You've Got to Be Kidding?

Trump Sycophant Matt Gaetz’s Bizarre Tale of Sexual Intrigue and Extortion:   Florida Republican Rep. Matt Gaetz, a fierce Donald Trump supporter and frequent QAnon apologist, about whom we learn has been under investigation for months by the Justice Department for allegedly having sex with a 17-year-old girl and funding her underage travel, is now claiming that two men approached his father with a proposal asking for millions to free an Iranian hostage which, if successful, would make Gaetz a national hero and also help alleviate his statutory rape legal woes.   Gaetz says he took this as extortion - and contacted the FBI. Gee whiz, and to think that all this time we were being told by “Q” that it was the Democrats, Hillary Clinton, and Hollywood celebrities who were running that “Pizzagate” child sex trafficking operation?  Hey Mr. Q, I think we’ve found your child molesters.  They’re apparently down in Florida - at the Gaetz residence.   Now, in all fai...

Mafia Fugitive Caught After Posting Italian Cooking Videos on YouTube:   Mafia fugitive Marc Feren Claude Biart had a passion for posting Italian cooking tutorials on YouTube, but was always careful to never display his face when recording from his Caribbean hideout in the Dominican Republic.   However, his downfall came after he was eventually identified by the unique tattoos on his arms. Gee whiz, you mean to tell me that a prominent Mafia figure has actually been posting cooking tutorials on YouTube?  I guess he must have told the wrong person that if they enjoyed his video, to “like and subscribe.”  “Now, alla yous - be sure and watcha my next show, because I’ma gonna cooka my own goose.”  Bada bing, bada boom!   And, sure enough, you may as well just stick a fork in him, because “he’s done.”  And frankly, it’s really kind of a shame too - because I’ll bet all those recipes were just incredible.  In fact, it’s being reported that while so...

Ultra-Conservatives Move From Stop the Steal to Stop the Vaccine:  Although negative reactions have been extremely rare, right-wing conservatives are now bashing the safety and efficacy of coronavirus vaccines in an effort to try to undermine the government’s vaccination efforts, now that the “Stop the Steal” movement is all but kaput. Laugh if you want, but my story confirms these conservative’s deepest fears.  The fact is, I got my first vaccination in mid-January in my right arm, which then completely fell off on Inauguration Day.  Then, it miraculously grew back on Groundhog Day, only to fall off again on Valentine’s Day.   Even so, my doctor tells me there’s a good 50/50 chance that my arm may grow back on “Good Friday.”  Frankly, I’d like to believe him and stay hopeful, but Sen. Rand Paul warns that you can’t trust doctors like Dr. Fauci anymore.  Sen. Paul says making people wear masks “is just theater” and, he may be right.   After all...

Georgia Governor Signs Sweeping Voter Suppression Bill Into Law:   Georgia’s Republican Gov. Brian Kemp has signed into law an extremely controversial and sweeping voting measure, that Republicans claim is necessary to finally put a stop to voter fraud, but critics say it will ultimately lead to long lines, partisan control of elections and more difficult procedures for voters trying to cast their ballots by mail.   The bill also criminalizes any third-party groups who try and provide water or snacks to voters in line.   Now, who could possibly find anything wrong with Georgia’s Republicans ensuring that precincts in minority communities will have waits of up to 8-10 hours in order to vote?  Or, with making it a crime for volunteers to provide water or snacks to those stuck in those long lines for all that time?  I mean, just think of it as a wonderful opportunity to get to catch up on what’s new with all your friends and neighbors. Of course, they’ll always ...

Meghan McCain Concerned Biden Admin Overlooking White People:   Meghan McCain, the daughter of the late Arizona Sen. John McCain and a co-host on ABC's "The View," expressed concern that Democrats are too consumed with race and sexual identity in their hiring practices, then they are with making sure “more-qualified” white men get the job. Words of wisdom from affluenza poster child and professional descendant, "Karen" McCain - “Princess of Arizona.”  By the way, I’ll just say that’s a rather “interesting” look she’s sporting there, and leave it at that.  Now, before anyone gets mad, I honestly did consider giving up making snide remarks about people's appearances for Lent, but then remembered “hell, I’m not even Catholic.” Of course, what Princess McCain is really implying here is that - if you’re a member of a marginalized group, it means you’re obviously not really qualified to hold a prominent position in government or industry.  Her feeling appears t...

Postmaster General DeJoy Proposes Slower Mail and Higher Prices:  Postmaster General Louis DeJoy, a Trump appointee and major Republican donor, has unveiled a plan to slash Post Office hours, hike postage prices, and extend first-class delivery times, changes likely to worsen the nationwide mail slowdowns that began following implementation of DeJoy’s initial round of operational changes last year. OK, now if I understand DeJoy's plan correctly, he wants to jack-up the price of mail delivery and slow down service.  Humm, lower service, and higher prices?  Now, that’s what I call some cutting-edge business theory!  Hell, with a game plan like that, if he ever left Post Office - I’m thinking he’d be the perfect guy to run the Texas electrical grid.  I mean, at this point, we may as well bring back The Pony Express . So apparently, I guess it turns out that simply donating money to Donald Trump's political campaign, doesn’t automatically qualify you to run a hu...

Trump to Launch New Social Media Platform in Coming Months:   Trump communications strategist and political advisor Jason Miller, told Fox News’ Media Buzz this week that the former president will be back in two to three months with a brand new social media platform that he claims will “completely redefine the game.” Gee, that sounds like a terrific idea - and one that’ll really catch on fast.  In fact, I’m sure the FBI and other intelligence agencies will want to be some of the first to sign up.  Of course, one can only hope that this new project doesn’t end up getting in the way of Mr. Trump’s golfing.  We all know that the former president isn’t really a huge fan of long workdays.  But, just think of it - a new social network - just for liars, racists, insurrectionists, anti - vaxxers, conspiracy theorists, homophobes, grifters, and half-wits.  A place where a guy like Donald Trump will be free to talk about “how much he truly despises everyone -...

Miami Beach Under State of Emergency as Spring Breakers Overwhelm City:   When Gov. Ron DeSantis (R-FL) reopened Florida just before spring break, there was a serious concern in the medical community that the state would become an epicenter for another wave of the coronavirus.   Now, Miami Beach has been forced to declare a state of emergency after the city became overwhelmed with intoxicated revelers, packed shoulder-to-shoulder throughout the city.   The City of Miami Beach has issued a statement, complaining that when colleges send us their spring breakers, they’re not sending their best people.  They’re sending their stoners, their alcoholics, and their Phys Ed majors.  Why, I can remember back in the day, when we used to try and see how many people we could stuff inside a VW bug.  Now, I guess they try and figure out how many people they can fit inside a jail cell. Of course, the truth is, spring break in Florida has always been a magnet for morons ...

Trump’s Mar-a-Lago Club Partially Closed Over Staff Coronavirus:   Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago Club in Florida had to be partially closed after some of its employees were infected with the coronavirus, according to an email sent to club members Friday afternoon. Wow, sounds like when Trump moved from the White House back down to Mar-a-Lago, he brought along everything he had - including the coronavirus!  Better have Dr.Fauci “stand down and stand by.”  Oh wait, just remembered that Rand Paul’s a “doctor” too, perhaps he could share some of his expertise on the subject?  I believe he’s either an ophthalmologist or a proctologist.  I know it’s one of those “oligists.”  Probably the latter, given that he always seems to have his head up his ass.  Anyway, so it appears that Trump’s precious COVID-a-Lago, is now officially a “biohazard.”  I’m sure Palm Beach residents are extremely pleased to learn about that.  Not to mention, an outbreak like ...

MAGA Pastor Rick Joyner Now Promoting Civil War to His Followers:  MAGA evangelical pastor Rick Joyner has been busy hard-selling civil war these days, telling followers that the Lord came to him in a dream, showing him armed militia groups popping up like mushrooms all over the country and Jesus proclaiming “I didn’t come to bring peace, I came to bring a sword.”   Joyner then added that “this is no time to be praying for unity and for parties to come together,” it’s time to “stand up and push back against this evil that has been taking over our land.” Oh, my God!  You mean to tell me that that could have been Jesus right there at the US Capitol insurrection on Jan 6th, turning bottled water into AR-15s?  Telling all the Proud Boys, QAnons, Oathkeepers, and Three Percenters - “don’t worry about a thing guys, me and Donald Trump got ya covered.”  Why the Lord does work in mysterious ways. Now, what I’d like to know is, exactly what was the Lord wearing when...

Sen. Ron Johnson Worried About BLM - Not People Who Stormed the Capitol:   Sen. Ron Johnson (R-WI) is taking a lot of heat after stating on conservative talk-radio host Joe Pagliarulo’s nationally syndicated show, that he would have been concerned if the people who stormed the Capitol on Jan 6th would have been members of Black Lives Matter, as opposed to Trump supporters, whom he described as “people that love this country, that truly respect law enforcement, would never do anything to break the law, so I wasn’t concerned.” Oh, now I get the senator’s point.  Why, he’s simply pointing out how these law-abiding Trump-supporting citizens, who completely overran the US Capitol, overwhelming security and killing officer Sicknick while shouting “Hang Mike Pence,” all in an attempt to undermine the results of a US Presidential election, would seem far less frightening than Black Lives Matter protestors who were upset over the systemic, racist murder of George Floyd by a member M...

Alabama House May Overturn 28-Year Ban on Yoga in Public Schools:   Alabama’s House of Representatives just passed a bill by a vote of 73-to-25, which would lift over a quarter-century ban on teaching Yoga in its public schools.   This is a ban that was first implemented back in 1993, due to various conservative group’s opposition to its Hindu roots.   That said, using classic yoga terms such as “namaste,” will still not be permitted under the new bill. Well, well - my goodness gracious!  That’s almost enough to make ya think that these good ole Ramma, Bamma, Bamma, Ding-Dongs - have themselves been practicing some of that good old “cancel culture,” - you know, that stuff they constantly whine about all day long over on Fox News.  Why, it’s no wonder these folks hate Yankees so much - hell, they once had a catcher named “Yogi Berra.” And, to think all this nonsense is coming from a state that nearly elected serial child sex predator Roy Moore to the United St...

QAnon Now Focusing on Attacking Coronavirus Vaccine:   With Donald Trump now pretty much out of the picture, QAnon groups realized that they are in desperate need of a new “boogieman,” and have moved their focus away from the past election and are now targeting coronavirus vaccines - depicting them as “bioweapons,” concocted by an evil cabal of Bill Gates, corrupt government officials, Hollywood celebrates and pharmaceutical companies.   All this, with the diabolical goal of “depopulation, social control and altering the genetic DNA structure of our species.” Now, some of you may ask, how could anyone possibly believe that Bill Gates could manage to put a tiny, little microchip into every single dose of the coronavirus vaccine?  Well, laugh if you want, but all I know is - since getting vaccinated, I’m now showing one helluva lot more bars on my cellphone.   In fact, shortly after receiving the vaccine, I could feel that “Bill Gates chip” slowly migrating up my ...

Pastor Robert Jeffress Says You’ll Work in Heaven But Without Gov’t Regulations:   Trump-loving Pastor Robert Jeffress was a guest on televangelist Jim Bakker’s show recently, and told viewers that “We’re going to have to work in Heaven, but work is a gift from God.”  He then added that “There’ll be no government regulations, so we’ll all enjoy work like God intended for us to enjoy it.” Gee, sounds just wonderful, doesn’t it?  Working for eternity, no pay, no work rules or regulations, no breaks, and no vacations - all for the pleasure of Jeffress’ angry God, who in return will demand blind obedience and total adoration at all times - or he'll torture you for eternity.  Why, who could pass up a deal like that?   My word, if you’re gonna be treated like that, why not just get a job working over at some Amazon warehouse?  Hell, not even Jeff Bezos treats his workers that badly.  At least they get two bathroom breaks, even if he does monitor how long...

Idaho Republican Claims Face Masks Do Damage to Our Souls:   Before she introduced a bill that would ban all mask mandates in her state, Idaho Republican State Representative Karey Hanks said she had “done some research” and found that “wearing face masks can cause injuries even to our souls,” because “masks are a reminder of the death and destruction of COVID.” Excellent point Representative Hanks!  In fact, why stop with banning face masks?  If you wanna talk “reminders of the death and destruction of COVID,“ let’s not forget ambulances, hospitals, nursing homes, hospice centers, funeral homes, and graveyards.  Hell, ban the whole bunch of them - before anybody else in Idaho “injures their soul.”  And, you can bet those “injured souls” aren’t covered by insurance either! And, while there are those who may conclude that somehow logic seems to have escaped Representative Hanks, let us not forget that she represents a strongly Republican district in Idaho - ...

Millionaire Moderate Democrats Vote Down Minimum Wage Increase:   While millions of American families struggle, just to put food on the table and to make ends meet during the pandemic, eight members of the Democratic caucus happily joined in with all 50 Republican senators, to kill an amendment allowing a $15 minimum wage provision attachment to the Senate's coronavirus relief package bill. In response, progressives were quick to point out that nearly every single lawmaker who voted against the raise for low-paid workers nationwide - happened to be a millionaire.  This included Arizona Democratic Sen. Kyrsten Sinema, who even did a little dance as she gave a thumbs down to the minimum wage provision.  Now, if they knew Sen. Sinema was gonna do a dance routine, I’m sure minimum wage workers would have told her to “break a leg.”  Anyway, all I can say is, with friends like them - who needs Republicans?  But, I understand the point they’re trying to make....

Texas Governor Abbott Calls Biden Neanderthal Comments Divisive:   After President Biden called him out for "neanderthal thinking” for suddenly rescinding all mask requirements in the middle of a deadly pandemic, Texas Governor Greg Abbott and many GOP leaders say that President Biden is not showing “the spirit of friendship and cooperation” that Republicans have shown these past four years under President Trump.   In fact, during a recent interview with Fox and Friends, Gov. Abbott complained that ever since Joe Biden referred to his thinking as being “neanderthal,” the state is now being overrun by anthropologists and paleontologists, hoping to finally gain more insight into the thinking of a species long considered extinct. To illustrate his point, Gov. Abbott pointed to his recent press conference over in Luckenbach, where rather than being asked policy questions, he instead was peppered with inquiries about making stone tools and mastodon hunting techniques - questio...

Mitch McConnell Worries COVID Relief Checks Will Make Folks Too Lazy to Work:   During an appearance on Fox News, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) told host Martha MacCallum that he opposes extending unemployment benefits and providing $1400 COVID relief checks for Americans, because people may decide not to go back to work. Point well taken Mitch!   Hell, nearly everyone I know retired almost immediately after getting that last $600 relief payment a few months ago.   I can still hear them shouting at the top of their lungs “I’ll never have to work again!”   The ugly truth is, we’ll all be sipping piña coladas at the beach in Cancun right now - if Ted Cruz hadn’t already booked most of the available hotel rooms.   And, God forbid, that we end up getting yet another $1400 in this new COVID relief bill.   Hell, we’d all be purchasing luxury yachts. That said, you can’t really blame old Mitch for having an attitude like that.  After all,...

Arizona Republican Paul Gosar Speaks at White Nationalist Conference:  Controversial Arizona GOP Rep. Paul Gosar, a staunch Trump supporter and conspiracy theorist with past ties to extremist militia groups such as the Proud Boys and the Oath Keepers, is taking quite a bit of heat after skipping a vote on the stimulus bill, to speak at the America First Political Action Committee (AFPAC) in Florida - a white nationalist conference organized by white supremacist and antiSemite leader Nick Fuentes. Gee, if Gosar really wanted to attend a white nationalist convention, why not just head straight over to CPAC?  I mean, they’ve even got a giant Nazi insignia right there on their stage.  Then again, I suppose AFPAC is more for folks who feel that CPAC, just isn’t quite racist enough for their tastes.  And, that’s what makes a fella like Paul Gosar the ideal AFPAC speaker.  I mean, this is a dude who is so far out there, that six of his brothers and sisters publicly ...