You've Got to Be Kidding?

Alex Jones Blames Psychosis for His Sandy Hook Hoax Claims:   During the defamation lawsuits launched by Sandy Hook families against the years-long smear campaign Alex Jones and his Infowars show have waged against the families of the school massacre that took the lives of 26 children and educators, Jones surprised many by blaming it all on “a form of psychosis” - which he claims was caused by all the media lies and distortions he’s been exposed to over the years. Gee, last time Jones and his lawyers were in a courtroom, they were trying to claim he was just playing “a character” on Infowars.  Now, it appears his “character” has developed psychosis?  Well then, perhaps they had better take all “his character’s” guns away - before he ends up hurting somebody.  And he’s blaming it all on media lies and distortions?  Excuse me, but what ever happened to blaming everything on Obama and Hillary?  My question is, if Alex Jones really does have psycho...

Nicolas Cage Annuls Marriage to Bride With Criminal Past:   Nicolas Cage cited his wife’s criminal history, including multiple DUI’s and domestic violence arrests, and the fact that he was in a total blackout drunk when he married her, as reasons why he’s seeking to have his recent latest Las Vegas marriage to Erika Koike annulled after only four days. Call me a softy, but what a really touching story this is - about two lovely people who found each other in beautiful Las Vegas, proceeded to get hammered to the gills, and then got married in one of those quickie chapels.  Excuse me, but I’m tearing up a bit here.  Makes me wonder if he was also in a blackout drunk when he agreed to star in some of those movies he’s made? Now, not to be super critical of the guy, but if you ask me - Cage should have been suspicious something was a bit off-kilter about this woman right from the start.  I mean, all he had to do was just ask himself, “wait a minute, who the hel...

Federal Judge Rejects Trump’s Plan to End-Run Obamacare:   A federal judge in Washington has ruled that the Trump administration’s push to make health insurance plans available outside the Affordable Care Act that avoid even the minimal requirements of the health-care law is illegal, calling the efforts “clearly an end-run around the ACA.” Of course, I’m certain that our poor, befuddled President doesn’t quite understand why it is he can’t have this Federal Judge immediately removed from office and arrested for not ruling the way he wished.  I mean, doesn’t this idiot judge realize this ruling gets in the way of our President’s effort to brand himself and the Republicans as the “Party of Healthcare?”  Come on, the President has basically two skills, branding and lying - and this stupid ruling interferes with both.  Now you may ask, just what the hell is this Trump healthcare replacement plan anyway?  Well, simply imagine a plan, crafted by a group of...

Scientology Members Now Consider Tom Cruise a Deity:   New reports from inside the church, say actor Tom Cruise is now considered a deity among members of Scientology.  No kidding?  Hell, I always assumed God would be a whole lot taller - you know, like David Koresh.  But it makes sense though.  After all, it’s a well known fact that any deity worth his salt has had at least 3 failed marriages.  So there’s that. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Scientists Say Scotty the T. Rex Is the Heaviest Ever Found:   Paleontologists have concluded that the remains of a 30-year-old Tyrannosaurus rex fossil nicknamed “Scotty,” which was found in the Saskatchewan province of Canada in the 1990s - is the heaviest (at 19,555 pounds) and oldest of its kind ever found.  Wow, just imagine how long “Scotty” might have lived had he taken better care of himself?  That said, it’s kind of scary to think that even millions of years after you’re dead, p...

Hubble Spots Mysterious Large Dark Spot Forming on Neptune:  Astronomers say they are now trying to identify a huge dark spot which the Hubble telescope has spotted at 23 degrees north latitude on Neptune.  Scientists say that while they still haven’t identified exactly what the dark spot is, they are fairly certain it is not malignant. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Scottish Has Woman Lived Entire Life Without Feeling Pain:   A 71-year-old Scottish grandmother with a genetic mutation thought there was nothing abnormal about the fact that she could undergo surgery, have dental work done, break bones, endure serious burns - all without the aid of painkillers.  Well, I’m certainly no expert on genetic mutations in Scotland, but if you ask me - a little nip or two of some of that Macallan 18-year-old single malt they make over there can kill just about any pain you have equally as well.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Researchers ...

Trump Wants Evil People Looked at For Treason:   During an Oval Office photo op with Israel Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, President Trump promised now that Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s report has absolved him, he isn’t about to let unnamed “evil people” off the hook who did “treasonous things against our country.” Gee, could that mean the President’s going to have himself arrested?  I mean, his is an administration which has 37 indictments against it on 199 criminal charges, resulting in 7 guilty pleas (so far), had top national security officials found to be illegally working for foreign governments, and is also being investigated for laundering billions and billions of dollars in Russian mob money through Trump properties.  It all sounds very innocent to me.   And now, the President’s apparently made the decision that criticism and mockery of him or his presidency shall be declared treason.  Not to be critical, but I’ll take "things fascis...

Thousands of Poisonous Baby Toads Plague Florida Neighborhood:   Tens of thousands of poisonous baby cane toads have completely overrun a Florida suburb and residents are reportedly just overwhelmed and fed up.  Not to worry, Governor Ron DeSantis (R) just announced he plans to saturate the area with hundreds of venomous snakes, which he’s hopeful will wanna eat all the frogs. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Key Medical Groups Push for Tax on Sugary Drinks:   For the first time, two major health organizations have issued a statement calling for the implementation of a tax on sugary drinks as a means to curb consumption among children and young adults.  Yes - and I would further insist, that any tax money collected - may only used to pay for liposuction on those kids who drank the sodas. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com    Dr Mudd’s Decedents Visit Prison Where He Was Held:   Wearing "Free Dr. Mudd" T-shirts, about 80 desc...

Fewer Candidates are Passing the California Bar Exam:  Academics are investigating as to why, for the first time in decades, most law school graduates who take the California bar exam are failing.  Well, that’s not so hard to figure out - they’ve set the bar too high.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Drunk Shoppers Huge Market for Online Companies Like Amazon:  Tech and business newsletter The Hustle surveyed more than 2000 alcohol-drinking adults about their online shopping behavior after imbibing and found that on average, shoppers spend $48 billion or $480 each on items bought while intoxicated.  Yea, like my friend’s aunt, who bought a second cemetery plot - just in case she doesn’t like the view from the first one.     https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Krispy Kreme and Panera Bread Owners Have Nazi Past:   The billionaire German family who owns a controlling stake in such brands as Krispy Kreme Doughnuts and Panera ...

Roseanne Barr Blames Sara Gilbert Tweet for Ruined Career:   Donald Trump supporter Roseanne Barr is back in the news again, this time directing all her anger and vitriol on former co-star Sara Gilbert, whom she says destroyed both her TV show and her life with a tweet critical of Roseanne’s racist comments about Valerie Jarrett - then comparing Gilbert to Hannibal Lecter. Gee, seems like it was only last week when Roseanne was blaming Michelle Obama for this whole mess.  And before that, she blamed her firing on anti-semitism over at ABC.  Of course, let us not forget, she originally blamed everything on the drug Ambien.  My, my - who knows who or what she’ll blame next?  My guess is - it will either be the athlete’s foot anti-fungal medication Tinactin, or the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand of the former Austro-Hungarian Empire.  But then again, what the hell do I know about the Austro-Hungarian Empire?  That said, it’s dif...

Montana Decides Against Sending Yellowstone Bison to Bronx Zoo:  Montana wildlife officials say that after much consideration, plans to ship 145 bison captured in Yellowstone National Park to the Bronx zoo have been canceled.  Bronx Zoo officials say that while it would have been nice to have had bison at the zoo, two things became quite apparent - 1) the animals would never be able to get a credible Bronx accent down and 2) the bison seemed to show no interest whatsoever in becoming Yankee fans.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com   Man Arrested for Toppling Ten Commandments Monument:  A man who claimed the devil told him to use his car to knock over a six-foot tall Ten Commandments monument on the grounds at the Oklahoma statehouse, has been taken into custody.   Damn, this guy not only committed malicious vandalism, he also “broke the Ten Commandments." https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Giant Solar Tornados Seen on the Sun’s S...

President Trump Escalates Attacks on John McCain:  Even as fellow Republicans repeatedly begged him to stop, President Trump escalated his unrelenting attacks on the late senator John McCain, who even in death has remained one of Trump’s top targets for abuse, complaining about things such as he never even got a “thank you” for approving McCain’s funeral.   Gee, did Trump actually expect John McCain to ring him up after his funeral to say “thank you?”  But forget about the thank you calls - hell, I know a simply way President Trump can get at least 75 million people to thank him profusely - simply resign.   And what I find perhaps most interesting about Trump’s latest attacks on John McCain is - while President Trump and his supporters probably consider John McCain an easy target because he’s dead and gone, he’s obviously still very much alive and living - inside Donald Trump’s head. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Forensic Scientists Claim Jack the Ripper Identified by DNA:   Researchers say they’ve used DNA to finally unmask Jack the Ripper, the infamous serial killer who terrorized London in the late 1800s - identifying the killer as Aaron Kosminski, a 23-year-old Polish immigrant barber.  Well, it’s about time!  Perhaps now, Londoners can finally get themselves a good night’s sleep again.  I suppose one could even say that Mr. Kosminski operated the world’s first “Supercuts.”  Unfortunately, Kosminski’s “Supercuts” seemed to be more focused on cutting the neck than cutting the hair.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Trump Exaggerated Wealth to Get $2Bn in Loans From Deutsche Bank:   A new report found that Donald Trump repeatedly exaggerated his wealth to secure huge loans of $2 billion from Germany’s Deutsche Bank, even after bankruptcies and defaults led to him to be “deemed untouchable” by other credible financial institutions.  Wow, ...

Lake Elsinore Declares Public Safety Crisis After Poppy Apocalypse:  The fields surrounding the California city of Lake Elsinore have been so abundant with strikingly colored poppies this year - drawing so many people that the city has been forced to declare a public safety crisis, with city officials claiming that "our city is simply not made for Disneyland-size crowds.”  Not made for Disneyland-size crowds?  Hell, then just charge everyone “Disneyland-sized” admission prices and - voilà, your problem is solved. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Killer Whales Spotted off Chile Likely to Be a New Species:  Marine scientists report they have encountered killer whales off the coast of southern Chile which they believe may be an entirely new species of orca that they have labeled “Type D.”  Well, maybe they’re a new species - and maybe they’re not.  Let’s remember, everything in science isn’t just black and white.  One thing's for sure, they...

Trump Threatens SNL With Federal Investigation for Mocking Him:   In his newest Sunday tweetstorm, President Donald Trump threatened “Saturday Night Live” as well as other late-night comedy shows with a federal investigation for poking fun at him, calling them completely one-sided and claiming he enjoys a 52% approval rating. Wait a minute, am I missing something here?  Since when has Donald Trump had a 52% approval rating?  Why he must be referring to some poll that HE took among his own family - or perhaps he’s talking about his popularity in Moscow or Saudi Arabia.   Of course, it’s important to realize that Trump’s tweets are little more than coded messages - intended as scraps of red meat for the knuckle-dragging fanatics in his base, and not really intended for consumption by the rest of the country - but even so, it’s a bit unsettling when a President of the United States starts threatening comedians. Of course, in all fairness to President T...

Trump Claims White Nationalism is Not a Rising Threat:  In response to a reporter’s questions about the New Zealand massacre, President Trump said the people responsible for all the violence are just a “small group of sick people,” adding that he doesn’t see how white nationalism is a rising global danger at all. Yes indeed Donald, we already know that these are a small group of people (roughly 34% of the US population), and YOU my friend - are their leader.  They’re also known as YOUR BASE.  They go to your rallies and buy your bright red MEGA hats.  In fact, these are the same folks you threatened to unleash on us just the other day should we continue to oppose your policies and investigate your shady dealings.  Remember that?  And yes, they indeed are very sick people.  That’s precisely why they support you. Now, all that’s left - is for you to once again explain to us how terribly unfair it is for the “fake news media” to pick sides...

Trump Suggests Police, Military and Bikers Could Play Rough With Foes:  Breitbart has just published an incredibly scary interview with President Trump in which the President bragged that his supporters in the military, police and even biker gangs would immediately come to his aid in a way that would be “very bad, very bad” if things such as all these Democrat-led investigations get “to a certain point.” Seriously?  A President of the United States is actually threatening violence against his political opponents?  I’ll tell you what, before Trump goes any further with these threats, he’d better make damn sure his follower’s red MEGA hats color-coordinate well with his other supporter’s brown shirts.  After all, there’s no point in offending his fashion-conscious wife and daughter and their trendy friends.  But what is really disturbing about all this - is now that we have a US President threatening what actually amounts to the majority of Americans,...

Here's a pic of me attempting to "log into" Spectrum's remote WiFi connection yesterday. Well, next thing you know - this fellow walks up and tries to convince me they have a much easier way to do it now. Do you suppose that's true, or is he one of those hackers trying to steal my damn password? https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Actors Show Different Brain Activity When in Character:   Using an MRI scanner, a trio of researchers from McMaster University in Canada found that thespians show different patterns of brain activity, depending on whether they are in character or not.   Scientists say the possible exceptions are Steven Seagal, Chuck Norris and Gary Busey, who appear to show very little or no brain activity period - whether they happen to be acting or not.   On the other hand, in order for them to test me - I’d first have to try and assume the persona of someone who doesn't become totally paranoid and claustrophobic when they have to crawl into an MRI machine. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Wealthy, Famous and Powerful Caught Up in College Bribery Scandal:   Court records in Boston reveal that 50 individuals, including actresses Felicity Huffman and Lori Loughlin, have been indicted in a nationwide college admissions bribery scam where wealthy parents paid up to $6 million to gain their children admission into some of the country’s top universities - including Yale, Stanford and USC. You’ve got to be kidding me?  Are you telling me wealthy people would rig the system so their half-witted offspring could circumvent the rules and get admitted into elite schools instead of more deserving applicants?  Say it ain’t so!  Why, our nation depends on these institutions to produce the next generation of stable geniuses.  Oh my, now what’s to become of us?   And could this also mean that Republicans aren’t being completely honest when they tell us that America today is a completely color-blind society which provides a level playing field f...

Trump’s New Budget Calls for $845 Billion in Cuts to Medicare:  President Trump has just unveiled his new budget plan, which not only doubles the money allocated for building his Donald Trump signature border wall, but also calls for more than $845 billion in cuts to Medicare - in order to counter the colossal budget deficits which have accumulated during his two years in office, mainly due to massive Republican tax cuts for the wealthy. Interesting position the Republicans are taking on this issue.  Especially, when you consider that some, like Senator Bernie Sanders - have been calling for “Medicare for All.”  Now I’m certainly no expert political strategist, but somehow “Healthcare for Less” doesn’t sound quite as inviting as “Medicare for All” as a campaign slogan - but what do I know?   That said, I can fully understand why all these insanely rich folks need their taxes cut.  I mean, paying off all the hookers, porn stars, politicians ...

Man Swept Into Bryde Whale’s Mouth and Lives:   A South African dive tour operator was swept into a Bryde Whale’s mouth as the whale passed by during a feeding frenzy, while gulping down everything in its path - but fortunately, the 51-year-old diver was ejected out of the whale’s mouth after a mere 1.8 seconds. Wow, what an incredible story of almost Biblical proportions!  I mean, first I read this - and then you tell me the Jonas Brothers are making a come back?  Coincidence - who knows?  So there’s that and - wait a minute!  Now that I think about it - why I too was in Wales once - about 10 years ago.  Just love the British Isles!   But all kidding aside, I know exactly how that whale must have felt.  Why, I had a fly buzz straight into my mouth one time.  It was disgusting!  All I can say is, I don’t wanna be the one who had to clean that off that damn wetsuit. Now what I wanna know is, how do they know this poor s...

Spa Founder Sold Chinese Businessmen Access to President Trump:   Just days after it was reported that the former owner and founder of the infamous Florida day spa busted in a high-profile prostitution ring attended President Trump’s Mar-a-Lago Super Bowl party, a new report has surfaced that the same Li Yang is also running a company that sells Chinese clients access to President Trump and members of his administration.           Which may be true, but word on the street has it that a lot of customers are quite upset after they paid extra for the “Presidential Package” - only to discover just how puny that package really is.   Of course, spa owner Li Yang will argue that she was simply trying to offer Trump and his Chinese business partners a “helping hand.”  Very slick!  I mean, these are the kind of schemes that I bet would make even John Gotti envious. Well, Trump did promise during the campaign that he would run the count...