You've Got to Be Kidding?

Brazil's Right-Wing President Claims DiCaprio Financing Amazon Fires:  In an attempt to quell international criticism of his administration for turning a blind eye to the massive fires being set to clear-cut Amazon forests for commercial farming ventures - and without even one shred of evidence - right-wing, conservative Brazilian President Jair Bolsonaro, is now claiming it’s actually Hollywood film star Leonardo DiCaprio who is behind the financing of all those fires.    Evidence?  Why - how passé!  Besides, once Trump’s favorite "news” organizations such as Fox or Breitbart get ahold of a story like this, an “accusation” should really be all the “proof” they’ll ever need.   All I can say is, we here in the USA should thank our lucky stars that we live in a country where our top elected officials would never make false accusations about people without any credible evidence to back it up. That said, I still can’t seem to shake this odd feeli...

Trump Promotes Man Who Suggested Dropping Nuclear Bombs on Afghanistan:   Former conservative radio talkshow host and conspiracy theorist Frank Wuco, who once suggested dropping nuclear bombs on Afghanistan and who eagerly promoted far-right conspiracy theories such as Barack Obama wasn’t born in the United States, has just been given a senior role on arms control issues in our State Department. I’m sorry, but this has to be a horrible mistake - I mean, Frank Wuco?  That’s gotta be a typo.  Isn’t that supposed to read “Frank Wacko?”  Oh well, I suppose this is all par for the course.  I mean, hell - last hurricane season, Trump even floated the idea of nuking a damn hurricane, so I can’t imagine why this should come as such a big surprise to anyone. Obviously, appointing a guy who’s seriously eager to start a nuclear war as senior advisor on arms control, would seem like a great idea to a President who’s just pardoned a Navy Seal shortly after he wa...

Christian Broadcaster Rick Wiles Labels Trump Impeachment a Jew Coup:  End Times Christian broadcaster Rick Wiles took to the airwaves on his “TruNews” program to warn fellow Christians that the impeachment of President Donald Trump is nothing short of a “Jew coup” to overthrow a constitutionally elected President, further adding that if Trump is impeached, this country could be engulfed in a full-blown full civil war by Christmas.   Pastor Wiles went on the explain that if Jews are able to pull off this dastardly overthrow of our Christian society, they will quickly round up all the Christians and put them to death.   Now THAT my friends, would be quite an accomplishment - given that Jews are only 2% of the US population, while Christians number around 240 million people.  Funny thing is, I just can’t seem to remember when Jews orchestrated a mass killing of Christians.  In fact, it almost seems like it was the other way around. Meanwhile, Pasto...

Giuliani Pursued Business in Ukraine While Pushing for Inquiries on Bidens:  All the while denying having any Ukraine business dealings, new documents show that even as Rudy Giuliani was waging a public campaign - trying to unearth any damaging information there about Trump’s political rivals, he was also privately pursuing hundreds of thousands of dollars in business from Ukrainian government officials. Good grief!  Who knew fighting Ukraine corruption could pay so well?  Oh sure, there’ll always be skeptics who’ll claim if Trump was really serious about fighting Ukraine corruption, next time he makes one of those “perfect calls" to President Zelensky, he’ll ask him to look into Rudy Giuliani - not the Bidens. Not surprisingly, Trump is already denying he even sent Giuliani to Ukraine - claiming he has no idea what his very own “personal attorney” was even doing there.  Mark my words, give it a couple of days - and Trump will be tweeting that “I’ve never...

Trump Supporters Insisting God Chose Him to be President:   In fighting back against what they consider bogus impeachment hearings, President Trump’s hard-line supporters are pointing out that not only was the President put into office by the votes cast from 63 million Americans, but Donald Trump was also “God’s choice for the Oval Office.” Well, well, well - you don’t say!  Now, I find that rather interesting, given how well documented it is that Donald Trump actually lost the popular vote by 3 million votes.  Hell, by that account, it sounds an awful lot like God actually chose Hillary - but then Putin overrode Him on the issue.    Anyway, even if God did put Trump in the White House, let’s be honest and admit He certainly didn’t do alone.  He definitely had a helluva lotta help from the good folks over at Breitbart, Fox News, Facebook, Twitter and, of course - Vladimir Putin.   Now call me a heretic, but if we must interpret all thi...

Fired Navy Secretary Spencer Pens Scathing Departure Letter:   Navy Secretary Richard Spencer did not go quietly after being fired over disagreeing with President Trump’s pardoning and support of Navy SEAL Eddie Gallagher, penning a scathing rebuke of the President by stating that “the rule of law is what sets us apart.” Wow - strong words!  Of course, Spencer's letter was likely a wee bit long to be digested by Trump's rather short attention span - so there’s that.  Not that Trump would have been able to understand what Spencer was saying anyway. Good thing too, because it was almost enough to make one's bone spurs start acting up again.  I suppose, it all comes down to this “who you gonna believe - our military commanders - or a reality show TV host?"   Now, the only question that remains is - will the President’s decision to take the side of this war criminal over our military leaders - hinder his chances of getting that big, fancy milita...

Probe Likely Over Nunes’ Secret Meeting in Vienna About Bidens:   A high-ranking House Democrat says it’s quite likely that Rep. Devin Nunes, the top Republican on the House Intelligence Committee, will face an ethics investigation over allegations he secretly met with an ex-Ukrainian official in Vienna - in an effort to dig up dirt on former vice president Joe Biden and his son. You mean to tell me that one of Trump’s staunchest defenders, is also a co-conspirator in this whole damn plot?  Why, what are the odds?  Hell, at this point, it seems like about the only difference between Nunes and Trump is - Nunes is actually sane enough to realize when he’s lying.  Trump - not so much.  But, what a waste of time for Nunes to fly all the way to Vienna, just to try and dig up dirt on the Bidens - especially when he could just sit behind his fancy desk in the Washington and make stuff up.  I mean, it isn’t like most Republicans really care, one way or t...

RNC Spent Nearly $100,000 Buying Copies of Donald Trump Jr.'s Book:   When Donald Trump Jr.’s new book “Triggered,” first appeared at the top of the New York Times bestseller list this month, a debate erupted over how and why it was able to take the No. 1 spot - until it was discovered that the RNC had actually bulk purchased $94,800 worth of the books themselves. Now, given that it’s rather common knowledge that the majority of Don Jr’s target audience can barely even read, it’s no surprise that people would become a bit suspicious as to why these folks would even consider buying a book (any book) in the first place. Meanwhile, Don Jr’s book is currently being promoted as “the book the left doesn’t want you to read.”  No kidding, maybe that’s because it’s written almost entirely in crayon, at a third grade level and full of outright lies.  You know, making it an absolutely perfect for that Trump supporter on your gift list.    So, here we have...

Trump to Strongly Consider Giving Testimony to Impeachment Inquiry:   In response to a challenge  from  Nancy Pelosi, President Trump says he will "strongly consider" giving written or in-person testimony to the House impeachment inquiry, despite his repeated refusal to cooperate or allow others to cooperate thus far. No kidding?  You mean just like he gave "serious consideration” to releasing his taxes, enacting an infrastructure bill, giving the middle class a tax cut, draining the swamp and playing less golf than Obama? I mean, if you believe all that, then I've got a wall I'd like to build for you - at Mexico's expense.  Of course, what Mr Trump is really saying is - he’ll strongly consider giving “false testimony” before Congress.  You know, what Republicans commonly refer to as “alternative facts.” https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Pompeo Reportedly Planning to Resign Over Trump Situation:   Secretary of State Mike Pompeo has reportedly told three prominent Republicans that he’s planning to resign from the White House to run for a Senate seat - because he feels his association with the Trump impeachment process is hurting his reputation. Oh hell Mike - why bother to resign?  I mean, when they come and haul you off to jail, that should pretty much take care of all those resignation formalities anyway. And now he’s planning on running for the senate?  Wonder which federal penitentiary he’ll be representing?  Now let’s see, Mike’s from Kansas - I didn't know Leavenworth Penitentiary even had a Senator. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

White House Attempts to Quell Rumors About Trump’s Health:   The White House is attempting to quell rumors about Donald Trump’s health after the President made an unusual, unscheduled visit to see a doctor at Walter Reed Medical Center over the weekend. Good grief - let’s hope it’s not windmill cancer!  All I can say is, it’s a damn good thing the President has always been someone who makes sure to get plenty of exercise and follow a strict diet.  Oh wait... Now my guess is - staffers may have overheard the President telling someone something which was actually the truth, and then had him rushed to the hospital - just to make sure nothing serious was going on.  Anyway, whatever the reason, I’m sure it’s nothing that a couple of big macs, a side of fries, a diet coke - followed by three or four TUMS can’t cure.   I mean, when your idea of a healthy serving of vegetables is french fries and your daily exercise is limited to flapping your arms w...

Michigan Hunter Shoots Brother After Mistaking Him for a Deer:   A man is recovering in a Michigan hospital after being shot by his brother in a hunting accident, who mistook his brother’s movement, off in the distance - for an injured deer he had just shot. Wow, the guy shot his "deer brother?”  Sounds like we’ve got a winner for this year’s Dick Cheney Award.  Now, on a positive note, at least he didn’t try and field dress him and then tie him to the hood of his truck.   Of course, to be completely fair here, I haven’t even seen a picture of the injured brother, so I have no idea whether or not he actually looks enough like a deer, that someone would wanna start shooting a gun at him. And is it just me, or does the idea of blasting away at something, simply because it's “moving” - seem like a not very well-thought out approach?  I mean, I see a lot of thing’s which are moving - that we probably shouldn’t shoot at. But, all that aside, I susp...

Trump Admin to Seize Private Land in Texas for Border Wall:   The Trump administration is preparing to submit court filings next week as a necessary step toward seizing private land in Texas - necessary for building its border wall with Mexico. Oh yea, you remember that “multi-billion dollar” steel border wall  don’t you?  The one anyone can cut right through with a $125 power saw from Home Depot?  The one that President Trump is declaring a national emergency to get money to build - which he promised Mexico would pay for?  Yea, that border wall!  Funny how all those socialist-hating “we must defend private property rights at all costs” Republicans, seem to have no issue whatsoever with the Feds seizing their land for this nonsense.  Well, I guess as long as it’s done with a mean-spirited, racist, hateful intent in mind, it makes it all worthwhile for them.  Anyway, how exciting that all those proud Trump supporters along the border...

Stephen Miller Pressured to Resign Over Sharing White-Nationalist Links:   White House adviser Stephen Miller has been facing increasing pressure to resign after newly leaked emails showed him exchanging links to white-nationalist, xenophobic websites with a Breitbart editor. Gee, a white nationalist in the Trump White House?  No kidding ?  Why you could have knocked me over with a feather!  But seriously - folks are demanding he resign for being a “white-nationalist?”  Hell, I just more of less assumed that’s why he was hired in the first place.   You see, these Trump folks get really, really angry over all these discussions folks have been having lately about “Democratic Socialism.”  On the other hand, when it comes to "National Socialism” - well, not so much. Now, what’s interesting about a cat like Stephen Miller is, here’s a Jewish guy who’s been promoting “white" supremacist groups - which are basically organizations filled with p...

Navy Black Sea Patrol Canceled After Trump Calls It Hostile to Russia:   An aide to a top Ukraine envoy has testified that the US Navy canceled a routine Black Sea patrol after President Trump complained to then-national security adviser John Bolton - that the exercise was hostile to Russia. Oh my gosh, WE - are SO sorry!  But, come on!  How was America supposed to know that the Black Sea was Putin’s private lake?  I mean, there are no signs.  And talk about surprises - who knew Vladimir Putin is now running our military too?  Good grief, that’s gotta be a lotta additional responsibility for the poor guy! Anyway, at least that pretty much explains Trump’s Black Sea actions.  I mean, he was just following the chain of command.  And isn’t that what military people are supposed to do?     I’ll tell you one thing, I think it’s pretty obvious this Trump fella is gonna be a shoo-in for the Kremlin’s next Employee of the Mon...

Trump EPA to Limit Science Used in Determining Public Health Policy:   Fearful that scientific research might interfere with their plans to dismantle pollution and climate change regulations, the Trump Administration is preparing to significantly limit the scientific and medical research that the government can use to determine public health regulations, overriding protests from scientists and physicians who claim this would undermine the scientific underpinnings of government policymaking. Wow, sounds like EPA scientists have just become our new “Public Enemy Number One.”  I suppose it’s not all that surprising.  I mean, I seriously doubt if any of the clowns Trump has appointed to the EPA would even understand the scientific method if it slapped them right in the face.  Hell, Trump can barely read, let alone understand some fancy-pants, scientific proposal.  Now what I don’t get is, if we limit the input of scientific and medical research, then what...

Trump Says the Media is Responsible for His Behavior:  Speaking on the White House lawn, Donald Trump went on a rant claiming the impeachment inquiry is a just a hoax, suggesting the whistleblower’s lawyer should be sued for treason and then blaming the media for his behavior.    Wow, you mean to tell me that it was the media who made Trump steal money from his own charity - and then spend it on himself?  Good grief, I never realized the media could be that heartless.   Why, if that’s true, then it must also be the media who forced him launder all that Russian mob money through his real estate properties, not pay his creditors, cheat his employees and stiff his suppliers.  Damn, these media folks are really good. What I don’t get is, since we all know that the only media people Trump actually believes - are folks like Sean Hannity, Laura Ingraham, Mark Levin and Rush Limbaugh. Now, if my calculations are correct, that means everything’s all...

Republicans Attempt to Move Impeachment Focus on Biden:   House Republicans are pressing ahead with their attempts to move the impeachment inquiry away from President Trump - by calling on Democrats to instead add witnesses to the probe Joe Biden’s son and the whistleblower, whose initial complaint was what kicked off this investigation. Wow, why it’s the old middle school defense of “hey, look over there - at what those other people are doing!”  Gee, I had no idea you could still use that excuse like that after you leave high school.  I guess you’ve better have the right crowd though. Now, one thing I’ve never understood is why Republicans always seem to front some of the dumbest folks who’ve ever walked the face of the Earth - as their media attack dogs.  You know, people like Sarah Palin, Rick Perry, Rudy Giuliani, Kellyanne Conway, Ben Carson, Devin Nunes, Jim Jordan, and Matt Gaetz.   And, then it occurred to me - when you’re trying to reach...

Calabasas Community Vows to Never Forget:   Just walked into the local Starbucks here in Calabasas and to my surprise, I notice a sign on the front door reading "Stick together Calabasas - we will never forget!" Now, wait a minute, just what the hell would Calabasas people be worrying about forgetting? Where they parked the Range Rover? Where Kim Kardashian lives? Where to get on the Ventura Freeway if you wanna head north towards Santa Barbara? http://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Scientists Say This Blue Zircon Crystal is Oldest Fragment on Earth:  Scientists using two different age-determining techniques have shown that a tiny zircon blue crystal found on a sheep ranch in western Australia is the oldest known piece of our planet, dating back to 4.4 billion years ago.  Researchers caution that while these dating techniques work fine on blue crystal, they are unlikely to work on actors such as Billy Crystal - and that you’d actually need to look at his driver’...

Bevin Refuses to Concede Race Citing Voting Irregularities:  Incumbent Kentucky Governor Matt Bevin, to whom Donald Trump just gave his full support at a recent rally, is now refusing to concede the gubernatorial election to Democratic challenger Andy Beshear, citing what he says were “voting irregularities.”  Wow, so Republicans are now suddenly becoming concerned about the integrity of our voting process?  Who knew?  And isn’t it interesting how Republicans are always crying “voter fraud,” when just about everyone who's actually been busted committing voter fraud - has been Republican.  Funny how that works out, isn’t it? That said, they’ll no doubt continue clinging to the "voter fraud” claims.  After all, that’s about all they have left at this point.  Now, it’s about time for good old Fox News to cue up those bogus videos showing rows and rows of busses, heading this way from the Mexican border, and loaded with thousands of illegal vote...

My Tale of Mystery and Intrigue in a Godforsaken Town They Call Bakersfield:   Over the years, I cannot begin to tell you how many times good, decent folks have come up to me and asked me to post something that could prove to them that there have actually been people who sincerely want to be in Bakersfield, California.   Well, I knew right away this was gonna be one tough assignment - but I've had them before.  So, I put aside my long-held plans to binge-watch old episodes of “My Mother the Car,” and began my fateful journey.  And my friends, it was a journey that would take me to places no self-respecting, decent human being should ever find themselves.  That’s right, I’m talking about Bakersfield.   Then, one chilly and windy, dark Bakersfield night - I got lucky.  No, you perverts, not THAT kind of lucky!  I was walking down one of those small, winding, little Bakersfield side streets, when I came upon this funky, little jazz club....

Apple Will Donate $2.5 Billion to Create Affordable Housing:   Apple is pledging $2.5 billion in an effort to help combat current housing crisis, which they hope to use in an effort to create more “affordable housing.”   Well, how very nice of Apple to donate $2.5 billion to create more housing in the Bay Area’s insanely expensive housing market, but frankly - I don’t think adding three or four more houses is gonna be quite enough to solve the problem. I mean, not to sound skeptical, but I rather suspect that what the CEO of a company like Apple, who’s currently selling $1500 telephones - and what you and I consider as “affordable,” may differ somewhat.  But that’s just me. http://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Private Fire Crews Protect the Insured - Not the Public:  As Trump conservatives continue their mission of making deeper cuts into needed governmental services for the general public, and with wildfires becoming more commonplace as the Earth warms, many wealthy communities are now employing “private firefighting crews” to protect their property - but these organizations are quite controversial, as their mission is only to protect the homes of their wealthy clients. How quaint!  Why, those nostalgic Trump conservatives want us to return back to those exciting days of yesteryear.  Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to reintroduce you to the concept of “Social Darwinism.”  Yes indeed!  Back to that pre-Civil War model of “pay-for-play” firefighting.  “Just what do you mean you aren’t wealthy enough to pay for our fire or rescue services? Well then, I’m afraid you’re on your own my friend.  Oh, and have a nice day !”  Ah yes, those were the ...

Louisiana Woman Arrested for Selling $20 Fake Doctor's Notes:   Belinda Gail Fondren, a 52-year-old Evans, Louisiana woman, has been arrested for selling 14 forged doctor’s notes she had stolen from a local physician’s office - notes which were used to provide students with excuses to cut classes, which she was selling for $20 a pop.  Hell, if this would have been a crime back when I was in high school, half my classmates would have been behind bars.  Meanwhile, local police tried to reassure concerned citizens by putting four more detectives on the case and assigning all the boys down at the crime lab to work overtime. Now I don’t know this woman, but I’ll tell you one thing - she had better learn to change her ways and fast, because everyone knows it's a hard damn life living in that shadowy underworld of the “fake doctor's note industry.”     Police told reporters that Ms Fondren’s crime was finally exposed after school officials realized that...

Trump Names Chad Wolf Acting Head of Homeland Security:   President Trump told reporters Chad Wolf is now the new “acting secretary” of the Department of Homeland Security, but it was unclear whether a formal appointment had occurred, extending confusion about who would step in to fill one of the country’s most crucial national security posts. So Trump just appointed himself a “Wolf” to head up Homeland Security?  Now certainly I’m no national security expert, but I’m still savvy enough to realize that filling a vacated position with a damn “Wolf” certainly didn’t seen to work out all that well for Little Red Riding Hood.   That said, I can’t help feeling a bit sorry for old Chad.  I mean, not knowing whether or not he’s ever gonna be permanently appointed as director, probably makes him feel more like a “hanging Chad.” http://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com