You've Got to Be Kidding?

Trump Hires Two New Attorneys After His Entire Legal Team Quits:  After former President Donald Trump and his entire legal team abruptly parted ways a little over a week before his February 9th trial, due to his insistence on arguing the 2020 election was stolen from him, Donald Trump announced that attorneys David Schoen and Bruce Castor will now head up his legal team for his second impeachment trial. Wow, first he tells aides not to pay Rudy’s legal fees, and now his entire impeachment legal team quits on him?  Hell, if he keeps this nonsense up, about the only legal representation he’ll be able to find - will be LegalZoom.   Of course, Trump being Trump, he naturally thinks he’s “twice as smart as anyone else,” so if he is forced to testify, expect him to try to “take the tenth” - not the “fifth.”  After all, “taking a fifth,” sounds more like something alcoholics would do, not big-shot billionaires. One thing’s for sure, you can bet Trump’s impeachment tri...

Anti-Vax COVID-19 Truthers Shut Down Dodger Stadium Vaccination Site:   Dodger Stadium’s mass COVID-19 vaccination site - one of the largest in the country, with 12,000 vaccinations daily - had to be temporarily shut down Saturday afternoon, after an angry mob of anti-vaxxers, conspiracy theorists, and far-right activists gathered at the entrance, stalling thousands of motorists who had been waiting in line for hours to get their coronavirus vaccinations. Now, in their defense, these folks must have felt they had a really important message they needed to convey, otherwise, they would never have left their cozy trailer parks on such a rainy day, and headed all the way over to Dodger Stadium - with no possibility whatsoever of purchasing one of those delicious “Dodger Dogs” they sell at LA Dodger games.   Shortly thereafter, just to let these super-patriots know that they’re not alone, the anti-vaxxer zealots were greeted with the warmest communication from a dear old friend,...

Lawsuit Claims Subway Tuna Sandwich Has No Tuna:   NBC News is reporting that a lawsuit that’s been filed in U.S. District Court in Northern California, claims that the ingredient billed as “tuna” for the Subway chain’s sandwiches and wraps, contains no tuna at all.   That conclusion, based upon independent lab tests, which found that the “tuna” is actually “a mixture of various concoctions that do not constitute tuna,” that are all blended together by Subway - in an attempt to “imitate” the appearance of tuna. So, if I’m understanding this lawsuit correctly, they’re alleging that what Subway is selling is what can only be described as the “Melania Trump of tuna sandwiches?”  Now, I’m certainly no chemist, but judging from taste alone, my guess is that Subway “tuna” is actually a hearty combination of approximately 35% mayo, 32% salt, and 33% IAMS Hairball & Indoor Weight Control Cat Food. Now, for those of you thinking this is just another frivolous lawsuit, remem...

Trump Made No Plans for Administering COVID Vaccine As Americans Died:  As many millions of Americans wonder why they are unable to get COVID vaccinations, they really need to look no further than former President Donald Trump and his administration.   It’s being reported that even as the coronavirus tore its way throughout the land, well on its way to killing nearly a half-million Americans, Donald Trump never even bothered to develop a workable vaccine distribution plan for the nation. Well, to be completely fair, Trump was rather preoccupied with other really pressing matters - such as his own re-election.  After all, there are only so many hours in the day, and when most of those are taken up with watching One America News (OAN), Newsmax, and Fox News - who the hell has time for planning vaccine distributions?  Hell, no one likes getting shots anyway!  What’s the big deal?  Besides, those blue states that voted against him needed to be taught a lesso...

Oklahoma Trying To Return Its $2M Stockpile Of Hydroxychloroquine:   The Oklahoma Attorney General’s Office has been unsuccessfully attempting to return their $2 million stockpile of malaria drug hydroxychloroquine to their supplier, a drug once touted by former President Trump and Fox News as a treatment for the coronavirus.   At the time of the purchase, Gov. Kevin Stitt claimed the drug was an effective treatment for Covid-19, but critics say his decision to purchase was really based upon trying to curry favor with Donald Trum Wow, as Seinfeld’s Soup Nazi would have likely put it - “No refunds for you!”   That said, all is not lost.   Look, hydroxychloroquine is a malaria drug, after all, so all Oklahoma needs to do - is simply import millions of malaria-infected mosquitos into Oklahoma, then release them into the general population, and now you’ve got the very drug needed to treat it - right on hand.   Pure genius!   And then, when the malaria thre...

Tucker Carlson and Hawaii GOP Defend QAnon Supporters:   This past week, both the Hawaii Republican Party and Fox News host Tucker Carlson, took to the airwaves and social media to defend QAnon supporters.   QAnon people are folks who believe that a secret cabal of Satan-worshiping, cannibalistic pedophiles are running a global child sex-trafficking ring lead by Hillary Clinton, George Soros, and various Hollywood celebrities, plotting against former President Donald Trump, who has been fighting the cabal.   On his highly-rated Fox News TV show, Carlson portrayed QAnon folks as “patriots who are largely motivated by a sincere and deep love for America, who are victims of left-wing media persecution and denied basic civil liberties.” I completely understand Trucker’s point about the dangers of QAnon persecution.  Why, without QAnon - how would we have ever known about the hazards of those microscopic 5G antennas Bill Gates snuck into the coronavirus vaccine - or the ...

Sarah Huckabee Sanders to Run for Governor of Arkansas:   The New York Times reports that former Trump White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, plans to announce she will be running for governor of Arkansas - making her the first person from Trump’s orbit to announce their candidacy.   A bid that will put the former president’s political strength to the test, in a divided Republican Party. Now admittedly, my first reaction to her announcement was pure, abject horror - but then I thought “wait a minute!”  When a person who’s nationally known for telling nothing but lies, tells you she's running for governor, doesn’t that actually mean - she’s not really running for governor?  Why, this whole idea is completely crazy.  I mean, isn’t The 700 Club hiring? Of course, the truth be known, if she does decide to run, she’ll have no problem getting all the votes she wants, given that most everyone living in Arkansas are basically cousins anyway, and relat...

MyPillow Guy to Sue British Tabloid Over Jane Krakowski Rumors:   The Daily Beast reports that conspiracy theorist, staunch Trump ally and MyPillow CEO Mike Lindell, has retained celebrity attorney Charles Harder to go after British tabloid the “Daily Mail,” over a story that implied he had a secret affair with 30 Rock and Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt actress Jane Krakowski.  Lindell claims the story “harmed his reputation as a Christian,” even as numerous companies vowed to stop carrying his pillows following his role in pushing the phony election fraud conspiracy theories that incited the January 6th insurrection by Trump supporters.  Wait a minute!  You mean to tell me the guy’s complaining about being linked romantically to Jane Krakowski?  Is he insane?  I mean, about the only thing I can think of that could be better than rumors that I dated Jane Krakowski - would be if I’d actually dated Jane Krakowski. Well, maybe it was all just a big mistake. ...

Trump Departs White House to Find His Company in Shambles:   Donald Trump returns to his company this week, to find it facing an ever-deepening crisis, with key properties bleeding revenue and its bankers, lawyers, and customers, all fleeing the company en masse, due to the Trump name becoming so toxic.   Records indicate that Trump is facing more than $450 million in outstanding loans, including $290 million on his Doral golf course and his D.C. hotel alone. Why, it sounds like Mr. Trump needs to undertake a major rebranding effort, if he ever wants to make a financial comeback.  And, since just about every sane person here on Earth is abandoning him, perhaps it’s time he starts focusing on business ventures that match his “supporter’s demographics.”  Now personally, I’d suggest he forget about all those fancy resorts, and start a new chain of trailer parks.  Why, he could even name them “Trump’s Last Resorts.”   Next, it’s time to ditch all ...

Trump Discussing Forming New Right-Wing Political Party:  The Wall Street Journal is reporting that outgoing President Donald Trump has been in serious discussions of late with aides and others close to him, about the possibility of taking all his supporters and forming a new right-wing “Patriot Party,” to compete with the GOP. So, they’re gonna call their new party the “Patriot Party?”  Well, one thing’s for sure, no one knows how to place the “riot” in the word “Patriot,” quite like Donald Trump does.  And, for those who are too lazy to pronounce the entire “Patriot Party” name, they could just call it the “PeePee” party for short.  Anyway, is it just me, or does it seem as if Trump’s been doing just about everything he possibly can to tear what’s left of the Republican Party completely to shreds?  Which, as far as I’m concerned, is about the only good thing he’s done since he was elected. Now, getting back to the parties - the Democrats have the donkey, the ...

Republicans Call for Unity While Refusing to Acknowledge Biden Won:   Now that they’re on the hot seat after encouraging the January 6th insurrection by their continual refusal to acknowledge that Joe Biden won the election fair and square, Republican leaders are now pleading with Democrats for unity. Gee, calls for unity, from the very same crowd who spent the last four years yelling slogans like “f**k your feelings!”  I mean, who could possibly question the sincerity of Trump supporters screaming at the top of their lungs for us to “stop being divisive, you bunch of communist, atheist, pedophile, socialist, satanist, fascist, sadist, libtards!” Why, if one didn’t know better, one might think that given their complicity in the January 6th insurrection,  Republicans aren’t really calling for unity - and what actually they’re calling for - is amnesia.  To put it another way, Republicans don’t want “unity,” they want “impunity.”  Oh my!  Did I just make ...

NRA Will File for Bankruptcy and Flee to Texas to Avoid NY Litigation:   The National Rifle Association announced Friday that it plans to file for bankruptcy and move to Texas to reorganize, fleeing ongoing litigation brought against it by the New York State attorney general Letitia James, who has sought to dissolve the organization for violating its nonprofit status. Wow, you mean the once all-powerful NRA is actually going bankrupt?  Say it ain’t so!  Guess the money kind of dried up, ever since Maria Butina, that fun-loving, gun-loving, red-headed, vixen of a Russian spy, with her fists full of cash ready to be laundered - had to get the hell out of Dodge rather lickety-split.   Now, if those NRA folks are seriously that desperate for money, then I’d suggest they try going through the pockets of some of Wayne LaPierre’s beautifully tailored $5000 suits, to see if they could find any spare change there.  But, not to worry.  Hell, maybe after he leaves ...

Trump Family Now Involved in a Toiletgate Scandal:   According to neighbors and law enforcement officials, the Secret Service detail assigned to protect President Trump’s daughter and son-in-law, spent months searching for a reliable restroom to use while on the job, after the Kushner family prohibited any of them from using any of the “6.5 bathrooms” inside their home.   After resorting to a porta-potty, as well as bathrooms at the nearby homes of former President Barack Obama and Vice President Pence, the agents finally found a toilet which they rented for $3,000 a month (more than $100,000 to date), in a basement studio of a Kushner family neighbor. Gee, is it just me, or are the Trumps about the only family that could end up involved in a scandal - over frigg’in toilets.  Hey, now wait a minute!  Remember a while back, when Trump was rambling on and on about toilet flushing - and everyone was wondering “what the hell is he talking about?”  Well, I guess at ...

Trump Orders Staffers Not to Pay Giuliani’s Legal Fees:   White House insiders report that President Trump is becoming more and more isolated in his final days as President, with numerous staff resigning and the President even attacking his most steadfast defenders, including his personal lawyer Rudy Giuliani - instructing aides not to pay any of Rudy’s $20,000 a day legal fees, unless he first approves them. You mean to tell me that Rudy Giuliani actually expected that he was gonna get paid?  Hahahahaha!  Gee, who could’ve seen that coming?  Not to worry though, Trump reportedly reassured Rudy that “Mexico is gonna pay his legal fees.”  Or, perhaps he’ll just issue Rudy a pardon, in lieu of actually paying him. I mean, first Trump stiffs contractors, then trashes his staff and his Cabinet, and now he’s stiffing his own lawyer?  Now, I’m no expert on these matters, but I suspect it’s not really a great idea to make enemies out of people who know all your...

Colombia Ecosystem Being Overrun by Pablo Escobar’s Hippos:   In the 1980s, drug kingpin Pablo Escobar smuggled four hippos onto his private country estate.   Now, years later, dozens of them roam the wetlands north of Bogota, making them the largest invasive species on the planet and causing environmentalists to fear a potential ecological disaster is in the making. Now, wildlife biologists say they’ve considered castration, but as the great Yogi Berra might have put it, “it ain’t all that easy castrating a hippopotamus.”  First of all, it turns out it’s really hard, just trying to find a hippo’s “private parts.”  Of course, in all fairness, I’m sure Melania complains about that very same thing.  And, to add to all of that, local environmentalists say they’re at a complete loss to figure out exactly what to do with this ever expanding hippo population, pointing out that they really have no ecologically viable place to put them in Columbia.   No kidd...

White House Scrambles to Find New Social Network After Twitter Ban:   Twitter and Facebook’s decision to ban President Trump just days before the end of his term, has sparked a fierce political backlash among his most fervent allies, sending some of his supporters and White House staffers - scrambling to find another potent tool the President can still use, to communicate online. In fact, word has it, some White House staffers have leaked that the President has been frantically combing through his Rolodex, desperately trying to locate his old MySpace password.  Now, while I’m certainly no expert password decoder, my guess is that it’s “yourefired!”   Analysts say that sadly, if that doesn’t work, then Tinder might be his last and final resort.  Either that, or give him some colorful pieces of chalk, and let him scribble angry messages at detractors on the sidewalk, in front of the Washington Times office building. Meanwhile, some of his old pals like Lind...

Speaker Pelosi Consults Top General About Trump and the Nuclear Codes:   House Speaker Nancy Pelosi informed her colleagues Friday, that she had spoken to the Joint Chiefs’ chairman Gen. Mark A. Milley, about keeping an “unstable president” from accessing the nuclear codes, as Democrats debate the possibility of impeaching the US Commander in Chief Donald J. Trump, for a second time in just over a year. House leaders maintain that the President has become completely “unhinged,” and needs to be removed from office immediately, before he has the opportunity to endanger the country again and possibly destabilize world peace.  Now, I’m certainly no expert on “hinges, but honestly - I can’t think of a time, when this guy’s ever been  “hinged.” Frankly, at this point in time, and given everything that’s come down in the past few days, we’d better hope that about the only thing they put inside President Trump's "football" - is a double cheeseburger.  I mean, who could’ve...

Penalty for Provoking a Violent Insurrection - a 12 Hour Twitter Ban:  Twitter and Facebook have announced they will lock President Trump out of his accounts for 12 and 24 hours respectively, with Twitter warning the President that he could face permanent suspension, should he continue tweeting baseless election conspiracy theories and inciting violence. So, a US President, provokes a violent insurrection against his own country - and gets banned from using Twitter for a half a day?  Smart move on the part of social media if you ask me, because I’m absolutely positive that after a 12-hour Twitter suspension, President Trump will finally see the error of his ways - and apologize to the nation for his misbehavior.   Why, that reminds me of way back when Susan Collins said she voted against President Trump’s removal from office, because she was also sure that after being impeached, “the President had learned his lesson.”  Well, in honor of that insightful statemen...

Pastor Claims Democrats Running in Georgia Are Demonically Possessed:   Just weeks after claiming Christians voters in Georgia may as well “spit in Jesus’ face” if they supported the two Democrats in the Senate runoff election, right-wing pastor, radio host, and former Republican candidate for Lt. Governor of Virginia E.W. Jackson, now claims that Democratic candidates Jon Ossoff and Rev. Raphael Warnock are “demonically possessed,” because of their position on issues such as women’s rights, LGBTQ rights, and COVID-19 restrictions. Now, while some of you may laugh, I happen to know exactly what the good pastor is referring to in his warning.  For you see, I too was once “demonically possessed.”  That is, until I fell behind on my payments, and suddenly found myself “demonically repossessed.”   Oh my gosh, you simply won’t believe what a horrible mess it all was.  Why, I was back and forth and back and forth with the banks all day and night, until I finally gav...

Trump Demands Georgia Sec of State Find 11,800 Votes for Him:   Rather than denounce President Trump's demand that the Georgia Secretary of State Brad Raffensperger find 11,800 votes for him, many Republicans are instead only outraged that the call was recorded, including Georgia Republican Party chair David Shafer and former Rep. Kelli Ward (R-AZ), who is currently the Arizona chair of the Republican Party.   Ward lashed out at Raffensperger on Twitter, claiming "I don’t record my calls with the President of the United States.   It’s humbling to have the opportunity to speak with the leader of the free world.   Betraying the trust of the honor of those conversations is abominable.” Really?  She’s seriously “honored" to get a call from Donald Trump?  Why, I think I’d rather talk “ Watchtower” with the Jehovah's Witnesses, who never fail to knock on my door early every Saturday morning, then have a conversation with Donald Trump.  But, that’s just m...

World's Richest Added $1.8T to Their Combined Wealth in 2020:   According to the Bloomberg Billionaires Index, the world’s 500 richest people added approximately $1.8 trillion to their combined wealth in 2020.   This 31 percent increase, which occurred amid the economic crisis spurred by the coronavirus pandemic, is the largest annual gain in the index’s history. So, what’s the big deal?  I mean, I got nothing to complain about.  Hell, my net worth has just increased by 600 bucks.  Life’s good!  Why, here in LA, that $600 almost covers 1/3 of someone’s average monthly rent.  That’s not a bad chunk of change, once you forget about eating and utilities.  Besides, if you don’t feel satisfied with that $600 kiss me, then you can always get your big ass up off the couch, put on your face mask, and do what a lot of other people are doing these days - rob a convenience store.   Man, it really gets to me when I hear folks complain that wealthy...

Militias and Evangelicals Planning Jericho March to Keep Trump in Power:   January 6th is the day Congress formally counts the electoral college votes, but evangelicals, militia groups, and various other Trump loyalists, are busy organizing a last-ditch attempt to stop Joe Biden from assuming the presidency, by converging on Washington DC in an armed march, to blow horns, fast, and pray for a miracle - that God will overturn the 2020 presidential election results. Now, I get that these folks want a dictatorship and a theocracy to rule this country, but what I don’t get is - why in the hell would they decide they want that dictator - to be Donald Trump?   I mean, the guy’s a pampered, incompetent, man/child narcissist, who prefers spending his time watching cable TV and playing golf rather than working, not to mention he’s also a notorious liar and a sleazy grifter, who’s actually billions of dollars in debt to foreign interests.  Now, wait a minute!  Why, I thin...