You've Got to Be Kidding?

US Ambassador to Estonia Resigns in Frustration Over Trump:   The US ambassador to Estonia is resigning in frustration with President Donald Trump's comments about - and treatment of - European allies.  The ambassador went on to add that about the only way he could keep the Estonian ambassadorship under a Trump presidency would be to just stay e-stoned all day long. http://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com    Thai Man Arrested With 10,000 Pairs of Stolen Underwear:  Police say that a man in Thailand has been arrested with more than 10,000 pairs of stolen underwear.  One thing’s for sure, even if he can’t change his ways, he’ll definitely have a change of underwear.  Lawyers for the man are expecting just a brief incarceration. http://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com German Man Blows Himself Up After Family Argument:  According to local police, a 49-year-old man from a small German village blew himself up by setting off explosives insid...

Japanese Space Explorer Arrives at Asteroid Ryugu:   An unmanned Japanese space explorer has finally arrived at asteroid Ryugu on a journey to collect soil samples and then return back to Earth after traveling nearly four years and 170 million miles - just to get there.   OK - fine, but what I wanna know is - how is it that this spacecraft is able to send a picture-perfect signal back to Earth from over 170 million miles away, yet Spectrum can’t seem to keep a halfway decent connection to my damn TV set - even with a fiber-optic cable attached?   Anyway, my only hope is that this mission isn’t intercepted by a massive, gigantic, intergalactic, fire-breathing lizard who forcibly hijacks the probe - rides it all the way back to Japan, and then sets out to completely destroy Tokyo.  Have any of these rocket science geniuses ever thought about that?  I seriously doubt it!  http://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Scientists Say Space is Full of Dirty Toxic Grease:   Researchers say they’ve determined that the Milky Way galaxy is just full of dirty, toxic space grease - the equivalent of nearly 40 trillion trillion trillion packs of butter.  Now, who cares if the Milky Way is full of grease- I’m not planning on eating any of it anyway.  http://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com New Oxford Study Says Humans Are Alone in Universe:   A new study out of Oxford University, strongly suggests that humanity is all alone in the observable universe, putting a damper on the theory that there is intelligent life somewhere in the known universe.  That said, many psychologists are disputing that finding, pointing out that we’ll never be “alone” as long as we still have all those Kardashian tweets to keep us company. http://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Cops Remove Beer Can from Skunk’s Head:   Police have removed a Miller Lite beer can from the head of a semi-intoxi...

Bee Gees Frontman Barry Gibb Knighted by Prince Charles:   Barry Gibb, the last surviving member of the 60’s and 70’s pop group the Bee Gees, has been knighted by Prince Charles at Buckingham Palace.  Wow, sounds like Prince Charles must have gotten Knight Fever, Knight Fever - he knows how to do it.  And sadly, because Barry Gibb is the last surviving member of the group, there’re probably gonna be some “Lonely Days, Lonely Knights.”    http://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Data Shows Smartphone Thefts Doubled Last Year:   New data is showing that smartphone thefts nearly doubled last year and will probably get even worse in the immediate future.  Wow, sounds like you’d have to be stupid to be a smartphone.  Better buy a dumber phone next time.  You’ve heard of “too big to fail?”  Well, my next phone will be “too stupid to steal.” http://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Benefits of Circumcision Outweigh Risks By 100 to 1...

Strong Reaction to Red Hen Refusing Sarah Sanders Service:  People are up in arms after the owner of the Red Hen Restaurant told White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders she couldn’t serve her and asked her and her family to leave.  I don’t get Red Hen.  I mean, it wasn’t like Sarah wanted to do something really dreadful like try and buy a cake for some gay friends. http://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Pit Bull Alerts Sleeping Indiana Boy to Fire:  An Indiana family's pit bull is being praised for alerting a deaf boy to a serious fire in his home by licking the sleeping boy's face until he woke up and was able to escape.  Technically, the dog was actually a new sub-breed of pit bull known as a Brad Pitt Bull. Tragically, while the boy was able to escape the fire, its unlikely he’ll ever be able to escape having to grow up in Indiana.  http://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Report Finds Bible Most Shoplifted Book Ever:  A new...

Teen Jogger Detained 2 Weeks After Accidentally Crossing Into U.S:   A teenager, out for a beachside run in Canada, was detained for a full two weeks by U.S. Customs and Border Protection officers after she accidentally entered the US and stopped to snap a photo while jogging.   I guess she must have not seen the "Welcome to the United States" sign.  Thank God Trump’s crack Border Patrol was on the job!  The last thing this country needs is to be overrun by a bunch of Canadian joggers.  And you can just bet Justin Trudeau isn’t sending us his best joggers either.  Border Patrol agents say it didn’t take a genius to figure out she wasn’t from the US - Americans don’t exercise.    Anyway, arresting and housing her for two weeks was money well spent to keep America safe.  On the other hand, some may argue that just because we signed a treaty with North Korea - doesn’t mean we have to become North Korea.  Yea - well, people need ...

Ann Coulter Claims Crying Children are Child Actors:   Conservative pundit Ann Coulter argued on Fox News recently that the kids you see crying at the border on TV are simply "child actors.”  Yea - well, if that’s really the case, I think its time those “child actors” think seriously about firing their agent. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Melania Trump Criticized on Visit to Immigrant Children:  First Lady Melania Trump is taking harsh criticism over her visit to immigrant children while wearing a jacket that had “I really don't care - do you?” written in bold letters on the back.  Good grief, who the hell’s our first lady - Melania Trump or Marie Antoinette?  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com   US Admits No Sign of North Korea Dismantling Nuclear Program:   US defense secretary James Mattis admitted he is unaware of any steps taken by North Korea towards dismantling its nuclear weapons program since the Singapore summit...

Trump Signs Executive Order to Keep Families Together:  After an unprecedented round of bad publicity over his practice of separating children from their parents at the southern border, President Donald Trump finally gave in and signed an executive order to “keep families together.”  Gee, this smells a little like the arsonist who claims he’s a hero after putting out his own fire.  Meanwhile, Trump tried to reassure his base that he has not given up the practice of tearing children away from their parents and shoving them in cages, he’s just waiting till staff can cherry-pick a few more Biblical quotes to justify it. http://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com World Health Organization Says Being Transgender Not  Mental Illness:  T he World Health Organization (WHO) just made a major revision to its international manual of diagnoses which represents a major shift in the way transgender people are treated, declaring that being transgender is not a mental illne...

Study Links Chocolate and Laughter to Heart Health:  Two new studies presented to the European Society of Cardiology’s conference in Paris have found that chocolate and laughter are two of the best things around for heart health.  So, if I’m understanding this correctly, it sounds like the best thing you can do to insure good heart health, is to ask a comedian for some chocolate. http://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Vaginal Steaming Gains Popularity Among Some Celebrities:   Even though celebrities such as Gwyneth Paltrow and Chrissy Teigen swear by the centuries-old practice, most gynecologists say there is little to no evidence that “vaginal steaming” provides any benefit to the νagina.  And while some may laugh at the practice of steaming, my guess is they just don’t want their vaginas all wrinkled-up like one of Donald Trump’s old suits.  Which begs the question, is it proper manners to live stream a vaginal steam?     h...

Trump Announces Plans for the Pentagon to Create a Space Force:   President Donald Trump has ordered the Pentagon to begin the creation of a sixth branch of the American Armed Forces to called the "Space Force,”  which he envisions as an independent branch of the military, aimed at ensuring American supremacy in space. Space Force - seriously?  Sounds like somebody’s been binge-watching a few too many Star Wars movies over the weekend.  Now in Trump’s defense, Ronald Reagan also had a very similar vision.  Of course, it turned out he had Alzheimers, but he did have that vision.  But let’s get serious here, is Space Force really gonna to be a new branch of the military, or is it actually the working title of new Mel Brooks movie?  And now that I think about it, wasn’t “Space Force” canceled mid-season on Showtime last year? Anyway, just what are we supposed to think about a military space program that’s being proposed by a science denier?...

Toyota Halts Sales of Cars With Heated Seats:  Toyota Motor Corp. has halted sales of some of its top-selling cars over concerns that their heated seats may be a fire hazard.  Wow, seems like when Toyota says their cars have “heated seats,” they aren’t kidding!  Frankly, I don’t think car seat heaters should come equipped with settings like “simmer, roast and fry.” http://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Trade Publications Say Home Grocery Deliveries Taking Off:  Trade publications are reporting that companies offering home grocery deliveries, once big money losers, are now catching on and beginning to show a profit across the country.  Nice to hear that even laziness is now a growth industry in America.  Heaven forbid someone would be forced to get up off the couch to drive to the market to pick up a quart of milk.  http://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Study Links Marijuana Use Linked to Testicular Cancer:   According to a U.S. ...

Sessions Cites The Bible To Justify Immigrant Family Separations:   Attorney General Jeff Sessions and White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders both cited the Bible to explain why the Trump administration has launched a policy of separating children from their immigrant parents seeking entry into the United States.  Gee, perhaps someone ought to remind Sessions and the Republicans that these children they’re throwing into “tent cities” - used to be fetuses? http://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Law Banning Upskirting Fails After Lawmakers Vetos:  A bill that would make it a criminal offense in the U.K. to take "upskirting" photos has been blocked by a single conservative of Parliament - even though the bill has the approval of the government and “upskirting” is already a crime in Scotland.  Well, they wear kilts in Scotland, so I guess it becomes more of a priority. http://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Serial Killer’s Death Blamed on Bath...

NY Attorney General Goes After the Trump Foundation Charity:   President Donald Trump angrily lashed out at the “sleazy” New York Attorney General’s office after it filed suit against he and his family for conducting multiple illegal operations via his purportedly nonprofit Trump Foundation - including using charity money to pay off lawsuits against his businesses and buying a $10,000 portrait of himself.   Gee, I must be confused, because I always assumed “charities" were there to benefit people in need - not the people who create the charity - but what the hell do I know?  In fact, I’m willing to bet that Trump actually believes that paying off all the lawsuits against him is "charitable giving.”  Now sure, some critics are criticizing the Trump Foundation and calling it a scam, but you have to admit that the Trump Foundation has every bit as much credibility and integrity as say…Trump University.   Anyway, I’ve always found it really amusing when ...

Sarah Huckabee Sanders to Leave White House By Year’s End:   CBS is reporting that Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders will be leaving the White House by the end of the year. No kidding - I hear she's got a cushy new job lined up doing public relations for the asbestos industry.  Of course - I’m just kidding.  She actually just taking a little time off to boil her soul in scalding hot water and industrial-strength cleansers.   Hey, maybe Trump could ask Roseanne Barr to replace her?  I hear she’s not doing much right now.  Just make sure to confiscate her Ambien prescription before she comes through the door.  Or, better yet - how about give the job to Ivanka?  I’m sure members of the White House Press Corps would just love to hear her reciting more Chinese proverbs from the press room’s podium. That said, I hear getting a job in this White House isn’t quite as easy as one would think.  That’s because the first question t...

Trump and Kim Sign Statement Promising Korean Denuclearization:  A triumphant Donald Trump flew back to the US with what he called a “very, very comprehensive” agreement with North Korea, a statement which left analysts a little baffled given that the signed document contained almost no details beyond a stated pledge to “denuclearize” the Korean Peninsula. Gee wiz, you mean Trump just signed a comprehensive agreement that basically doesn’t say anything?  How quaint!  That said - and in his defense, Trump’s definition of a “comprehensive document” is something that is longer than two paragraphs and has lots of glossy, full-color photographs to look at.   Some critics even had the nerve to criticize the President for failing to address human rights abuses in North Korea.  I think that’s rather unfair when you consider the Trump administration has been very busy lately here in the US - separating children from their immigrant parents before finally the...

Man Sues CVS For Telling Wife About Viagra Prescription:   A New York man claims the actions of a chatty CVS employee who informed his wife about his Viagra prescription, caused his marriage to dissolve.  Let’s face it, some secrets are just very “hard” to keep.  How long did he think he could keep this up?  Me thinks he probably wasn't using the Viagra at home.  Guess you could say the pharmacist kind of BLUE his cover.  Now, if it were me, I would have blamed that damn Alexa for placing the order.    One thing’s for sure, incidents like this can put a pharmacy somewhere between a cock and a hard place.  That said, they still should have at least waited 4 hours before telling his wife.  Obviously, she knew something was up - now what could it be?  Anyway, she drove right home and said “Honey, I've got a boner to pick with you!”   So now it appears that the whole world knows.  From now on, its not gonna be...

Trump Withdraws From G-7 Communique Over Trudeau Statements:   In response to Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau's comment following the summit that Canada "would not be pushed around,” President Trump tweeted that he has instructed U. S. representatives to not endorse the joint communique issued by the G-7 leaders. So if I’m understanding all this correctly, in Trump’s America - Russia, North Korea and Duterte are our friends and Canada, Western Europe and Mexico are our enemies?  Of course, Trump will still need to reassure his loyal followers that his insane trade policies won't increase the cost of making meth. Well, it’s beginning to sound like we as a nation are at the point where we really only have one clear choice - and that is nuke the hell out of the Ontario portion of Niagara Falls.  I mean, come on - the way thing’s are headed, the future Trump Presidential Library could easily be able to serve double-duty as a "fun house” in the off seaso...

Dennis Rodman Heading to Singapore for US-North Korea Summit:   Former NBA star Dennis Rodman says he will be heading to Singapore for the planned summit between Donald Trump and North Korean leader Kim Jong Un.  OK, but I think a lot of us would feel a wee bit more comfortable if Scott Baio, Roseanne and Dennis Miller also went along - just in case their expertise is needed. http://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Data Shows Mars Once Had the Ingredients Needed for Life:   NASA’s Mars rover Curiosity has detected organic compounds on the surface of Mars and seasonal fluctuations of atmospheric methane in findings that mark some of the strongest evidence ever that Earth’s neighbor may have harbored life.  Interesting fun fact - Mars was once a thriving society until they made the mistake of appointing a Scott Pruitt to head up the Martian Environmental Protection Agency. http://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com MIT Professors Say Humans Learned to Talk F...

Man Steals Bread Truck and Then Makes Random Deliveries:  Police say a man, dressed only in his underwear, stole a bread truck while the driver was making a delivery and then began delivering all $8000 worth of the savory baked goods to random businesses.  Police say much of that bread was tragically delivered to people who were trying to live their lives gluten-free.  Neighbors say they’re not surprised and described thief as a crusty old man who is basically a loafer.  Meanwhile, the company claims the robbery has cost them a lot of dough. http://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Trump Hints White House Visit for North Korea’s Kim:   President Trump says he may invite North Korean leader Kim Jong un to the White House if next week’s historic summit goes well.  Terrific!  Hell, maybe he could sleep in Melania’s bed.  She doesn’t seem to be using it.  And while we’re at it, why not also invite Assad, Duterte, Putin and Erdogan over and ...