You've Got to Be Kidding?

New Research Shows Crocodiles Were Once Vegetarians:   New research lead by a geobiology graduate student at the University of Utah indicates that ancient crocodiles were most likely vegetarians at least three separate times during their evolution.  Researchers say there were able to reach that conclusion only after finding numerous remnants of discarded “Impossible Burger” wrappers near the fossil remains.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Second U.S. City Passes Ban on Facial Recognition Technology:   The city of Somerville, Massachusetts has become the second U.S. city to ban its municipal government from ever using facial recognition facial recognition technology, over fears it'll pave the way for mass surveillance .  Of course, on a positive note - they’ll never have to worry technology like that in places like Beverly Hills, Manhattan or Miami.  I mean, those people have had so many facelifts, you’re never quite sure of who or even wha...

Japan Gave Trump a Colorful Map to Explain Their US Investments:   Knowing his inability to understand complicated trade issues, Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe presented President Trump with a colorful map at this year’s Group of 20 summit in Osaka, Japan, designed to simplify Japan’s US investments - so that even someone with Trump’s limited attention span should be able to comprehend. I get it, Prime Minister Abe asked aids “can we dumb this thing down bit, so that even Donald Trump will be able to understand it?”  I mean, it’s pretty sad when a President of the United States needs information presented in a colorful, kindergarten-level picture book format - just to understand what the hell everyone's talking about.   Even so, an obviously confused-looking Donald Trump glanced at the map and complained that Japan could have at least printed the name of the country they were viewing as the United States.  Otherwise, how the hell is he supposed t...

Half-Ton Birds Were Roaming Europe When Humans Arrived:   Scientists report that giant, flightless birds, so large that they actually dwarfed modern ostriches and weighed-in at nearly half a ton, were roaming Europe at the same time the first archaic humans arrived in the area from Africa.   Look, I’m obviously no paleontologist, but if I’m understanding this article correctly - they’re basically explaining to us that just as we once had some banks that became “too big to fail,” Europe had itself a bunch of half-ton birds who became “too fat to fly?” OK, so the birds were a little on the chunky size.  We get that.  Not to sound critical of our scientific community, but just what the hell is point of “fat-shaming” a bunch of extinct, half ton, flightless birds at this stage of the game?  Especially, when they’re no longer here to defend themselves.  Besides, maybe they were just “big-boned?”  You big-shot paleontologists ever think about t...

Harvard’s Robotic Insects Finally Take Flight:   Researchers at Harvard University say they have designed and built a new, breakthrough type of solar-powered robotic insect that is capable of true, untethered flight.   Good grief, I’ve been fighting insect infestations every summer for years and years, and now you tell me their designing mechanical ones?  I mean, just what I need - a solar-powered fly to land in my soup! Kind of makes you wonder, what the hell’s next - robotic rodent infestations?  Then, I suppose, we’ll all need to purchase a bunch of specially-designed robotic cats to try and catch the damn things.  For crying out loud - please make it all stop! https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Evangelical Group to Spend $50M on Get-Out-the-Vote Efforts:   Veteran conservative activist Ralph Reed said the faith-based Faith & Freedom Coalition he leads, plans to spend at least $50 million on “get-out-the-vote” efforts during the 2020 presidential election. I suppose my first question would be, what type of faith has 50 million bucks - to donate to politics?  Especially, when everyone knows most of that money will go directly to help some guy who’s already rich - get reelected?  Guess the Lord is still working in mysterious ways - eh?   Now, of course, all those bleeding heart liberals are gonna complain that Christians ought to be spending their parishioners contributions to help people like the poor, the destitute and homeless veterans.  Now let’s get real people!  Who, in their right mind, is gonna give that kinda dough to the poor?  Haha - now that’s a good one!   I mean, do the poor have mounting bills for upkeep o...

UK Health Group Says Too Much Cleanliness Not Bad for Health:   According to The Royal Society for Public Health, the notion that too much cleanliness can be bad for your health and that children need to be exposed to germs is a “dangerous myth.”  Oh hell!  And to think I’ve been keeping my house a total mess all this time - you know, just to strengthen my defenses.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Mars Rover Snaps Pic With Mystery Lights Way in the Background:   The internet is abuzz with conspiracy theories after a picture, snapped by NASA’s Mars Curiosity Rover, shows a very mysterious looking light way off in the distance.  Personally, I think it’s just the headlights from a commuter, who decided to take a detour off that damn 405 freeway here in LA.  Hell, traffic’s been so messed up on that freeway, I don’t blame them for taking an alternative route - even if it is a bit out of the way.  I mean, who the hell wants to deal with a...

Jim Bakker Warns Followers Christians Will Be Killed if Trump Loses:   Jim Bakker recently shocked his followers on his TV show by proclaiming “I’m going to say something I probably shouldn’t say,” and then warned that if Donald Trump isn’t re-elected in 2020 - Christians are going to be murdered. Good grief, after hearing a statement like that, I think his flock maybe ought to think twice about buying any more of those huge $450 buckets of dehydrated “survival food” Bakker sells on his show.  Especially, if Trump loses the White House in 2020.  I mean, can anyone say Grape Kool-Aid?  Frankly, I think it would be amusing if it turns out this so-called “rapture” these grifters have been promising for the past 2000 years already happened, and all these intolerant, conservative fundamentalist Christians who support and follow swindlers like Jim Bakker - simply didn't make the cut. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Woman Falls Asleep in Flight Waking Up in Dark Locked and Empty Plane:   A woman claims she fell asleep during a 90-minute Air Canada flight from Quebec to Toronto, only to wake up late at night in a completely empty, dark and locked plane, which had been cleared and parked for the night in Toronto.  Not to sound unsympathetic, but I have to admit my first thoughts regarding this were “so what’s the big deal?”  I mean, poor Gilligan and his friends were only supposed to be on a 3-hour tour, and look what the hell happened to them!   Now, what I find so amazing is - is that someone could actually fall asleep in one of those crammed, coach seats and find it so damned comfortable, that they could not only sleep undisturbed through the entire flight, but also several more hours afterwards.  Geez, I’m definitely gonna have to fly Air Canada from now on.   Personally, if it were me - I would have immediately raided the plane’s stash of tiny liquor ...

FDA Approves Injectable Med to Bolster Women's Sex Drive:  Federal regulators approved a medication to boost low sex drive in women that comes in the form of a shot to the thigh or abdomen.  Of course, the first thing Trump officials wanted to know was “is it available in the form of a blowgun dart?” https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Naked Violinist Arrested Outside Federal Courthouse in Portland:   A 25-year-old man has been arrested for indecent exposure after police received multiple complaints about the man playing his violin in the nude outside a federal courthouse.  On a positive note, I suppose we should be grateful he was just playing his violin and not his organ. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com  Facebook’s New Data Center Runs on 100 Percent Wind Energy:  Facebook has announced that it’s been helping to develop an Iowa wind farm to cover the energy use of its new data center.  I guess it makes good sense when you...

Prolonged Phone Use Causing Horns to Grow Out of Young People’s Skulls:   New research out of Australia in biomechanics suggests that young people are starting to develop bone spurs similar to “horns” in the back of their skulls - believed to be caused by looking down at their mobile phones for a prolonged period of time. OK, we get it - young people get horny from looking at their smartphones.  On the other hand, I’m sure most musicians would argue that something can’t seriously be considered a “horn," unless you can blow it.   The fact is, anthropologists suggest we may now be entering the next stage of human evolution - “Homo Erectus iPhoneus,” while New Age devotees believe this represents a new, human incarnation of the beloved Unicorn.  Meanwhile, Pentagon officials expressed concern that young people may follow our President’s lead and use these “bone spurs” as a way to get out of doing military service - pointing out that if all of our young p...

Ice Age Wolf Discovered Fully Preserved in Russian Permafrost:  The decapitated head of a 40,000-year-old wolf subspecies, has been discovered intact in northern Russia - with its ears, fangs, brain and tongue perfectly preserved in the permafrost.  Scientists believe the animal may have been a wolf queen in her pack, who was beheaded after telling the hungry wolves “let them eat cavemen!” https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com CV Sciences Inks Deal With Kroger to Sell CBD in 17 States:   CV Sciences, the parent company behind the top-selling brand of hemp-derived CBD oil on the market, just inked a huge deal with the largest US supermarket chain Kroger, to sell its CBD oil in 945 Kroger-owned stores spanning 17 states.  All I can say is, I’ve seen a lot of things in my long life, but never in my wildest dreams - did I ever imagine I would live long enough to see cannabis being sold in a supermarket.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Red Robin...

Trump's Order Trimming Science Advisory Panels Sparks Outrage:   Former heads of the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) and Interior Department as well as environmentalists, are blasting a new executive order signed by President Trump late Friday evening, as a stealthy measure designed to remove scientific oversight over what the agency is really doing. Yea, I mean - who the hell needs scientific oversight when you’ve got thoughts and prayers?  Frankly, I can’t imagine anything more comforting for people living in places like Flint, Michigan, then knowing President Trump has asked the Rev Franklin Graham to pray the toxic poisons out of their drinking water.  And, of course, now that the President’s executive order has essentially eliminated all agency oversight, they’ll be no need to run all those silly, expensive tests to determine if the water is actually safe to drink.  After all, Rev Franklin Graham says the Lord told him the water’s safe, what more...

Trump Tells George Stephanopoulos He’s An Honest Guy:  During his now infamous interview with ABC News anchor George Stephanopoulos, President Trump kept returning to the topic of the Mueller Report - claiming that he “likes the truth,” he’s actually "an honest guy” and that he didn't sit for a Mueller interview, because “he’d get us for lies." So, translated from “Trump Speak” into everyday language, it appears the President just said “I think telling the truth might be a great idea, it’s just not my cup of tea.”  Or, put another way, “telling the truth just doesn’t seem to work out all that well for me.”   Now, while some of you may ridicule everything he says as nothing more than a big bunch of mumble-jumble, I believe there’s ample evidence that a statement like that could actually make a lot of sense, especially for those who’ve just consumed a fair amount of psychedelics on an empty stomach. Anyway, putting all that aside, is it just me, or does it se...

Target Registers Crash and Customers Wait Hours to Check Out:   Target cash registers across the country simultaneously malfunctioned due to a systems issue, creating massively long waits in line, with many customers waiting for 2 hours or more.   Frankly, I’m a wee bit concerned about the mental health of those folks who chose to wait in line all that time.  I mean, it isn’t exactly like there won’t be loads of cheap bedsheets, pillowcases and plastic storage bins sitting on their shelves tomorrow or the next day.    On the other hand, let’s get real here - if you can afford to waste hours on end, standing in the checkout line at Target, I think it’s pretty safe to assume you really don’t all that much to do anyway.   https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Trump Now Says He Would Report Foreign Campaign Interference:   Under fire, President Trump has backtracked on his previous position about accepting campaign help from foreign governments without necessarily telling the FBI - and is now claiming that he would certainly report it to law enforcement authorities if he were approached. And, if I know Donald Trump, not only would he report it - but it would also be the undisputed greatest report ever given to authorities in all of American history.  That’s just the way he rolls.  Anyway, if I’m understanding all this correctly, it appears that what Trump said yesterday is now completely gone - only to be totally replaced by what he is saying today.  Now, I don’t wanna sound critical, but can anyone say “George Orwell? https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Sarah Huckabee Sanders Resigns as White House Press Secretary:   President Trump has just announced on Twitter that White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders will be leaving her post at the end of the month to return home to Arkansas. Well, I guess, as we’ve noted for previous Trump press secretaries, she likely longs to return home and spend more time lying to her family and friends.  Now, while I’m certain many dislike Sarah for her dishonesty, I think it’s also important to give her credit for what she’s managed to accomplish.  After all, she’s the only person who’s ever served in the White House, who’s actually managed to tell more lies than Donald Trump. And now, the question remains, who could Donald Trump possibly find to replace someone with a “skillset" like Sarah Huckabee Sanders?  Well, that’s admittedly not going to be an easy task, but everything else considered, I think there’s really only person capable of besting what Sarah Huckabe...

Scientists Say Plants Can Actually Talk:   Botanists say plants can really talk and have the recordings to prove it.  In fact, visitors to the Brooklyn Botanic Garden can actually listen to recordings of the songs corn plants sing.  Yea, well then, anyone who comes over to my place, better make up their minds pretty damn fast - who the hell are you gonna believe, me or some ly’n philodendron?  Frankly, I’m getting sick and tired of houseplants making up wicked lies and spreading them all over the living room.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com   Scientists Explain How They Are Able to Date Fossils:   While ancient fossils don’t come with a day/date stamp on them, geologists say they are buried along with plenty of clues which allow scientists to reconstruct their age and history - a process which explains how scientists are able to “date” the fossils.  Wow, now that’s all news to me.  I assumed they dated the fossils by just ha...

Scientists Closing In On Hidden Scottish Meteorite Crater:   Scientists say they’re close to finding a large impact crater, believed to have formed when a huge meteorite struck just off the coast of Scotland approximately 1.2 billion years ago.  All I can say is, it’s a damn good thing it didn’t hit Scotland in modern times, because a helluva lot of people might have gotten kilt. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com U.S. Demolishes Thailand In 2019 Women’s World Cup Opener:   The US women’s national team has defeated Thailand, with a record 13-0 margin of victory to open the 2019 Women’s World Cup.  Well, I have to admit, I sure got this one wrong.  I expected the match to end in a Thai.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Man Electrocuted After Peeing on Subway Rail:   Authorities say a drunken, thirty-year-old man was electrocuted around 3 AM when he stopped to pee on the third rail at a subway station in Brooklyn.  So, for th...

Vatican Declares People Don’t Get to Choose Their Genders:   The Vatican department charged with overseeing Catholic education just released an extensive document, decrying what it calls a "crisis" on whether gender can be an individual choice rather than being set by God or biology. Gee, thanks Vatican - but honestly, I’m pretty sure the majority of us who live in the 21st century would much prefer to get our marching orders from people who don’t have a centuries-long tradition of promoting hate, ignorance, bigotry, genocide and pedophilia.  Or is it just me? You know, those kind of institutions who didn’t persecute people for simply believing things like the earth revolves around the sun, because they see science as a serious threat to their authority.  Does that Galileo Galilei guy ring a bell at all? Anyway, I suspect the LGBTQ+ community really isn’t all that big on waiting around another two or three centuries until a bunch of you old guys in funny ou...

Mayor Wants Socialists, LGBTQ and Abortion Rights Activists Killed:  Amid calls for his resignation, the Republican mayor of Carbon Hill, Alabama has been forced to apologize to people who "took offense" when he suggested in a Facebook post that gay people, abortion campaigners, socialists and minority groups would need to be killed off in the next “American revolution.” Well, I don’t know much about the next American revolution, but I do know it sure looks like the organizers for Boston’s next “Straight Pride” parade, have just found themselves a new “Grand Marshal.”   Now, if your first reaction to reading this article was “good grief, this place has to be somewhere deep inside Mississippi” -  well, rest assured - you weren’t far off.  My question is, are you sure it’s too late to reconsider allowing the Deep South to secede from the Union? And, for those of you who are still trying to figure out the difference between radical, fanatical, fundament...

White House Downplays Football Field-Sized Asteroid Threat:   Astronomers at the European Space Agency (ESA), say there is a small chance that an asteroid, roughly the width of a football field, will strike the Earth in early September.   Now, what I wanna know is, since when did scientists start measuring a celestial objects in terms of football fields?  So, given that there’s just a small chance of this asteroid hitting Earth, I guess you could say the asteroid is facing a “4th down and 200,000 miles to go” situation.  Good luck with finding a punter willing to kick that puppy.       President Trump immediately took to twitter, urging everyone to lock their doors, just as a precaution.  Meanwhile, a White House spokesperson tried to downplay the threat by pointing out that even if the asteroid did strike Earth, you still wouldn’t be able to play football on it - because the surface of asteroids are way too rocky and uneven for foo...

Trump Appears To Think Our Moon is Part of Mars:  President Trump appeared to be seriously confused, after stating that he felt “NASA should forget about the moon and focus on the much bigger things we are doing - including Mars - of which the Moon is a part.”  Hell, no wonder Trump supporters think the moon landing was faked.  Trump’s been telling them it’s part of Mars.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Barnes & Noble Is Sold to Hedge Fund:   Barnes & Noble has been acquired by the hedge fund Elliott Advisors for $638 million, a move that has momentarily calmed fears among publishers and agents that the largest bookstore chain in the United States might collapse after one of the most tumultuous periods in its history.  Well, nice to know they’re gonna stay open.  After all, the poor homeless have it tough enough, without losing their main bathroom. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Fox News Doctor Implies Crack Babies C...

Trump Family Promotes Themselves and Their Businesses in Europe:   Critics are crying foul over the fact that all of President Trump’s adult children accompanied him at “taxpayer expense,” on his recent European tour - all the while, promoting both themselves and their business interests. Of course, its important to note here, that the term "taxpayer" does not actually include any of Trump’s family of tax-evasion specialists.  But no big deal.  After all, let’s not forget, the rich are the job creators.  And, in all fairness, the Trumps have actually created jobs, it’s just that they seem to have a slight tendency not to pay the people whom they’ve hired to do those jobs.  Yet, let’s not forget it wasn’t all fun and games for this fun-loving Trump party.  After all, the President’s entourage did interrupt their dining, partying and golfing activities - for a trip to France for the 75th anniversary celebration of the Normandy invasion.   ...

Report Warns Human Civilization Likely to End by 2050:   A chilling Australian policy paper outlining a “Doomsday Scenario" for humanity, suggests that if action isn’t taken soon, we will witness irreversible damage to global climate systems and by the year 2050 - a world of chaos and political panic will be the norm, sending humanity down a path toward the end of civilization as we know it. Of course, Republican leaders will counter that this will only affect people living in 2050, not wealthy, older white men alive today - so who cares?  Besides, it appears John Bolton already has a plan to rid mother Earth of much of its "excess humanity" by provoking WW III, long before climate change ever becomes a serious issue. That said, I’ve also noticed that the more cunning of Republicans have finally evolved their public posture from one of completely denying climate change exists - to one of admitting climate change may be happening, but denying the...