You've Got to Be Kidding?

Fordham Confirms Trump Threatened School if Grades Became Public:  After former Trump lawyer Michael Cohen testified to Congress that Trump directed him to write letters warning his old schools and the College Board not to disclose his grades or SAT scores, Fordham University has confirmed they received a letter threatening legal action if Trump’s academic records became public.   Well, I for one don’t blame him for wanting to keep all that secret.  I mean, this is a guy who’s SAT’s were likely so low, he probably couldn’t have gotten admitted into Tump University.  Besides, I see no valid reason to release them.  After all, he proves he’s a moron on a daily basis anyway.   I mean, is anyone really surprised that a guy who couldn’t even figure out how to operate an umbrella - doesn’t want his grades to go public?  Of course, to be completely fair - there’s always the possibility that his hands were simply too tiny to handle the job. As fo...

China Including More Women in Their Astronaut Program:  Fans of social equality are praising China’s move to include more females in their space program, including 33-year-old Chinese military pilot Liu Yang who became the country’s first woman in space.  Interesting, because I always suspected my ex-girlfriend secretly wanted to be an astronaut too.  Hell, she was always talking about “I need my space.” https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Poll Finds Southerners Less Likely to Visit Dentist:   According to a new Gallup poll, residents of Southern states are much less likely to visit the dentist than anywhere else in the nation.  Guess that explains the "last dentist for 60 miles” highway sign I saw when I drove through Alabama last year.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Study Finds Giving Monetary Rewards Help People Shed Pounds:  Researchers at the Mayo Clinic made the recent discovery that people who received financial inc...

Trump Arrives in Vietnam for Meeting With N. Korea:   Hopes for peace are running high as US President Donald J Trump is conducting his second summit with North Korean leader Kim Jong-un in Vietnam.  Now, while I have no idea whether or not this summit will bring lasting peace between the two nations, I do know one thing - old bone spurs is now gonna be claiming to be a Vietnam vet. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com    Dutch Seize 90K Bottles of Russian Vodka Intended for Kim Jong-un:  The Dutch port of Rotterdam has seized 90,000 bottles of Russian vodka believed destined for North Korean leader Kim Jong-un and his top generals.  Wow, 90 thousand bottles of Russian vodka?  Sounds like the Dutch are trying to send a message to Kim about the importance of drinking responsibly. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Models Are Eating Cotton Balls to Stay Thin:  Eddie Murphy's model daughter Bria, has revealed to the media that...

Jeff Bezos Hits the Town with Mystery Woman for Oscars After-Parties:   Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos was seen Sunday arriving at the iconic Chateau Marmont for Jay Z’s Oscar party, accompanied by an unidentified attractive woman.  News agencies later identified the mystery girl as someone who is only known publicly by the name - “Alexa.”  The conversation reportedly went something like this “so, nice to meet you Jeff.  And what do you do for a living?” https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com   Pat Robertson Claims Gays Want Weird Way of Doing Sex Legitimized:   Pat Robertson continued his agenda of hate as he told his The 700 Club viewers that all of society is on the verge of being destroyed - all because the “gay agenda” is trying to make sure “their weird way of doing sex is legitimized.”  And sadly, it appears that about the only way to prevent a bigot like him from spreading more lies, would be to travel to all the nursing homes across...

Lady Gaga Arrives at Oscars Wearing $30 Million Tiffany Diamond:   Best Actress nominee Lady Gaga arrived at the 2019 Oscars in a custom Alexander McQueen gown with major Audrey Hepburn vibes-and one of the most iconic pieces of jewelry in history, a 128.54-carat fancy yellow Tiffany diamond - thought to be worth more than $30 million.  Wow, I see she wore a long black dress.  So, I’m guessing that means Tiffany’s must have nixed the idea of her wearing the meat dress this evening. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Patriots Owner Robert Kraft Busted for Soliciting a Prostitute:   New England Patriots owner and Donald Trump pal Robert Kraft is facing charges for soliciting a prostitute on at least 2 separate occasions at the  Orchids of Asia Day Spa in Florida in Florida.  So, I see he’s added a prostitution ring to go with his six Super Bowl rings.  I’m guessing that means the grandkids will no longer be encouraged to run over sit on Gra...

Jim Bakker Says Donald Trump’s Been Spiritually Saved Many Times:   Televangelist, convicted felon and overall con-artist Jim Bakker recently bragged on his show about Donald Trump’s Christian devotion by telling followers that the President has been “saved so many times since becoming President,” that his numbers for being saved are “higher than anybody that he knows of.” And while I rarely agree with shucksters like Jim Bakker, I have to admit that he’s absolutely correct on this one.  In fact, Bakker is so spot on, I almost feel like I should purchase one of those gigantic buckets of “End Times Survival Food” he’s been hawking for the past several years, just to show my appreciation - but I digress.  The truth is, Trump has indeed been saved - many, many times.  Why, he’s been saved by his daddy’s inheritance, he’s been saved by the U.S. Bankruptcy courts, he’s been saved by the slick lawyers who payed-off all the porn stars, prostitutes and his sexual ...

Trump Nominates Billionaire Donor Kelly Knight Craft as UN Ambassador:   Donald Trump announced he has nominated Kelly Knight Craft - the US ambassador to Canada, a prominent Republican donor and the wife of billionaire coal magnate Joseph Craft - to be the United States ambassador to the United Nations. Come on!  Trump’s nominating the wife of a “prominent coal magnate” to be our ambassador to the United Nations?  That’s just crazy!  Why - with qualifications like that, she be heading up the EPA.  That said, she has been our ambassador to Canada and she’s had the guts to stand up to that wicked “Maple Menace” to the north for a while now.  That should mean something.    But don’t think that just because much of her wealth comes from coal - she’ll be biased.  After all, when the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation asked her if she believed in climate change, she told then she believes “both sides” of the climate change debate.  ...

Coast Guard Lieutenant Was Planning Widespread Domestic Terrorism:   A U.S. Coast Guard lieutenant has been arrested on gun and drug charges after officials with the US Coast Guard Investigative Service and agents of the FBI in Baltimore determined that the man is white nationalist who had a massive cache of weapons and drugs stockpiled and was in the planning stages of a plot to commit widespread domestic terrorism. Now, at first I wondered why President Trump and Fox News weren’t all over this “terrorist story,” but then I realized a white racist with a huge stockpile of deadly weapons and drugs who is planning a significant terrorist attack doesn’t nearly pose the threat that say - some gay black  actor  who lied to Chicago police about getting beaten up in some petty publicity stunt to get a raise would pose.   After all, it’s important to remember that the Trump Administration follows strict guidelines.  Why everyone patriotic American knows a "t...

Putin Suggests US Deep State Working Against Trump:   According to the New York Times, Russian President Vladimir Putin suggested during his state-of-the-nation speech that there is a "deep state" in the U.S. government working against President Trump. Gee, Trump, Fox News and Putin - all echoing the same “deep state” conspiracy theory?  Who coulda thunk it?  Why if one didn’t know better, they’d almost think that’s exactly what Mueller and his team are investigating.  Glory be! As for all this “deep state” talk - Trump, Fox News and Putin better face the fact that what they think of as the “deep state” is now almost everybody who has an IQ above room temperature.   Now, say what you want about Trump and Putin, but most relationship therapists will tell you can always tell couples that are deeply in love by the way they can finish each other's sentences. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Scientist Who Popularized Term Global Warming Dead at 87:   Wallace Smith Broecker, the Columbia University professor and researcher who raised early alarms about climate change and popularized the term "global warming,” has died at age 87.  Meanwhile, angry Trump supporters are demanding to know why it is - if global warming is supposed to be real, did he die in the dead of winter instead of from heat stroke? https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com   Kylie Jenner Claims She Was Financially Cut at Age 15:   Reality star and makeup mogul Kylie Jenner responded to critics of her being named by Forbes as “one of America’s richest self-made women,” by claiming that none of her money is inherited and her parents cut her off at age 15.  No kidding!  None of her money is inherited because no one’s died yet.  In her defense, I don’t think Kylie quite understands the full meaning of the phrase “cut off.”  I suggest if she really wants to know ...

New Civil War Memorial to Include Sculptures of Lincoln and Booth:   While the rest of the nation is engaged in deep discussions over the statues and monuments of the Civil War, the town of Taneytown, Md is considering building a new memorial - one that would include not only Union heroes such as Lincoln and Grant, but also Confederate icons such as Robert E Lee and none other than Lincoln assassin John Wilkes Booth. Perfect!  Hell, Taneytown is only about 15 miles from Camp David - why Donald Trump could easily drop by and pay a visit when he’s in the neighborhood to highlight the “there’s good people on both sides” aspect of the memorial for visitors. But, come on, why stop there?  I mean, if you’re gonna build a memorial that includes John Wilkes Booth, then why not a statue of Osama bin Laden in New York City or how about a Lee Harvey Oswald memorial in Dallas?  Hell, I don’t even remember who knocked off Garfield and McKinley anymore, but I’m sure t...

Lindsey Graham Says Kentucky Kids Better Off With a Wall Than Schools:  During an interview on Face the Nation, Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC) defended spending billions on a border wall instead of doing projects like upgrading rundown schools in Kentucky by claiming “the children of Kentucky need a border wall much more than they need new schools." No kidding - they have schools in Kentucky?  Who knew?  My question is, how can immigrants at the Mexican border be an issue in Kentucky?  Besides, even poor, desperate immigrants don’t wanna end up in Kentucky - “ah thanks for the offer, but I think we’ll just walk back to El Salvador.” One thing’s for sure, the pervasive stupidity in places like Kentucky is a much more pressing emergency than anything that’s happening way down on the Mexican border.  I mean, Kentucky is full of the kind of folks whom Trump has somehow convinced that “the Constitution is Unconstitutional.”  Come to think of it, no wonder...

Vatican Defrocks Former US Cardinal McCarrick for Sex Abuse:   Former Cardinal Theodore McCarrick has been found guilty by the Vatican of sex abuse and defrocked, becoming the highest-ranking churchman and the first cardinal to be punished by dismissal from the clerical state. Sooooo, it seems McCarrick can no longer celebrate mass, perform sacraments, wear clerical vestments or be addressed by his religious title - oh, in other words - he can no longer play “dress up” while he’s inside the church.  Now of course - it isn’t simply the Catholics.  The Protestants have been in on the action too.  Newly released documents show that over the past decade, more than 250 staffers and volunteers with Southern Baptist churches have been “charged with sex crimes” against more than 700 victims.   And come on - this McCarrick is now 88-years-old!  Interesting how they wait until the until the guy’s just moments away from becoming compost before doing anythin...

Trump Admits There’s No Real National Emergency:  After declaring a national emergency at the border so he can raid the military budget for funding for his wall, President Trump then basically admitted in the same nationally televised appearance in the Rose Garden that he doesn’t really view the situation at the border as an emergency, but doing so will just get things done much faster.” Good grief, Trump just kneecapped his own case for a “national emergency.”  But then again, I suppose we shouldn’t be all that surprised when a moron, elected by morons - behaves like a moron.  I mean, it’s just simple math. That said, I think most sane people in this country have already figured out that “I didn't get what I want when I wanted it” doesn’t really constitute a national emergency. Of course, Trump insists we need the wall to stop drugs from coming into this country.  Great, then my suggestion is - how about starting by not laundering any more Russian m...

Trump to Sign Budget Deal and Declare National Emergency:  President Trump has agreed to sign the massive budget deal moving through Congress in time to avert an impending government shutdown, but will also declare a national emergency so he can get the additional money needed for his border wall. Gee, that Donald Trump has really got himself a pretty decent gig.  I mean, declare a national emergency - and then fly down to Mar-a-Lago to play golf for the weekend.  Sounds like good work if you can get it.  Wonder what he got Melania for Valentine’s day?  Eh, probably a portrait of himself.   But come on, Trump just finished tweeting about how great the country’s doing under his leadership.  Not to sound skeptical, but just how great can we be doing if we have to declare a national emergency?  You know, love him or hate him - I think the one thing the Trump presidency has taught us is - what a dreadful, dreadful disease late-stag...

NASA Set to Announce the Demise of the Mars Opportunity Rover:   After 15 years on the Red Planet, it appears that the incredible Mars Opportunity rover has finally gone silent and has fallen prey to a massive Martian dust storm.  Now, I’m obviously no rocket scientist, but have these NASA geniuses ever considered that Opportunity’s failure to respond to their commands may be because after having been on the Red Planet for all this time, it eventually decided to fully convert to Martian and may no longer even understand English? Otherwise, we can only conclude that NASA put millions of dollars into a Mars rover that was eventually taken down by a lousy dust allergy.  For crying out loud, why don’t they just up an antihistamine - non-drowsy of course - after all, you don’t want the damn thing going back to sleep again.  But they ought to do something - I mean, it’s not like it's millions of miles away -  oh, wait!    Other than that, abou...

Negotiators Reach Deal to Avert Government Shutdown:   Congressional negotiators have announced an "agreement in principle” on a broad spending bill they hope will satisfy President Donald Trump's demands for additional border barriers and avert another government shutdown at the end of this week.   Of course, it’s important to remember that in Donald Trump’s America of 2019, after a bill passes both the House and Senate, it still needs to be sent on to Ann Coulter and Rush Limbaugh for final approval - so there’s that.  But even so, I think it’s quite obvious that while Americans may disagree on many things, one thing we can all agree on is the need to build a two-thousand-mile-long monument to Donald Trump that will last for centuries.  I mean, who couldn’t get behind that?   And all those skeptics out there had better remember that this Trump Monument will prevent crime, illicit drugs and illegal immigration - just as effectively as our natio...

Meat Industry Trying to Axe the Word Meat From Meat Substitutes:   Meat industry lobbyists across the country are attempting to get politicians to outlaw the use of the word “meat” on the labels of products that are actually “meat substitutes.”  Yea, well my take on this is - if Fox News can still label itself as “news,” then why shouldn’t veggie burgers be able to label themselves as a kind of “meat?” https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com  Evidence of First British Beer Brewed Found in Cambridgeshire:   Evidence of the first beer believed to have been brewed in the UK, dating back more than 2,000 years, has been uncovered by road workers.  Archeologists say they were immediately able to determine the beer’s age by the “best if used by 217 BC” stamp on it.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Elon Musk ’s Tesla Roadster Has Now Traveled 226 million Miles:   It’s now been 12 months since Elon Musk shot his personal Tesla Roadster i...

Prince Philip Surrenders Driver’s License After Crash at Age 97:   After Prince Philip flipped his Land Rover last month and miraculously walked away completely uninjured from what could have been a deadly accident, Buckingham Palace has announced the 97-year-old Prince has decided to “voluntarily” surrender his driver’s license. Well, on a positive note, there’s always Uber.  Now in his defense, perhaps the Prince just forget that in the UK, they drive on the left side of the road.  That said, it’s kind of a shame he still can't keep driving just a wee bit longer - at least until President Trump pays his next visit.  I think it would be terrific if Trump had someone who really knows the area like Prince Philip does - to chauffeur him around.  Of course, here in America, we don’t have royalty, but we do have Trump - a sleazy politician who thinks he should be royalty.  Now I seriously doubt that Trump drives, but I do know that if he did - an...

Kim Kardashian Can’t Wait to Be "Enlightened" With Fourth Child:   Kim Kardashian recently told Jimmy Fallon that while her house is really full, her fourth child will be a game changer because she’s heard that “parents of four are the most enlightened and calm of all parents.” Now I hate to disagree, but I’m not quite convinced parents gain “enlightenment” simply by having more kids - otherwise, wouldn’t trailer parks be considered “beacons of enlightenment?”  Also, I have a feeling that being a Kardashian, her quest for “enlightenment” might take a bit longer than most. And gee, I don’t know if it's just me - but she sure doesn’t look pregnant.  Why if someone didn’t know better, they might assume that she simply paid someone to have her child.  Ah, who can blame her?  After all, you don’t wanna risk childbirth ruining your hot figure.  Besides, we all know it’s the thought that counts and besides - it’s a well-known fact that kids look really ...

Jeff Bezos Claims National Enquirer Trying to Blackmail Him:   In a blogpost on Medium, Amazon chief Jeff Bezos made a most atypical public disclosure - alleging that National Enquirer chief executive and longtime Trump friend David Pecker, is threatening to publish embarrassing nude photos if Bezos didn’t stop his own private investigator Gavin de Becker’s investigation of Pecker’s company. So if I’m understanding all this correctly, a guy named David Pecker is threatening to publish pictures of Jeff Bezos’ pecker if he doesn’t stop an investigation by a private dick named de Becker?  Can this be real?  Gee, sounds like that Pecker must be a real prick!  Now my question is, just who is the National Enquirer really threatening anyhow - Jeff Bezos or the rest of us?  I mean, who the hell wants to see Jeff Bezos in the nude?  That said, I’m sure there must be some people who would and Amazon is promising they will deliver them by Saturday if you ...