is finally able to replenish its pot supplies - Santa’s going to really enjoy those Canadian Christmas cookies this year.   https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com BepiColombo Launches on Long Journey to Mercury:   BepiColombo, a joint mission of the European and Japanese space agencies, set off from a launchpad in French Guiana aboard an Ariane 5 rocket on its long journey to Mercury.  Geez, Mercury is right next to the sun - so a lot can go wrong.  One thing’s for certain, if this mission fail...

Televangelist Claims Her Prayers Held Back Anti-Kavanaugh Demons:   Televangelist Billye Brim appeared on “The Jim Bakker Show,” where she reported that she was in Washington, D.C., recently to lead a prayer effort against the demons that were seeking to prevent the confirmation of Brett Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court. Gee, wonder if those demons liked beer?  Hell, if they do, Kavanaugh and his friends should just buy those demons a few brewskis to win them over.  On the other hand, if she’s right and the demons really did try and stop Kavanaugh’s appointment, then I’m voting straight demon this November.  In fact, I’m now praying to those very demons and asking them to turn Trump into a lying, moronic, self-centered orange buffoon.  Oh wait - come to think of it, I guess that prayer really won’t be necessary after all.  Never mind! https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Piranha-Like Fish Fossil Discovered in Germany:   Researchers say they’ve discovered an ancient Piranha-like fish in Germany - a fish that would have been capable of ripping the flesh right off the bones of its prey.  Scientists say these finds are normally rather difficult to date, but luckily - the fish was found wrapped in a very old New York Times crossword puzzle section, so they just dated it using that. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Amazon Rolls Out Whisper Mode for Alexa:   Amazon is rolling out its “Whisper Mode” for all its Alexa products - with the smart assistant responding in kind to your whispered commands.  This whisper feature is expected to be extremely useful to protect the confidentiality of people sooooo stupid that they have to ask Alexa questions such as “who is the President of Puerto Rico?” or “can the baby get pregnant if a woman has sex with a man during pregnancy?”  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Clim...

China to Launch Artificial Moon Into Orbit to Light Up City:   Chinese officials say they plan to launch a satellite into orbit by 2020 that will act as an artificial moon - one that will be able to directly reflect light from the sun onto the streets of Chengdu, China at night, a city of nearly 14 million people. Wow, this is just a fantastic news - especially for those who feel we just don’t have enough light pollution here on Earth.  I mean, just think of it - a gigantic headlight, shining down from outer space - directly into our bedroom windows at night.  What could be more comforting than that?  Now is it just me, or does this sound like it’s gonna be one hell on an expensive light bulb?   Of course afterwards, I suppose they’ll need to send up something to block the sun during day, just to try and counteract all the negative effects caused by reflecting all that sunlight down to earth during the night when it’s supposed to be dark.  Hell,...

Scientists Find Pain Reliever in Coffee Similar to Morphine:   Brazilian scientists say they’ve discovered a protein in coffee that has effects similar to the pain reliever morphine.  The only difference being that buying morphine is sure a helluva lot cheaper than buying coffee at Starbucks.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Research Shows Meteorites Triggering Avalanches on Mars:   A research team has concluded that as meteorites careen toward the surface of Mars, they often trigger massive avalanches, even before they hit the ground.  Fortunately, no injuries have been reported. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Brothel Owner and Republican Candidate Dennis Hof Dies:   Dennis Hof, the ultra-conservative brothel owner who won the Republican primary for the Nevada state legislature and who was good pals with the likes of Donald Trump, former Arizona sheriff Joe Arpaio, Tax Reform President Grover Norquist and Tucker Carlson, ha...

Hawking Predicted Wealthy Will Create Superhuman Race:   In a collection of articles and essays, the late physicist Stephen Hawking is still creating controversy by suggesting a new race of superhumans that could destroy the rest of humanity may develop through wealthy people having their and their children’s DNA edited.  Sounds like a dire prediction.  On the other hand, if it helps eliminate all the idiot drivers on the road, I’m all for it.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Kidman Claims Tom Cruise Marriage Kept Her From Being Sexually Harassed:   In a recent interview, Oscar-winning actress Nicole Kidman claimed that she felt that being married to an extremely powerful man like Tom Cruise protected her from being sexually harassed.  Hell, if that theory is correct, then it sounds like probably about the safest thing an actress could do back in those days - would have been to marry Bill Cosby or Harvey Weinstein. https://www.johnny...

Iconic American Brewer Bill Coors Dies at 102:   Bill Coors, a pioneer in the American brewing industry and former chairman of the Adolph Coors Company, died peacefully at his home at age 102.  The family is asking everyone that in lieu of sending flowers, please pick up a couple of six packs at your local 7-Eleven and get good and hammered instead. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Hundreds of Dietary Supplements Tainted with Prescription Drugs:   A new study found that more than 750 supplement brands have been found to be tainted with a prescription drug, with the most common drugs being generic Viagra, sibutramine (a banned weight-loss drug) and synthetic steroids.  Interesting topic for me, because I quit gave up alcohol and coffee quite a long time ago, so now I have to take beer, wine and caffeine supplements.  And to be completely honest, I have my doubts about whether those supplements actually work, especially since the spokesperson’s name...

Melania Trump Says Her "I Really Don’t Care" Jacket Was a Message:   After initially denying the "I Really Don’t Care" jacket she wore to visit immigrant kids at a border detention center had no hidden message, Melania Trump admitted to ABC News that she wore it for the left wing media who criticize her and said they should concentrate on her initiatives instead of what she wears. I have to admit, she does make a good point here.  I mean, being a former fashion model, I’m sure no one has ever commented on any article of clothing she has ever worn before.  And we all know that no one has so much as even described an outfit a First Lady was wearing until she came to the White House.    And how dare the press balk at her wearing a jacket that reads "I Really Don’t Care” while she’s headed down for a photo op with children her husband snatched away from their parents and locked-up in cages like animals.   And why don’t they ever mention her ant...

President Trump Praises Robert E. Lee at Ohio Rally:   At his recent Lebanon, Ohio campaign rally, President Donald Trump raised eyebrows after he praised Confederate icon Robert E. Lee, claiming Abraham Lincoln even developed a phobia, because he couldn’t beat Lee.   Gee, I can hardly wait to see who get praised at future rallies - you folks probably don’t know it, but John Wilkes Booth was a really great actor!  Or how about Hitler was a really terrific artist?  Or perhaps he could point out what a fantastic singer/song writer that Charles Manson was?  The possibilities seem endless.   Anyway, it’s a kind of a shame that none of Trump’s staff - which is comprised of “all the best people” - never got around to telling our stable genius of a President that Ohio fought for the Union - not the Confederacy.  You see, those of us who sided with the Union in that conflict - we tend to prefer generals who didn’t surrender. https://www.johnnyrob...