You've Got to Be Kidding?

Sources Say John Kelly Called President Trump an Idiot:   Though he is denying it, eight current and former White House officials are claiming that White House chief of staff John Kelly is eroding morale in the West Wing, makes insulting comments about the president's intelligence and casts himself as the savior of the country. Wait a minute, are you telling me John Kelly is claiming he doesn’t really think Trump is an idiot?  Why he must be an idiot.  Put another way, at this point in the Trump presidency, anyone who doesn’t think Trump is an idiot - must be a moron.  Good grief, I’m not sure which would be the worst job, being a latrine cleaner at an interstate rest stop, or President Trump’s chief of staff.   In related news, one source with close ties to Gen Kelly is vehemently denying the idiot accusations, saying she was in the room at the time and she distinctly remembers Gen Kelly calling Trump an imbecile - not an idiot.  Others claim G...

NRA to Ban Firearms When Pence Speaks at Their Meeting:  Parkland students and others are crying hypocrisy after the National Rifle Association (NRA) - who’s working motto has always been we need more “good guys” with guns around - has decided there should be no firearms allowed when Vice President Pence speaks at its annual meeting. Wow, it almost sounds as if - unlike Parkland students, the NRA believes Mike Pence deserves to have himself a “safe space.”  But all kidding aside, I understand where the NRA coming from on this one.  I mean, suppose some fully-armed, NRA quick-draw buckaroo decides the Vice President sounded just a wee bit too liberal on some issue, and then God proceeds to tell this buckaroo that its his duty to take Pence out in order to preserve the “American Way of Life.”  That could be a bit embarrassing for the NRA.    Anyway, no matter how much the libs mock this decision, the simple truth is the NRA really does believ...

New Model Year TV’s on Sale:   Finally broke down and picked myself up a new TV. Now I'm a little short on cash, so I had to go for a 1950 model - which means it didn't come with a remote - but the salesman assured me that one should be available in another 25 years. http://www.johnnyrobish.com Art Gallery Discovers Over Half Its Paintings are Fakes:   An art gallery in the south of France, dedicated to the Catalan artist Étienne Terrus in Elne, has discovered that more than half of its collection of paintings are actually forgeries.  Museum officials urge art patrons to look on the positive side.  After all, the museum is still “half full” of authentic art. http://www.johnnyrobish.com Chanel Announces Plan to Offer “Jersey” Perfume:  Legendary French fashion and fragrance house Chanel has created a new perfume called “Jersey,” which they describe as ''relaxed chic with a dash of liberation.''  My God, could this perfume possibly b...

Bill Gates Warns of Pandemic That Could Harm 33 Million:   Bill Gates says the U.S. and other world governments are falling short in preparing the world population for the “significant probability of a large modern-day pandemic occurring in our lifetimes.”  Gates went on to add that if we don’t contain this treat now, its quite possible the majority of computers worldwide could be using the Mac Operating System instead of Windows in just a few short years. http://www.johnnyrobish.com Scientists Can Now Keep Pig’s Brain Alive Outside Its Body:   A team of scientists recently revealed they were able to keep the brain of a pig alive outside of its body for 36 hours after it had been decapitated.  I kind of feel sorry for the brain, because when you’re attached to a piece of equipment like that - its hard to get a head in life.  Always the optimist, the pig’s brain told friends - “don’t worry, I’ll be bacon my feet in no time.” http://www...

Amazon Doubles Profits - Then Hikes Prime Membership Fees:   After announcing that profits more than doubled in the first quarter, Amazon said they will be hiking their fees of the popular Amazon Prime service by 20% to $119 a year.  Profits double and they’re raising their Prime membership fees?  Good grief, Jeff Bezos is the richest man in the world - just how much more money does need?  I’m guessing $127 Billion just doesn’t stretch like it used to - especially when you factor in things like this Amazon Prime rate hike. http://www.johnnyrobish.com  Space Agencies Plan to Deliver Mars Rocks to Earth:   NASA and ESA have signed a letter of intent that could lead to the first "round trip" to another planet (Mars), where they would retrieve rocks from the Martian surface and then send them back on Earth for study.  Yea, like we don’t already have enough rocks here on Earth!  How about just following me around while I try and mow the ba...

Michael Cohen to Invoke the Fifth in Stormy Daniels Case:   Its being reported that Donald Trump’s longtime attorney Michael Cohen, plans to take the fifth in a lawsuit brought by adult entertainer Stormy Daniels. Well, well, well - seems Mr Trump’s has indeed hired all the best people.  My God, not even Al Capone’s lawyer took the fifth.  To be completely fair, I suppose if I were in Michael Cohen's shoes, I’d probably take the fifth too…either a fifth of Jack Daniel’s or a nice bottle of fine Kentucky bourbon to be specific.  But gee, didn’t the President repeatedly tell supporters that “only mobsters and criminals take the fifth?”  Guess I’ll have to side with the President on this one.  Next thing you know, Trump will be tweeting he barely knew this Michael Corleone guy.  Whoops, my mistake, I meant Michael Cohen. Anyway, the point is, this case is getting so out of control - with everything from Russian agents to shady financiers...

Amazon to Start Offering In-Car Deliveries:   In a deal with General Motors Co. and Volvo which will give its couriers access to potentially millions of vehicles in 37 U.S. markets, Amazon announced it will now start delivering packages right to your car.  Analysts say this service will be perfect for those busy professionals who are sick and tired of listening to thieves complaining about people who never have anything in their cars worth stealing. http://www.johnnyrobish.com Manhattan Project Scientist George Cowan to be Honored:  Nuclear chemist George Cowan, who passed away a few years ago at age 92, is scheduled to be honored for being one of the most influential scientists who worked on the famed Manhattan Project during World War II.  He apparently did a pretty good job, because Manhattan turned out to be a very popular place to live.  http://www.johnnyrobish.com Knoxville Woman Discovers Dead Body During Easter Egg Hunt:  ...

Aliens on Super-Earth Planets May Be Trapped by Gravity:   Researchers say that while so-called super-earths may be the most likely class of exoplanets to support life, the gravity on them would be so powerful, it would make it very unlikely any beings on them would even be able to leave their planet.   Either that, or they’re a civilization of Trump supporters - and they believe their super-earth is flat and the sky above then is totally fake.  From that point of view, what would be the point of trying to leave?  Or perhaps these beings reside on an exoplanet planet made almost entirely of Velveeta cheese - and their alien civilization has become so addicted to grilled cheese sandwiches, they can’t bare to leave.  As you can see, there’s so many possible answers here.  That said, one thing most scientists do agree upon is that the gravity on these super exoplanets planets would be so profound, it would be nearly impossible for any aliens livin...

Sylvester Stallone Asks Trump To Pardon Boxer Jack Johnson:   After receiving a phone call from his loyal supporter Sylvester Stallone, President Trump tweeted that he’s now considering issuing a presidential pardon for former heavyweight boxing champion Jack Johnson, who was convicted under the Mann Act of transporting his white girlfriend across state lines.      Gee, who knew Donald Trump was a Jack Johnson admirer?  Its almost beginning to sound like President Trump really does care about black people - or at least those who’ve been dead for 75 years.  Of course, in Trump’s defense - its probably a pretty safe bet to assume he has no idea whether or not Jack Johnson’s even dead.   But why now - and out of the blue - all of a sudden?  I’m sure it didn’t have anything to do with stealing some of the thunder away from former First Lady Barbara Bush’s funeral.  And gee, wonder if Trump’s Jack Johnson enthusiasm would’ve have been ...

Michelle Pfeiffer Lived on Tomato Soup and Marlboros for Scarface:   During a recent interview, Michelle Pfeiffer revealed that during her career-making role as Elvira Hancock in the 1983 film “Scarface,” she subsisted solely on a diet of “tomato soup and Marlboros” to play the part of the cocaine-addicted character.  Are you kidding? She still looks emaciated to me.  What the hell is she living on now, 2 cans of soup and only a half pack of cigarettes?  For God’s sake, someone get her a frigg'n sandwich! http://www.johnnyrobish.com Study Finds Earth’s Mammals Have Shrunk Dramatically:   A new study in the journal “Science” predicts that in a few hundred years, the largest land mammal may very well be the domestic cow - placing the blame squarely on humanity.  Yea, well I’m not so sure about that.  All I know is - if we keep slamming down Big Macs, fried chicken and pizza at the current pace, it won’t be all that long till many of us end u...

Germany Opens World's First All Sex Doll Brothel:   A bizarre sex-doll brothel named “Bordoll” has just opened in Germany, where patrons pay $101 per hour for a session and brothel management claims 70 percent of their patrons are repeat customers.  Good grief, sounds like even more jobs lost to robots.  On a positive note, if there’s a flood, these can probably also be used as a floatation device.  My only question is, does anyone know what the manufacturer’s recommended PSI for these dolls happens to be?  http://www.johnnyrobish.com Mice With Human Brains Created in New Study:   Scientists have succeeded in implanting human brain cells into mice pups, which resulted in the animals growing a brain that was both human and rodent which researchers hope may one-day help them better understand how the human brain develops as well as provide replacement parts.  Despite having human brains, the mice were still apparently unable to speak and rem...

Ugandan Dictator Wants to Outlaw Oral Sex:   In a recent speech, socially conservative evangelical leader and Ugandan President Yoweri Museveni indicated he wants to ban oral sex, reminding citizens that “the mouth is for eating.”  Of course, to make it all legal, Uganda will have to incorporate the proclamation into their penal code.  As it stands now - the prohibition isn’t written, its just oral.  Ironically, after reading this, a lot of people are gonna think that Uganda really sucks - and that would be a real blow to the country!  Of course, its always important to ingest all sides of the issue, so guess we’ll just have to wait for oral arguments to begin.  All I can say is, good luck trying to implement something like that in somewhere like Australia - I mean, the whole place is called “down under.”  Good grief, now that I think about it - this kind of makes me wonder if my last girlfriend could have been from Uganda?  Anyway, th...

CIA Director Mike Pompeo Met Secretly With Kim Jong-un:  The Washington Post is re[porting that CIA Director Mike Pompeo secretly met with North Korean leader Kim Jong-un over the Easter weekend.  Now about the only question that remains to be answered is - can they convince Kim to agree to offer Trump asylum after the Mueller investigation closes in? http://www.johnnyrobish.com Starbucks to Close All Stores in May for Racial Bias Training:   Starbucks announced it will close all 8,000 of its US stores for the afternoon of May 29th, while it conducts what it called “racial bias training” in light of the recent arrest of two black men who were waiting in one the coffee giant’s Philadelphia locations.  Hell, Starbucks employees don’t need no stinking training.  They appear to be pretty damn good at racial bias already. http://www.johnnyrobish.com   Scientists Say Meteorite Filled with Diamonds are From Lost Planet:  Scient...

Asteroid Passes Close to Earth Just Hours After Being Discovered:   An asteroid estimated to be at least 150 feet in diameter made an alarmingly close pass to Earth, just hours after it was first observed by astronomers.  After the news broke, people across the globe immediately demanded to know why Morgan Freeman didn’t bother to make some sort of announcement.  Meanwhile, Trump advisors say should it come too close, they’ll send up a rocket full of Preparation H and shrink it down to 75 feet. http://www.johnnyrobish.com Study Shows Poverty Rate in Hawaii is Growing:  A new study found that the number of people living in poverty in the state of Hawaii has grown to 12.5%.  Researchers say things in the state have gotten so bad, many residents have no idea where their next tan is coming from. http://www.johnnyrobish.com NY Man Sets Woman On Fire in Elevator:  Police say a man has confessed to killing a woman by dowsing her with a fl...

Opiate Abuse Causes Spike in US Hard Drug Usage:  A new government survey found that “hard drug” use among Americans is increasing dramatically, which experts attribute to an increase in opioid abuse.  I guess it all comes done to how you define “hard drugs.”  Now for law enforcement - I suppose it means drugs like heroin or cocaine.  On the other hand, for people like Donald Trump and Stormy Daniels, “hard drugs” means Viagra and Cialis.   http://www.johnnyrobish.com AARP Quietly Launches Internet Radio Service:  AARP has quietly introduced a free Internet radio service geared toward listeners who 50 and older.  Hell, AARP launching the station “quietly” is a smart move.  That way, you’re not gonna wake up all those seniors in the middle their damn naps. http://www.johnnyrobish.com Heavy Stubble Makes Men Attractive To Women:  A new study conducted by researchers in Australia found that women prefer men with heavy s...

Smithsonian Publishes Controversial Article on Jellyfish:  An article in Smithsonian Magazine claims that jellyfish are essentially a boneless, bloodless and brainless species whose mouth also doubles as their anus.  Now I have no idea what the Smithsonian has against jellyfish, but this is the kind of hurtful name-calling is not exactly what one would expect from a respected scientific journal and it needs to stop now. http://www.johnnyrobish.com Thousands Attend 2018 March For Science:   Thousands of protesters in 250 rallies around the world marched to advocate for science policies to be involved in policymaker’s everyday conversations.  Well, guess we don’t have to ask what the Kardashians did over the weekend.  Sadly, many others said they would have attended, but they didn’t feel there was strong enough evidence there was even gonna be a march. http://www.johnnyrobish.com Rental Car Agent Finds Body in Back Seat of Returned Car:...

Green-Haired Turtle that Breathes Through Genitals Added to Endangered List:  The Mary River turtle of Queensland, Australia, which breaths through its genitals and sports a punky green Mohican hairdo, has been placed on a new list of the most vulnerable reptile species on the planet.  Now, of course, we’ve all known people who talk out of their ass, but come on - breathing through your genitals is quite a feat.  http://www.johnnyrobish.com Study Finds Flat Earth Believers Tend to Be Young:  A new survey found that 34 percent of 18- to 24-year-olds entertain some doubts about whether the Earth is actually round.  Good grief, sounds like we flat out need to see that these millennials get a more well-rounded education.  http://www.johnnyrobish.com Huge-Nosed Dinosaur Found in Utah:  Paleontologists have discovered a new dinosaur which had a humongous nose that lived 76-million years ago in what is now Utah.  Ironically, if ...

Former Trump Tower Doorman Claims Trump Had Child With Housekeeper:  A former Trump World Tower doorman claims he was paid $30,000 by the National Enquirer to bury a story alleging Donald Trump fathered a child with a former housekeeper with whom he had a relationship.   Wow, seems Trump is the gift that just keeps giving.  No wonder this guy loves building hotels!  Good grief, has anyone even talked to the gardener yet?  All I can say is, if this keeps up - poor Michael Cohen is gonna run outta money.  Its getting to the point where it might be easier just to list the women with whom Trump hasn’t had sex and bought off. Remember when Hillary wrote about “It Takes a Village?”  Well, its beginning to look as if Trump may have fathered most of that village.  Guess we made a mistake when we asked Chief Justice Roberts to swear-in President Trump.  In retrospect, I think perhaps Jerry Springer would have been a more appropriate choice...

Amazon Files for Patent to Have Alexa Listen to Our Conversations:   Amazon has filed for a controversial patent that could allow its Echo devices to one day listen in on our conversations in order to “assist us with user recommendations for Amazon products.”   See, this which is precisely why, when I’m talking to Alexia, I always whisper - so Jeff Bezos can’t hear what the hell we’re talking about.  Mark my words - next, they’ll be coming out with an Alexa that constantly disagrees with you - for people who just love a good argument.  “Alexa, what’s the weather like today?”  “I don’t know.  Why don’t you get your big, fat ass off the couch, open the door and take a look outside you fat, lazy bum?”  Or how about this - “Alexa, who’s really the biggest dork, Jeff Bezos or Mark Zuckerberg?”   But, all kidding aside, these Echos must be secure.  I mean hell, its my understanding that President Trump even has one in the Oval Office…"...